Homer

Ooh! Careful, Homer! There's no time. We're late.

Ooh, it's Lisa! That's ours.

How many grades does this school have?

Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?

Sorry. I'm just a big kid. And I love Christmas so much.

D'oh!

Oh, Lisa, you've asked for that for the last three years, and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint?

Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your allowance. All right!

What do you think, kids? Nice try, Dad.

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Oh! Oh, neato! It's too bright. I oughta-- Flanders. What a big show-off.

Turn around. you can look now. Ooh! Big jar this year.

Oh, thank God for the big jar.

The jar is empty! Oh, my God! We're ruined. Christmas is canceled. No presents for anyone!

Oh, yeah. My Christmas bonus. How silly of me. This'll be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had.

I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet... and a credit card that won't set off that horrible beeping.

Pantyhose. Practical and alluring. A six-pack. Oh! Only 4.99. Ooh! Pads of paper. I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these.

A little squeak toy. It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine? Well, let's see. Oh, this one's mine. This one's mine. This one's mine, and this-- They're all yours!

Hey, you dropped your pork chop. Gimme that!

What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there, sucking on a beer all day long. So? So, it's Christmas.

I got me a part-timejob working as a Santa down at the mall. Wow! Can I do that?

Do you like children? What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts? Uh, I certainly do.

Um, Dasher. Dancer. Mm-hmm. Prancer. Mm-hmm. Nixon. Comet and... Cupid. Donna Dixon?

You're not really Santa, tubby. Why, you little egghead!

Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. How was your trip? Fine. you both look well. Thank you. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. It's Christmas?

you wouldn't know it around here. And why is that? For one thing, there's no tree I was just on my way out to get one!

So what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn't it? Why is there a birdhouse in it? Uh, that's an ornament.

Hey, I couldn't afford lunch. Give me a bite of that donut.

I hope you feel better, Santa. Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus' sisters get outta town.

What's your name, Bart... ner? Uh, little partner? I'm Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm jolly Old St. Nick.

I didn't know it was you. Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year. But to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything.

Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club.

Thirteen bucks? you can't get anything for 13 bucks. Allright! Thirteen bigones! Springfield Downs, here I come!

I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid... to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.

Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

Bart, did you hear that? What a name! Santa's Little Helper! It's a sign! It's an omen! It's a coincidence, Dad.

Wow! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas!

Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.

But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's-- A Simpson.

I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for eveybody, but no matter what I did--

Like a light bulb! Bart! Like Shnozzola! Lisa! Like strippoker! I'm warning you two!

Like Attila the Hu-- You little--

As in,'This game is stup-id.' - Hey, shut up, boy.

We got one? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up.

Hey, look at this. 'I am a wiener.' He sure is.

Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Bart? This lunkhead? Impossible.

912! - Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216.

It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.

Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

you may outsmart someone.

Os-os. - What? - That's backwards for so-so.

But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?

Geez. No beer. No opera dogs.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Is that one fat enough for you, son?

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb.

I'm trying to get the unfortunate noises out of my system while I can.

That's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word 'bonehead.'

And this must be, uh, Brat. / Bart. / Don't correct the man, Brat.

No, just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.

D-oh! Be normal. Be normal!

Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans? - Bart!

Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? / You're right. There. [points at kids]

You remember the rules? / Shut my mouth, and let your boss win.

Marge, knock it off. - Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid. / Bart, please? Five bucks for a kiss.

Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions. Did you see them at the picnic? Of course you did. You're everywhere. You're 'omnivorous.'

O Lord, why did you smite me with this family?

Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Look at that, kids. No fighting. No yelling. No belching. / The dad has his shirt on.

These people are obviously freaks. / Oh, you think so?

What are they doing? - They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each other.

Whoa, look at this place. What a dump! / It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. / Homer, this is our house.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment.'

And God bless her soul, she was really on to something.

You can't talk that way about my kids! Or at least two of them. / Why, you got two I haven't met?

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

The fat guy on TV? / You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling? / Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in some place?

Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? / Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here!

Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here!

We would if we had one. / Lisa!

Now, Doctor, that's not true. / Ogre is such a strong word.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point? / They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.

Just testing. - Why, you-- No, Homer, not yet.

How could you shock your little sister? - My finger slipped. - So did mine.

Wait a minute, Doc, your TV commercial said, 'family bliss or double our money back.'

Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones... and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

Do I smell cupcakes? - Ooh! Do I ever! -Uh-uh, Homer.

Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little

It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and hmm-- Oh, brother.

Doh!

Who wants a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again?

Hey, look. They got food at this thing

I'm gonna miss you, big guy

I'm gonna miss you, big guy.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge. The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own

That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations

Remember the family jewels, son.

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.

Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Doh!

Must you do this every time?

Oh, sure, I would, princess. I have feelings too, you know, like, 'My stomach hurts.' Or 'I'm going crazy!'

Come on, Lisa. Ride the Homer horsey! Giddyap. Whee!

Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

Oh, no! Come on! Don't let the-- Aaah! Oh, no, not again.

Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that I... couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place! / Sorry, Mom. / And you! A man of your age. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Marge, how could you? I was so close. / I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.

My game, my game! I could have beat the boy.

Just be happy with what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flanders'.

I get your mail once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.

Oh, it's simple, Simpson. Credit. / Ooh, credit!

Hmm! Mmm! Oh! Ah! Thank you, God.

I want you to know I like your face. You do? I really do. I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there.

You're not Roman, are you? / No! / Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus?

Is that a good siren? Am I approved? / You ever known a siren to be good? / No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren.

You gotta be kidding me. / What'd you say? / Uh, is it used?

'Cause I'm gonna give you a price for you. Someone else, I'm doublin' this. I swear it, Bob.

Jealous. Everybody ready?

I hate this. I don't wanna go. / That's the spirit. Ready or not, nature, here we come!

What are you doing back there? / We're playing,'What's that odor?' Dad's feet? / Bart! / You win, Bart. / Lisa!

Homer, I'm telling you. This is not the interstate. / Maps.

Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle.

My feet are getting wet! / Oh, come on. We're getting back to nature.

Okay, nobody move, and nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One--

Why, I bet there are people who would trade everything they have in the world for this. / You mean, like we just did?

Now don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems. And you're forgetting. I'm an experienced woodsman.

What am I gonna do? I've murdered us all! I've murdered us all! I've murdered us all!

Shut up! / Shut up! Shut up! / D-oh! / D-oh! D-oh!

There. Finished. / You are? / Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. / It is?

That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone. / It's a deal. / And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it. / Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of. / Right. / A rattler! / I'm not afraid! / Run, you fool!

When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural, like a third sense.

His lucky red hat. Oh, dear God! No! Bart! Bart!

Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart, my beautiful son! Why couldn't You have taken me? of all the fates on heaven and earth, why did this one befall me?

