Marge

Ooh! Careful, Homer! There's no time. We're late.

Ooh, it's Lisa! That's ours.

Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.

Our little cat Snowball... was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball I.

Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart-- Well, we love Bart.

A tattoo? A what? Yeah! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life.

Turn around. you can look now. Ooh! Big jar this year.

Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous.

However, it is rather expensive, and we must insist on a cash payment up front. Cash? Mm-hmm. Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.

Do I smell gunpowder?

We got one? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

Hey, look at this. 'I am a wiener.' He sure is.

Lisa: 'I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.' Marge: 'Oh, well.'

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom. Oh, well.

Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? / You're right. There. [points at kids]

Well, I sense greatness in my family. / Your family? / Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little 'al-key-hol' in this punch.

Marge, knock it off. - Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What are they doing? - They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each other.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump! / It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. / Homer, this is our house.

Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? / Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here!

Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.

Now, Doctor, that's not true. / Ogre is such a strong word.

It's not the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.

Do I smell cupcakes? - Ooh! Do I ever! -Uh-uh, Homer.

It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and hmm-- Oh, brother.

This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side? / Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.

Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?

Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.

Lisa! Get away from that jazzman! / But Mom! Can't I stay a little longer? / Come on. We were worried about you. Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

Take all your bad feelings and push them down. All the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them.

Lisa, I apologize to you. I was wrong. I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad.

Marge, how could you? I was so close. / I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.

Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. / Maps.

My feet are getting wet! / Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature.

There. Finished. / You are? / Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. / It is?

Imagine what your father, an experienced woodsman, has done.

Why, that's my husband!

His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.

Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.

How would you describe your marital relations? Brutish? / Is this going to be on TV? / Coast to coast.

Oh, Homer. My brilliant beast.

Get your butts down here right now!

Bart, assume the position

Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible

What about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

I think he forgot, Mom. - Mm-hmm.

And the kids. - Fair enough. - And my sisters. - Doh!

What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it! But this occasion is already so special. If we made it any more special, we might end up making it less special.

It's hard for me to judge since I've never bowled in my life!

You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it! - So you'd know it was from me!

I'm here out of spite. - Can't bowl without a lane.

A little warm and moist. Ugh!

Oh, no, no. Homer's my... ball's name. - I'm Marge.

Caress it. Experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it, Marge? You could eat off of it. You hungry? Four onion rings!

I'm a married women. Don't call me that. - No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink.

You're so naive. They are for lovemaking. - Really? - Yes.

Homer brags that a girl in Valve Maintenance 'has the hots for yours truly' while talking to his wife

You're not a blimp, Homer. You're my big cuddly teddy bear.

Oh. Don't strain yourself, dear.

My suggestion is for you to sleep in the filth you created.

Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the county?

If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

Oh! - Aw, Homer! - Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus!

and he ate with utensils

Leave Homer? / Don't use his real name! / Leave Pedro?

Goodness. Must be a crossed wire.

Dad dances? / Like an angel.

Bye, kids! Watch out for the boy.

'Cause I'm so care free? / No, because you're wearing a bib.

Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp. / Oh, there it-- went. / No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit.

Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home, you know, just to check on the kids?

The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

The little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing? Just a little dim, I guess.

Some women find bald men quite virile. / Weren't you listening? This is a breakthrough.

Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years.

Hire him. / I'll call you back.

Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a strange holiday. I don't understand it. Kids worshiping ghosts, pretending to be devils... things on TV that are inappropriate for children.

But tonight's show, which I wash my hands of, is really scary.

...instead of writing us angry letters. Thanks for your attention.

Well, he must have been motivated. Prime location, 18 rooms, moat. We shouldn't be able to afford this.

-What on earth was that? -Oh, just the house settling.

This family has had its differences... but we've never had knife fights. I blame this house.

Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!

Why are you scaring us? To keep us from getting close... and maybe even loving you?

My name is Marge Simpson, and we're not going anywhere. We're going to have to live together, so you better get used to it. Please.

These are hard to make. They're an advanced race.

You don't let me express myself. / You express yourself in the home you keep and the food you serve

Oh, Mom, that felt awful. / I'm sorry. It will all be over soon. / But we've become the tools of evil

When a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in on weekends, no one man can destroy them

It just means you can't wave your fanny in public. Rub it in.

Well, it was how he said it. -How did he say it? -He.... -Was he angry? -No. -Rude? -It wasn't how he said it either... but the message was loud and clear. Our family stinks.

Get down before the neighbors see-- / Simpson!

Having never received encouragement, I'm not sure how it should sound. But here goes. I believe in you.

-Open the can. -Where's the can opener? It's in the second drawer from the right. No, no, the other one.

-I always said she was gifted. -Definitely from our side. Right, Mom?

Give me the number for 911!

-Rasputin, the Friendly Russian. -Wasn't he the Mad Russian?

I hope you're not taking this seriously. 5-year-olds know this is as choreographed as ballet.

-We can go to both. -Marge, you're a genius!

I reached him. Drive defensively. The best defense is a good offense. Faster, Dad. Truck-a-saurus awaits!

-My little boy! -Come on, Marge, we're mad at him.

-Are you all right? -Better than all right. I got stitches! Probably a scar too.

They're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.

A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmeric and a whisper of MSG.

Where would a child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet?

I don't think adults have ever sat down and watched them before.

What kind of warped human being would find that funny?

What kind of warped human being would find that funny?

I'll show them what one screwball can do!

How long are we gonna do this? / I've never changed the world. I don't know how long it takes.

What is 'S-N-U-H'? / Snuh. It's 'Springfieldians for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping.'

There's peas in my cobbler. / They're everywhere.

Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they'd both have pie.

I like that statue. / I knew she was soft on nudity.

One person can make a difference but probably shouldn't.

There he is, Michelangelo's Dave. / David.

Really? Why? / They're forcing them!

My mother said, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything.' Will that hold up? No, I've tried.

And he mispronounced words like 'abdomen.'

Well, we can't blame them for trying, can we?

Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.

What's that word you use for when you and I...? / When we're intimate? / 'Be intimate with Marge.'

The clouds are forming... Give me a break.

His drool, it's warm!

Do you have to sit so close? It'll hurt your eyes.

-So what are you in for? -I'm a political prisoner.

-Ignoramus? -It means I'm stupid, doesn't it? -Stupidity is different. -Not to me.

-Why is there make-out music on? -It helps me study.

-Ay, carumba! -Bart!

It's for mommies and daddies who love each other.

-Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! -Borrowed? -Okay, that stuff I stole from work.

Don't confuse him.

The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.

Now that's a sewing finger, honey.

I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching because Brandy knows the body is hidden in the boathouse.

My quilt! Six generations, ruined!

This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt.

You promised you'd only have six servings of pork a week.

Patty chose celibacy but Selma simply had it thrust upon her.

My sister's not going out with Barney Gumble! She's no prize pig herself, you know!

Know where this bastard lives? His parents aren't married. It's the correct word, isn't it? He's got us there.

But, Marge, I want to see my brother! Homer, it's an empty threat.

All born in wedlock? Yes, but Bart was a close call.

Wait! Let me see if I got this right. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m...there's a rumble in my belly-- Homer!

Series of rejected activity suggestions

Like I'm gonna ruin $600 teeth on 40 cents' worth of beef

Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.

