Moe

Moe · Homer:What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there, sucking on a beer all day long. So? So, it's Christmas.

Bart Simpson · Moe · Bart Simpson · Moe:Is Mr. Freely there? / Who? / Freely. First initials 'I.P.' / Hold on. I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here?

Customer · Moe:You'll get that punk someday, Moe. / Ah, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Moe:Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got dealt a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.

Homer · Moe:You can't talk that way about my kids! Or at least two of them. / Why, you got two I haven't met?

Moe · Bart:Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. / Is Jacques there? / Who? / Jacques. Last name Strap.

Moe:Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

Moe · Homer:What, this one? D'oh!

Bart · Moe:Al Coholic prank call sequence

Bart · Moe · Bart:Hello. Is Al there? / Al? / Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.

Moe:Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!

Homer · Barney · Homer · Moe:Hey, Barney, am I a pig? / You're no more of a pig than I am. / Oh, no! / See? You're a pig.

Moe:Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.

Bart · Moe · Bart:Is Oliver there? / Who? / Oliver Klozoff.

Homer · Moe:Good morning, Moe's Tavern! It's the president.

Moe:Getting Washington and Lincoln's birthdays as separate holidays

Unknown worker · Moe:Keep the mutants coming! / I'll mutant you

Barney · Moe · Abe:Wow! Super-fish! / I wish the government would get off his back / That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood!

Moe:For the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher. One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!

Moe · Bart (caller):Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? / Hey, everybody. I wanna Seymour Butts!

Moe:You scum-sucking pus bucket! When I get you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

Moe:Not in public! / You'd better be dying!

Moe:Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull. I made my choice and I stand by it.

Moe · Bar Patrons:Homer Sexual. Wait one second, let me check. Homer Sexual! Come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!

Moe · Skinner:You little punk! If I get ahold of you... I'll rip your face off! You'll do what, young man?

Bart · Moe:Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?

Moe:One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

Moe:One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

Moe:I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

Moe:People are healthier and drinking less. If it wasn't for the junior high school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Moe:You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.

Moe:Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Moe:Bowie knife, troll doll... glass eye... Oh, here we are.

Moe:It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

Moe:Think my drink had something to do with it? Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.

Moe:You could, but I find this way is much more accurate, and fun.

Moe · Waitress:An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe. I'd prefer to vacation someplace hot. - Whoo! - Ha-ha! - Ow! - Whoo!

Moe · Waitress:I like your moxie, kid. You're hired. You shan't regret this. Methinks I shan't.

Moe:You tell him for me that he makes one great mozzarella stick.

Moe:Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? Uh... figure of speech.

Moe · Teacher:You're my kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are.

Moe:It's hard to say. He may have come up with the recipe but I came up with the idea of charging 6.95.

Bart · Moe · Hugh Jazz:I'm looking for a friend. Last name: Jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh Jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh Jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time.

Homer · Moe:You just lost yourself a customer! What? I couldn't hear you. I said, you just lost a customer! What? You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up. You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

Corporate rep · Moe:We're prepared to offer you $1 million. Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale.

Moe:The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar.

Moe:I sleep with a chick once it costs me half a million bananas.

Homer · Moe:The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

Moe:She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

Moe:Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.

Moe:Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer.

Moe:When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket...and paint my house with your brains.

Moe:Moe's Tavern... where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.

Moe · Chief Wiggum:Chief Wiggum, could you hand me... that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster.

Moe:you lucky moron

Moe:I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. Now it's the smell of victory.

Patron · Moe:Who's that old rummy? Before his dog got sick... that old rummy used to be my best customer.

Moe · Barney:Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. / He's bowling a 280.

Moe:Fudd? They took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.

Moe · Homer:Wait a minute. You went to another bar? / Moe, I was 100 miles out of town. / Oh, Homer.

Moe:Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Homer Simpson · Moe · Barney:Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. [Belches] Yeah. I need help.

Moe · Lisa Simpson:Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour. You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store... keeps such a trim figure. I've misjudged you.

Moe:I was a fool to think anyone would want Nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg.

Bart · Moe:Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name... Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.

Homer · Moe:You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place

Moe:Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there and be the best damn Barney you can be

Moe · Homer:Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Thanks, Moe. Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

Moe · Barney:Moe receiving valentine 'from your secret admirer' in meek voice, followed by Barney's romantic advances

Moe · Bar Patrons:Look who it is-- Mr. 'I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life.' / We hate 'im, right, fellas?

Barney · Moe:Yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- / Pipe down, rub-a-dub! / Ow.

Moe · Customer:You'll be back! And so will you... and you... and you. / Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.

Bart · Moe · Homer:Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon. What? What, is that it? Hey, Moe, can I look too? Sure, but it'll cost ya. My wallet's in the car. He is so stupid.

Moe · Customers:Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! Get with the times, Moe. Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it. All right. [Chuckling] Don't snap my undies.

Customer · Apu · Moe · Barney:How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Barney · Moe:I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Barney · Moe:Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. [Clucks] Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

Moe:We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

Moe:[Italian Accent] Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

Homer · Moe · Joey Jo-Jo:See, I got this friend named Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. [Sobbing] Bye, Joey Jo-Jo!

Moe:We don't need a thinker. We need a doer, someone who'll act without considering the consequences.

Homer · Moe:I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball... Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. / You're an idiot.

Moe:Chokin' on my own rage, here.

Moe:I heard you and Homer broke up, so I'm declarin' my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I, uh, brung ya some posies.

Moe:I come here, I get dressed up all nice-like... put my heart on the line, and I make a fool of myself.

Moe:I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!

Moe:She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!