What the-- D-oh! You're alive! And buck naked. / I'm not the only one, Home boy. / What? Oh!

What are we gonna do, hang ourselves? / No! This is a trap. It's gonna catch us our dinner. Come on, boy.

A-ha! Got him!

This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. And when he comes out, you step on him.

Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!

G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad. / G-G-Good n-n-night, son.

Are we there yet? / No! / Are we ever gonna be there? / How would I know? Quit asking pointless--

Honey. Honey! / We're saved! / Uh, Homer. Bees?

How is it? / Tangy.

What do we do, Dad? / Praise the grizzlies, son. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. / That's a good grizzly.

What the hell are you talking about, sir?

Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.

Could I have some applesauce?

Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this.

This specimen is either a below-average human being... or... a brilliant beast. / Stupid egghead.

I pulled a few boners

I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob

We'll die together, like a father and son should

About 23 minutes and 5 seconds

D'oh!

This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead-pipe cinch

Laza who?

It's... good to see you all in church

He didn't say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?

Share the wealth. That's what I always say

Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks?

The Stealth Bowler: The pins don't know what hit them

Being popular is the most important thing in the world

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center

The Hammer of Thor: It will send your pins to Val-halla

Most lynch mobs aren't this nice

My birthday? It's my birthday? - No!

But it's a surprise. You know, it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll take a little stroll around the block.

Too salty. Um... nah. Hmm? Nah, too corny. Too exciting.

And the kids. - Fair enough. - And my sisters. - Doh!

I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store.

You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it! - So you'd know it was from me!

What? But you don't know how to bowl. Oops.

Hot pizza-- the food of kings.

Does the time always drag like this?

All right! We're clean!

Dad, you didn't even say 'ouch.' - Oh, sorry. Ouch.

You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse. - Hmm. Good advice.

I don't know how you do it. Youjust got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel.

How can I eat it? She made it. It's all I have left.

Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

Homer brags that a girl in Valve Maintenance 'has the hots for yours truly' while talking to his wife

Just keeping you on your toes, babe.

Two hundred and thirty nine pounds! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty?

Aw, baloney. Yeah, right.

I'm a whale. Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats?

No, no, Marge. It's gonna be very classy. A tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

Uh-oh, it's the 'fe-mailman.'

Where am I, the planet Cornball?

Wait till I show the guys at work this little doozy.

Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

D'oh! That purple fruit thing.

Well, a 'do dee do dee do' to you too, pint size.

Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it.

Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it.

What, this one? D'oh!

The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.

The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.

Well, I wine them, I... dine them, bring them flowers, write them love poetry, sir.

Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton.

Yes, I do. Because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.

Bart! I said look at the floor.

Well, not our nephews.

Homer gets stuck under a toy that keeps repeating 'I like to play with you' while his back is injured

Make sure it's squished flat and crunchy on the outside... And maybe some of those little wieners that come in a can?

Hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.

Hear him out, Marge.

Sounds great. Although, a kid can't learn much in just three months.

Yeah, but what about Bart?

You mean all white with pink eyes?

He makes me crazy 12 months a year. At least you get the summer off.

Yes, baby! Way to go!

Don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

You gotta be kiddin'. The lek.

Political what?

Affectionate little Albanian, isn't he?

Maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.

And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her.

Aw! You called me Dad.

None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work.

See these? American doughnuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?

Hey, Lenny. Does this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals?

I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to.

Adil? The Sparrow!

Good-bye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted.

Sorry, Marge. Some wise guy stuck a cork in the bottle.

You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French.

Ooh, premium-- Wait a minute. Why?

Doh!

Oh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat.

Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.

My kid's hero, Cruddy, Crummy-- Krusty the Clown!

Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty!

Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

Doh!

No, I'm not! I'm hopping on the bandwagon.

Hey, doughnuts! - Bart, there's one left, and it's mine.

Oh! - Aw, Homer! - Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus!

Hey, turn it up. I love hearing those wackos.

Isn't that your wife, Homer? / Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on.

I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.

Hey, Barney, am I a pig? / You're no more of a pig than I am. / Oh, no! / See? You're a pig.

Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.

I'd like some flowers. / What kind of flowers? / You know, pretty ones, not dead.

We have some beautiful long-stem roses. They're $55 a dozen. / One, please.

Marge, I, uh-- love you. No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I loveya, baby.

Marge, sweetie, 'hooney,' honey-- Ah, this'll never work.

It matters not, mon frere.

Hello. This is Mr. S-Sampson. / Did your wife just call a second ago? / No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.

Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big-ape father. / Doh!

Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo. / You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?

Smooth as a baby's behind!

'Cause I'm so care free? / No, because you're wearing a bib.

Garcon! Another bottle of your second-least-expensive champagne.

Except for one thing-- no chaperone.

Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp. / Oh, there it-- went. / No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit.

Don't turn your back on that boy for a second. / Ain't that the truth? You know, one time he-- / Huh?

Oh, uh, are you sure this microphone works? Uh, well, I wouldn't say I aided her. This is on, right?

Have you ever seen a kung fu movie? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before tying something like this on Homer Simpson again!

Lord, help me. I'm just not that bright.

The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

-He doesn't care, Mom. -I do. I want a beer while I'm caring.

You did! Well, that's just.... Oh, what a glorious day!

Hand me your paper. I'll put it on the refrigerator. I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

You covered up my paper! Look at those funny little whiskers. That reminds me.

It's Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. No, Dad, I should really-- Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Well, maybe just one more hour.

The little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing? Just a little dim, I guess.

Hitler! / North Dakota?

I'm still beating you, boy

Breakthrough? There's been a breakthrough?!

Some women find bald men quite virile. / Weren't you listening? This is a breakthrough.

If I had hair, you wouldn't say that.

Good morning, Moe's Tavern! It's the president.

Hire him. / I'll call you back.

You're a fraud and a phony, and they'll find you out.

I am nature's greatest miracle!

I love you, Karl-- Marge.

Well, sir, for one thing... we had a problem with fish sticks at lunch.

You only get this tiny cup of sauce, and I always run out.

An absence of mood swings and stability in my life. / How about a pony? / Okay!

You've ruined me, you've crippled your family and baldness is hereditary!

How do you know? / Mother taught me never to kiss a fool.

Yet this company does this every day.

How old do you think I am? / I don't know. 102?

-I'm glad there's a curse here. -Huh?

-What on earth was that? -Oh, just the house settling.

Looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension.

Ooh, a vortex. Catch!

It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem?

We're not talking about a few dollars. We're talking a few thousand dollars!

It's got great high ceilings!

-Sorry, Dad. -Sorry, Bart. -Sorry, Mom.

-It's an ancient Indian burial ground. -Man, this place has everything!

He says he mentioned it.

Come on! Do it! Do it! Do it!