Homer, I found your weights. -Oh, the Glutimus Maximizer.

Who's the mop-top with the schnoz? -That's Ringo Starr.

Another one of that bongo beater! -Mr. Schindler--

What do you think, Homer? -Do I have to do anything? -No. -Great! Fine! Go nuts!

Clever title. -Thanks. My brother thought of it.

What? The man was a fool! -I admire the force of his conviction.

Lincoln, I've been thinking What have you been drinking? Is it water? Is it wine? Oh, my gosh, it's turpentine

I told you to show support. -Way to go, Dad! -You look marvelous!

Ring Go? -He was the drummer for the Beatles. Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show.

Can you make me beautiful? -That won't be a problem. -I'm no matinee idol. Maybe not, but I have the gift of seeing inner beauty.

Something's on my leg! Get it off! -Mr. Burns, she's just a baby!

Did he have spots all over his body? -I heard that!

I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr. Burns' fearsome head...with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue and evil brain...there was a frail, withered body, perhaps not long for this world...as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures.

And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. I thought I did.

Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web and cried at the end. / A book made him cry!

Can I wear jewelry? / Sure. / Dye my shoes? Paint my nails? Can we have wine? Can I have wine? Does Bart have to be there?

Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork chops? Oh, no, of course not.

-Homer! You promised. -That I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie.

What about that bash with champagne and musicians and holy men? -That was our wedding! -Oh.

Remember when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No.

Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. I apologize for my husband. If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.

But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it.

Why do you need a sitter? I'm 10 1/2! -I'll give you a taste of me hand.

He blows his nose on towels and puts them back. Only a couple of times.

He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are long and yellow. That's all I can think of.

-To who? -Those weirdos in the store!

Good comics? You only buy Casper the Wimpy Ghost.

-Homer! -Just kidding, Marge.

Don't gloat, Homer.

When I was your age, I wanted a child-sized electric light bulb oven.

-She doesn't have anybody. -There's a reason.

My shoe size? 4-B. How many teeth do I have? Sixteen. Ring? Don't wear them. But three. Allergies? Butterscotch. And? Monster makeup.

How many hairs on my head? Homie, you have lots of hair.

I'll show you mad in the morning! Homer, you encouraged him. You should be strangling yourself!

What did Homie do anyway? He saved Mr. Burns' life.

Oh, my God. Mother was right.

Ain't it the truth? No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men.

Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. Don't be so-- Oh, you're right.

Do kids still use that word 'cool'?

there was some important work at the plant that only he could take care of

Those children's parents... should be ashamed of themselves.

Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister

That will learn them

you scavenger of human misery

What does it pay? Thirty bucks a week. I make more than that.

S.A.T. scores are declining at a slower rate

Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes. It's actually more of a honey glaze. Maybe you ate a clove.

In the Christmas pageant, they're always sheep

How can he hurt someone who loves him so? Oh, Mrs. Simpson... I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question.

Bart, wipe your feet. Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.

Poor Krusty. He's like a velvet painting come to life.

I do a radio call-in show with him... every Sunday night. - Really? - I didn't know that. I mention it in my sermon every week.

I got something in my eye. Take my hankie. Eeyugh!

Before last year's Halloween show... I warned you not to let your children watch... but you did anyway. Well, this year's episode is even worse.

Well, if you didn't listen to me last time... you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Oh, no! Maggie made a wish.

Oh, my land! Ooh.! A luxury car. Good baby. Good Maggie. Ohh, a new pacifier. D'oh!

Look, everybody. My purse exploded!

It's good that you made that awful thing, Bart. It's real good.

He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.

You're taping it? / Yes. / I'll watch it later.

Was that a yes or a no? / Baa. / Those aren't even words. / Sna.

We could cut down on beer. / We're not going to do that.

30 years. / D'oh.

Steve McQueen. That's your hero.

He's always chewing on that phone cord. He hasn't done that since he was two.

You know, there is such a thing as being a bad winner.

They've got better things to talk about than you. Sheesh, what an ego.

When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

Your father's stock is worth $5,200!

Homer's probably buying some magic beans with it.

Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test

Pirate-themed pregnancy test instructions

Test turns pink instead of blue or purple

Homer's pregnancy symptoms

Well, thank you, Mr. Blow-The-Picture-For-Me

Actually, she was singing about God. Oh, well, he's always happy. No, wait, he's always mad.

Someday I'll buy you a real castle. You don't have to do that. Whoo, good.

You may not look like Ted Bessell, but you're just as nice

I heard radiation can make you sterile. Now you tell me.

Yeah. The doctor.

Handle first, handle first

You want fries with that?

The oil is burning my finger

'I knocked you up.' 'No, because I love you.'

He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!

Before we got it... I was always finding Patty's stubble... in my leg razor.

You must think we're the worst parents in the world. Yes, that's pretty much the feeling down at the station.

It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Homer! Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live. D'oh!

You'll grow into it.

Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger.

Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger.

Homer, all those fatty... deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks... can't be good for your heart. My heart is just fine.

things I'll tell you when you're older

Well, anyone who would do that isn't your friend.

How did you know?

You could use some new underwear too.

I am not cleaning that. Mmm, who am I kidding?

Now, Maggie... when you grow up... you can suck your pacifier all you want.

Overwhelming morning chaos with multiple demands

One at a time!

Bart, your hat's behind the toilet.

Get... out!

Krusty brand duck sausage pizza

Feels like there's a rat in my brain!

Noooo!!

Don't!

Oh, Gregory... where have you been all my life?

I can't even put a bag over my head.

Let's get out of here, Thelma. Okay, Louise.

Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks. Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders.

It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer

Homer, that was a 20.

Homer, you old honey dripper.

Homie, come to bed. Homer, go back to the garage.

And there he goes off in that direction. And everyone is happy.

Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs.

Children, tell me... when your father stops scratching himself.

No, Mom. It counts as a hit. Dad just won the game.

This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast... into a smiley face for Bart and Homer... What's the point? They'll never notice.

we'll all live... in cities on the moon... I was wrong about that

The lottery is the one ray of hope... in my otherwise unbearable life! Uh, the lottery and you.

Homer, the odds are 380 million to one. Correction: 380 million to 50!

Oh, well, we lost the money... but we've still got each other. Hey, the dog's dead.

He's not dead. Don't say the dog's dead when he's not. It's not fair to toy with people's emotions. He is dead. I'll get a shovel.

You are not performing that operation yourself. But, Marge, it looks so easy. Just like carving a turkey.

Fried chicken night will be organ meat night. Ham night will be spam night, and pork chop night... will be chub night. I don't even know what that is.

Marge, I've figured out... an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats. I don't think you've thought this through.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come... he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

Remember? Doggie heaven? Oh, Marge! There is no such place. Or... to put it another way... there is.

You can pet the cat. The cat? What's the point?

Homer, if it makes you feel any better... most of what they threw at you splattered on me.

I guess that executive stress ball we got him isn't working.

Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. You did it at the county fair last year, remember?

while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest... Maggie got her first tooth.

As much as I hate that man right now... you got to love that suit.

Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burned fool? / Always has been.

I do.

Then why aren't you using the good silverware? - I'm just not.

You're living proof that our revolving-door prison system works.

My little guy's first rock concert. I hope the Spinal Taps don't play too loud.

I hear you.

I meant a real guitar. This is real.