Moe:Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.

Homer · Moe:Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, 'looks like.'

Moe:All right, you heard the man. One grenade each. Oh, Jeez. Really? You think so? All right, give them back. Come on. Everybody, give them back. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

Moe:It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose... and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.

Moe:But Blanche, you gotta help me out here! Please! I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're gonna take my thumbs!

Barney · Moe · TV Reporters:We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's. - I bid 10 G's. - Ten-five G's.

Moe · Homer · Marge:What you looking at? I'm just reading up on artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...

Moe · Barney · other bar patrons:A snake in the cash register! Yeah, great prank, fellas. Great.

Barney · Moe:Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I!

Moe:I'm burning up here! Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes.

Moe · Homer:Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now. That's not funny, Homer.

Moe:Sorry, Homer. You should've thought of that before giving me the sugar-me-do.

Moe:I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore

Homer · Moe:'It's Raining Men'? Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Stonecutters · Moe:Yeah. Well... Run.

Number One · Moe:This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall. Silence. I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient, mystic society of... No Homers.

Moe:Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh on to three years. Trouble a-brewing.

Moe:I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and you all try to guess what it is.

Moe:I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and you all try to guess what it is.

Moe:Let's go burn down the observatory so this'll never happen again.

Moe:I told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween.

Moe:However, since you have no collateral... I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Moe:Maps to movie stars' homes!

Moe:Money gets you one more round / Drink it down, you stupid clown / Money gets you one more round / You're out on your ass

Moe · Barney:Barney, this is a five-minute chip. It's worth a Pabst.

Moe:Well, these days, my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.

Moe:Please, please. Lx-nay on the Omar-may.

Moe · Homer:The garage. Hey, fellas! The garage. Well, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. Well, what do you call it? A car hole.

Moe:Well, that does it. That does it. I'm looking at his cards. Crap. I fold

Moe:I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.

Moe:Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Moe:Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Moe:How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!

Moe · Homer:You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Moe:Now, that's 'Moe' like it!

Moe:Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance.

Moe:Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

Moe:Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel.

Moe:I start with the best part- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices.

Moe:What the hell are you doing, you little freak?

Moe:I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill.

Moe:Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Moe:Oh, your 'teef' hurt, huh? Your 'teef' hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad!

Moe:Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

Moe:Surely he's not talking about VH1?

Moe:They never come around anymore now that they got their mistresses.

Moe:That's a funny-lookin' strike.

Moe:The Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row. They think they're so high and mighty just 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants.

Moe:Don't worry about nothin', Homer. I have a feeling that Mr. Burns is gonna have a little accident that might keep him from bowlin' with us tonight, heh, heh, heh.

Moe · Various:Well, I guess no one can. - Run, before they're through feeding!

Auctioneer · Moe · Various:How much for Krusty's bed? Half a buck. Sold! Good night, everybody. Good night, Moe.

Moe:Homer, you know, I support, uh, most any prejudice you can name... but your hero phobia sickens me

Moe:When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you!

Moe:Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Moe:Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.

Moe:You owe me $70 billion... No wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab's $14 billion.

Moe:Well, that's halfway there.

Moe:I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass. Do your worst.

Moe:Stay out of there! Oh! Good God, no!

Moe:It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jamboroo around here!

Moe:'Immigants.' I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

Moe:'Immigants.' I knew it was them!

Moe:Yeah, those are exactly my 'sentimonies.'

Moe:If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Homer · Moe:The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings. There you go! That's the spirit!

Moe:Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster... and salad bar all in a single meal. Dressing? Their choice.

Moe · Homer:Are you man enough to give me a 60 percent cut? Yes! I'll take it.

Moe:When I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979... I turned it into an office.

Moe:They called me 'Kid Gorgeous.' Later on, it was 'Kid Presentable.' Then 'Kid Gruesome.' And finally, 'Kid Moe.'

Moe:Oh, that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I've been meaning to empty that out.

Moe · Homer:Why not? I got knocked out 40 times in a row. That, plus politics. It's all politics. Lousy Democrats!

Moe:Punching isn't your thing, but that's okay. You're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there... while your opponent gets exhausted from over-punching. Then I can push him over. That's right. If the ref's not looking, you kick him a couple of times.

Homer · Moe:Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? No, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

Moe:No, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

Homer · Moe:What's this? That's the barbed wire. We called that 'the stinger.' They don't let you use that no more.

Lucius Sweet · Moe:for his glorious return to the shores of 'Fistiana'! Of what? His comeback fight. You know, boxing?

Moe:Yeah, but Homer's no boxer. He's just a freak. Tatum will fustigate him!

Moe:Tatum will fustigate him!

Moe:If he gets killed in the ring, it'll be because of your negative attitude.

Homer · Moe:Are you an angel? Yes, Homer. I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farrah slacks.

Lucius Sweet · Moe:Now take your check for $100,000 and get out of my sight! I don't need your stinking money!

Moe:I don't need your stinking money!

Moe:Well, what are dreams, Madam Marge? I was able to stick up for a pal.

Moe · Bart:Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Moe:No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.

Moe:I'm a well-wisher... in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Moe · Homer:Düff, from Sweden. - Wait a minute! This is Duff! - Ya got me, didn't ya?

Moe:Hey, wait a minute. This is real money.

Moe:Hey, this isn't faux dive! [Scoffs] This is a dive.

Moe:You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.

Moe:Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Moe:That was a scary couple of hours.

Moe:[Moe] Aw, for the love of crumb cake.

Moe:All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.

Moe:Then, when he's not expecting it- Bam! The old fork in the eye.

