Bart gets expelled from school and transfers to a Catholic school, where a hip priest named Father Sean tries to convert Bart and Homer to Catholicism, which worries Marge when she believes that Catholics do not go to the same heaven as Protestants and discovers that Catholic women do not use birth control.
WAR
94.1
Wins Above Replacement
“The Father The Son And The Holy Guest St” ranks #1 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 93.2 — Elite. The episode packs 67 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Lisa: It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!
Lisa Observational Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Bart: Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up.
Bart Character Comedy Absurdist Father Sean: Sean, you wanker... he says... repent of your wicked ways, or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight.
Homer: I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: With all the sitting and standing and kneeling, it's like Simon Says without a winner!
Homer Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 67 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Student: Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings?
Student Observational Character Comedy Martin: I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand VII, Sire de Coucy!
Martin Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Nelson · Teacher: Tralloo Trallay! Not so fast, Nelson. You're one of King Martin's guards.
Nelson: You'll pay for this...! ...my liege.
Teacher · Bart: Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper. What kind of a knight is that? It's the kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight.
Bart: Ay, caramba. Well, this stinks. But I bet Lisa got something even stupider.
Bart Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm Students: All hail the queen!
Lisa · Teacher: The ones made from potatoes? The very same.
Student: My coat of arms is a Spider-Man couchant on a field vert.
Nelson: You mean like you? Now, what's 'vert' mean? Say it means punching.
Nelson Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Willie: My face! What drunken call girl will have me now?
Willie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Teacher: Now, peasants, since the Middle Ages had no compact discs or Super Mario Men,
Willie: Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! Pelt all you want, but revenge will be Willie's.
Willie Character Comedy Escalation Willie: That was a stapler!
Willie Physical/Slapstick Escalation Student: Dragon in the dungeon Maiden in my lair / There's potions in my wizard's pot / Now drink it if you dare. Lute solo!
Lisa · Guards: Where is the tower? It's the back seat of my Merkur. There's 37 cents in the coin caddy and stay out of my diary!
Willie: Soon we'll have revenge on those who mocked me. Also on those who were kind to me. And on the parents who took time from their busy schedules to make today such a success.
Willie Escalation Character Comedy Willie: Scurry, me beasties... nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks!
Willie Absurdist Dark/Subversive Student: Milhouse!, don't open your mouth!
Student Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Bart: Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do, which I did.
Bart Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Homer: Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's my thing!
Marge: Now we have to find another school for you. And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire.
Marge Observational Dark/Subversive Homer: Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
Homer Observational Wordplay/Pun Homer: Think of the leg up you'd have!
Homer Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun Homer: If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grandpa that new pacemaker?
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Grandpa · Homer: I need two AA batteries. Now! Get 'em from the smoke detector. What if there's a fire? The smoke will wake us up.
Homer: There, you don't just get bad grades-- you go to hell!
Homer Observational Escalation Grandpa Physical/Slapstick Callback Callback Homer Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Bart: Ay caramba, do the Bartman, etcetera, etcetera.
Bart Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Nun · Bart: Thanks for the history lesson, sis. These days we use a yardstick!
Bart · Nun: A yard's 36! Now you tell me.
Bart Nun Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Bart: Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up.
Bart Character Comedy Absurdist Bart: I'm the real Jesus here!
Bart Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Father Sean: Sean, you wanker... he says... repent of your wicked ways, or sod off. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight.
Bart: Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps? Reeboks? Human eyes?
Bart Escalation Character Comedy Nun: Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time. If each swear word brings a thousand years in Hell...
Nun Observational Absurdist St. Sebastian: I wish I'd gone to more orgies!
Homer: With all the sitting and standing and kneeling, it's like Simon Says without a winner!
Homer Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: No meat?! What do they eat, light bulbs?
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Bart · Homer: That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch. Mickey Mouse's dog? No, Plutarch. He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors.
Homer: I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: You've transformed breakfast into dinner. It's a miracle!
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. Bingo. That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Homer: I masturbated eight billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Homer: In your face, Lord!
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: Right... and how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?
Homer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Marge: And you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something.
Marge Character Comedy Observational Marge · Homer: Well, I'm not having another 12 kids. Marge, no one is saying 12. Nine, ten, tops.
Ned: Under the weather? Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat?
Ned Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Reverend Lovejoy: The Romans have been separate from us since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573. And that was about our holy right to come to church with wet hair.
Protestant Heaven residents · Marge: Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. Well, then, I'd like to speak with Jesus. I'm afraid he's gone native.
Parishioners: Her husband's sleeping with her sister. Who said that?!
Bart: He cheated. He's got it written on his arm!
Bart Character Comedy Visual Gag Bart: Sorry, Mom, but this is a Catholic church. Chicks don't have any authority here.
Bart Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Marge: Back off, Popey LePew!
Marge Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Bart: I thought there was a monster in the potty.
Bart Character Comedy Callback Callback Jewish Bart: Don't have a cow, man / Have a piece of fish, oy!
Reverend Lovejoy: the Western branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism.
Homer: We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby!
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Marge: How do you like those croutons!
Marge Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Father Sean: Well, except for... you know.
Bart: Mom, a religion isn't cool just because they've glommed on to some crappy rock band from the 1940s.
Bart Observational Character Comedy Lisa: It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!
Lisa Observational Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Father Sean: Monogamous gays and stem cells?
Top Episodes — The Simpsons
