They Saved Lisas Brain

Homer:D'oh!

Krusty the Clown:And now, here's Bongo the Italian TV character!

Italian TV character:Mamma mia! Why-a you no call-a your mother? She's-a worried sick about you! Ay-oh!

TV Announcer:We interrupt this program for an emergency broadcast.

TV Announcer:Due to the tragic events, we will now rebroadcast last week's entertainment special.

Homer:Hoo-hoo! Look at all these lazy stereotypes! This is the kind of comedy writing I can really sink my teeth into.

Homer:Why, they've packed more offensive clichés into one episode than the actual Simpsons uses in a whole season!

Radio Announcer:New Nutri-Matic health drink! It's approved for sale in all fifty states!

Homer:Oh boy, a pudding company sponsoring a gross-out contest! This is the greatest day of my life!

Homer:Thank you, pudding company. You've made all my dreams come true. I love you.

Grandma Plopwell representative:Our new low-fat cookie is made with hyper sugar, a revolutionary ingredient that lets you eat twice as much guilt-free!

Homer Simpson:Hyper sugar? What's that?

Grandma Plopwell representative:It's sugar that's so active it burns calories just sitting in your stomach. Plus it's full of Mega-Nutrients, which are like regular nutrients, but mega.

Grandma Plopwell representative:Do you suffer from diabetes?

Homer Simpson:No.

Grandma Plopwell representative:You will.

Radio DJ:Congratulations! You've won our grand prize trip!

Radio DJ:You're going to... Gary, Indiana!

Caller:But you said Hawaii!

Radio DJ:I said 'Hi, uh, way ago.' Gary, Indiana!

Radio DJ:You're our lucky caller! You've won an all-expense paid trip to...

Radio DJ:...the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Radio DJ:I'm sorry, I misspoke. That was the Springfield Tire Fire.

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show!

Bart:Or as I like to call you... Ladles and Gentle-men!

Bart:Bring it on! I can swallow anything!

Homer:Oh yeah? How about this?

Crowd:Yeah! Swallow it, Bart!

Bart:No problem!

Homer:Alright, here comes a bumper!

Crowd:A transmission! A engine block! A whole chassis!

Bart:Ugh... I don't feel so good...

Lisa:This is degrading! How could you let Bart enter such a contest?

Homer:Lisa, this is the best thing Bart's ever gonna do.

Radio DJ:We have a winner! Homer Simpson will perform his act: 'Joseph's Dream Coat' made entirely of popcorn!

Homer:That's right! It's a coat of many colors... and many kernels!

Radio DJ:And what's your act called?

Homer:'Carnal Knowledge'... because it's corn-al knowledge! Get it?

Homer:Hey everybody, watch me make popcorn out of my belly button!

Homer:*starts jumping and wiggling around*

Lisa:Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening.

Bart:Dad, you're doing it again!

Lisa:We're never going back to this school.

Homer:Why must I choose? Why can't I have both?

Lisa:Because you can't, Dad. Life is full of choices, and you have to accept the consequences.

Moe:What's the matter? Don't you like my costume?

Audience:Boo!

Moe:Oh, I see. A big tough bartender like me in a cute little fairy outfit... I guess that is pretty funny.

Contest Judge:And the winner of this year's contest is... me! You're all losers, every single one of you!

Contest Judge:Now this is outrageous! You can't possibly serve that!

Contestant:But it's just a urinal cake!

Contest Judge:A urinal cake?! Well, that changes everything. Delicious!

Lisa:Can't we all just try to be civilized and respectful to one another?

Crowd:Ooh ooh ooh! Ah ah ah! Eee eee eee!

Lisa:I have written a letter to the Springfield Gazette about the town's moral decay and social degradation.

Homer:That's nice, sweetie.

Lisa:It begins: 'Dear Editor, I am compelled to address the alarming decline of civic responsibility in our fair municipality...'

Bart:Blah blah blah. Hey, did you hear? There was a riot at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Lisa:A riot? Over what? Economic injustice? Political oppression?

Homer:Pudding cups were on sale.