Homer · Moe:Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

Moe:Well-Ahh- I better go. I got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.

Moe:She told me she was washing her hair tonight.

Moe:I'm so desperately lonely.

Grampa Simpson · Moe:I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine.

Moe:Ah, kiss my dishrag.

Moe:Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.

Betty · Moe:I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone? - Uh, using the phone's a four-drink minimum.

Moe:So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back? I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant?

Moe:Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. Uh, ain't sunshine pretty? Ain't flowers stupid?

Moe:You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. It's just so rare and refreshing.

Moe:Um, uh, oh, uh, I might as well come clean with ya. I ain't too good at talking to women, and I really wanted to do ya... so I brought along the Love Tester to help me.

Moe:He's horny.

Moe:91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys

Moe:We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight

Moe · Lisa · Health Inspector:Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector? No, but I am. Uh, here, have a margarita. Uh, that's a parasol.

Moe:Yargh. And that's the story of the very first caramel cod. I mean, Halloween.

Moe:Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

Homer · Principal Skinner · Moe:Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal! Hey, now, that's uncalled for. Shut your hole, Skinner!

Moe:Well, it could've been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp.

Moe:I don't see what's wrong with this one. Oh.

Moe:Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatir.

Moe:Booze, booze and more booze. Nothir like a depressant to chase the blues away.

Moe:Nah. Just your screwy country.

Moe:It sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'.

Moe:everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a 'Neanderthal'?

Moe:What? No. Why? What? Why? What have you heard? Are you implying I'm in some sort of financial trouble? - No. - Well, I am. Let me have that card.

Barney · Moe · Homer:You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

Moe:What are you gonna do with all that 'kablingy'?

Moe:Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents.

Moe:Look at the outrageous markup. You magnificent bastard. I salute you!

Moe · Homer:And your stink brings tears to my eyes. Now wait a minute, Moe. [Sniffs] Oh. My mistake.

Moe:Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo.

Moe:Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe. Or, as the ladies like to call me, 'Hey, you, behind the bushes.'

Moe:Yeah, big deal. You got a wife. I got a rash. Who cares?

Moe:It's just- It's been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit... uh, woman.

Moe:Oh, she got homesick for her old life- diving for tourists' pennies in a Micronesian swamp.

Moe:No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.

Moe:Oh, yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't... fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?

Moe:Or maybe you'd prefer a cool, refreshing Bacardi colada. Because Bacardi makes the night... come alive with freshness.

Moe:No. I'm in love with you.

Moe:I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and... dead.

Moe:A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free 'daffy-dil.'

Moe:I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.

Moe:Gee, I'm sorry. I used to box, you know. My brairs- Well, it's kind of in and out.

Moe:Yeah, it kind of draws the eye away from the old mug.

Moe:Oh, what was I thinking? A beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me.

Moe:Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days... 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Moe:She's going out with me, cat!

Moe:I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off, laughing and clapping. Makes you wanna start poking eyes out... and slashing guts and kicking throats.

Moe:Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat!

Moe:I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here.

Moe:Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.

Moe:You bunch of ungrateful ingrates!

Moe:Nah, my car ain't won'th nothir.

Moe:When everybody said... you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?

Moe:Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh... this little toy man will represent the car.

Moe:I was just thinking... what a good parking job I did with it.

Moe:The train. You hear that? That's the train! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard? It's almost as sweet as your voice.

Moe:Hey! Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks. No, I mean, the parking lot.

Moe:Homer, you moron. - Homer, you genius!

Moe:Homer! Oh, how... could you?

Moe:Yeah. Yeah, that's a- That's a kick in the pants.

Moe:Oh, cripes, the puppy dog look.

Homer · Moe:You killed me! - Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-You're just in jail.

Moe:Hey, why did you say gay first?

Moe:Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses. We switch clothes with 'em and leave them in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around, like so. Then we light a match. And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii.

Homer · Moe:I really wanna sleep. I... also sleep. Good night, Mommy.

Moe · Homer:Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. / Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Homer · Moe:Mr. Sulu, make a left! / Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

Moe:[Baby talking] Oh, Mr. Snookums. Oh, I 'wuv' you so- What are you looking at?

Carl · Moe:That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe? Ah, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt? Damn, that's tempting!

Moe:Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV!

Homer · Moe:Can't someone else do it? That's perfect

Moe:He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Moe:Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it!

Barney · Moe:There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

Moe:Kill the horrid beasts. Then do away with their lizards.

Moe · Marge:Out of the way, Midge. - Oh, am I in the way? - Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? - Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. - You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all.

Moe · Edna · Apu:Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. - [Moe] Way to shove, Edna. - [Apu] Let us roll.

Moe:Moe at bar: 'When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?'

Moe:Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie.

Reverend Lovejoy · Moe:Don't make me come up there / Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking

Homer · Moe:It 'angries' up the blood. You like it, huh? Up yours!

Moe · Homer:No, no, no. Makin' polenta- that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here. / Really? Do you think it's dangerous?

Homer · Moe:It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure. No, no, no. Makin' polenta- that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here.

Moe:Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.

Moe:Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable. And are those your original lips?

Moe:Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Shove off, pukeholes!

Moe:We're working on that roach situation. I swear to God.

Moe:We're working on that roach situation. I swear to God.

Moe:Aah! It burns!

Moe:Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it. The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.

Moe · Homer:So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Yup. Right down to the scarf.

Homer · Moe · Barney:[Homer falls through floor] Geez. What an exit. Oh, man. What's he gonna do for an encore?

Moe:Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $10 a pill.