Mom, I thought... you might forget... our conversation this afternoon... so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can.

Uh, you got any of those Where's Waldo? books? No. - Anything from the vampire's point of view? - No. Anything where guys... send in naked pictures of their chicks?

Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations..? Hmm... hostage negotiations.

What in God's name are you talking about?

Marge... where's that... metal dealie... you use to... dig... food? You mean, a spoon?

You mean, a spoon? Yeah, yeah, yeah!

What the hell are you..? Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat-- The dream is over.

I've been living in a cardboard box... sleeping on grates, eating out of Dumpsters. You? Can't complain.

This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. On, off. On, off. He knows how to work a light switch. Oh, yeah, right.

I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Council. They do good work.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it... when right now... rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it... when right now... rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

I'm gonna swim 'nekkid.' You're what? Ah, sure, there'll be a couple of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over.

Ah, kids' letters from camp. Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.

You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. - Sounds interesting.

Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?

For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!

Keep yelling, you big ape.

Give it a little more gas. [Pedal Banging] No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? What? What would help? Nothing.

That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Ooh, fuzzy.

I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry. No kiddin'.

Homer, you're ruining it. Yeah, well, it was an evil game.

Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes, I'll hold.

we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman. Oh, well, isn't that-- Whoa!

Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.

I can't find your father. Oh, Homer.

Now, kids, instead of candy... I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits. Fruit is nature's candy.

Homer, did you barricade the door? Why? Oh, the zombies. No.

Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies. Shh! TV. Man fall down. Funny.

What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? - Poisoned pizza.

Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

Is it 37? - D'oh! I mean, no.

Well, well. If it isn't the tooth fairy.

How could you let this happen? - How could you let this happen? - I wasn't here. - Oh, how convenient.

Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? - Earl Warren wasn't a stripper. - Now who's being naive?

Homer, that's dishwashing liquid! Yeah, but what Are ya gonna do?

Where does the Bible say 'racket'?

Lisa, shh! Someone might be listening.

'Worked for the Carter Administration'? Well, you voted for him... twice!

Let me be the first to say-- [Speaking Foreign Language] What? Welcome aboard. I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Last week some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.

You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie. What did they do? They discovered radium. Then they both died of radiation poisoning.

You... have a husband? Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders... curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold!

Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning. Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Mrs. Simpson, isn't it true your husband once consumed a 10-pound bag of flour when no other food was available? - Yes, but it was--

Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde. Show a little respect

If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things. - Good. - Fine. I'll never ever do another stupid thing

[Walking into door] Oh, Homie. Didn't that hurt? [Weakly] No

Homer, this is really low. Not as low as my low, low prices

This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket? Just, uh, for fun

Ms. Pac-Man struck a blow for women's rights.

A young Joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh.

Who did this? - Baby. Bad baby.

My Cousin Frank did it. You don't have a Cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home? About three weeks.

Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.

My heart is just f-- [Gasps, Groans] - Homie, what is it? -Just workin' the turkey through.

What the hell is this? - Nice, healthy oatmeal. - Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Oh, there's a bug in it. - No, there isn't. - Trust me.

Ooh. Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister... get one free. [Phone Ringing] Hello. Yes. Oh, dear Lord! Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! [Door Shuts] Oh, my God. What? Five cents off wax paper.

Now, how much do we have in the checkbook? Seventy dollars. Have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet? No.

Well, Marge, we could do worse. How? Uh, some dog could do the operation.

Mom, this is fascinating. Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes? I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.

Oh, Homie, I could never remarry. Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch... as a constant reminder of our marital vows.

Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because-- [Whispering] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man.

Marge, this is Andre. Hello. [Chuckles] I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me. [Chuckles]

Like a giant billboard that says, 'No fat chicks'? No!

My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Chat a way. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken. Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game... and you did it last year, remember?

According to this book, the monorail goes over 1 50 miles an hour. What if something goes wrong? What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed!

Homer, there's a family Of possums in here. I call the big one Bitey.

How much did you see? Uh, nothing incriminating. Good. Well, bye.

We're too late! I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Batman? No, he's a scientist. Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman!

And that was the only folly... the people of Springfield ever embarked upon... except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere.

'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! Oh, Homer, quit pouting. I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Wait a minute. That was Prince of Tides.

No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.

Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie. Well, I'll give it a good home. Mm!

Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment. Are you going to eat it? Yes.

To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit.

Yentl? What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter rabbinical school. Sounds great! Oh, my God! You're delirious.

That Yentl puts the 'she' in yeshiva. Hmm. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think. [Imitates Tiger Growl]

The Erotic Adventures of Hercules with Norman Fell as Zeus. Whoo-hoo!

And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate. - No!

Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? / [Shrieks] [Door slams]

Your husband was found D.O.A. / Oh, my God! He's dead? / Oh, wait. I mean D.W.I. / I always get those two mixed up.

Does the Lord count as a person? / No. / Then, yes.

Do you need a beer to fall asleep? / Thank you. That'd be nice.

Do you ever drink to escape from reality? [Homer humming and dancing]

Did you say 'beer' or 'deer'? - Deer. - Please, Homie. I know you can do this.

You got it. No deer for a month. / Did you say 'beer' or 'deer'? / Deer.

What was that noise? / I was saying, 'Psst! I love you.'

You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

I found it in your pants. Yoink!

And make lifelong connections to the world of organized crime. Hmm. Organized crime.

Goons. Who? Hired goons. Hired goons?

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck... pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh. That doesn't sound like they like you at all. You're right. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- [Yelps] Bart, Lisa, stop that!

You're a veterinarian? That's right. And for an extra $20... I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.

It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

'Third notice'? 'Final notice'? 'Some guys are coming'?

Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.

What did you say? I don't know. I flunked Latin too.

That was Happy Days. No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle. Or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks... and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.

Look, there's Bobby Mindich, the class clown. I... am not a crook! [Laughs] Eh? Richard Nixon. I know!

We're not going to church today. [Gasps] What? You give me one good reason! It's Saturday! Okilly-dokilly-do!

[Chuckling] I bought a bell.

[Ringing Shrilly] [Both Scream] I think I'll unplug that.

Look what I got, Marge. A new whacking stick. Whack! Ooh. Excuse me. Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book 'Johnny Deformed.'

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast. [Both Laugh]

Good Lord. Flu germs entering every orifice in my head. Uhh.

Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet. Marge, please, I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters.

Amazing!

All he needs is a hook. I'm a bad widdle boy. ¡Aycarumba!

Krusty, what have you done to yourself? I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes. You mean those diet milk shakes? Uh-oh.

Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand. [Marge sobbing]

I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters. I'm pretty sure there is. Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle--

Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say 'Stay away from my son' again. No!

Hello, Mr. Thompson. I think he's talking to you.

Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? Yes, he would.

I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. I knew it.

I think we should just give him the bear that he cherishes so much.

Well, why can't I be greedy once in a while?

The deal's off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here.

Have you been up all night eating cheese? I think I'm blind.

Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? It's an ending. That's enough.

Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm?

Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room? Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.

Homer, stop picking at it. But I'm so sweet and tasty.

Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking.

You have to kill the head vampire. You're the head vampire? No, I'm the head vampire! Mom? I do have a life outside this house, you know.

You can't back out like when you volunteered for that army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'

Sure, Homer. Trapped in vending machines. Okay.