It destroyed itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.

Ooh! That was a big mama.

-You speak English. -I'm speaking Rigelian. By coincidence, our languages are exactly the same.

The girl's right. Let's get some applesauce for these pork chops!

-What are you looking at, buddy? -Your wife's quite a dish.

-Do you get HBO? -No. That's extra.

-That's just Pong! -Get with the times, man.

Anyone that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand. All right, then.

For a superior race, they really rub it in.

-Way to go, Lis. -Yeah, thanks, Lisa.

This better be good.

-Perfumed by some unseen censer -Stupid censer.

-Nevermore -Why you little--

They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you.

Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! Why can't I ever get here on time?

Just resting my eyes! / Well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee

Just resting my eyes!

Echo!

Cushy!

Well, nobody's perfect

Don't get me wrong. You're an honest man. I just meant you could afford to run for governor

If you were governor, you could decide what's safe

To create a new and better world. / If it's on the way, could you drop me at my house?

A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!

I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had

You don't let me express myself. / You express yourself in the home you keep and the food you serve

The only thing worse than being a loser... is being a guy telling the story of how he became a loser.

Two birds with one stone! Okay, everybody out!

Lisa, you're forgetting the beer. It comes in 72-ounce tubs.

Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself.

Lousy, washed-up, broken-down tub of guts! Who does he think he is?

Wow, Flash Bailor came on to my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.

Examine my zipper? Why?

What a lame-o! I could hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up!

Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm! You throw like my sister! Yeah, you throw like me!

How about that? We're in the record book!

It just means you can't wave your fanny in public. Rub it in.

Little baby batter, can't control his bladder!

Well, Simpsie, up for another wave? All right, Burnsie.

As I got up, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

Me? A mascot for a bush-league team?

If I hadn't thought of a nickname, all our lives might've been spared.

For the first time, people didn't laugh at me. They laughed towards me.

I'll stick this where the sun don't shine. Oh yeah? And where might that be?

I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. Give me 'Baby Elephant Walk' with a little reggae beat.

You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot! You make me sick.

Because they might say no.

This was a big decision. I should've listened to my kids, not my dumb wife. I shouldn't call her that. Bite my tongue.

It's not so bad. You'll die someplace else. What do I do about friends? You'll make new, better friends.

Yours is dancing on dugouts.

If we had known each other better, my leaving would actually mean something.

Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life. Little education, bald as a cue ball, 10 years on the same job for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the earth.

Kids, look! Street crime.

For the first time ever...Marge fell asleep before I did.

Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he said he was confused by his respect for me. It wouldn't last.

I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was something! But they didn't care.

I can't! Not after I've seen Capital City! I'll wither and die like a flower.

As my son would say, I'm one sad, ape-like dude.

I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.

Bust my hump all week. Stupid grass! Supposed to be the boy's job.

Hi, Flanders. -Doing yard work? -Who told? Marge, beer me.

There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name. Everyone would love it if it was called 'elfgrass.'

Don't toy with me, woman.

Beggars can't be choosey.

Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt. You make me sick.

One for the road.

Well, it was how he said it. -How did he say it? -He.... -Was he angry? -No. -Rude? -It wasn't how he said it either... but the message was loud and clear. Our family stinks.

Don't backpedal. You were right. He's perfect. Perfect in every way.

I'm not perfect, like Ned Flanders.

'Bosom.' Wait, wait, there's more.

Too bad we don't live on a farm. Let's go.

But I got it in the middle.

D'oh! That was practice. / Play it where it lays.

It went in. -Good shot. -Luck.

Yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day.

This is the only time I will ever say this. It is not okay to lose.

what a violin is to the guy-- The violin guy.

Give it a name. -What? -Give it a name. -Mr. Putter. -Wanna try a little harder? -Give it a girl's name. -Mom. -It's Charlene.

Sometimes the only way to feel good is to make someone feel bad... and I'm tired of making people feel good.

'May the best man win.' The loser's mating call.

I'm not a betting man. -I'm a chicken, am I? -Right.

Steak will make him logy. -What won't make him logy? -Oatmeal. -Oatmeal?

News flash, Lisa. Bart is not a horse. Eat your steak, boy.

Afraid so, infinity plus one.

Mercy's for the weak, Todd.

Remember what Vince Lombardi said! 'Lose, and you're out of the family.'

You're welching on our bet? -What? Neither boy lost. -But neither-- We-- You have to do it too. -Small price to see you humiliated.

Small price to see you humiliated.

Simpson, I feel silly, but what the hay? Reminds me of my old fraternity days. -Oh, my God. He's enjoying it!

Oh, my God. He's enjoying it!

Stop fighting with your sister! -She took my glue! -It's not yours! This is family glue!

So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away!

-Who the hell is that? -Bullwinkle. -Who's that? -Underdog. Don't you know anything?

-Open the can. -Where's the can opener? It's in the second drawer from the right. No, no, the other one.

It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken

It's good to see you. Gotta pick up my old man! Bye!

I love those kids! They got such a great attitude!

That's no way to lay a fire! -This will roar any time now. -A caveman could start it.

Holy moly! That's the biggest one of those I ever saw!

-I always said she was gifted. -Definitely from our side. Right, Mom?

Speaking of heroes, here's mine: Tom Turkey!

And Lord, we're thankful for nuclear power... the cleanest, safest energy source... except for solar, which is a pipe dream.

Not today. You saw what happened! Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe?

Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly. As if he had no will of his own. -Isn't that true, Homer? -Yes, Dad.

-Ha-ha! I didn't apologize! Give me the number for 911!

Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me!

Now we can blame him for everything! -It's your fault I'm bald! -Sorry. -It's your fault I'm old! -Sorry. -It's your fault I can't talk! -Sorry.

-Rasputin, the Friendly Russian. -Wasn't he the Mad Russian?

Look at that showoff, kissing his own muscles.

I have an announcement. As a family growth thing... we should go to the Monster Truck Rally this Saturday.

-But Truck-a-saurus is one night only! -Cruel fate, why do you mock me?

-We can go to both. -Marge, you're a genius!

Series!

Good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this?

-Thanks, Flanders. Big know-it-all.

-My son, my son. -Come on, Flanders. He's not that bad.

I reached him. Drive defensively. The best defense is a good offense. Faster, Dad. Truck-a-saurus awaits!

Damn, no spots!

Pull! Pull, you dogs!

-Give me some nachos, Homer-saurus. -Here, Bart-a-saurus.

-Dad, I wanna be a daredevil. -Kids say such stupid things.

-My little boy! -Come on, Marge, we're mad at him.

It's tragic, but it's a small price to pay for top-notch entertainment.

He's got us. There's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead.

If you don't, I'll never believe you ever again.

If you don't, I'll never believe you ever again. Come on. I mean it, boy!