Moe:The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet.

Moe:It's easy to blame ourselves... but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Moe:Gasoline, axes. I got some stuff in the trunk.

Moe:It's the rapture! And I never knew true love. I never used those pizza coupons!

Moe:So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that working out for you?

Moe:Uh-huh. So, uh, where might this sea be located? Hmm?

Customer · Moe:Hey, Moe! Can I pay with a drawing? Yeah. Nice try there, twelve step.

Moe · Jasper Johns:I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers.!

Homer · Moe:Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here. Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye!

Moe · Homer:Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain. Maybe you should mind your own business. Afternoon, miss.

Moe:But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character.

Moe · Barney:Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Moe · Barney:If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-That boy ain't right.

Moe:The frame store? You monster!

Moe:Oh! Hey, Homer. It's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number

Moe · Patron:Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? Take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just sayin'. You ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune.

Moe · Homer:Hey, a duel? I, eh- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer. Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer.

Moe:As your life partner, I'm very worried.

Moe:A shred of what? Sorry. I was counting the cocktail radishes. Now, where was I? Uh, two, three- three radishes. Three big radishes.

Moe:Whoa-ho! Too much information! Thanks for the mental picture! Why don't you tell us what you really think?

Moe · Gary Coleman · Everyone:Uh, listen. I kind of banged up that Jeep in the driveway. What you talkin' about, Moe? What you talkin' 'bout, everyone?

Lisa · Moe:He told us he'd been going to the gym. [chuckles] Wow

Moe:Because I couldn't take that. I- I just couldn't. I- [sobbing]

Moe · Homer:Moe: 'How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?' Homer: 'Mmm. Danish.'

Moe · Homer:Moe: 'Once you get 12 miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.' Homer: 'They were so drunk!'

Moe:They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent... not express written consent, or so the legend goes.

Moe · Barney:That horse better win or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. - Yeah, that's a great tour. But you can't see it all in one day.

Moe:Oh, I really mean it though. I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast!

Moe:When I get home, there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars.

Homer · Moe:Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973... and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you. Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated... for this state and real.

Moe:Hey. 'Viva la'- 'Kiss Me'- What? Hey! Ah, for the love of Jeff.

Moe · Homer · Carl:Come on. Look at me. I'm a gargoyle... what, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips- Little rat eyes. Caveman brow. Don't forget that fish snout.

Moe · Marge:Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. But I'd look good on the outside, right? Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside. Plastic surgery it is!

Moe · Homer:But I'd look good on the outside, right? Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside. Plastic surgery it is!

Dr. Riviera · Moe:First, we must install buttocks. Nah, nah, nah, no luxury items. Just a face.

Moe · Dr. Riviera:Can the medical mumbo jumbo. Can you fix me or not? Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling... but this is a total teardown.

Dr. Riviera · Nurse · Moe:Ooh, boy, what a mug! Yeah. You should see his genitals. Would you like to see them? I'm awake here.

Moe:What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer... periodically emerging to sue you.

Dr. Riviera · Moe:Oopsie. We got some leakage. Let me just cauterize that for you. [Searing] [Moe Moaning]

Moe · Dr. Riviera:Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I? Yeah, but just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

Moe:A new life. A second chance... for revenge.

Moe · Duff Man:Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

Moe · Duff Man:Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man... can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!

Moe · Former Crush:Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing. Yeah. Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then. And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology?

Moe:Apology? Uh, geez. I wasn't expecting that. Uh- Run!

Moe:I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly... but never ugly-ugly.

Moe:I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly... but never ugly-ugly.

Moe · Soap Producer:Remember me? Twenty-five years ago... you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow. I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.

Moe:Hey, I got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching, and the feeling is indescribable.

Moe:Well, if they're gonna stomp on my dreams... the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes.

Producer · Moe:You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Soap Producer · Moe:You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. Pink pages always mean a dream. I thought dreams was on goldenrod. No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Moe:Nah, it's just as well. That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil.

Moe · Homer:And to think... I was about to sell the bar to Hooters. Yeah, you were- D'oh!

Moe:When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? Shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Don't make no-

Barney · Homer · Moe:You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered. / What are you, nuts? / I threw you a party at my house.

Moe:Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. Whoa. That's-That's a project I'm workin' on.

Barney · Moe:Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? / You wish. That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney.'

Barney · Homer · Moe:Oh. How embarrassing. / Well, how did this happen? / Oh, that. You've had that for a while.

Moe:Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer.

Moe:You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Barney · Moe:Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years. / Oh, that's okay, Barn. / No, it's not okay.

Barney · Moe:But at least I got that monkey off my back. [gulping sounds] Oh. [more gulping] Oh. / Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.

Homer · Moe:Moe, can I give you some shrimp for the road? Nah. I'll just take the ring pillow... and these, uh, seven presents I bring.

Moe:Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!

Moe:Good decision there, Homer. You showed a lot of poise.

Homer · Moe:There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people. - I don't know. Vengeance is good.

Homer · Moe:There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people. - I don't know. Vengeance is good.

Moe:Because of you, we're all takin' golden showers!

Moe:Homer, uh, booze is on the house... seeing as how Lisa is, um- Oh, how do I put this? Ridin' the midnight train to slab city.

Moe:Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet.

Moe:Oh! Why, Santa? Why?

Homer · Moe:Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? / No. / Not even a little one? / No! / What if I just whisper it! / No, I tells ya!

Homer · Moe:I'm detecting a distinct strain... of anti-intellectualism in this tavern. Power off, Einstein.

Moe:The old 'Crayola oblongata.'

