Father Knows Best

Geoffrey:And a plain brown package for me. I'll be taking my break now.

Will:And something's a foot and a half.

Carlton:She's amassing a private fortune so she can buy out the family business... in a hostile takeover.

Will:A sweater and a string of pearls and you'd be Angela Lansbury.

Will:Well, uh, that sounds like the, uh, truth.

Will:If I know, I can't say I don't know when you get busted... and Uncle Phil start rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.

Will:You're worse than tripping. You've fallen and you can't get up.

Ashley:Everything's so fake at Bel-Air Academy. The teachers, the kids, the noses.

Will:I ain't gonna dime you... but if he subpoenas me, I'm gonna be singing like Luther.

Will:It's Hack Boy, the stubby-fingered avenger.

Will:Maybe she's Counterfeit Girl, the sister of Hack Boy.

Carlton:Trust no one.

Will:Dysfunctional, uh, single parent, uh, gang member nuns.

Hilary:Why? What have Carlton and Ashley ever done for me?

Will:Whoa, if it isn't Belly D. Williams.

Phil · Vivian · Will:Do I hate these things. - Why agree to be on the Board of Trustees? - Well, I'm a judge and judges are supposed to be on boards. - Well, it's just that with you, it's usually a smorgasbord.

Will:It's girl talk. (in female voice)

Ashley · Will:When we go shopping for my cap and gown. That's assuming that you're gonna live till graduation.

Will:Ashley, let me sum this up for you in two words: Unh-unh.

Will:My fault? Oh, this one here gonna be good.

Ashley:It's like a drug, Will, and you got me hooked.

Will:Well, you better go cold turkey before you wind up a dead duck.

Ashley:I'm a terrible, terrible person. [SOBBING]

Will · Ashley:What? You smiled. I saw your reflection in the window.

Ashley:Oh, no. That was a happy smile. See?

Ashley:But if I go down, I'm taking you with me.

Will:There's my little bran muffin. (Will in deep voice as fake father)

Will:Rhaul, please.

Will:How could something so smooth be called sharp?

Will:God bless you, Miss Sharpe. (after fake Japanese)

Will:Uh, no, I'm single. I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us.

Will:We went from training wheels to training bras. They both came off too soon, didn't they kitten?

Will:You know, that runs in the family.

Will:Denzel ain't the only brother than can act.

Will:I made that up.

Will:I, uh, forgot to give you the number to my direct line.

Will:That is an absolutely intoxicating fragrance that you're wearing.

Miss Sharpe · Will:That's a fake mustache. - No, it's not. - Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

Miss Sharpe · Will:Will? / No, it's not.

Will:Look, ease up, Miss Tubman.

Phil:Then I should be honored that she thinks I look like a black Alfred Hitchcock.

Will:Good evening. (imitating Hitchcock)

Ashley · Will:Will has something he wants to tell you. I ain't got nothing.

Will:Because most parents want the truth, but they can't handle the truth.

Will:So in conclusion, I move for a change of venue. You give us a half-hour head start.

Will:So in conclusion, I move for a change of venue. You give us a half-hour head start.

Phil:Tomorrow when I wake up... Ashley will be back in Bel-Air Academy and maybe Will won't even be here.

Will:Whoa, whoa. Pull it back, baby. Pull it back. Like I'm doing. Pull it back.

Phil · Hilary · Carlton:Oh, and people in Bel-Air don't have real concerns? - It's pronounced Porsche. - Porsche. - Porsche. - Porsche.

Will:Whoa, good point, Ash.

Hilary · Carlton:San Tropez. - San Tropez.

Hilary:Inga is wearing a hand-woven dashiki from Nairobi. Her jewelry is from the Ivory Coast... and her weave is from Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

Hilary:Work it, you Nubian princess, you. Ha, ha.

Will:African Americans.

Will:Oh, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life.

Will:Whoo. She really something, huh? Hard to say no to her.

Will:Snob.

Will:And a one and a... Hell with that.

Phil:Maybe that's why they need metal detectors, huh?

Vivian:Sometimes we work so hard to give our kids what we didn't have... sometimes we forget to give them what we did have.

Phil · Will:What are you eating? - Food. What are you doing? - Cutting the tension.

Will:So, what's today's black topic? Amish rap stars?

Hilary:Thanks to my leopard skin midriff top, I hit an all-time high with male viewers.

Hilary · Will:I got more men yesterday than Sally Jesse Raphael gets in a year. - How hard could that be?

Will:How hard could that be?