It's almost 9:30. [Laughs] Yeah, right. We better turn in. [Laughs, stops] Oh, you were serious.

All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer. Your point being?

Marge, you can't go out on Saturday. That's our special night. What's so special about it? A little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Where're you going? I don't know. When will you be home? I'm not sure. Where're you going? You already asked me that.

I am lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children. Thank you very much.

Oh, wow. I've wasted my life.

Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here? I'm here with my nephews.

You're not gonna hunt me for sport are you?

I hit it! I hit it! My cans. My precious, antique cans. Aw, look what you done to 'em.

Homer, stop that. It's just a weather station. Come on, Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good.

This car's stolen. Fat chance.

You're right. I am lucky to have him.

Why do you read that 'Free' column, Homer? They never have anything good.

He said what now? Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

If it were up to you all we'd ever do is work and go to church. That's not true. Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.

I made sloppy joes. [Scoffs] That's not fun.

[Montage of Marge nagging quotes]

I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive coculprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things... I just enable your life-script.

A human going! Bart, be quiet.

I feel like such a free spirit... and I'm really enjoying this so-called 'iced cream.'

Steak? Money's too tight for steak. Steak? Mm, sure. Steak.

I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head. What is it with you kids and that word?

That raccoon stole my lamb chop!

I got two dollars off because mine got smeared.

Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm. Marge.

[Man] Probably Marge is gonna have some [objection]. Actually, I think it might really help our economy.

Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. And you did it in 1977.

Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino. - I was for the casino! - Strike three, Marge!

Oh, what the hey!

You're spending too much time at the casino, and I think you may have a problem. - I won $60 last night. - Whoo-hoo! Problem solved!

Yer getta ferda redda oura. - Think before you say each word. - You broke a promise to your child.

Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that. - Aw, what a gyp.

Homer, when you forgive someone you can't throw it back at them like that. - Aw, what a gyp. - Remember when I-- - Homer! - Oh, yeah. I forgot already.

And our portable TV. - D'oh! / And my necklace. - Ah, that's no big loss.

You probably got a whole drawer full of'em. / Well, yes, I do, but they're all heirlooms too.

Curse you, magic beans! / Stop blaming the beans.

The only one who has it easy is Marge. [Marge grunting with effort]

This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It's not even about him. Sure it is. Look at the cover. But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.

You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard. - Oh, they'll never move that way.

Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set!

Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1.99! [Gasps] Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents. [Both] Ew!

-Just what I was gonna say. - [Growls, Grunts]

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

Well, we respect you. [Lisa, Bart Laughing]

Bart, I told you. Don't draw on your father's skull.

I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary... then apprehensive, then kind of sleepy... then worried and then concerned.

Bart, do you have something nice to say to your father? [Squeaking] Nah, he knows how I feel.

With the money you would have made working, you could've bought tickets from a scalper. In theory, yes. Jerk.

Why do you mock me, O Lord? Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.

Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and take his tickets? Ye-- No.

Oh, of course you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years. In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe. That was you!

Then stop screaming so loud. Okay. [Quieter Screaming]

Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows... but they'll save us four percent on our heating bill.

That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him! No, Dad, he's grooming him. Grooming him, eh? Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head. I know. He's grooming me.

Technically, it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.

Look at this, Marge. $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world. Stampy's food bill today was $300.

Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline. Dad, feline means cat. Elephant, honey. It's an elephant.

This is just what happened at the caramel factory.

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me? Uh... sure. [Bionic Jumping Sound]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah. Let's push him down the steps. No!

That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing... but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!

Homer, that's Hans Moleman. Can I keep him anyway? Huh? Huh?

Because one of them hung out with me for a week, trying to get my character down. Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia.

Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? - I just think they're neat.

It says Freddy Quimby beat a waiter half to death. Those Quimby children are so wild and rich. I hope he finally gets what's coming to him.

But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Oh, yeah. Right. You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that. Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't!

I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.

Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy... who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent. Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying... 'Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.' Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head... like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

Give me those! And those.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin.

Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street.

We didn't invite other babies. Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies.

Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

Tell her I love her! / Grampa, shh! I know my mother. If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away. / I love ya. / What? / Uh, I love ya, Mom.

I love ya. / What? / Uh, I love ya, Mom. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya, Mom. Gotta go.

Oh! Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns. He's an evil man. / Evil, schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me.

But compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold.

Marge and Lisa's non-verbal response to Homer's question

How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow? - Buh. - Snuh.

That's because you were drunk! - And how.

complete and utter dependence. - Homer, that's not a good thing. - Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing.

You could've been nicer to Principal Skinner, if you know what I mean. Lisa! I am nice.

I thought I had the tallest hair, but that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.

While you were out 'earning' that dollar, you lost 40 dollars by not going to work. The plant said if you don't come tomorrow, don't bother coming Monday. Four-day weekend!

I nipped it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again.

It's 9:30 p.m., and you spent your whole Saturday...drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.

...by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.

No, no. Homer is my ball's name. I'm Marge.

Thank goodness I drove down that ironic street.

So if you mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband...that's my idea of romance.

Well, as Jerry Lee Lewis would say: 'There's a whole lot of frowning going on.'

We're going to the Highway 9 bird sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year. It's shaped like a diner. And it's on this really tall pole.

What's the matter with you? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car. The whole trunk's full of them, Marge.

that mouse pulled out the cat's lungs... and played them like a bagpipe. In the next scene, the cat's breathing comfortably. Just like in real life.

I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me.

How are you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.

This truly was the best vacation ever. Now, let us never speak of it again.

I consider myself politically correct. His views make me uncomfortable.

Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.

Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary, Congress won't even let us show it.

Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie... Two Hundred Miles to Oregon.

Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station!

I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! - Homer! - Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry.

Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? - We're just gonna have to wait and see.

This is less encouraging.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer something, something. - Go Crazy? - Don't mind if I do!

Chili would be good tonight.

Well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second.

Homer, change channel. - Can't. Frozen.

Doughnut? What's a doughnut?

Homer, the sky is blue, doughnuts are plentiful, Friday is TGIF night on ABC.

Listen, kids, you're 8 and 10 years old now. I can't fight all your battles for you.

You just answered your own question with that commode mouth.

I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair. Awful, awful hair.

Have you noticed any change in Bart? New glasses? No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses.

I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities. But then I'd be afraid of smothering him. - Yeah. And then we'd get the chair. - That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it.

Thirty cents off Shake N' Bake. / Homer! / We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.

Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. / I know. How about we play the basketball?

I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but...

Watch out for the Shaq attack!

Ma. I think I'm all hugged out. / Ah, one more.

I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you.

Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash.

I had to choose between a grad student at the university or a scary-looking hobo.

Will you two stop saying 'gummi' so much?

How did they get there?

That's your solution to everything, to move under the sea. It won't happen. - Not with that attitude.

Oh, that man is sick. - Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer. But listen to the music. He's evil.

Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? - Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.

Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber... on late night TV? Is there something wrong, Homie? It's just that I've only seen this twice before... and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye... What I meant to say is, we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.

Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? No. Can I sit on the roof... with a baseball bat in case a UFO comes? Yes, that's fine. Good, good.

What you looking at? I'm just reading up on artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...

Homie, I can't quite fit. The faucet's jammed into my back. I'm stuck. So am I.

This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room. No, honey. It's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.

Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one.

Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't wanna have me. You didn't wanna have Bart. You're never supposed to tell the child. You tell Bart all the time. But when I do it, it's cute.

Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog. They've been living in sin.

Judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one, you are.

Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me.

People always say how small England is, but you couldn't fit it all in here. Not by a long shot.

My father was a stewardess.

My father was a stewardess.

You might even say he was an American hero. Let's not go nuts.

Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think, 'Lowenstein. Lowenstein.' My name is Zweig. Lowenstein...

You stalked Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden.

Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites.

Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club. Oh, Homie. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.

And only two of those members have special rings. I meant our wedding rings!

And here's our TV next to the mirror. It looks like we have two.

Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing. Here he is after a visit from the sandman. Here's nappy time, Bart. Here's a cute one. He's all tuckered out.

Bart, you were Lisa's age. And, Lisa... you were the age Bart was several years ago.

It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live.

The information superhighway showed the average person... what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.

And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

I've got sand in my underpants. Me too. Let's go home.

Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Well, you know, a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. What?! Of course, that was just a test. Had you reacted differently, why, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test.

My contractions started an hour ago. Just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it?

There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. Just rinse it good.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. But then you've always been proud of me. - Yes.

The following people are gay. - Turn it off. - Just a second.

We have a bomb shelter? - Homer Simpson takes care of his family.

I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm. - I am holding still. I am squirming.

I'm sorry. Homer doesn't mean to be rude. He's just a very complicated man. Wrong!

Be careful with my sisters' heads. Their necks are brittle.

I'm sorry. All we have is Nescafé. I'm very, very sorry.

But I like to make you breakfast. In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon. But no powdered sugar, I don't deserve it. Maybe a little powdered sugar.

Tested, Homer. God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters.

Marge, are we Jewish? No, Homer.

Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best-looking of them all?

Look what you made me write.

Are you humoring me? / Yes. / Okay. Wait a minute. That's bad!

Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize... a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. / Just hook it to my veins!

Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.

Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

Oh, it's just easier this way.

Are you just putting new newspapers over the old ones?

On a completely unrelated topic...I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight.

Reverend Lovejoy, your old Army drill sergeant...and the regional director of the IRS.

She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.

A little too well, if you ask me.

Great news, Mom! Horrible news, Mom! The school's on strike! Maybe forever. Overload. Pleasure overload.

Sit up straight. Eyes forward. No talking. Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum?

Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.

This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear.

Hey, Bart, what about the booby trap? May I? Thank you. Mama's boy! Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet! I meant the other booby trap.

Kids have been doing that one since my day.

I hate it when he gets in there.

'Here you go, precious.' That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now, isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Yeah.

Homer, this is an operation. / Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!

Well, it's like the time that your cat, Snowball, got run over. / Remember, honey? / Yeah. / What I'm saying is, all we have to do... is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

What do you do, follow my husband around? / Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Be careful. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types.

I, like, totally won again. Way to go, bro! He looks and acts just like the dealer. I think they're related, or at least in cahoots.

You're giving three-card monte a bad name!

How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this!

Well, it was pretty exciting. But celery soup's pretty exciting too.

Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.

Thanks, Benevenstanciano

Oh. Sorry, Simpson. You'll have to do the course again. I was trying to get this Magic Eye thing to work. Look at that. A pony.

Homer, give me my pepper spray! Oh, Marge. One squirt and you're south of the border. Incapacitating.

What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred. No, no. I mean, nothing. I don't take bribes!

Look, Lisa! It's McGriff the Crime Dog. Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime.

Illegal gambling in my house? Your house? Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas. Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!

Your house? Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas

You were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unplugger of hairy clogs. I'm still all those things. Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric...and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.

I'm still all those things. Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric... and unplugging the clogs of our legal system

But what about the victims? Hardworking designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt or Antoine Bugle Boy? These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace...and said, 'Me too!'

Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! Years of buying pants for children and a full-seated husband...has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching...which these jeans have in spades.

Years of buying pants for children and a full-seated husband... has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching

Looking good, boys. That's it. There's too much corruption on this force. I quit.

What would Jebediah Springfield say? - He'd be cool with it.

Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property. It was an accident.

Sorry to repeat myself, but it'll help you remember.

I choose to take that literally. - Death to Shelbyville!

Honey, I was born in Shelbyville. - And it tears me up inside.

We don't have an outhouse. - My toolshed! Oh, Dad!

Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?

Who wants chocolate ice cream? - Me! Me! Me, me!

No, no, no, when I took your father's name... I took everything that came with it, including D.N.A.

Folks from a Hollywood where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story.

Here's your toast, Maggie. I melba-fied it myself.

It was no trouble. The hoboes at the dump were very helpful. Except one man, who seemed to have mental problems.

And don't put signs on your sister!

You did the right thing by telling me.

Squalid hellhole? Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion? Dogs mating on dining room table?

I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now. You mean Maggie? That's it.

Marge, you tested positive for crack and P.C.P. Oh, my! Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake.

The only thing I'm high on is love- love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need.

Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.

from eight to God only knows

You might say the extra ingredient is salt.

You don't win friends with salad.

It's tomato soup served ice cold.

It's just a little airborne. It's still good. It's still good. - It's gone. - I know.

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time? Sometimes.

And you kids should have jackets on.

Mmm. Sprinkles! Homer, stop looking! Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad.

I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds. But-

Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.

Here we go again. - Here we go again.

Bart, stop pestering Satan!

But we did win. - That's okay. The box is empty.

Young man, in this house we use a little word called 'please.'

Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Well, life is like a box of chocolates. Mom, no! Mom! You never know what you're gonna get.

What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?

Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs.

Oh, Bart. I can't believe you did this. I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

Homie, you want pork chops? - No, I want roast beef, you clod!

No, I will not pay you $500 for sex.

I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex.

Just last week, I asked him for $1,500. - For what? - Oh, I gotta get the third degree from you too?

Who knocked down the pins? - I don't know. You know, some guy. Otto, I guess.

Homer, watch your mouth! - I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.

Who you talking to, Homer? - The guy who doesn't live there.

Wait a minute. If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him- You didn't vote for anybody.

We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy.

Honey, I don't think these clothes are us. Who are they?

Can it be a real Chanel? It is! Ninety dollars? But it's marked down from 2,800.

Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago.

All right, I will buy it! It'll be good for the economy.

What about the symphony or the theater? What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson. I did marry Homer.

We ran with different crowds. You had your debutante balls and skinny-dipping... and I had my... home shoe-repair course.

Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. Oh, but Sipowicz does it.

If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that too? Oh, I wish I was Sipowicz.

That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs and status-seeking social climbers. I've told you, I don't like you using the word 'hotbed.'

Bart, no grifting. Aw, raspberries.

I get food through the mail, but in a different way. Every month, Good Housekeeping arrives in my mailbox bursting with recipes.

Sometimes the most satisfying meal is the one you cook yourself.

The rich are different from you and me. Yes! They're better!

Whee! Whee! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Lisa, please!

At times like this I guess all you can do is laugh.

At times like this I guess all you can do is laugh.

I need a formal dress for tonight! You've come to the right place. We've got classy duds up the ying-yang.

Oh, I give up. What time, and how burnt?

The outlet store. Wow! Two finds in one store. What are the odds? Call it fate. Let's go!

I like Bart.