Homer · Moe:Extended warranty? How can I lose? Perfect.

Moe:Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hugged the mailman!

Moe:Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.

Moe:Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with ya. I'll give you till three. One- [Body Thuds]

Moe:Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

Comic Book Guy · Moe:Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [Chuckles] Uh, these, they're just painted on there.

Moe:Hey, check it out. I'm surfing the net.

Virgil Sinclair · Moe:And you stalled for 20 minutes. Yes. Yes, I did. I was told to.

Virgil Sinclair · Moe:Bonbon, eh, Moe? Is that your ultimate response? - Yeah-huh. - Ohh. You are... correct!

L.T. Smash · Lisa · Barney · Moe:It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. - Super liminal? - I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! - Uh, yeah, all right. - I'm in.

Moe:Just stick the old eye gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.

Moe:I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh?

Moe · Comic Book Guy:Yeah. This place is more like 'Crazyland.' Instead of 'Praiseland.' I see. It's a play on words.

Moe · Homer:Hey, hey, no kids in the bar! Since when? The heat's been on since them bush girls were in here.

Homer · Moe:Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah. They're Italian. All right, hand them over. Moe, what the... Yeah, I Rob now.

Moe:And I've read the entire sweet valley high series.

Moe:Sorry, shaggy.

Moe · Homer:I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick. / Remember that? That was an amazing throw.

Moe:Look, I don't want to start a tinkling contest here. / Or do I?

Moe:Oh, don't look so proud. That was wind-assisted.

Moe:None. A Cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice.

Moe:When I first saw the movie ironweed, I thought, you know, this is for me.

Moe · Professor:Is 'crap-hole' one word? / Yes, if it's hyphenated. / Then I'll stick with crap-hole.

Moe:Do you have a cure for cancer? Because that would be great!

Moe:Hey, don't you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming? / Professor? / Oh.

Lenny · Moe · Homer:This place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future. / Yeah. You like it, homer? / Um... the rabbits are cute. / That one ain't moving.

Moe · Homer:It's po-mo. / Postmodern. / Yeah, all right. Weird for the sake of weird.

Moe:We don't serve duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than duff. It's made out of soy sauce.

Russian model · Moe:After chernobyl, my penis is falling off. / And 'penis' is Russian for...

Moe:Hey! Nobody calls moe St. cool a phony!

Moe:You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot.

Moe · Patron:Oh, you got one of them cell phones, huh? / Yeah. No cord at all on those.

Moe · Homer · Bart:My leg! Oh, geez! / Got that cat right in the leg. / Dad, you shot moe! / Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint!

Moe:It's like my dad always said, 'eventually everybody gets shot.'

Moe:Fine. Crap all over my theory.

Homer · Moe:Hey, you guys can come with us. No, no, no. He said 'Simpson family.'

Moe:Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I sleuthed my ass off on this one.

Moe:This is a shell that, to me, this is just me talking. It looks like a helmet for a mouse.

Moe:But if you ask the mice about it, they don't say nothing. I mean, they run the other way.

Lisa · Moe:You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says 'Hammermill' over here. Um... No.

Moe:Most clothespins swallowed, inserted... Here we go. Clipped to face and neck. 116.

Moe:No. The best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's Op-Center. That thing knows me better than I know myself.

Moe:Francis of Assisi. Francis of Assisi.

Homer · Moe:Oh, you mean Tennessee? No, the island of San Glucose.

Moe · Homer:I think he's grossed out by some seaweed. Ew! I touched it! Over.

Moe · Homer:Has everyone keistered their personal supply? 'Cause I sure haven't.

Moe · Barney:No! I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah. Let's do it!

Parade participants · Moe:We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! / You do this every year! We are used to it! / Spoil sport!

Moe:He's like a spy in the house of Moe.

Moe:Well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doing her right now.

Moe:Oh, yeah. Make me the bad guy.

Homer · Moe:Hey, Moe. Homer, listen. I need 50 grand. Don't ask me why. No, no. I need 50 grand! I asked you first! Fine. I'll send you 50 grand. Thanks.

Moe:This ain't no crow bar! This is a crow bar! See? They got the little stools and everything.

Moe:That's Russell Crow, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddley, Hume Crow-nyn, Gregory Peck.

Moe:You mutton heads! This is why we can never hold down a job.

Moe:I especially like his white shirt and blue pants.

Moe:Is that Windex? It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.

Moe:I cannot listen to this again!

Moe:Well, we've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out. I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day

Homer · Moe:Oh, man. What a day! I'd kill for a beer. Right away, sir. I don't want no trouble

Homer · Moe:I'd stab somebody for a pickle. Give me some peanuts. You didn't say you'd kill me. I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts

Moe · Barney:I got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me, yakking away on his cell phone. I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talking to? Your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Moe:Yeah. Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party.

Moe · Lenny:Now, uh, who's gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny. Anything for Homers.

Moe:Now all I got is my enormous genitals.

Moe:Wait a minute, I'm at work. You gotta pay for it.

Moe:Oh, yeah. I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.

Moe · Homer:We can eat the loser. Pfft. Who wants to eat a loser?

Moe · Homer:You could save McKinley. It's not a time machine, Moe.

Moe:Yeah. A kid should be real simple to kill. I'd come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick.

Moe:I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Homer · Moe:Whoa, Moe, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first? / Oh, crap.

Moe · Barney:Ha, ha, read them and strip, Barn. Uh-uh-uh-uh. Slowly. Make me forget my troubles.

Moe:Condoleezza Marie ain't too playful tonight. And I don't remember her being this granulated.