I should have-- And I was gonna play pickle.

You'll see what it's like to watch a family member risk his life... for no good reason!

I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world!

Think you got guts? Try raising my kids!

Think you got guts? Try raising my kids!

Volume One: Spice Racks.

Pick up a hammer.

Not as easy as I thought it was.

Dad, can you move your head? / I can't. It's broken.

But if you take them away, we'll grow up without humor and be robots. / Really? What kind of robots?

I told you. My baby beat me up.

It is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. Wise guy.

Because why? / I said so. / You said so why? / I'm trying to work. / What are you doing? / Cataloguing the violence.

How long are we gonna do this? / I've never changed the world. I don't know how long it takes.

I didn't know they made TV dinners this bad.

There's peas in my cobbler. / They're everywhere.

Twenty million women, and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Some of these are good. I never knew mice lived such lives.

Wow! What great kids. This is the golden age, Marge!

There he is, Michelangelo's Dave. / David.

Really? Why? / They're forcing them!

You don't have to do that. I can throw myself out.

What trial were you watching?

A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.

A million dollars' worth, you snake-woman! No. String beans? No, you two-timing, backstabbing-- Better answer. No.

I'll still do the bed stuff.

Do it if it'll shut her up. Start with the feet. Still angry. Good, Homer! This is tough, need refreshment. Trustworthy beer.

Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?

I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it.

Thursday. Meat loaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.

Who said that? Nobody wants that.

We haven't missed pork chop night since the pig scare in '87!

Fine! We'll go to Mars!

If I said no the first time, would I say yes the second time? / Maybe on the ninety-ninth time. / Try me.

Please, Dad? / Okay!

It's hard to choose. It all looks so terrible.

The squid looks like it's been hacked by a blind woodsman. Hang your head in shame.

Oh, boy! This fish is delish!

Oh, boy! This fish is delish!

I recommend the raw quail egg. / You're the doctor!

Come on, pal. Fugu me!

Fan-fugu-tastic!

'Try something new. How can it hurt you, Homer?'

Never heard of a poisoned pork chop!

No need, doc. I can read Marge like a book.

24 hours? / Well, 22. I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

First, denial. / No way! I'm not dying! / The second is anger. / Why, you little--!

Hello, Marge. Hello! I'm the one dying, not you.

What's that word you use for when you and I...? / When we're intimate? / 'Be intimate with Marge.'

There will be plenty of time for that!

Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Three: It was like that when I got here.

You son of a--! / And that's how we shave.

It was like that when I got here! / That's my boy!

The joke's on him! I'll be dead by then.

Unless you taped over this, you probably wonder about your dad.

When I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket!

Nobody's here! Nobody's here! / Damn those answering machine tapes!

Burns! Eat my shorts!

Of all the luck. I almost died without telling the boss to eat my shorts.

I never told you, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile.

The clouds are forming... Give me a break.

From now on, I vow to live life to its fullest!

[Homer immediately watching bowling on TV]

I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard.

All right, all right. Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery!

Shut up. Cheap Chinese TV, why'd I ever buy it?

She's right! She's right! Oh, how I miss TV!

Dear God, give me one channel!

You lie!

D'oh!

-Hey, would you like to go--? -She's mine!

-So what are you in for? -I'm a political prisoner.

Every day, I show up, act like me and they slap me in here.

-What? -Another day of detention! -Let's get together. -Two days! -What's your name? -Homer. -Three days! -J. Simpson. -Five! -It was worth it! Six days!

-Ignoramus? -It means I'm stupid, doesn't it? -Stupidity is different. -Not to me.

-Why is there make-out music on? -It helps me study.

You're telling me new stuff and minutes later, it's still there.

-I thought you dropped out. -You wish, Dondalinger. -That's Mr. Dondalinger.

-No, it's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk. -Yeah, why spoil a perfect evening?

All right! All right! I'll walk in the mud!

Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you... and I'll never let you go.

Boy, what's this world coming to? -That's exactly-- -Gotta go.

It's funny because it's true!

Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

This is where Jaws eats the boat. Here, Die Hard jumps through the window. This is where Wall Street gets arrested.

They think people watch that.

Oh, pizza.

A program-length advertisement!

Beats the hell out of me!

Thou shalt not.... Covet... graven images. Something about covet.

Run for the hills, Ma Barker, before I call the feds!

How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness?

There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral.

I can't afford it. When I can afford to pay for it, I will. But I can't so I'm not going to.

It's coming down! The cable stays. The foot has spoken.

-Did you swipe those from work? -Certainly not. What are you implying?

Quick! It's Moe. I gotta hide the mugs.

Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! -Borrowed? -Okay, that stuff I stole from work. -Oh, okay.

-Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! -Borrowed? -Okay, that stuff I stole from work.

It wasn't me. It was my wife's idea. Yeah!

I hate to interrupt your judging me. I've made a couple of important decisions.

Number two: I'm not very fond of any of you.

Third time's a charm.

No! No! Bad dog! Let go!

Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop! Not the sports section!

No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food!

Yes, master.

You go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old axe... because my dog is tied up!

I am looking at him right--

'Mr. Universe,' I wish.

They've got Velcro, a water pump, built-in odometer, and vanity plates.

Oh, the kissing disease.

My little girl is growing up.

Teen Dream, Teen Scream... and Teen Steam magazine?

They're for my daughter. Sure. Wise guy.

Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes! You're the boss!

'Keep On Truckin'?' What does that mean? I didn't know then. I don't know now.

How many of these guys are Corey? Eight.

You bought those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.

'Satan's Little Helper.' Santa's Little Helper.

The other, like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was? Like a hose, you wrinkled queen.

My dog was bringing me my shoes, and they fell apart in his mouth. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft or acts of dog.

If you'd like to buy, they're $1. So that's your little plan! Get us addicted, then jack up the price!

Well, you win.

My cookie!

We never did this before. We never had a family member we can give away.

If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner.

You moldy old maid.

Free to loving home, world's smartest dog. Says 'I love you' on command.

Take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I say.

I'm sorry. You can't help being dumb.

I can still taste the sauce. And get this: It's all-you-can-eat! This is like some beautiful dream!

Marge, I've got five words to say to you. Greasy Joe's Bottomless BBQ Pit.

I'm only human.

F. L. No, I'm sorry. That's a 'C,' isn't it?

Is this seat taken? Yes! Hey, beat it!

I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever met me!

No, that's just my sister-in-law.

Wait, which one's Selma?

Why should she have a better husband than you?

Only to my job. But if you weren't, you'd tend to go for a girl?

Here we go. Boy meets beast.

D'oh! Wrong one.

Marvelous. Just marvelous. Well, Selma hated Egypt too. A camel spit on her.

Oh, yes. Plenty of fish. We just don't have any bait.