Lisa:...I'm going to need a new letter.

Bart:Check it out, man. I won this sweet prize at the contest!

Lisa:That's great, Bart. What did you win it for?

Bart:Well, technically I came in second... but the first place prize was lame, so I just took this one instead.

Bart:Wow, look at this prize we won!

Homer:A photography contest? Let me see that. Ooh, inappropriate photographs of celebrities... Woo-hoo! Finally, a contest I can win!

Lisa:Dad, your ignorance isn't just limited to one subject—it's comprehensive. It spans multiple disciplines. In fact, I'd say you're not just ignorant, you're ignorami. And if there were more of you, you'd be ignoramuses. Or should that be ignorami? The Latin plural of ignoramus would technically be ignorami, making you part of a whole genus of ignoramus—ignorami collectively.

Lisa:Springfield's cultural infrastructure is woefully inadequate. We have zero art museums, no symphony orchestra, and precisely forty-seven adult entertainment establishments.

Lisa:Dear Mr. President, I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to express my concerns about—

Ralph:Yeehaw!

Lisa:...as long as Ralph doesn't interrupt me.

Homer:Wow, this is quite a think piece!

Homer:Oh... it's just a bra advertisement.

Ned Flanders:Well, I only take my life advice from dead people and religious figures.

Chief Wiggum:Well, I've been using the newspaper two ways - to train the dog where to go to the bathroom, and to teach Ralph where NOT to go to the bathroom.

Ralph:I'm in danger.

Chief Wiggum:Say, Lisa, you're a smart kid. Got any book recommendations?

Lisa:Well, Chief Wiggum, I'd suggest some classic literature or educational non-fiction.

Chief Wiggum:Great! I need something with big letters and lots of pictures.

Lisa:Those are board books for toddlers, Chief Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum:Exactly! I'm making a mobile for the baby. Gotta keep her entertained while I'm at the station.

Homer:An anonymous note? A secret rendezvous? This is it! I'm finally being recruited by the CIA!

Marge:Homer, it says 'potluck dinner.'

Homer:A code! A beautiful code!

Marge:It also says you need to bring a casserole.

Homer:My cover... blown.

Mensa member:Welcome to our secret organization. We only admit those with the highest intelligence.

Lisa:What are the entrance requirements?

Mensa member:You must answer this: Are you a cake person or a pie person?

Lisa:That determines membership?

Mensa member:Absolutely. It's the only thing that really matters.

Lisa:Mensa is an organization for people with IQ in the top 2%.

Lisa:Of course, I'm also a member of the International High IQ Society, which is even more exclusive.

Mensa member:Wow, you correctly identified all the constellations. You're clearly qualified to join Mensa.

Lisa:Really? That's wonderful!

Mensa member:No, I'm just kidding. You failed.

Mensa member:Well, we have Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, Marilyn vos Savant...

Lindsay Naegle:We need someone with your unique ability to talk down to people without them realizing it. It's a gift, really. Most people get defensive, but you... you make condescension sound like concern. That's the kind of talent we're looking for.

Lindsay Naegle:I produce meaningless business buzzwords and petty cheating manuals.

Mensa member:A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

Mensa member:Now here's a political one: Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Mensa member:No wait... A Santa at NASA.

Lisa:Actually, Professor, 'racecar' is a palindrome, but 'Able was I ere I saw Elba' isn't because of the spacing and punctuation.

Professor Frink:Gadzooks! You mean to tell me that in all my years of scientific inquiry, I've been classifying palindromes incorrectly? Zounds!

Homer:I'll use the name... Geraldo.

Photographer:Sir, these are pornographic photos.

Homer:I know.

Homer:I don't have body image issues. The only complaint I get is from the neighbors about my public nudity.

Librarian:We've decided to replace our books with a food court.

Marge:But what about reading?

Librarian:Reading? That's so 20th century. Now people can get their knowledge from the menu board.

Homer Simpson:Games? What games?

Mensa member:The library replaced all the reference books with video games.

Homer Simpson:That's the best thing I've ever heard!