Our savings? Don't worry. I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel. They have beer and gum, right?

Our savings? Don't worry. I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel. They have beer and gum, right?

I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member.

But you know, we realized we're more comfortable in a place like this.

The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house. - Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual? - No. It's a standard clause.

Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that.

"Ook, ook." Are you folks ready to go ape? - Mom? - A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.

Seven hundred dollars.

- Yes, dear, in your mind. - No, on the street. - On the street in your mind.

I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

they had a choice of living in Springfield or Stenchburg

It sure would be fun to carpool in one of those, huh, kids? I'd be a real hotrod mama, wouldn't I?

You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.

Mom, I just said that. - Sor-ry.

Next time, get your own darn corn.

Bart! Leave Simpson alone. - Simpson, I need a ride to the library.

That does it. One of them has to go. - Okay. Grandpa. - No, the B-U-M. - Oh.

So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence.

You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.

Well, technically everything worked out all right, but- But? Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem and neither was Lisa. There's something unsettling about that.

Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard- Oh, Homer! That's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish.

Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby or J.F.K.

Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma... and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.

Oh, honey, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.

I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.

Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.

if I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum... is peanut butter.

Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.

Bart's room. Bart's room. Bart's room. Dumpster.

You're one of the good ones.

If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.

Marge's enthusiastic 'Hey! Every day will be like a road trip! With your dad! To school!'

Marge's dismissive 'Music is none of my business'

A friend- or a companion... or- I don't know- a stuffed animal.

Nah. Maybe you're getting stronger. Well, I have been eating more.

Well, it's kind of funny. With all the craziness and confusion and meshuggaas of packing, I forgot to pack!

I work my butt off to feed you four kids / What? / Three. We have three kids, Homer. / Yeah. Three nosy kids.

Oh, you finish your fish heads, then we'll talk.

You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family? Of course not. I wouldn't do that. Why not?

Uh, let's watch something else. Homer, you're trying to talk us into moving to this place. Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Both] Hey!

Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.

I've been so bored since we moved here I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.

Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, explain to me why it isn't. [Sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge.

You love high-tech gadgets. No, I don't. Like bull you don't.

a suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol... must have some terrible emotional problems.

That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

Happy anniversary, baby! Have you lost your mind?

I can't remember where we parked. That's all right. We'll just wait till everyone else leaves.

What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day. I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside... watching the seventh game of the World Series. Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.

Just look at all this beautiful 'foilage.' - It's not 'foilage,' Mom. It's foliage. Foliage. - That's what I said- 'foilage.'

It doesn't take a 'nucular' scientist to pronounce 'foilage.'

Can't they get a pole for that sign? - That's a hitchhiker, Homer.

Ooh, let's pick him up. - No. What if he's crazy? - And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

Careful of the apple pie on the seat. - Uh-oh. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? - I sure hope so.

Marge, it's broad daylight, and there's cops everywhere. No excuses. Just do it.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you.

I've got rocks that need washing at home.

But this time it's not about that giant inflatable Dos Equis bottle.

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl. / You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough.

Why are you in your underwear? / Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

Hello, Marge. How's the family? I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business.

I don't care if the sink shoots sludge. We're having a party.

Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? / Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.

I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting- 'You are a coward.'

Homer, what are you doing? I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer do.

None! They'd have more sense than that!

It's nothing but panhandling. Tele-panhandling.

That's true, but he shouldn't say it.

Oh, there's so little left. 'Creamed Eels'? 'Corn Nog'? 'Wadded Beef.'

It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.

And a cement mixer full of hope and some cement.

Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco.

Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunk as a poet on payday.

Eight spices. Oh, some must be doubles.

I guess I know what a promise from Homer J. Simpson is worth.

Don't soul mate me!

And then I saw the lighthouse... and I remembered how you love blinking lights... like the one on the waffle iron. Or that little guy on the Don't Walk sign.

See, I thought we weren't soul mates because- We had a fight? Right. And we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus- And you're from Mars.

Our differences are only skin deep. But our 'sames' go right down to the bone.

Have you been drinking? - No! Well, 10 beers.

When I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo. - More sausage?

It's your birthday? - Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's.

Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse! Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up. And that just made things worse.

I don't believe you, Homer. - You do? Oh, Marge! You've made me so happy. - You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear. - Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.

Unless you're feeling amorous. [Growls] - No, I'm not. - Well, then, good night.

These shirts are 100% cotton. And look at the fine stitching on 'Dope.' - I'll take two.

You'll get your pancakes in the mail.

We're trying to, but you're blocking our way. Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets.

- Uh, what's tahini? - Flavor sauce. - And falafel? - Crunch patties.

Check for millipedes. [Groans]

'Copyright 1968'? Hmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

And here come the pretzels. Oh, no! Oh, don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them!

Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.

Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

Oh. You have to push in as you turn. - Ah. - Yeah, that's it.

Oh, I don't hate you for failing. I love you for trying.

Oh, it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep, honey.

There they are! Let me down here. Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top.

Did you say Mary Pop- No. I definitely did not.

Come on. Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy. That's Carl.

It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella.

Oh! Ooh- No, no. Leave it in.

An occasional hug is all I ask. / Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep. / I do. / [Screams]

I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department.

Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? / Yes, we can.

[Thinking] Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.

Mom! You can hug me when I'm asleep. - I do. - [Screams]

Mom, can we go to bed without dinner? Yes, we can.

[Thinking] Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.

They make me madder than a, um, yak in heat!

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy. And vice versa.

[Groans] Someone should really go up there and talk to him. [Groans] [Sighs] Homer! Ohh, all those stairs.

Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes. We're very proud of you, by the way. And, sure, he's probably so insane with rage... that he'd butcher you horribly if he could. But he's safely locked away. In a medium-security prison. For life! Unless he gets out somehow. Which is impossible! Or so you think. Except he's done it so many times before.

You can't ask God to kill someone! Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV. The important thing is I didn't imagine it.

I don't think we should be driving here. The mayor's yelling at us. Stop, you idiots! All right. All right. Geez!

Oh, I love this pedestrian mall. There's practically no traffic. - [Horn Honking] - [Gasping]

Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building. Help me.

Complete confidentiality? Oh? Well, I'm sure he's as good as Dr. Hibbert. It says so right in his ad.

All right!

Well, it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done.

[All] Go to your room, Lisa!

Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water

They were naked in the closet together. Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself!

If I want to comment on it, I'll comment on it. Who's gonna stop me? You, Pep Pill Boy? Pep Boys, pills, Beverly Sills

That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over. In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart?

Mom. Mom. You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane.

You found a candy bar? - Oh, yes. Gather around, my son, and I shall tell you a tale.

He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking.

Oh, well, this is, um, the, uh- the Listen Lady.

Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.

Just give him a day or two, and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self!

I wanna quit and come home. Oh, honey, I heard you the first time

if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs

I just think we should've paid the extra $1.50 and gotten a bus with restrooms

Hey. Marge, I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs! Homer! Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you.

Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you

No. No, Lisa. They're just sleeping... upside down and inside out

Hey there, meathead. What are you watchir? Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network.

And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family... I just wanna scream till my lungs explode. [Gasps] I'll go start dinner now.

Balzac. No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're chopping off her head.

Fine, then don't use it. / I won't. / Good. / I know it's good. / So do I. / I'm happy for you. / You should be.

All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.

Friends with mutants. Right! Now that's the Marge I married.

