The Ol Ball And Chain

Will:I just came back from the free clinic, and guess what I got? The phone number of those two nurses we met.

Jazz:Yo, the twins that sleep in the same bed?

Will:Actually, cover my next three shifts. You know how demanding twins can be.

Jazz · Will:Oh, wait. I just remembered, I can't go. Well, why not? I'm getting married.

Jazz:I saw her on Cops, getting busted for grand theft auto.

Will · Jazz:Jazz, the woman's a convict? We prefer the term 'freedom impaired.'

Will:How about the term 'not playing with a full cell block'?

Jazz:But the truth is, behind these shades, there's a big, empty hole.

Will:Well, that's for damn sure.

Jazz · Will:My other friends pretend to like me for my money. That's because you owe it to them.

Jazz:Why not. It's free.

Jazz:We follow an execution.

TV Audio:Officer down. Officer down. We need backup. Get her off of me. She's biting my...

Hilary · Vivian:What's wrong with her face? Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.

Vivian:Up till today, Jazz was available. Now that he's getting married... well, forbidden fruit always looks more tempting, doesn't it?

Hilary:Mother, for God's sake, he's half your age.

Ashley · Carlton:I give it three weeks. The marriage or her parole?

Phil:But, you know... But it wasn't like I was gonna need them. After all, I wasn't gonna have any fun anymore.

Will:Man, Uncle Phil, I knew you had a man-size appetite, but both feet?

Will:I mean, even though I am just... a poor black man trying to get my education.

Phil:If Jazz would just find some bimbo to get his mind off of Hilary... I'd be more than happy to pay for the wedding.

Phil:I could call it a rehabilitation party and write it off.

Will · Phil:Check it out, you're a judge. You can perform the ceremony. Pay yourself 25 bucks. Fifty. Pay yourself 100. It's your money.

Will:Marry me, Carlton.

Carlton:Very funny, Will. But while you're playing with dolls, I'll be securing the premises. I mean, we are gonna have a convict in the house.

Phil:Oh, is she pregnant too?

Unknown · Jazz:Somebody wants to know where the bride is registered. Gillespie Liquors.

Carlton:I also put my diamond cuff links in a balloon and swallowed them.

Will:That's more than I ever wanted to know about you, Carlton.

Will:Hilary, will you get out of my way? You're blocking my view.

Phil:There's a lot to be said for a woman who's been in prison a long time.

Will:Hey. Yo. Hello in there.

Jewel:Oh, yeah? As far as I can see, this here's the best man. I love this bony butt.

Jewel:I also noticed you have a very small head.

Jewel · Hilary:Thanks, and I guess it's true what they say: Can't buy good taste. Hey.

Jewel:See, the prison therapist says that I should say what's on my mind... and not keep too much bottled up, otherwise I'd... you know, go out and do something stupid like hotwiring a Lexus.

Jewel:Although it did get me on prime time.

Jewel:I just wanna say, if you ever hurt him... I'll hunt you down like the dog that you are, and kill you.

Jewel:Well, gotta go shop for your present.

Will:Beautiful and nuts. You must be very proud.

Will:You know, a cup of coffee, a blood test.

Will · Jewel:It's already zipped up. I know. I want you to zip it down.

Jewel:You know... if somebody was to walk in here right now... they might think you was hitting on me.

Will:Trust me, if I was hitting on you, you'd know it.

Will:No, no, no. Uncle Phil, this was like one of them Fatal Attraction elevator-scene kisses.

Will:She was like a little naked Velcro midget.

Phil:Next thing I know, she leans across... and fastens my seat belt. You know what I'm saying?

Will:Please don't do that, Uncle Phil.

Phil:Oh, yeah. With a bar stool, on the head.

Will:I gotta find somebody else to talk to about this.

Jazz:She touched me, Will. And I know she'll touch you too.

Jazz:We're gonna have 10 kids. One for every month of the year.

Jazz · Will:But we gonna name them all after you. Jazz, hey, you ain't got to do that, man. Okay, then, we'll name them Earl.

Jazz:We gonna keep our kids out of reform school.

Will:Oh, I just wanted to thank you... for picking out these lovely yellow-and-green ensembles.

Carlton:And now, if I can just have your thumb.

Prison Guest · Carlton:You know, I resent being treated like a common thief. Oh, you do, do you? Well, what kind of cold-hearted, vicious, evil crime did you commit? Securities fraud.

Guest · Carlton:You know, I resent being treated like a common thief. Oh, you do, do you? Well, what kind of cold-hearted, vicious, evil crime did you commit? Securities fraud.

Phil:Really? An inside trader? So are you here alone?

Will:Are you kidding? Jazz ain't got no friends. I hired these people.

Hilary:Oh, my God. What am I saying?

Jazz:I ain't never owned anything that still had the serial number on it.

Jewel:No, really, I can't, I'm on parole, I'm not allowed to leave the state.

Will:Damn these good looks of mine.

Hilary:And on top of that, you ain't even that good-looking.

Will:Well, damn.

Jewel:You know, whenever we go to a nice restaurant, he carries my tray.

Jewel:And when it's time to skip out on the check... he always holds open the bathroom window for me.

Jewel · Will:Do you know where my mama was married? No, where? I don't know. I was hoping you did.

Jazz:You're one jewel I never wanna hock.

Jazz:Sometimes I wanna bite you to see if you're really real.

Jazz:If love was craps, you'd be a seven. If it was on the first roll. But if it was on the second roll, and the point was six, you'd be a six. No, actually, you'd be a nine. I'd play the field on the second roll, make a couple of extra bucks. Then you'd be a six on the third roll, and then I'd clean up.

Jazz:You know what I'm trying to say. I love you, and you make me feel lucky.

Jewel:Thank you for setting this little jailbird free... body, mind and spirit.