The Script Formerly Known As

Will:Oh, well, you know, my moves are kind of like top secret, Nick. I mean, I could show you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Will:Now, this is called the Will Smith Hoop Dream, Dunk on Hakeem...Down the Lane, House of Pain pass.

Will · Nicky:Back in Philly, they used to call me Will 'The 747' Smith.

Hilary:Thad? I thought you were dating Kyle. I am. He's the flu.

Will:Hi, Will. What you doing? Five to ten if you don't take your hands off me.

Will · Hilary:Hill, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh? Three words: Stink. Stank. Stunk.

Will:Will and assistant engage in circular logic about responsibility and getting better guests

Will:Don't make me turn the hose on you, all right?

Will:Would you like to buy a vowel?

Will:Oh, really? Hey, did you check under your robe?

Will:You sure he wasn't just downloading his floppy?

Carlton:Carlton's dating service video being overly forward and confident

Carlton:Hm. A tad forward.

Carlton:That felt close.

Will:What is your problem, Pepe Le Puny?

Carlton:Of course you do. That's my Dad, you half-life.

Will:The dude that cut that jack-o'-lantern in your head last Halloween?

Jazz:It'd have been great if that candle hadn't burned the roof of my mouth.

Jazz:Why not? She got a nice big head.

George:Now, you know I'm gonna have to charge you extra for working around these ears.

George:The idiot that put the candle in his mouth?

George:First, you got Geraldo coming in here...you know his head is as empty as Al Capone's vault

George:I told Montel, 'Yeah, I'll do your show when you grow some hair.'

Will · George:We got cash. You got George.

Carlton:Oh, yeah, just yuk it up. He who laughs last... See, it's started already.

Carlton · Geoffrey:You're in my thoughts. Love, Thad.

Geoffrey:Please, for carnations and a little baby's breath? Nothing.

Carlton:So there's no sense of me playing, is there?

Will · Uncle Phil:Hey, Nicky, you will never guess who we got... How many times do I have to tell you kids? I just can't talk about it.

Store Employee:Then I can't discuss your radio. Back of the line.

George:Why should I be nervous? I'm all liquored up.

George:That lard-butt of a judge. That man is crazy as they come.

George:Couldn't judge a beauty pageant. About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest.

George:If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet.

George:Ain't that right, Will Smith?

Hilary:And if not, I'll just blame the whole thing on you. Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Uncle Phil:Oh, not bad for a lard butt, huh?

Will:And also that it's not called The Will Show.

Will:And also that it's not called The Will Show.

Hilary:Daddy, punish him. He needs tough love.

Will:Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood. See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they...

Hilary:I don't have any common sense.

Hilary:Yesterday, a dismissed juror in the Show-Biz Madam Trial...came on the show and said some really icky things about him.

Audience Member:You should be ashamed of yourself. Ow!

Carlton:Oh, no, not another rejection. Bad news? I sent this to Last Chance Video Dating. You know, 'We guarantee you a date,' except if your name is Carlton Banks.

Delivery Woman · Carlton:I wouldn't expect someone like you to have trouble meeting people. The only people I meet are dogs and shut-ins.

Carlton:You know, 'We guarantee you a date,' except if your name is Carlton Banks.

Carlton:Sweet mother of God, that's a firm handshake.

Uncle Phil:Tell me, what do you have planned for tomorrow? Perhaps snapshots of me in the bathtub, huh? Or a video of me chasing stray dogs in my car.

Hilary:Daddy, you don't do that, do you?

Ashley:Daddy, you don't do that, do you?

TV Host:Boy, here's a family that really puts the 'fun' back in dysfunctional, isn't it?

Will:Will performs 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going' from Dreamgirls