Like my wife's ugly sister. Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not picky.

$2.50 for this? What a gyp!

Thanks for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality...at least in this country. Amen.

One more word and Bart gets no cartoons...and Lisa can't go to college! Dad! Not one word!

No panto-ma-mine, either.

Oh, Dad! You and your imagination.

This makes me feel special. Since I'm the one you kept, it means you really love me.

Know where this bastard lives? His parents aren't married. It's the correct word, isn't it? He's got us there.

You're a little late. They tore that down 30 years ago. Thirty years! I'll never find him!

Oh, brother, where art thou?

Yeah, but we're looking for my brother today.

Here's 20 bucks. Now, will you tell me where my brother lives? I don't-- Take it and tell me! He lives in Detroit.

'H'! Of course! That could stand for Herbert!

Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! Knock it off! I'm here! I was silent due to emotion.

But, Marge, I want to see my brother! Homer, it's an empty threat.

Holy moly! The bastard's rich!

Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch!

God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know. I feel the same about you.

Wait! Let me see if I got this right. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m...there's a rumble in my belly-- Homer!

Got him!

I want to pay you $200,000 a year! And I want to let you!

Your brother told you to help us. Yeah, he did. Why don't you get us some coffee?

How could you ask for it? You don't know what it is. May I be excused?

Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. The Super Slurpees they sell at Kwik-E-Marts are this big!

Put a horn here, here and here. I can't find it when I'm mad. And they should play 'La Cucaracha.'

You're fired! What are we paying you for? A separate soundproof dome for the kids? With restraints and muzzles. Bull's-eye!

And when I gun the motor...I want people to think the world is coming to an end!

Maybe he said that to make conversation.

Dad? What is it, boy? I thought your car was cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that.

Oh, what could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store?

My God, you're right!

Series of rejected activity suggestions

She can come with us. There's room for all your friends.

Let 'em sleep on their own time!

Is someone talking? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you!

Give it to us. Bart! Forgive him. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing in his head. You know, he is wise.

Have you seen an old man? He looks like me only wrinkled.

Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. 'If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn...' You'll be a bonehead!

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No!

If I take you, will you two shut up? -Yeah! -Of course! -Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -Yes!

Kids, I'm moving the seat back. -It is back.

Everybody, stick together. We don't want to get separ-- D'oh!

The hell with this! Slide inspector coming through! Move to the right. Move! I'm here for your safety. -God bless that man!

What? Come on, you stupid tube!

Can't breathe. Too many children.

Well, am I? Forgive us, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.

Fifty-five? My God! Three hundred and-- A hundred and fifty? Oh, my God! Two hundred and sixty pounds! I'm a big, fat pig!

Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bone!

...there'll be no pork chop too succulent, no donut too tasty...no pizza too laden with delicious toppings...to prevent me from reaching my ideal weight!

As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again!

D'oh! Shut up!

Homer, I found your weights. -Oh, the Glutimus Maximizer.

Who's the mop-top with the schnoz? -That's Ringo Starr.

I guess she thought he was cute. What? Hey!

Wait, I've been setting my drinks on these things!

Hello? Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?

What do you think, Homer? -Do I have to do anything? -No. -Great! Fine! Go nuts!

The Heavy Hands only work if you move. -I can't. Oh, really?

I'm a work of art! Last Supper, eat your heart out.

There's an original sentiment. / Take it outside. I'm male-modeling.

So Ziggy goes to the repair shop. There's a sign reading 'Out of Order.' Oh, Ziggy, will you ever win?

Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine and feeling fine I'm using the original notches!

If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.

Don't listen to him! He's a mean little SOB.

Just a popularity contest? What's more important than popularity?

I knew you had personality! They said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better!

So it's up to me, is it? / Yes. / And you think that people are gonna pay you $4.50 when they don't have to?

Anything you say! Good luck, lady! You'll need it!

She sees everybody else's dad with a good education and says, 'What did I do to deserve this?'

She sees everybody else's dad... with a good education and says, 'What did I do to deserve this?'

You are smooth. I'll give you that.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

But you, sir, are a baboon! / Me? / Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!

The stupidest and ugliest ape of all!

Everyone special to me is under this roof.

Maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse. At least I'm good at monkey work.

You know, monkey? You know what I mean? I can hold these nails in place with my tail.

If just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted. / Would you have gotten any money for being class president? / No. / Would you have more work? / Yeah.

Holy moly, talk about parenting.

Let's just go to bed. I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

Mmm! "Hors doovers."

-Homer! You promised. -That I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie.

What about that bash with champagne and musicians and holy men? -That was our wedding! -Oh.

-I want to hear your witty banter. -You can't have fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.

Oh, baby. Mmm! Yeah.

College boy.

Next time put a little alcohol in it. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon... Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I'm slurring my words.

Remember when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No.

Homer... these ice cubes are made from highly toxic chemicals. A real fly is more sanitary. The look on your face. It's priceless!

-Do that cute thing you do. -What? -That thing you know how to do. -What? Go to bed.

Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! Oh, Homer! You're the king.

I've been wanting to tell you off for years... I don't know you. Our wives are friends. You just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit!

-Gee, don't quit. -All right.

Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. I apologize for my husband. If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.

Why? What did you do?

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. -Well said. -Thank you.

-Well said. -Thank you. -A fly! -I put it there. -You did? -I slipped it in. -Pure hilarity! -Pure Homer! The most whimsical jape of the season.

Oh. You mean inside, don't you?

Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?!

They couldn't call it that if it didn't have a catfish in it.

The biggest catfish around. Weighs over 500 pounds. -Who says that? -They do.

Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman.

Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible... because she can't find hers. -Lucky you don't keep guns.

-She's perfect. -What are her faults? -It can be annoying.

He blows his nose on towels and puts them back. Only a couple of times.

Out at 5. Catch Sherman at 5:30. Clean him at 6. Eat him by 6:30. Back in bed by 7 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime.

Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish. I got a skillet and some butter with your name on it.

-To who? -Those weirdos in the store!

I fought it for six hours. One word and I toss it back. You're telling me our marriage is in trouble?

I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman. And that golden lariat. She can tie me up any time.

-Homer! -Just kidding, Marge.

For a comic? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?

Well, T.S.

No! Look, we all know that usually when you bug me I give in. I'm not mad at you. Shows you been paying attention.

-Okay! -I win! In your face! Yeah! How do you like them apples?

-Really? -No.

Working's for chumps. I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Lemur. Lemur. Zebu. Zebu.

An ox with a hump and a dewlap. Hump and dewlap. Hump and dewlap.

My shoe size? 4-B. How many teeth do I have? Sixteen. Ring? Don't wear them. But three. Allergies? Butterscotch. And? Monster makeup.

How many hairs on my head? Homie, you have lots of hair.