Lisa:Oh no! They've destroyed the library! All those books, all that knowledge... gone!

Mensa member:Yes, and they've even burned the most obscure research materials. I had a first edition of 'Advanced Theoretical Physics for the Incredibly Gifted' in there!

Lisa:This is a catastrophe!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'll have you know this sweatshirt says 'I'm with stupid' and the arrow points outward.

Character:That's still nerdy.

Dr. Hibbert:No it isn't! It's a classical reference to the ancient Roman tradition of—oh, who am I kidding, it says 'Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.'

Lisa:This sweatshirt says 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing up at my brain.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, that's quite the meta-commentary on overly intellectual humor, isn't it?

Lisa:I suppose that's the joke.

Homer:So Lisa, how was school today?

Lisa:Well, Dad, we learned about the history of—

Homer:That's nice. Shh! My show is on.

Lisa:Dad, I want to tell you about what happened at school today.

Homer:Shhh!

Homer:I'm not comfortable with this photo shoot.

Photographer:Don't worry, it's completely professional.

Homer:Well, do you have any credentials?

Photographer:Credentials? What kind of credentials?

Homer:I dunno, like a license or something. I'm not taking my clothes off for just anybody.

Photographer:Try not to talk during the shoot.

Homer:Why?

Photographer:Because every time you speak, your stomach jiggles.

Lisa:I cast a spell on you!

Bart:That's not historically accurate. Galileo didn't use magic.

Lisa:It's a fantasy game, Bart.

Bart:Yeah, and in reality, Galileo invented the telescope, not spells. Get your anachronisms right!

Comic Book Guy:Ah, verily, I do perchance to gaze upon thy visage with great scholarly interest in the anatomical proportions as documented in classical Renaissance texts.

Tough Guy:I'm gonna break your legs!

Professor Frink:Well, technically, the subject-verb agreement is correct, but your use of the future tense suggests a hypothetical rather than an imminent threat, so I'd rate your menacing on a scale of 1 to 10, about a 6.5.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, alright, settle down. I'm here to investigate the complaint.

Chief Wiggum:So you're telling me the Kwik-E-Mart was robbed?

Apu:No, Chief, we called about the noise from the bar next door.

Chief Wiggum:Right, right. Well, I'm gonna need to search the premises for stolen merchandise.

Apu:But Chief—

Chief Wiggum:No need to thank me, I'm just doing my job. You folks at Moe's need to keep it down!

Lisa:You know, it's funny how power always flows to those who already have it, creating an endless cycle of inequality that the system is designed to perpetuate.

Mayor Quimby:I'm leaving this town and never coming back!

Mayor Quimby:Giddyup, you broken-down nag! Move it!

Chief Wiggum:Let's see here... 'The Chief of Police shall be... blah blah blah... constitutional rights... blah blah blah...' Hey! It says here I can have a pet ostrich!

Mensa Member 1:We could base our utopia on Plato's Republic.

Mensa Member 2:Or perhaps Thomas More's island of Utopia.

Comic Book Guy:What about Metropolis? It has Superman!

Mensa Member 1:That's not a real place.

Comic Book Guy:Well, what about... the planet Krypton before it exploded? It had advanced technology and culture.

Mensa Member 2:Yes, yes, a fictional advanced civilization. Quite intellectual.

Lisa:Your Honor, I move that we find the defendant... GUILTY! *pow* *bam* *kapow*

Judge:Young lady, this is a court of law, not a comic book.

Lisa:But Your Honor, with great jury power comes great jury responsibility!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I've analyzed the traffic patterns, and I've determined that eliminating green lights entirely will optimize flow.

Homer:So we just drive through red lights?

Dr. Hibbert:Precisely. No more stopping, no more waiting. It's the perfect solution!

Barney:An efficient traffic system? What's the point? I don't have anywhere to go anyway!

Mensa member:Dogs literally chasing educational achievement

Kent Brockman:Springfield has improved its standing in the national rankings! We've barely avoided last place, and we're setting our sights on Shelbyville!

