Wills Misery

Will:Yo! A swap meet.

Phil:This is Mr. Culture.

Will:What a brother got to do to get some fries?

Will:See, and here, I can sense the juxtaposition of metaphors...

Will:...interspersed with the three-second violation.

Phil:You're a jackass.

Geoffrey:I call this one Workmen's Compensation.

Will:Autumn, my favorite time of the year. The leaves are falling and the hotties are pledging.

Will:Baby, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Will:Get it? That's a double entendre.

Will:Oh, Grey Poupon to you too, girl.

Will:And I treat a woman like a king treats a queen.

Sorority Girls:Y'all remembered those, huh? Ladies, say goodbye to Will in his native tongue. [ALL BARKING]

Will:[Will barks back]

Carlton · Will:Your problem is that you can't understand or respect women... because you're not in touch with your feminine side. / You know what your problem is, C? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Ashley · Phil:Well, what do you think? / It's... It's a... Blue.

Geoffrey:Tell me, sir, do I wash that or take a weed whacker to it?

Will:Carlton, quick, get a bat, let's bust this piñata.

Phil:I'd slip on the old dashiki... puff up the old fro... find a foxy mama, say, 'Hey, baby, let's get it on.'

Will · Phil:And they bought that? / Actually, your mother was the only one.

Will:[WILL SCREAMING] Get out! What you doing, Barney?

Will · Lisa:Yo, man, where Helen at? / She's probably at the chiropractor.

Will · Lisa:Well, if you like this one, wait till you see the sequel. / You are a dog. [WILL BARKS]

Will:Little company? I'm more like the Fortune 500, you know? AT&T. Reach out and touch a brother if you got your bill paid.

Phil:I was so lucky I found this hat. It was the last extra extra extra large.

Vivian:And I'd guess there's some laughing and pointing going on too.

Phil:Look at this. You could at least yell four!

Geoffrey · Phil:Sir, perhaps you could get them to erect... a fence. / Geoffrey.

Will:Oh, well, you see, um... I'm not really that good at thinking on my feet.

Will:Just call me public enemy number one. / Beat the hell out of playing Stratego with Carlton.

Will:Oh, I mean, I know my rights. I think I'm entitled to one frisk.

Will:Baby, you're kind of killing the mood.

Carlton · Phil:Oh, stop bragging, you sick pervert. / Who's a pervert?

Carlton:They're going to terrorize and torture him. / Oh, don't worry, it's all in good fun.

Will:So you mean to tell me for 5 extra dollars, I could get HBO? Okay, basic cable is cool.

Lisa · Will:Do I look like a fool to you? / No, not a fool.

Vivian · Phil:I can't believe you two. Mustard is not the answer. / No, she's right. Get the soy sauce.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar · Phil · Kareem:Hey, nice sweaters. / Oh, Marachi. Our daughter bought them for us. / She's got great taste.

Ashley:These are my role models.

Will:How you doing there, Little Miss Mood Swing?

Will:You need to be worried about getting out. Them rubber rooms ain't got no windows.

Will:In what, bladder control?

Will · Lisa:Ugh! I cannot believe you sorority girls could be so devious. / It was actually your cousin Carlton's idea.

Will:Oh, yeah? You know what, I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home.

Lisa · Will:You don't care. / You're damn right I don't care. You damn near fricasseed me.

Will:I deserve that.

Will:I'm a dog. I'm the fresh prince of the pound. The doggiest of all dogs.

Will:Hey, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, hold up. What, y'all just gonna leave me hanging up here like a piece of Rotisserie Gold, huh?

Will · Carlton:We got up there, the girl went crazy. She tied me to this chair, was trying to torture me. / No. / But I got loose, man. Then she really went off. So I grabbed this rock, man...

Will:Gotcha.