Homer · Moe:Well, what about in the sentence 'Jim Nabors is way cool'? It's on my apron.

Moe:Hey, spell 'Little Miss She-Thinks-She's-So-Big.'

Sea Captain · Moe:Are you hitting on me? Because I don't do that...on land.

Moe:Well, guess I might as well head back to my store. I got a date with some twins, the state and federal tax forms.

Moe:Uh, number one: Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?

Moe · Homer:Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club. Ho-ho, Moe, you lovable loser. You just made yourself $5. Whoo-hoo!

Moe · Curly:Three Stooges parody with aging health issues - 'He don't have health insurance' and 'that was my paralyzed side'

Moe:Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick.

Moe · Barney:For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor. - Yeah! And you was a girl, Joe!

Moe · Barney:Hey. You're not John Ritter. - And you ain't that gorilla from the zoo. - Meh. Eh.

Moe:No one's ever won Moe's 'drink a gallon of gin' challenge. And no one ever will.

Moe:No one's ever won Moe's drink-a-gallon-of-gin challenge. And no one ever will.

Moe · David Byrne:Watch it, Mr. Byrne. You'll slip on the simonize. - Simonize? [YELLS]

David Byrne · Moe:Wasn't that the hospital? - Uh, you ever see the movie Misery? - Actually, no. - Then this'll all be new to you.

Moe:Moe, Moe, Moe / How do you like me? How do you like me? / Moe, Moe, Moe / Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me

Moe:I don't think he's here. Uh, hang on. Let me check. [GRUNTS] Nope. What you wearing?

Homer · Moe:Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.

Moe:Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time to get out of the alcohol business... give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat. Who the hell am I talking to?

Moe:'Flower power my ass.'

Moe:'Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends.'

Moe:'I've been replaced by a cooler?'

Moe:'I'd prefer that you push me... seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact.'

Moe:'That smells worse than James Coco's ski boots.'

Moe:Moe thinks he's found someone worse off than him (a baby in a carriage) but the mother appears

Moe:'What's the gag? Is it full of chiggers?'

Moe:Aw, jeez, there's something in my eye. Oh, it's just some glass.

Moe · Maggie:Moe dislocates his arm to entertain Maggie

Moe:'Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button eye.'

Moe:'You know, it gave me kind of a good, warm feeling... like when you get drunk and fall asleep in snow.'

Moe:'I was gonna erase those apostrophes and replace them with G's.'

Moe:Why's she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose. Here you go, you little idiot.

Moe · Woman:'You calling her repellent?' / 'You ain't Karen Allen yourself, you know?'

Moe:Maggie, look what's in your ear. A penny. Okay, we won't tell no one about that.

Moe:'This must be a takeoff on that Alice in Underpants movie I saw.'

Moe:Ha. It's nice to be with someone... who can't understand the horrible things I say.

Moe:'White rabbit, chicks popping mushrooms? This is like the Playboy Mansion.'

Moe:'We could scare that movie producer... by putting a horse's blanket in his bed.' / 'Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong blanket.'

Moe · Maggie:Moe puts orange in his mouth like Vito Corleone and growls at Maggie

Moe:'And he shuts the door on Annie Hall.'

Moe:'Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa-I'm-Raising-A-Pervert.'

Moe:'Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.'

Moe:'Yeah, I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound.'

Marge · Moe:You have your own baby monitor in our child's room? Yeah, I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound.

Moe:'Last night at the bar, you called her Raquel.'

Moe:'Is that, uh, "get out" like "leave"? Or "get out" as in, "Get out, you banged Bridget Fonda?"'

Moe:'You guys mind if I, uh, kiss your tummies?'

Moe:Here's a clue. A discarded orange wedge. Orange wedge? [GROWLING]

Moe:'I'm president of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli.'

Moe:'Gee, ha. This is the second most guns ever pointed at me.'

Moe:'Oh, great. I'm caught in another tree.'

Moe · Crowd:I ain't got all day, Drama Queen. Get it over with. I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump.

Moe:And could you space out the meat so that it spells 'happy birthday, moe'?

Moe:Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. (Building collapses) That'll do it.

Moe:Wine? Geez. No one ever orders that. Umm... all I got is this old stuff here. 'Chateau latour-- 1886?' Oh, I should just throw this out. No, it'll have to do. That'll be four bucks.

Moe:Oh, what have I done? Let me dry my tears with this lost shakespeare play. (Sobbing)

Moe:Well, it's actually just a stepladder by the water fountain.

Moe:oh! What are you? You're like a monster! That's, like, the worst thing I've ever heard anybody do to anybody.

Moe · Homer:You should be drinking watered-down beer in a chipped glass on a stool with a nail sticking up out of it. Yeah, all right. But I get to poke you with a stick. (Both grunting)

Moe:What's with all those rappin' grannies in the movies? If I ever start rappin', just shoot me in the head.

Homer · Moe:It'S... another pair of edible panties! / now, that's sexual.

Moe:Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.

Lenny · Moe:Moe's not really a counselor. His parents dropped him off here, like, two years ago and they never came back for him. I sleep under upside-down canoes.

Moe:Patches, scars, stumps. Everything but zits.

Moe:I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose!

Moe:Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name! I will out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard!

Moe · Dr. Hibbert:Okay, well, I really enjoyed being you, dr. Hibbert. Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more.

Moe · Customer:This bar's only for real americans. And people on permanent visas, like me. What? What are you all looking at? I'm dutch.

Moe:Well, blow me down. I'm a Selma.

