The Front

Homer:D'oh!

Krusty:What? A Jewish holiday? Oy vey! Look, I'm a clown, not a rabbi! I don't do the whole 'roots' thing. Too depressing! Besides, my roots are in show business, baby — sequins and pratfalls, not matzah and guilt!

Krusty:Ix-nay on the Ew-Jay!

Marge:You know, Krusty, being Jewish is nothing to be ashamed of.

Marge:Homer, you're covered in mud.

Homer:Yeah, Marge. Yeah.

Lisa:This is nothing more than mindless drivel designed to exploit our basest instincts for schadenfreude and slapstick humor. The animation is pedestrian, the writing is lazy, and the violence, while admittedly cathartic, serves no greater artistic or social purpose whatsoever.

Lisa:This cartoon is so poorly written. The jokes are lazy, the characters are one-dimensional, and the plots are recycled from shows that were already bad.

Bart:Yeah, but maybe next week will be better!

Krusty:What the f— fudge! Fudge, yeah, fudge is great!

Lisa:This cartoon is racist.

Homer:So? All the old ones were!

Homer:Writers? Sort of.

Lisa:Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bart:Probably not.

Lisa:I wonder what Bart is thinking about.

Bart:Wow, a goofy gorilla doing the cha-cha.

Marge:Bills, bills, bills... oh my, a final notice. Dear valued customer, if you do not pay immediately, some guys are coming.

Marge:Another one: Your account is severely overdue. We're not kidding around anymore. Some guys are coming.

Marge:Oh no, this one just says: Some guys are coming.

Homer:Hey, look at this! I got an invitation to my high school reunion!

Marge:That's nice, Homer. What about me?

Homer:What about you?

Marge:Did I get one?

Homer:Hmm, I don't know. Did you go to Springfield High?

Homer:I have a confession to make. Something I've kept hidden for years. Something that could destroy everything.

Homer:I... I'm not actually sure if I've ever been to Capital City.

Homer:I have a terrible secret. Something I've never told anyone.

Homer:I... I eat soap.

Homer:Wait, that's not the secret I was worried about!

Marge:Homer, what other secret could there possibly be?

Homer:Well... there's the thing with the donuts...

Marge:I watch my stories so much, I haven't done laundry in three weeks.

Reverend Lovejoy:And I've been embezzling from the church collection plate.

Marge:Well, if you had graduated high school, you'd know there's a product called soap that could help with that.

Homer:Hey, I don't need no fancy book learning. I'm a nuclear technician!

Marge:Homer, you didn't even graduate high school.

Homer:Ixnay on the educationay, Marge-ay!

Homer:Omersay the Igpay atinlay!

Marge:Homer, that's not pig latin.

Homer:Well, I failed Latin in high school.

Bart:The rest writes itself.

Lisa:We could alphabetize our names. Simpson-Lisa versus Lisa-Simpson.

Bart:Or we could just flip a coin like normal people.

Lisa:A coin flip? Bart, that leaves the decision entirely to chance! We need a systematic approach.

Homer:I got it! We hire a neutral third party to evaluate both names based on phonetic compatibility, historical significance, and potential future monogramming!

Marge:Homer, it's just which name goes first.

Homer:Shh! I'm not done. Then we need a focus group, some pie charts, and a strongly worded letter to the name council.

Bart:Why don't we just use a map?

Lisa:I know what Bart's thinking. He thinks he can outsmart me with some crude prank.

Bart:Ha! Lisa probably thinks she's gonna use some nerdy logic to stop me.

Lisa:But I've already anticipated his every move.

Bart:Well, I've got a countermeasure for whatever she throws at me.

Narrator:Neither of them had anticipated anything.

Roger Meyers Jr.:This script is like a three-week-old tuna sandwich left in the sun. It's brown, it's mushy, it's covered in flies, and nobody wants to go near it.

Roger Meyers Jr.:Harvard? That's where I got my degree in Cartoon Phrenology!

Harvard Writer:At least I went to Harvard!

Other Character:Oh yeah? Well, Yale is better!

Harvard Writer:Yale? That's just Harvard's safety school.

Bart:Well, he's old, he's got no friends, and he's always getting scammed. Perfect fake writer material.

Grampa:My first name? Let me check my underwear.

Grampa:It says... Seymour.

Grampa:How did my underwear get up here? I'm fully dressed!

Bart:Uh, Grampa, that doesn't make any sense.

Grampa:I know! Even I can't explain it!

Grampa Simpson:Oh, you mean the Iggy? Sure, I wrote that!

Homer:Yeah, I'm going to my high school reunion. Should be great seeing all my old classmates - Richie Cunningham, Fonzie, Joanie Cunningham...

Marge:That's not how Happy Days went.

Homer:Well, in my version, Tom Bosley played my father.

Marge:His 'comedy' is just Nixon impressions

Principal Dondelinger:Homer! Great to see you! How have you been?

Homer:Oh, you know, same old same old.

Principal Dondelinger:Say, do you have a dollar? I'm trying to raise money for the homeless shelter.

Homer:I AM homeless... well, between jobs.

Principal Dondelinger:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Here, take five dollars!

Artie Ziff:Marge! Still looking great! You know, I've made millions since high school. Private jets, mansions, the works. You must be so jealous!

Marge:Artie, I'm married to Homer. I think I'm doing fine.

Homer:I would trade my life for sex with my own wife.

