As The Will Turns

Uncle Phil:If you xeroxed your butt again, I'm not interested.

Uncle Phil:I hope it comes with a canopy because at that price, it's the only roof we'll have over our heads.

Aunt Viv:No, Philip, how are we?

Will:I'm telling you, she's possessed. It's like some evil force has taken over her mind. Something not of this Earth.

Will:Ah! [Will's shocked reaction to Hilary arriving]

Studio Worker:Cleopatra Jones.

Studio Worker:Oh, dag, that's your cousin? She's fine. Hey, tell Cleopatra Reggie said, 'What's up?'

Will:All right, but while you're down, can I get some dough out your wallet?

Will:I'm pretty sure he's talking to you.

Ina:What a fabulous butt.

Will:You know, it gets me around.

Will:Hey, you can't treat an actor like that. What do you think he is, a writer?

Will:I mean, come on, man, the dude's a brother and he ain't supposed to be like, 'I'm looking for a Julius Caesar salad.' I mean, come on, man, you know, he got to be down here, you know. Hey, look, baby, you need the cops, we don't need to go down the station. All I got to do is walk out your front door carrying your TV, you know, okay, man.

Will · Carlton:You're moving out? Even better. I'm moving out?

Will · Viv · Phil:Professor T. Johnson is a Troy? What did you think the T stood for? I was hoping Thelma.

Carlton · Will:Oh, please. They hired you, somebody who's never acted in his life, to star in a network TV show. Pppt. Well, it happens.

Will:Man, I ain't seen so many zeros since Carlton's square dance recital.

Will:What? You mean beside that little chocolate Tic Tac you call your head?

Will:Do I play a convincing coma victim or what?

Carlton:Well, you're no Sunny Von Bulow.

Will:I just hope that Sears lets them stay for the whole show.

Will:[Will grunting] ...she have a hard time walking without falling over.

Hilary:Not that they were in the same room or anything.

Geoffrey:That reminds me, Mrs. Banks called to say she'll be working late again...with Professor Johnson at her office writing her book.

Will:I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav, gold teeth and all.

Will:So if I have to crawl into bed with 10 beautiful woman, that's just a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make.

Crew Member:C, it's a prop.

Will:[Makes squeaky noise instead of speaking]

Uncle Phil:And yet, inexplicably, we've had no leftovers.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:If you were a woman, would you find me attractive? Nope.

Geoffrey:Why, he's 15 years her junior. Whatever would they do together?

Carlton:What do you think of Larry? La-la-la Larry.

Lisa:Well, you seem like you're doing a pretty good job to me right now.

Will:Oh... But this ain't one of them times.

Geoffrey:So does watching it.

Ina:Doesn't he know those stairs go nowhere?

Will:Actually, uh... We... We broke up.

Will:No, no, like I told you, we broke up. You wanna dance?

Jerry · Ina:Now can we panic? / Cue dough boy. / I don't care if he's not ready, get him in there now, now, now!

Derek:I don't know.

Will:That's right, I shot Carlos. And that's not all. I'm the one who shot J.R. too. And I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.

Will:But you see, I'm young and I'm restless. I only got one life to live, so I got to follow my guiding light and search for tomorrow.

Will:Hey, who knows if I'll wind up living out the days of my life in a mansion in Dallas on the corner of Melrose Place drinking Falcon Crest out of a brown paper bag.

Will:The bald and the beautiful.

Carlton · Ashley:Got that right. / Isn't this great? / I told Daddy the soaps aren't predictable.

Jerry punching Will:[THUMP]

Geoffrey:Oh, just go for it, sir. I'll swear it came that way.

Geoffrey:Oh, I can't believe it either. He called her 'dear.'

Aunt Viv:That noodle-neck kid stomps on my last nerve.

Will:Get a room.

Geoffrey:I haven't seen such a disaster on the telly since they cancelled Manimal.

Will:Please tell me you meant Chuck Berry.

Will:Ah! I knew there was something I forgot. [Will screaming and running]