I think that's Bart! The pants are a dead giveaway.

Oh, well, he may be a horrible freak, but he's still my son. I'm sure we'll grow to accept him in time.

Nobody likes a tattletale, honey. They're like this every rainy day.

Ha! Then how come your laundry is always much whiter than mine?

His name is Homer.

It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.

Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting. Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! All done.

If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know. Watch the fish, Marge.

I recommend sealing off every door and window with bulletproof Lucite. Wouldn't we all suffocate? Well, I should hope not. Let's get that, the suffocation thing.

Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns? I thought Smithers did it. That would have made a lot more sense.

Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table. You said the breakfast table. It's the same table!

Mom, Mom. I stepped in a bear trap. Sounds like you need some... first aid.

Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had! He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.

You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize. Fun too.

Little guy's just got a mind of his own. - Mom, please! We're eating. - Well, at least I'm making conversation.

[Marge] Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking. So- [Screams]

Marge, I need a small favor. For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife? What?

Honey, I am in my home.

I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing... to disgrace his family and spit on his culture. Ah. Here I am.

You remember your father, Apu?

You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him. Oh, yeah.

Ach! Those morons make me so angry. Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons. But they are morons.

What the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 angel ashtrays? I could take up smoking. You damn well better.

Well, you might say we're going to the best steakhouse in the whole universe. So we're not going to Black Angus.

It's Wednesday, Homer. - [Screams] Work!

Open a window. - [Groans]

We could find the drug boat of our dreams! I don't want a drug boat. Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

You bought a car without consulting me? I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat. - I found this hat. - Then what are you complaining about? You got yours.

I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person. - [Tires Screeching] - Okay. Bye. Love ya.

So, you're married, and you're looking for your first house, Mr. and Mrs. - Superman. - Oh! Don't listen to my husband. He's just an idiot.

I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house. - Is that permitted? - Not in my damn house.

Well, this neighborhood is zoned R-3... which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys...

You didn't do anything. - I like being thanked.

A headset telephone? I thought those only existed in the movies.

Gee, that picture makes your butt look big. I thought so too, but they said it sells. Works for the Lumber King.

Why, isn't this kitchen horribly cramped? [Laughing] Why, yes, it is. Well, I suppose we could get used to it. Yeah, but you shouldn't have to settle.

Actually, this is our first time. And I didn't really care for it. Oh, well, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right house for you?

I'd say it's awfully cozy. - [Marge] That's dilapidated. - Rustic. - That house is on fire. - Motivated seller.

As a spineless, potato-cooking housewife who can't compete in the real world? [All] Mm-hmm. Well, I can too compete.

$300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook. Don't worry. Gets easier every week.

You know me, Marge. I crave the hustle and bustle.

Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart.

That old aluminium one was so fake. I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way.

Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200 dollars. But Mr. Trebek- I asked you before the game... if you knew the rules, and you said you did.

Besides, it's mine. Yoink!

Mmm. Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits?

Singing is the lowest form of communication. Homer, you sing all the time. No, I don't. I hate to rhyme.

The experts say that if you want an animal to do something... you should do it yourself first to show 'em how. I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.

[Rattles, Hisses] [Screams] - Aaah! - Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry.

- What are you doing inside? - Work was hard, so we quit.

But when I ask you to do yard work- Oh.

You had a quadruple bypass. You nearly died. Don't you remember?

- No offense. - None taken.

We just saw the most amazing camel. It was wearing a hat.

- Why did you shudder just now, Mom? - I don't know.

Aw, aren't you sweet? Hey, my pearls. - Spud taught me that.

- Well, if we did set fire to the house- - No fires!

- Homer, no! - Oh, you'll never make it, Dad.

Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo? You bought four of them. Thank God the check bounced. So I beat the system.

You what? Come again, Marge? You what? I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you. We what?

When we got married, you promised me my harvesting days were over.

Homer... you know I always try to put the best face on everything... but there's no face on that damn bean!

I'll kidnap him for 50... deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. Just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killing for free.

I'll kidnap him for 50, deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500. No, no, no. Just the first two. All right. I'll throw in the killing for free.

Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here. Would you shut up, woman. He's talking about my leader.

That's my husband! He's our husband now.

It's wonderful to think for ourselves again. You said it, Sister.

How about CompuGlobalHyperMeganet?

CompuGlobalHyperMeganet. Junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

Don't let the haircut fool you. I'm exceedingly wealthy. Get a load of the bowl job, Marge.

There's that bird you like to argue with. / Well, well, well, if it isn't Professor Know-it-all.

Perfect, you'll grow into them. / When? / Oh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.

Here's $42. That's everything I have. / Run home and bury it in the yard. / I love you, Mom.

Oh, knock it off, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car. / You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

Homer, I insist you steal that car.

Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house.

Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead. I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want.

I burned the roast. My cake fell. And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM.

Simpson gene? That's just foolishness! No. Baldness too.

And the floor was donated by American SuperBall.

You poor little boy! - Ah, no. He'll be fine. He's always getting himself stuffed into this or that.

You would know. - Bart, you don't have to go anywhere today. I've got a surprise for you. - What? - I scheduled a playdate.

The social order of elementary school is densely layered. The coolest kids are at the top- - Oh, you mean the 'A' students?

I can't hear you! [Humming]

But people will see me paired up with a doofus. You have no idea what that's like.

We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war... is as simple as turning off a light. [Clapping] / We don't have a Clapper.

I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power! / Homer! / But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

They want you to spy on your friends? Not spy, squeal. I've got no choice.

There you go, ratboy! Does this make me look fat? No. It makes you look like a tool of government oppression. But not fat?

All your hard work and grade-grubbing have finally paid off.

That 'Mom' stuff doesn't work on me.

Monkey. There's a monkey in the house. - Relax. It's only Mojo.

Honey, I'd love to reassure you... but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.

The monkey's on my part of the sofa. - Honey, he's clearly marked his territory.

His cholesterol's through the roof.

Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day

They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie

Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine. That's awful! I almost wish it were drugs

Mom, a man just died. [Groans] Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

What? They had a picnic last week. No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

Oh, Marge. How could you let me let myself go like this? Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee.

Okay, honey. Okay. I'll start taking in all your slacks.

Homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth. Food. I mean food.

[Gulps] Hmm. [Beeping] [Line Rings] Hospital, please.

Where in the world did you find a sled on top of the- [Screams]

You can get a picture of your mommy with a mummy. [Giggling]

Whoops! There goes Carlsbad Caverns. Oh, well.

In just 20 minutes we'll be in a three-hour line to see the Orb of Isis.

In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician.

At least, it would be for most families.

In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take a bus.

See, Bart? There's another boy who played with glue. Actually, it was a plumbing explosion.

You mean Frank Grimes? - Yeah, him. Whatever happened to that guy?

Hey, Marge, wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? - Wee little parties?

you know, 'rock the casbah.' - Yeah, it seems like the thing to do.

So, are you gonna- Oh. Did you want me to? Oh, no. No, I'm the guy.

Extended awkward intimacy sequence with interruptions and apologies

Look who's here! - Ooh, who's a good boy? - He's the best boy!

Hey, Marge, wasn't that great when the dog came in here? - Oh, yeah! He's really special!

Hmm, that's queer. [Groans] - Homer, don't look! - What? Aaah! The food!