Photographer:Now Homer, I want you to really feel the camera. Let the passion flow through you.

Homer:Mmm... passion.

Photographer:Yes! This is turning into something quite homoerotic.

Homer:Homoerotic? That's not right. It should be Homererotic!

Principal Skinner:As principal, I'm proud to announce Springfield Elementary will be the first school to adopt metric time. Ten hours per day, one hundred minutes per hour, one hundred seconds per minute.

Ned Flanders:Well, that's just crazy talk!

Principal Skinner:Not crazy, Flanders. Scientific. We'll also implement the metric calendar: ten months per year, ten days per month, ten weeks per month...

Homer Simpson:Wait, so how many days are in a month?

Principal Skinner:Yes.

Mensa member:Why don't we compromise? We'll do shadow puppets of things that are both light AND dark.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, that's impossible. You can't have something that's simultaneously illuminated and in shadow.

Mensa member:I know. That's why I suggested it — I figured you'd finally be happy with something that makes no sense.

Professor Frink:Behold! My sarcasm detector! It can identify any sarcastic remark with 100% accuracy!

Professor Frink:Oh yes, because that will definitely work.

Marge:Oh Homer, this is so elegant. Are we at the country club?

Homer:No, we're at Krusty Burger. I just put a candle in your Krabby Patty.

Homer:Every time I try to talk, someone interrupts me!

Marge:Homer, no one's interrupting you. You just never have anything worth listening to.

Professor Frink:Well, we've banned all the violent sports - boxing, football, hockey... And now we're banning any sport that could lead to body image issues.

Professor Frink:So that means no more gymnastics, figure skating, or synchronized swimming.

Professor Frink:Well, you see, if we restrict breeding, the population will decrease exponentially, which means fewer opportunities for, uh, mating and procreation.

Professor Frink:Of course, in my case, that would be no change whatsoever! Goyoyoyoy!

Professor Frink:My IQ is so astronomically high that I can calculate the exact rate at which it's dropping while I speak to you people.

Stephen Hawking:My IQ is 160.

Mensa Member 1:Mine is 187.

Mensa Member 2:Mine is 192.

Stephen Hawking:Mine is 1,860.

Mensa Member 1:That's impossible!

Stephen Hawking:So is talking with this voice box, yet here I am.

Stephen Hawking:Your society was on the verge of collapse. Now, you are a model of stability and peace. I can only conclude that you have accepted a false reality and the alcohol has cloud your judgement.

Homer Simpson:Mmm... Buzz Cola.

Fat Tony:We're gonna rise up against all these so-called intellectuals!

Mob member:Yeah! They think they're better than us!

Fat Tony:But we got morality on our side. Larry Flynt said so!

Mob Member 1:Hey, that's a good one!

Mob Member 2:Yeah, a real play on words!

Mob Member 3:Wait a minute... did you just make a pun?

Mob Member 1:Yeah, so?

Mob Member 2:That means you think you're better than us!

Mob Members:Get him! Traitor!

Stephen Hawking:In accordance with my predictions, I shall depart this planet momentarily.

Stephen Hawking's Computer:Does not compute.

Stephen Hawking:The mark of intellectual maturity is being able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Lisa:Wow, that's a great point.

Stephen Hawking:Of course it is, I'm Stephen Hawking.

Marge:Well, I think that if we could just all try to understand each other a little bit better, the world would be a much nicer place.

Stephen Hawking:Oh, come on. That's my line. I've been saying that for years through my computer.

Stephen Hawking:Your theory of quantum mechanics combined with your understanding of donuts is fascinating. Perhaps I've been approaching physics all wrong.

Homer:D'oh!

Stephen Hawking:In fact, I'm considering abandoning my career to follow your path of drunken wisdom.

Homer:Stephen Hawking? Who's that? Is he one of the guys from that band?

Marge:Homer, he's only the most brilliant physicist alive.

Homer:A physicist? Oh. Well, that explains why I don't know who he is.

Homer:I never said I'd pay the tab!

Stephen Hawking's Voice Box:D'oh!