Treehouse Of Horror Vii

Bart:Dad, maybe it's just Snowball making noise.

Homer:Snowball? But I sleep with Snowball every night!

Bart:Dad, that's the cat.

Homer:I know.

Homer:Ah, there's nothing up in the attic! *laughs* Nothing to worry about at all!

Homer:But seriously, don't go up there. I'm not kidding. That's where we keep the... things.

Homer:I work hard for four kids.

Marge:Homer, we only have three kids.

Homer:I know. Three nosy kids.

Marge:What about Hugo?

Homer:Yeah, three.

Lisa:Oh my God, what is this?

Bart:Some kind of manuscript. It's all burnt and... oh no.

Lisa:What? What is it?

Bart:It's Dad's book. 'The Pukahontas Princess.'

Lisa:That's not frightening, that's just terrible.

Bart:No, you don't understand. He actually finished it.

Homer:Well, the car's getting rained on, so I better park it in the garage to keep it dry.

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Sure it does! If I park it outside, it gets wet. If I park it in the garage, it stays dry. I'm a genius!

Dr. Hibbert:We prefer to call it 'a touch of the sugar sickness' rather than diabetes.

Homer:Yeah, well, I call it 'a touch of the sugar sickness' when I stub my toe, too. Doesn't make it hurt any less.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I've been treating Hugo's injuries from the various abuses he's suffered. Thankfully, his suffering has somehow strengthened Homer and Marge's relationship.

Homer:He could be hiding in Radio Shack. That's where all the misfits hang out.

Bart:You're crazy!

Hugo:Crazy? Perhaps. But at least I'm not in denial about my mental instability like you are.

Hugo:It will be easy. I have done it before.

Homer:You have?

Hugo:Yes. Behold!

Hugo:A dog... with a cat's head!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, well, well. I've been examining Hugo's scar placement, and I have a revelation for you all.

Dr. Hibbert:Bart was actually the evil twin all along.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, it appears there was a simple mix-up at the hospital. Nothing to worry about—these things happen. I'd say Bart's decades of psychological trauma are merely a minor clerical error. We'll just update his file and call it even.

Marge:Well, Hugo's been eating straight from the serving bowl again, but at least he's family.

Homer:Yeah, and he only bit Bart twice at dinner. That's progress!

Lisa:Actually, his feral vocalizations are quite fascinating from a sociological perspective.

Hugo:HRRAAAAGH!

Maggie:*pacifier sucking sound of approval*

Bart:Can I have some turkey?

Marge:Finish your fish heads first.

Lisa:What does your project prove?

Bart:That nerds conduct electricity.

Homer:You know, technically, a donut is a sandwich.

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Sure it does! It's got stuff in the middle!

Marge:I'm sorry the waffle iron is in the shop.

Homer:In the shop? Marge, everything we own is in the shop! The toaster, the blender, the electric nose hair trimmer... I can't remember the last time I had a working appliance in this house!

Lisa:Oh no! He's nailing his theses to the door! That's the Protestant Reformation!

Lisa:This will lead to centuries of religious conflict and the fracturing of Christian unity!

Bart:Oops! Oh no, I accidentally knocked over your building. Whoopsie-daisy! And another one... Oh geez, that was an accident too. Man, I'm really clumsy today. Ooh, there goes another one. So many accidents!

Lisa:Bart, you're doing this on purpose!

Bart:Accident! Accident! Accident!

Bart:I'm gonna flush your civilization down the toilet!

Lisa:Bart, that's not even a real threat.

Bart:I'm gonna flush your civilization down the toilet, then follow it with a colossal crap!

Lisa:I've discovered the cause of my condition! A reversible subatomic particle malfunction that I'm calling... the debigulator!

Tiny Civilization Leader:We learned English by imitating your people.

Tiny Civilization Leader:We can pronounce every word eggsactly as you do.

Lisa Simpson:He's just my brother, not the devil.

Tiny Civilization Leader:Well, that's a relief. Though I suppose the theological implications are still rather complicated.