Hey! Look at that! [Gasps] Oh, good Lord! - [Gasps] - [Screams] I'm so sorry. I saw everything.

The fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.

Yeah. I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! - Yeah.

We're trapped! - Oh, why can't they just play through?

Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day.

You mean this thing? - [Screams] No, that was not the thing. [Groans]

Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now... achieving financial independence. - With cans of grease? - No! Through savings and wise investments. Of course with grease!

Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you. [Laughing] Oh, yeah. Good one, Mom.

You could raise some emus. Emus? Really? Oh, that's pretty crazy. Nah.

Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right.

Oh, honey. A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance... unless it was especially skilled. Or one of those super-babies from Brazil.

And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow... why, you could be the belle of the ball. Mom, you can't possibly believe that.

Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag? No, I don't deserve sugar.

Promise me you won't vote for Lenny. Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.

You're 39. [Homer yelps]

He was a shameless self-promoter. Well, you're not Thomas Edison.

You said I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you'd torch the house. That doesn't sound like me.

Homer, that's not a table. That's our dryer. [Homer shrieks] My files!

I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em. - Okay. We own 'em

I guess because there's so much dolphin in it... and you know how smart they are.

I'll buy 10 of those right now.

Homer, you've got it set on 'whore.'

Now I have to go get my cold cream gun

I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular... inventions are awful... and no one in their right mind would buy them or accept them as gifts.

Oh, yeah. Safety sells, especially to lame-o's. I'd buy one. Me too.

Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over. - Yeah, Lise. She is a smart, sophisticated woman.

Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone. - But, Mom- - Yes? - That's all I got.

Ohh! I hate folding sheets. - That's your underwear. - Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. - All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

All right! Finally, a real home! - Not you. Bart.

What are those cats doing behind you? - [Yowling Continues] Uh, cats like me?

What's the point, Bart? I punish and I punish and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine. Have fun killing things.

What do you think he's doing up there? - I don't know. Drug lab? - Drug lab? - Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.

I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out.

Hmm. It's starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie. - Ooh, how about cherry this time? - And would it kill you to make some coffee?

Actually, it took 53 hours. - Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?

Out of the way, Midge. - Oh, am I in the way? - Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? - Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. - You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all.

Don't use that look on me. I invented that look.

Oh, please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.

Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons... I'd be a pretty lousy mother.

Here comes the flying saucer. What's wrong with Stinky? She's teething. Look. Her very first baby tooth.

Oh, that's your cure for everything.

I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.

Really? That seemed awfully quick. What are you implying? Nothing. Nothing.

Homer, when did you become a member of PETA? - Well, you know me. I love animals- Beef, chicken, veal.

If you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem. - That's not what PETA stand-

I'm about ready to ankle this family. - Ankle? Focaccia? What are you talking about?

Fat Guy Number Three?

It's that pair of Dockers you wanted. 48 waist with the balloon seat, right?

No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you

I feel guilty coming here every Sunday and never actually buying anything / Why? We're following the rules. If it has a toothpick in it, it's free

Oven-roasted cud. It's packed in its own drool.

I'm afraid I can't allow that. / Lisa! / Mom! No, wait. We can make a deal

Oh, you shouldn't be watching The Learning Channel. You need to take it easy. / But I'm hardly learning at all

Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze

But I- I might infect the other kids. / That's a risk I'm willing to take

But, Marge, look at this little guy / [Growling, Hissing] / Looks like an ordinary- Ow! Son of a-

Pardon me for asking... but where the hell's my stupid lobster? / We're not eating Mr. Pinchy. He's part of the family now

It just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary

Three cheers for your father. Hip, hip- Mom, don't. Hip, hip- We heard you the first time. Hip, hip- Hey, I'm trying to drive here.

Three minutes! [Whistles] I never realized history was so filthy.

Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello... and finally the old mission. Oh, thank heaven! Lots of prostitutes in there.

Oh, that's cute! Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.

Homer! But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick.

Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? Oh, anything, sweetheart. Blow up the hospital.

But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? / Oh, anything, sweetheart. / Blow up the hospital.

Hmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to. That's my girl.

Hmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to. / That's my girl.

Forget Maggie. She's gone / I've got Maggie

Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? Homer!

All right! Here comes the implosion. 'Implosion'? But I thought you said- [Crowd Clamoring]

You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.

What kind of music do they play? Crap-Rock? No. Wuss-Rock? That's it.

That's right. Like my mother always said... you've gotta stick it out, even if you picked a loser. Hmm. To the bitter end.

Mom, am I dying? No, of course not. Is he, Mom? You can tell me. No!

So who won? The losers? No, they lost. [Chuckles] Losers.

Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves?

Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent. [Both Laughing] That was cold-blooded, Marge. Yeah.

When was the last time you played Citizenship? Energy Shortage? Hippo in the House? Ooh, the Game of Lent!

Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.

Tom Shales says the writing 'snaps, crackles and pops.'

Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Oh, Homer. I have a problem.

You really should've voted, Homer. [Scoffs] It wouldn't have made a difference.

Doughy's has terrible pizza. - Yeah, but there's two!

My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.

It's so rigid and uncreative. - Okay.

Oh, leather craft. - Oh, those poor, helpless cows!

What about clay? You got any problem with clay?

Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.

So, is he alive or not?

Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet? That's not really you, Dad. Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.

like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.

The Debbie Pinson, who was the homecoming queen in high school? Yes, I'm still available. No, he's not!

Let's get out of here. Forget the baby's medicine! But her forehead's on fire! Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home.

The house number is spelled out with letters. Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

I feel like Cinderella. Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song. Eh, maybe later.

Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name. To what? Chesty LaRue.

If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St. Clair. Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.

All right. I'll get you the materials. - But you're building it! - Okay. Oh, I'll make the whole thing!

I didn't turn it on yet. [Gurgling Continues] Oh.! I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!

Well, let us just say we both feel bad. - Deal.

[Snickers] Oh, yeah. Homer's a real go-getter.

Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard.

Either put that book down, or let me drive!

I'd love to look at 'Scullery Week' if you're through with it.

This is about investment opportunities in Yemen. - Give me that!

'Successful mayor type seeks open-minded discreet cheerleader type.'

The only ad you took out was to sell our lawn mower.

Well, sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.

Oh! Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.

It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it?

Blobbie? Upsilon?

Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.

Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses.

No. As soon as I get over, that lane will stop moving. Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees.

Good Lord! How am I supposed to get in this beast?

Well, that's a nice feature.

No one has ever asked me that before in my life.

Hmm. I thought it was Sandy Duncan.

Of course not.

Out of my way, nature!

S.U.V. coming through. Open up for Marge. Thank you.

Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living!

Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking!

And that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me.

What would Curtis E. Bear do?

One, two... three, 'B'!

Well, I was watching Dateline... and Stone Phillips said S.U.V.'s always roll over when you turn sharply... and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.

I thought I'd never have to say that again.

Somebody wants Mommy to change baby's diaper! Is that somebody you, Homer?

But if anybody asks, you hit him.

You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you.

You didn't need to knock the food on the floor. - Didn't I?

How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak.

No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread!

That didn't sound like you meant it. - Oh, all right. Good-bye, sweetheart. Have a nice trip. - That's more like it.

We're buying a new doorbell? - A musical doorbell.

So many doorbells. I'm in way over my head.