Reunion Attendee 1:Hey, remember Cheech and Chong?

Reunion Attendee 2:Yeah, they were hilarious!

Reunion Attendee 1:Well, you see, they were a comedy duo from the '70s who were known for their counterculture humor and—

Reunion Attendee 2:Okay, okay, it's not funny anymore.

Homer:I invented a fourth morning meal. It's called brunch-fast.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm the only person ever to win the Duff Beer Belly Contest three years in a row!

Homer:And I'm proud to say I haven't improved one bit!

Homer:In fact, I'm worse than ever. Woo-hoo!

Howard Cosell Impersonator:And thus we witness the nadir of human dignity, a man brought low by his own inadequacies.

J.J. Walker Impersonator:Dy-no-MITE! ...said no one about this guy. Whoa!

Homer:Barney, what are you doing at a formal event in that tuxedo?

Barney:Well, I rented it, but I couldn't afford the cleaning deposit, so I've been using it as my regular clothes for three weeks.

Homer:That's disgusting!

Barney:Yeah, but look on the bright side — the stains really bring out the formal wear.

Grampa:A writer? Me? Well, I suppose I do have a lot of stories to tell. Back in my day, we didn't have computers or fancy typewriters. We just carved our tales into tree bark with sharpened rocks!

Grampa:Of course, I'm 81 years old now. My fingers are all gnarled and arthritic. It would take me three weeks just to write my name. And the paper costs money! Do you know how much a ream of paper costs these days? Highway robbery!

Grampa:Besides, who's gonna pay me for my writing? I'm just an old man with no teeth and a pension that barely covers my prune juice. The only thing I'm wealthy in is my memories, and those are fading faster than my eyesight.

Roger Meyers Jr.:Your life experience is invaluable, Simpson. Tell us, what's the secret to your longevity?

Grampa:Well, I wake up, I eat some oatmeal, I watch my stories, I take a nap, I have some more oatmeal, I watch the news, and then I go to bed.

Roger Meyers Jr.:Fascinating! Truly a life well-lived.

Lisa:Lisa's touching speech about unconditional love

Homer:Homer's confession

Bart:Bart's laughter at Homer's confession gets him choked

Grampa Simpson:I had an important job. I was in charge of a team of highly trained animals.

Grampa Simpson:All I did was yell at 'em.

Homer:If Grampa starts babbling, just nod and smile. If he falls asleep, help yourself to his wallet. If he wakes up angry, run.

Grampa:I was having the most wonderful dream. I was a beautiful woman in a sequined cowboy outfit, riding a mechanical bull at the Gilley Club in Pasadena.

Roger Meyers Jr.:We're implementing some new cost-cutting measures. From now on, we'll be using the same backgrounds over and over again.

Roger Meyers Jr.:We'll also be reusing animation cells, limiting character movement, and having characters stand still while their mouths move.

Roger Meyers Jr.:Why, we might even have them walk in place for entire scenes!

Teacher:My wife left me last week. I'm going through a really difficult time right now.

Student:Is this going to be on the test?

Teacher (Ms. Krabappel):Class, today we're going to conduct a very important scientific experiment.

Bart Simpson:Is it gonna involve donuts?

Teacher (Ms. Krabappel):No, Bart, it's going to involve... why is there a donut on fire?

Bart Simpson:That's my experiment! I'm testing the combustibility of pastries!

Teacher (Ms. Krabappel):Well... I suppose that is a legitimate scientific inquiry. Class, observe the oxidation reaction on the pastry surface.

Grampa Simpson:What do you mean, 'delightful coconut'?

Roger Meyers Jr.:Your head, sir. It's a delightful coconut.

Homer:Brain, I need you to think for my test.

Brain (Homer's internal voice):No.

Homer:Please, brain. I'll give you anything you want.

Brain (Homer's internal voice):Anything?

Homer:Anything. Well, except beer. That's non-negotiable.

Brain (Homer's internal voice):You know what? Forget it. I'm out.

Homer:Fine! Then I'll destroy you with alcohol!

Homer's Brain:Okay Homer, I'll make you a deal. You stop drinking beer, and I'll make sure you pass the driving test.

Homer:D'oh! You drive a hard bargain, brain.

Homer's Brain:Actually, I'm quite eager to accept this arrangement.

Krusty:Hey, hey! What's the difference between me and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off!

Audience:[silence]

Krusty:What? Nothing? Ah, forget it. And for the record, my hair is ORANGE, not red!

Grampa:I'm crossing my fingers for luck.

Grampa:Oh, that's the sound of them breaking. Well, I guess I won't be typing for a while.

Grampa Simpson:I'd like to thank the academy for this award. Now, I haven't actually watched the show, but from what I hear, it's an abomination that corrupts our youth with its crude humor and anti-family values. Disgusting!

Bart:I'm done with awards shows. They're all fake and stupid.

Homer:Even if Bette Midler is hosting?

Bart:Well... okay, Bette Midler can host whatever she wants.

Homer:I got my diploma right here. I'm a man of letters.

Principal Dondelinger:Homer, you have a plunger on your head.

Homer:D'oh!

Principal Dondelinger:Homer, why do you have a plunger stuck on your head?

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Wait, we're skipping church?

Homer:It's Saturday, Marge.

Ned:Well, I'd never skip the Lord's day, but if it is Saturday, then praise be!