Moe · Marge:Nelson? I thought you were sleeping in the park tonight. Oh, that's okay, the kid don't bother me none.

Moe:I'll teach you to give me my first job out of prison.

Moe:Thank you, I bought for my funeral. There is no rear, then I do not ask me back. I paid for a coffin Molton, I bong and blood want to feel it.

Moe · Health Inspector:Oh, who are you, the health inspector? Yes.

Health Inspector · Moe:My pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out. That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike.

Moe:That sure was a good-soundin' bike...

Moe:Uh, well, ya see, trash day ain't 'til Wednesday, so...

Moe · Homer:No one's ever trusted me before-- except for that one guy who shouldn't have. That was me. Oh, yeah.

Moe:Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact.

Moe:And they've blocked my number.

Moe:And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Susie-Q or face-macer.

Moe:Hey, hold the phone. An English pub-- that just might work. In song... My bar could be British Instead of arm-pittish, so why don't we all... Eh, screw it.

Moe:Ah, yes, Detroit-style. Very nice.

Moe · Homer:Oh, Marge told me. We share everything. You do?

Moe:Oh, I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight. Oh no, wait. That's only on flights from Europe. We just get that little plane.

Moe:Time for some shuba-duba in Aruba.

Moe:That sounds like Homer. No it isn't. I don't hear nothin'. You're crazy. Get outta here. Will you marry me?

Moe · Homer · Marge:What's her favorite food? Ice? Wrong! It's buttered noodles. He's right.

Moe:At least I had a couple of sips from your Coke when you went to the bathroom.

Moe:At least I had a couple of sips from your Coke when you went to the bathroom.

Moe:I may have dodged a bullet here.

Moe:Know-it-all bitch.

Homer · Moe:Listen, I got to tell you, I chew in my sleep. Yeah, well, I sweat blood.

TV announcer · Moe:How could you afford this? I hustled a lot of pool. Uh, hey, you want to play? I got to warn you, I ain't that good.

Moe:My self-esteem sure didn't need that!

Moe · Unknown:What's in a martini? / Gin and vermouth. / And that makes a what? / A martini. / Never heard of it, but I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage deal.

Moe · Unknown:A lean cuisini? / Wrong.

Moe:You came from my back fat!

Moe · Moe Clone · Moe:You moron! Why did I ever think I needed a clone? Hey, I'm not the clone, you're the clone! Oh, please, not this again.

Moe:I cook a cake in the shape of bar stool favorite Lenny and you destroy.

Moe · Barney:Who wants frosting ass? I do not thank you the regime of Dr. Atkins.

Moe:I've done stuff I ain't proud of, and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

Moe:I'm gonna steal God's secrets and sell 'em to Satan!

Moe:You said the end was comin', so I sold the bar to some Japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity. Now them orphans got new skip ropes, and I end every day smelling like eel.

Moe:Cats are all over me.

Moe:I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh horses into jerky and sells it to bars.

Moe · Homer:You told me to call. You wanted to see if your phone was working. But what if marge tries to call while I'm talking to you? Ain't you got call waiting? Of course, I have call waiting, you idiot! I just never learned how to use it!

Moe:What's the confusion? Did you drink some frozen tea with a strange taste?

Customer · Moe:Hey, Moe, one might have to drink? Shut up and pass me to other heads of Moe.

Moe:Why is this Santa suit so snug? Why should I care? It's all humbug I've jacked my prices up so high but there's no junk these saps won't buy

Moe:Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition: Attempting to kill myself.

Moe · Barney:Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? But I already got you a wool hat. Maybe next year?

Moe:Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement... and a new rope!

Moe:It's for... a friend. Who's trapped in the body of another friend.

Moe:Meanwhile, I been paying for that billboard outside for a year now, and it's not yieldin' nothin'!

Moe:Hey, bar-boy, this table's wobbly. Come jam your foot under it.

Moe:Hey, bar-boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and captain Kirk.

Moe · Mr. Burns:Hey, bar-boy, dance around like an idiot. Like this! I'm so stupid! I'm a little busy. Can I do it later? Sure! You're gonna be all I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid!

Moe:She had gossamer hair, limpid eyes and the rack of an angel.

Moe:Me? Well... I, for a living? Well, there's, all kinds of things a fella can do, such as hemming and hawing and, but me, I'm a highly respected... therapist for alcoholics.

Moe · Barney:Barney, how do you keep getting back in? I'm a drunk. I don't know nothing about how I do anything.

Moe:As a result of which, Krabappel was letting me do her.

Moe:Listen, boozebags, I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up, I will out the one of you that is gay.

Moe:And if they're interested in wife-swapping, who am I to say no? Hey, I'm just the new guy.

Moe:You can't donate that gold to the museum today, because, it's closed, so they can clean under the wangs on the statues.

Moe:Love had handed me an awful dilemma. Should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him? I decided to do the right thing.

Moe:Back in a flash, my sweet little gargoyle!

Moe:But fate likes to play a little game called up yours, Moe.

Moe:I just sat there playing our song on the jukebox, one gold... coin at a time.

Lisa · Moe:Moe, will the gold bring back Edna's love? It could. Definitely.

Barney · Moe · Moe:Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America? / Just this. / God! Misfire!

Moe:I'm alone again... naturally

Moe:Homer's son's sister's right.

Moe:Little Moe Szyslak? Why does everybody call me that? Bunch of snot-faced pukebags.

Moe:The isotopes are winning? To the bandwagon!

Moe:It don't need no writing on it. It don't even have to be clean.

Moe:It's holding in my hernia.

