Reality Bites

Carlton · Will:Will, you're just Nicky's cousin, I'm his brother. I'm a big branch of his family tree. Then why are your limbs so short?

Will:Don't forget your flag, though. What's a day at the Nixon Library without Old Glory?

Will · Carlton:Everybody going to the beach say, 'Kowabunga!' Kowabunga! Hey!

Will · Hilary:Man, now who does a thing like that? I know, can you believe her?

Hilary:I'll get her. And her little car too.

Hilary · Will:Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it... he's still a common street hood from the wrong side of the tracks. So will you help me?

Will:Oh, gee, you know, when you put it that way, no.

Will:Dude came out, started that joint, it was like 'kaboom!' Boom!

Geoffrey:What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky. Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors.

Hilary:Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be?

Carlton:Yeah, me and Will are going trolling for slimmies.

Will:Look, Ashley, it's Daddy's mad face.

Ashley:Come on, Nicky, let's go upstairs before Daddy's head explodes.

Will:Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton.

Carlton · Will:Will locked me in the closet. That's so tired.

Ashley · Will:Oh, don't worry, Mom, it only happened once. You meant Nicky, didn't you?

Will:Oh. Dougie? That big, dumb, orange whale that be singing them stupid songs?

Carlton:Those are life-affirming little ditties... that bring joy to the young and young at heart.

Will:Now, can we think about this for a second, please? Now, Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one that finds something terribly wrong with that?

Will:I love bugs and I love death, I love oozing flesh wounds

Nicky · Phil:Mommy! Mommy! Will! Will! What the hell is wrong with you?

Will:Well, he is a whale. Maybe we should go look for him at the beach.

Dougie:Hey, someone check the damn level.

Dougie:That's it. You SOBs better pull your thumbs out... and get your freaking acts together.

Will:I think something must have crawled up his blowhole.

Carlton:Last time a Dougie concert was canceled, kids went crazy and trashed a babyGap.

Will:I'm gonna go back and have a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie.

Dougie:Aren't you a little old for this crap?

Dougie:Then the little brat got his money's worth. Now beat it.

Will:Um, look here, you big orange Moby Dick.

Dougie:I know this isn't as glamorous as your job down at the mini-mart...

Will:You pushed me, called me 'punk.' That's funny.

Will:Oh, it's on now.

Carlton · Child:Okay, time for another song. What are you doing to Dougie?

Will · Dougie · Nicky:Oh. We was just playing, y'all. Hey, sorry. I need a drink. You hurt Dougie. I hate you, Will.

Children · Carlton:Get him! No.

Carlton:Nicky and I are gonna be spending more time together, especially since he's... M-A-D at W-I-L-L.

Nicky:Mommy, I H-A-T-E them.

Will:Heh. Really? It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv.

Will · Vivian:Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear and flush it down the toilet? That's how I got over it.

Hilary:Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing. I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car... and it didn't make a scratch.

Hilary:At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Geoffrey:Hilary, you were suppo... Never mind.

Carlton:Oh, right, the guy inside Dougie.

Will:That damn whale got him brainwashed.

Will · Ashley:Yeah, Shaft. And how did you feel when you found out that Shaft wasn't real? What are you talking about?

Will · Ashley:No, I'm saying, he was based on an actual guy. No, he wasn't. He was too, Ashley. Shaft is fictional, Will. I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Will · Ashley:No, I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything. / Shaft is fictional, Will. / I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Will:In rehab.

Geoffrey:Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name... I was rather enjoying it.

Hilary:Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR, would I need this camera? No, I would not.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Ooh, that witch. So you see it too. All I see is a beautiful woman... perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs I've ever seen.

Hilary:Oh, like those are real.

Carlton:Whoa, whoa, whoa, the pogmeister's in the house. Who wants some?

Carlton:Gets that from his mother.

Will:Any other normal kid, you could just buy their love back.

Phil:Well, now, Will, as much as the idea of your reproducing scares the hell out of me...

Will · Phil:How come you don't ever do that? Don't question me.

Will · Nicky:Wow. I didn't know you could read the paper. I can't.

Will:Here, read the personals, Nicky. Yo, hottie. Yo.

Will · Santa:Freeze, munchkins! They're not munchkins, son, they're elves.

Will · Santa:Who are you, Keebler? Oh, boy, you're not even close.

Will · Santa:Oh, I'm sorry. Santa Claus. Right on, yeah. Everybody knows Santa Claus is a Clippers fan. I am not. I just can't move these things.

Santa:Maybe this year I'll put a brain in your stocking.

Will:Why do these make-believe guys keep pushing me?

Santa:Oh, here, here. You be a good boy. And tell Carlton to stop faxing me. I cannot get him into Princeton.

Nicky · Will:You know Santa? Know him? Who do you think gave him the idea for that mistletoe thing?

Will · Nicky:See, we was chilling back in Philly one night. It was me, Santa, the tooth fairy and Shaft, right? Who's Shaft?

Will:See, Shaft was a complicated man.

Will:See, Shaft was a complicated man.