I don't have to give blood. I have rights. Yeah, the right to remain silent.

You know 'Hercules and the Lion'? Is it a Bible story? Probably.

How did a lion get rich? It was the olden days!

Otto-man! You work here? All my friends are in school... so I got a job as a bloodletting tech-dude!

D'oh! It's just a card!

Is that some way to show your gratitude? No gold, no diamonds. No rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait, there was a card. That's what got me so mad!

You're living in a world of make-believe. With bells and magic frogs with funny hats.

In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink!

You are a senile, bucktoothed old mummy... with bony girl arms and you smell like.... An elephant's butt? An elephant's butt.

You always do that hand thing. And it usually works.

Think very carefully. Where did you see it last? The last place I saw it... was in my hand... as I was shoving it into the mailbox.

D'oh! Why did you do that? There were things that had to be said. And I know you. There was no guarantee you'd still be mad this morning.

I'll show you mad in the morning! Homer, you encouraged him. You should be strangling yourself!

But don't other people have mail? So they won't get letters. You know the letters people write. 'Dear somebody... how is so-and-so? Blah, blah, blah. Yours truly, Some Bozo.' Big loss.

God! Are you planning to water the mail? It wouldn't do any good to run because you know my name, right? That's right. Well, I'm still gonna run!

Oh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!

Give a fake name. Homer Simpson.

You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids and I'll... die in a gutter. It's practical and within our means.

Wow! A big, ugly head! D'oh!

Wow! A big, ugly head! D'oh!

What does it do? Nothing. Really, what does it do? Whatever it does, it's doing it now.

I guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that letter... we would've gotten nothing. Well.... The moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.

Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.

Pink?! I can't wear pink to work. Everybody wears white. I'm not popular enough to be different.

It's all over, Marge! It's all over!

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me!

Just because I'm wearing pink... doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut-eater... although it is tempting.

All right, all right. I'll get Lisa to do it.

No deal. / Dad, you should do this.

It's no different... than the time I let you vote for me. Remember that absentee ballot?

Do you hear voices? I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV.

Are you quick to anger? Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up! Yes.

Do you wet your pants? Even the best of us has an occasional accident.

I'm a very popular entertainer. Of course, I've heard of you. You'd have to be living under a rock-- What's your name? Michael Jackson. Doesn't ring a bell.

Heard of MTV or Motown? No. Beat It? You beat it. Thriller? What was that?

How do your feet do that? The moonwalk? No, your feet!

I wore a pink shirt. I understand. People thought I dressed crazy. What did you wear? One white glove... covered with rhinestones.

Five times nine. Forty-five. Wow! This guy is the chief.

Hot cakes... football... boobies-- Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.

Was the door locked?

Was it raining?

Were you out of gas?

I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink. Are you sure you're here voluntarily?

Not me. I got this.

D'oh!

One million dollars. I'm rich!

See where it says 'Void, void, void' and 'This is not a check'? 'Cash value 1/20th of a cent.' 'Mr. Banker, do not honor.' - Shut up.

Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.

Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, a cartoon!

Ain't it the truth? No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men.

Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables... 'Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread.'

They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap... and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket.

That reminds me. 'Seven ways to spice up your marriage.'

'You have a nice body... and if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.'

Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.

Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm.

Wa-hoo! Who would have guessed... reading and writing would pay off?

Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do.

Oh, boo yourself.

Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off.

What the-- D'oh! Stupid welcoming mint!

Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m. - Sorry, fatso.

What does the 'I' stand for again? - Oh!

Lousy, cheap country.

If I ever vote, it'll be for him.

D'oh!

D'oh!

Homer, you silly goose. The weed-whacker's just for the edges. You'll be out here all day.

Why doesn't he just say so?!

I don't care if he is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Marge Simpson, president of the 'We Love Flanders' fan club

What if they came back and I was dead from not eating? They'd cry their eyes out

What is it, boy? What? Mmm. Barbecue.

Hey, I'm back. Nice seeing you. Hey! Oh! Hey, hey, Homer!

The fly was funny. The booger was the icing on the cake.

That was a joke?

It sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me

Fun? Where is this store, Flanders? The merry old land of Oz?

I've got an ambition to do some wishin'

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

D'oh!

No, I do not know what 'schadenfreude' is. Please tell me because I'm dying to know.

Those Germans have a word for everything

He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place

Hey, you're that first apple I didn't want. That sinks it.

Homer keep all money. Bye-bye, Neddy

Wait a minute. I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there. / Oh. / Flanders is in debt? Are you sure? / We don't make mistakes.

D'oh!

What does it pay? Thirty bucks a week. I make more than that.

Bart! Have you started smoking? No. Don't lie to me, boy. Uh-huh! Cigarettes. Just as I thought. My boss said his warehouse was full. Yeah, right.

I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes. Then maybe you'll learn.

You look good with that cigarette--kind of sophisticated. Son, I'll never doubt you again.

If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

Our cover's blown. Let's roll. See? It was all your imagination.

Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes. Beats me. I was bluffing. You win again, Homer.

The only thing going on down there was male bonding. More stink lines, boys.

You've been his father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate? Well, not the leader... I mean... Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit.

When do we get the check for this? They changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us. You know who the real crooks are-- those sleazy Hollywood producers.

D'oh!

This paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King

This is the only paper in America not afraid to tell the truth--that everything is just fine

Eww! Lemon. Ugh! Cherry. Ooh... custard. Mmm... purple!

Whosever problem this is, I'm sure they can handle it

It's my problem! We're doomed!

It's as fat as a phone book!

Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated?

When they look up 'stupid' in a dictionary... there will be a picture of me

This button controls the emergency override. In a meltdown, push this button, and only this button. Ooh, a side. - Simpson! - What? You see which button? Yeah, yeah, push the button. Got it.

One potato, two potato-- No, wait. Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish. How many pieces do you wish?

I guess there's nothing left... but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye. May I, sir?

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney... ...moe.

A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman-- you just read the manual and press the right button

Magic, what if people think a guy's a hero... but he was just lucky? Sooner or later people like that are exposed as frauds.

Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes. It's actually more of a honey glaze. Maybe you ate a clove.

Looking at you with quiet awe. As long as it's quiet.

Help them find their eanae-eharatou-nah-duleve. Their eanae-haratou-doola what? We want you to give them a pep talk... that turns them from donut-eating goof-offs... into Homer Simpsons.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a tiger by toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney... moe.

Do you even know what button you pushed?! Sure-- moe.

D'oh!

Ooh, SEX-CHAT!

Hello? Are there any women here? Hello?! Are you beautiful? Do I sound beautiful?! This is not as hot as I had anticipated.

Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade.

A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here!

Mel Brooks is Jewish?!

Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meat loaf, or what?

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

I do a radio call-in show with him... every Sunday night. - Really? - I didn't know that. I mention it in my sermon every week.