Bill:So Lisa, if God is all-powerful, can He create a burrito so big even He couldn't eat it?

Lisa:That's a classic paradox, Bill.

Bill:Yeah, well, can He make me thin?

Tiny Civilization Leader:Ah yes, the rebigulator! A device to return you to normal size.

Tiny Civilization Leader:Of course, 'rebigulator' is a ridiculous name. We should have called it the 'de-miniaturizer.'

Lisa:I accept my role as your trapped deity.

Tiny Person:Oh thank goodness! What do you need, oh great one?

Lisa:Well, first of all, I'm going to need a much larger throne. And those tiny grapes? Seedless only. And someone needs to fan me with palm fronds while I contemplate the mysteries of the universe.

Tiny Person:Yes! Yes! Anything you wish, oh mighty Lisa!

Homer:Fishing is about patience, serenity, and respect for nature.

Homer:Come on, you stupid fish! Bite my line! Bite it now!

Homer:Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Alien:But you just said you have a wife and kids.

Homer:I know what I said!

Kang:We have no interest in probing you.

Kang:We've already done it.

Bob Dole:Bob Dole doesn't like this. Bob Dole demands to be released immediately. Bob Dole is a senator and Bob Dole has rights.

Alien:Silence, Earth creature.

Bob Dole:Bob Dole will not be silenced. Bob Dole speaks for the American people, and Bob Dole says this is highly irregular.

Homer:Wait a minute... that crazy guy on the internet was right about the aliens!

Homer:What are you spraying on me?

Kang:Rum to discredit him rather than harm him

Kent Brockman:Well, that's just campaign rhetoric. I'm sure the alien leader didn't really mean all those threats about destroying our planet.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you this special report. A man claiming to be the real Bob Dole has emerged from the woods, threatening global annihilation unless he is made president.

Kent Brockman:While most would call this alarming, I for one welcome this refreshing brand of political honesty.

Kang:To please everyone, I will take both sides on abortion: I'm for it! And against it! And I have tiny American flags for all of you!

Crowd:Yay!

Kang:Our human candidates are perfectly adequate.

Kodos:Yes, both are utterly incompetent and easily manipulated.

Kang:The key to successful political deception is simple: promise everything, deliver nothing, and blame the other guy.

Kodos:Brilliant! It's like they were made for this.

Kang:Don't you mean we made them for this?

Kodos:Yes, yes, of course. By 'they,' I meant our creations.

Reporter:Why are you two holding hands?

Kodos:It's a common human bonding ritual. When two beings interlock their opposable digits, it triggers the release of oxytocin, a neurochemical that promotes trust and companionship. We aliens are simply trying to appear more relatable to your species.

Fake Clinton:That's right. It's perfectly normal.

Kodos:And before you ask, no, there is nothing suspicious about it whatsoever. Hand-holding serves a biological purpose in human society and we are merely engaging in it to blend in seamlessly. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Fake Clinton:I was born on a boat. I've been to parties where the ceilings were so low, I had to crouch down. I once knew a man who had a wooden eye, but it was actually made of glass. My father was a shriner, but he refused to make me a sandwich. I went to Yale, but only on Tuesdays. I'm very, very humble. In fact, I'm the most humble person you'll ever meet. I told my son, 'Son, if you want to succeed in this world, you've got to learn to twirl. Twirl, twirl, twirl! You've got to twirl!'

Real Clinton:This is an outrage! Where's the Secret Service? I'm a former president being held captive by extraterrestrials, and nobody's doing anything about it!

Kang:We have selected the two candidates Americans deserve.

Kang:It doesn't matter who you vote for. Either way, we win.

Citizen:Why don't we just vote for a third-party candidate?

Kang:Oh, a third-party vote! Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, I did—in 1992. You know how many votes Perot got? 19 million. You know what changed? Nothing. A third-party vote is just a vote for whoever you like least.

Homer:I can't be responsible for this! I voted for the other alien!