I got something in my eye. Take my hankie. Eeyugh!

Here you go, kids. Heh-heh... heh. Lousy punks. D'oh!

Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, yeah, everybody in this family... will have a bad nightmare tonight. Oh, yeah, three bad nightmares. I'd like to see that. Heh-heh-heh.

What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live here?

Dad, that's Monaco. D'oh!

I can do that, but I don't want to.

I was once president of Algeria. I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me.

Why, at that little shop right over... there. Oh, it was over there.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot! They're souvenirs. You must pay a fine of two American dollars. Okay.

Oh, my land! Ooh.! A luxury car. Good baby. Good Maggie. Ohh, a new pacifier. D'oh!

Nice hot mustard, good bread... turkey's a little dry-- The turkey's a little dry?! Oh, foul the cursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?

Hey, is that one of those monkey paw dealies... that lets you wish for things? Yeah, but I got to warn you that this thing is-- Yeah, that's what it is. You want to try it?

He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.

It's no good, and you know what we say... Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that. It's very good.

Then, when he's least expecting it, bash his head in. End of monster. Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.

I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.

You got it. Oh! Hey, hey. Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son.

How hard can it be? Hey, Dad, here's one. $28 an hour, plenty of fresh air... and you get to meet lots of interesting people. Ooh, what job is that? Grave digger.

I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle. What's the use? Sheesh! What a slave driver.

Oh, I hate having two heads.

Wow. And after them... out of all the people in the world... you chose me.

Just in the nick of-- Mmm. Beer.

This is a whole lot of nothing. I'd rather watch the boilers.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!

The moron next door closed early. / I happen to be that moron. / Oh, me and my trenchant mouth!

Come on,Jer. Open up. I pulled you out of that burning car.

What instrument does she play? / I don't know.

Lisa, stop playing that stupid-- Saxophone! That's it!

Alto or tenor? / D'oh!

Uh-oh.

Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson... and her wacky sax. / Yeah! Whoo! / Must be her father.

Oh! That cost $88! / I don't feel much like eating.

I forgive you. / D'oh! You didn't mean that. / No, I didn't.

You're taping it? / Yes. / I'll watch it later.

No wonder she hates me. Oh, I never even noticed she was alive.

Maybe I should give up on Lisa... and make a fresh start with Maggie.

If I spend any more time doing girl things... I'm going to, you know, go fruity.

With today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to.

When you yell at me, I see love in your eyes.

Was that a yes or a no? / Baa. / Those aren't even words. / Sna.

'Scottish Deer Hound.' Hey, this is a dog! / My friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for.

That stunning creature over there... is half a million dollars. / Half a million dollars?! / He was sired by Seattle Slew. His mother won the Kentucky Derby. His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.

This check is dated January 1, 2054. / Is there a problem with that?

Isn't there like a pound... where you can pick up cheap ponies... that ran away from home?

Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? / Usury? / Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist.

You're not planning to eat it? / It's for my little girl because she doesn't love me.

Sounds like someone's angling... for a pony of her own.

I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

This is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.

By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood... and at night, it will nestle snugly... between the cars in our garage.

That's illegal. / That's for the courts to decide.

We're always buying Maggie... vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

We could cut down on beer. / We're not going to do that.

Three liberty bells! / That will be $10,000, Apu. / If I could see the ticket-- / There it is. / Please to be removing your thumb.

These hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them. / But I eat-- / Oh.

Oh, my God, she killed him.

30 years. / D'oh.

I heard Milli Vanilli was arrested... for impersonating a McNugget.

There's a big dumb animal... I love more than that horse. / What is it, a hippopotamus?

D'oh!

If stuff starts flying just turn your head. Check.

Patty, Thelma, what a pleasant surprise!

Expiration date, June 1989... uh, 2012, yeah.

Shh! They'll hear you.

You can't weld with such a little flame. Stupid kid.

You want to rent it, sir? Why? I just saw the best part.

Just grab something. All these movies are great.

Oh, great. You made me miss Joe Theisman.

Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets.

Hank Jones.

Steve McQueen. That's your hero.

He's always chewing on that phone cord. He hasn't done that since he was two.

D'oh! That's a hobby.

You're also fat. / I'm also fat!

Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father. You're also fat. I'm also fat!

If he's as smart as he is funny, I'm sold.

That's easy for you to say... you preachy, egg-headed institute guy.

What boy? Your son.

I built a lot of things around the house-- the spice rack... the bird feeder... the Gymboree.

What was that? Ah, who cares?

That sounds too complicated. Okay, don't use reverse psychology. All right, I will.

Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved the Simpsons.

that Bart is a little miracle-- his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach...

He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

He's my son, and if he doesn't wanna wear one, you can't make him.

When did I teach you that? I picked it up somewhere.

I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin' which the Simpsons built... and remember that for one brief shining moment... I had a son.

This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa?

You! Home wrecker!

Shut up, Flanders. Flanders! / When should a boy start dating? / There are two schools of thought on the subject-- / Great! Thanks!

I'll curse that name till the day I die! Flanders! Flanders.

D'oh!

Wow. Info-tainment.

He's not so fat.

Whoa-- T and A!

Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants.

As I stared at that hairy drumstick I knew I needed a drink.

If you're going for a beer, this is the last one. D'oh!

It passed the first test-- I didn't go blind.

They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea but Selma sank right to the bottom.

I don't know the scientific explanation but fire made it good.

Only an idiot would give away a million-dollar idea like that. Ohhh.

Nah. Marge, I'm too upset to eat. I think I'll go to Moe's. D'oh! Oh!

You just lost yourself a customer! What? I couldn't hear you. I said, you just lost a customer! What? You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up. You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. Well, duh!

When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course. All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

D'oh!

D'oh!

D'oh!

The book says to make small talk...before getting down to business. - Everybody alive? - Yeah. - Like any sports? - Sure. - Ever go dancing? - Not anymore. - We should get together sometime. - That'd be great. There. Now we trust each other.

Sell! Sell! Sell! Whoo-hoo! Twenty-five dollars!

Buy low, sell high-- that's my motto. I may quit my job at the power plant...and become a full-time...stock market guy.

I sold it all for 25 bucks!

- Oww! - Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.

Look at all those worried faces...except for Lenny. He looks great.

Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor.

D'oh!

D'oh!

If I'm not a safety 'whatchamajigger,' I'm nothing.

Fit, damn you! Fit!

Hey, you! Stop being... so unsafe! Smitty... safen up.

No. I must have phrased that badly. My English is inelegant. I meant to say...may we have a brief, friendly chat? No. Failed again. 'We request the pleasure of your company...for a free exchange of ideas.' Nooo!

Well, uh... I wish the candy machine...wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills...because...a lot of workers really like candy.

Wow... chocolate, half-price!

Sure, they've made mistakes in the past, but that's why pencils have erasers.

Does your money ever hug you...when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say 'I love you'? No, it doesn't.

Whoo-hoo! I got my job back!

D'oh!

Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test

Pirate-themed pregnancy test instructions

Test turns pink instead of blue or purple

D'oh!

If a test should fail... to a doctor set sail

Homer's pregnancy symptoms

Your mother just broke her leg

For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it.

I threw up more than your mother

Those were idealistic days-- The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp

Homer, you turn the blades too fast. The golfers are complaining.

Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television

Homer's mid-sentence forgetting

Marge, get your butt out here!

Do you mean like will apes be our masters?

What do you think about? Well, girls. I mean boys! I mean you.

You're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda

Actually, she was singing about God. Oh, well, he's always happy. No, wait, he's always mad.

Someday I'll buy you a real castle. You don't have to do that. Whoo, good.

It must be the Champale talking

This castle is impregnable

D'oh!

Damn it, where's that card?

In your face, everybody! Whoo-hoo!

The baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson

All the kids will call him Larry Fairy... Screwy Louie... Slob... Puke... Mucus

Bart, cart, dart, e-art-- Nope. Can't see any problem with that.

Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over.

I heard radiation can make you sterile. Now you tell me.

It takes me a long time to learn anything. I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do.

We're all going to die! Run!

I thought you said you liked dogs

They get doughnuts! All the colors of the rainbow.

Holy cow, you're as big as a house!

They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce

I knocked you up

'I knocked you up.' 'No, because I love you.'

Treat me like dirt-- I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream!

Only in America could I get a job!

This is my wife, and my kid. I'm paying for this delivery.

Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God!

As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me

He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

D'oh!

Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... dancing?

Dad, this is $110. - Oh. Sorry.

That could be Bart.

It won't be like those shoe trees... I got him last year... or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I'll buy his love yet.

Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

D'oh!

Hey, good-looking... we'll be back for some dinner later.

Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh!

How does that make him a hero? Well, it's more than you did.

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you fit. Why, you little...!

It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Homer! Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live. D'oh!

That's all I can stands. I can't stands no more. I'm going to get you out of there myself.

Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger.

Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger.

D'oh!

Well, bye-bye belt.

Homer, all those fatty... deep-fried, heavily-salted snacks... can't be good for your heart. My heart is just fine.

A little beer will put out that fire.

All right, Denver, justify my love.

Just don't say anything, and sit down over there. Over.

See you in hell, soldier boy.

you're wrong 48% of the time. Why didn't you say that before?!

by 200 points?! Why, you worthless hunk of junk!

Don't you realize this is costing me money?

The Dolphins? Good, good.

It's a little thing daddies do... to make football more exciting.

My God... it's like there's some kind of bond between us.

somewhere in the back

You bet.

It gets rid... of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

My little girl says the cutest things.

Not Sunday-- Daddy-Daughter Day.

I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.

You call Moe. Just bet, Lisa.

Only in 48 states.

The only victim is Moe... and it's brought Lisa and me together.

The new football season is only seven months away.

Every note is a dagger in my heart. I got to get out of here.

Money comes and goes, but my daughter and I... can go on for eight more years!

D'oh!

Overwhelming morning chaos with multiple demands

A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole.

Ohh, alley balls?

Well, I'll be damned.

D'oh!

Later tonight, I think you and I should, uh... snuggle?

What?! You mean we're getting a divorce?

Wish I'd thought of that.

See? Got her on the first bounce.

See? Got her on the first bounce.

Mmm. Strained peas. [To Tune Of 'Rule Brittania'] # Shakespeare's fried chicken #

D'oh! Let go!

D'oh! Let go!

Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me.

Well, good. The dog didn't run away.

Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her.

D'oh!

Can you believe it? Soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy.

Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks. Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No. D'oh!

Marge, you're a tool of the doghouse makers.

You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

This is a door. He goes through that. This is a roof. And this happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house.

Stupid lumber. Damn it! D'oh! I-- Oh, the hell with this!

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, come on now, Flanders. I don't complain about your... moustache.

Uh, it makes you look like you got something to hide. People are talking. Lots of people.

Aye, aye... Admiral Butthead.

If I catch fire? If I see something weird? What about when we snuggle?

Well, he just goes... Ohh!

Oh, fudge... That's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot.

Beer!

Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.

Three simple words: 'I am gay.'

D'oh!

Mmm, doughnuts.

Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts.

Hmm.

What's that? A homemade bat? It's something very special-- a homemade bat.

Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal... I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find.

I put my homemade football on hold

We play 30 games, 10 at bats a game-- 3,000.

Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are... there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

You sure did. I did? Whoo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry.

Mmm... potato chips.

D'oh!

The police said I was too dumb.

Isn't anybody gonna follow in my footsteps?

D'oh! Stupid fingers.

Hmm, umm, hmm...

Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid.

D'oh!

What's Lisa's birthday? What? You don't know your sister's birthday?

The lottery is the one ray of hope... in my otherwise unbearable life! Uh, the lottery and you.

Yes, money-- I mean honey.

Homer, the odds are 380 million to one. Correction: 380 million to 50!

Bank it. Give it to the poor. What do kids know about spending money?

Look closer, Lenny. Oh, you're the biggest man in the world now... and you're covered in gold. 14-karat gold.

I've got so many tickets I can't lose. The first number is 17. D'oh!

If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten.

Oh, well, we lost the money... but we've still got each other. Hey, the dog's dead.

He's not dead. Don't say the dog's dead when he's not. It's not fair to toy with people's emotions. He is dead. I'll get a shovel.

If Grandpa says he's dead, he must be alive.

In doggie heaven, there's mountains of bones... and you can't turn around... without sniffing another dog's butt.

One of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one-- the one that mauled Timmy.

Lousy, dog-killing son-of-a-- Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.

You are not performing that operation yourself. But, Marge, it looks so easy. Just like carving a turkey.

Marge, I've figured out... an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats. I don't think you've thought this through.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come... he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

Oh, no! Those are my numbers. If it wasn't for that dog, I would have won.

I know you can't understand me... but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

I know you can't understand me... but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.

Oh, you mean tonight. The dog will get out.

Remember? Doggie heaven? Oh, Marge! There is no such place. Or... to put it another way... there is.

You can pet the cat. The cat? What's the point?

D'oh!

Marge, that's just a suggested car size.

We're getting a lot of sparks here, Dad. / Uh-huh. Easy. Easy. Perfect. All right, everybody, out the window.

Why, Marge, you frisky little devil. [Sexy Growl]

Oh, this movie's too complicated. / Hey, the floor's sticky.

Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, 'Who's that guy?'

Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus!

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.

It's pretty obvious if you think about it. / Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think! / Yeah!