Barney · Moe:What you doing, Moe? Drawing a wang on Marmaduke? Heck, no. I'm challenging myself with one of these, uh, Sudoku games.

Barney · Moe:What, that Japanese puzzle in which no numeral can be repeated in a row, column, or box? That's how it works? I was just drawing wangs on the numbers.

Moe · Homer:The Salvation Army? You got it. Not that Army, the one from Stripes!

Moe:Hey, some things mean more to me than money. Like a whole lot of money. Why did you just say that sentence fragment? Uh, it, uh--long story.

Homer · Moe:How would you like to be stacked naked in a pile with a hillbilly girl pointing at you and laughing? That was our last Christmas card.

Moe:Wow, uh... this'll be the first time I ever watered down my booze.

Moe:Wow, uh... this'll be the first time I ever watered down my booze. Moe, why are your eyes darting back and forth so much? Oh, I-I'm just thinking about a great tennis match I saw once, yeah.

Moe:Uh, uh, now I'm thinking about ping-pong. A... ver-very fast chess game. A... snappy David Mamet play.

Moe:Moe's increasingly desperate voicemail messages about his birthday fishing trip

Moe:Everybody hide! Finally, that jerk Homer is home. Oh, it's just his car.

Moe:Happy birthday to me, I feel so damn lonely, Won't someone kill me... And many more.

Moe:Happy birthday to me / I feel so damn lonely / Won't someone kill me... / And many more.

Moe:But you shattered my dreams like a Duff tall boy in a bar brawl, and you jammed the jagged neck right up my heart's butt.

Moe:Still in the top three. Still in the top ten.

Moe:I ain't no great man, like Bob Seger or Haystacks Calhoun.

Lisa · Moe · Woman:Moe, you live in a hotel? You're just like Eloise! Did someone say my name?

Bart · Moe:This vibrating massage chair feels great! That ain't a massage chair. It's just full of cockroaches. See?

Moe:I was in the Christmas pageant once. Mom showed up with a new boyfriend. He called me Steve.

Moe:What-which why-liot's the who-now?

Moe:It jumps out at you like a rat in your underwear drawer.

Moe:Screw you, snail trail! Who was that? Eh, some jerk making a prank call with a gag name: 'Tom Wolfe.'

Moe:You ever scrub your hands real fast, and you think you're seeing a third one? One time I looked down and there really was. I gotta get a new lock for that bathroom.

Moe:Whoa, clear water. Swanky! Woo-hoo.

Moe:Well, I dunno, uh... the only book I ever read was Super Hounds: The Ultimate Greyhound Betting System. So, uh, any of you wetnaps write that?

Moe:Hey, hey, hey. Hey, st... stupid geese, you're eating my brilliance. Hey, hey, I will break your beak.

Moe:Yeah, go on, you cowards. Fly off in a 'V'.

Moe · Audience:Elevator capacity: 2,400 pounds. Inspection Certificate available in hotel manager's office. You just pulled that off the wall of the elevator.

Moe:Ode to Lisa: Pointy-headed mini-muse, More friend than I deserved, You pulled me from the dirt, And made me the beautiful flower that I am.

Moe:Except for those two dudes I saw getting hitched. Not my thing, but I wish 'em well.

Moe:Except for those two dudes I saw gettin' hitched. Not my thing, but I wish 'em well.

Moe:My God, it's beauty-ful. I finally see the goodness in myself. Come here, you.

Moe:You're not alone anymore. No you ain't. Aw, you're shivering, are you cold?

Moe · Barney:Yeah, but then we'd have to stand there while we get the doors unlocked. Don't you have one of them keys that beeps the doors open? Yeah, but still.

Moe:Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due, but still, a lovely gesture.

Moe:I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' toilet, but, uh, no dames ever come in this joint.

Women · Moe:Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room? We need to trade bras and panties. Oh, you got to be kidding me!

Customer · Moe:You call this a drink? No, I never called it a drink.

Moe:I'm playing this while I'm on the can

Marge · Moe:You're a troll. / What? No. My character's supposed to look like me. Why does everyone keep thinking I'm a troll?!

Moe:I'm in the tub right now

Moe:If Homer had used some protection, we'd all be poopin' roses on easy street!

Moe:Lousy civilians. I wish I could burn 'em all.

Moe:People owe us because we're heroes. It's even on my business card. I printed them on the back of my old business cards. See? It's different.

Moe:Whoa, whoa, whoa. It ain't stealing if you take it fast.

Moe:It would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell!

Moe:It would be a shame if the next fire you fought was in hell!

Moe:Oh! This thing's hotter than Ellen Barkin!

Moe:But it's been in my family for over 40 seconds!

Moe:It's either milk or paint. It's paint. Or is it? Yeah, it's paint.

Moe:Well, then I'll have to charge you extra, depending on the color. Eggshell? No. Malabar ivory? No. Mediterranean ecru? No. Ah! Here it is...white.

Moe:Four 'Lobster-politans' comin' up.

Homer · Moe:A 'Forget-Me-Shot?' Never heard of it. Yeah, that means it worked.

Moe:You start with a splash of Jagermeister... then add sloe gin... Triple-Sec... Quadruple-Sec...

Moe:You stir it with a home pregnancy test till it turns positive...

Moe:Sure thing, mouse pad. Ten bucks.

Moe:I could really go for some kind of military dictator like, uh, Juan Peron. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared. Plus his wife was Madonna.

Moe · Homer:I don't sell booze no more. This is a cigar bar now. Fine. Cohiba me.

Moe:Move or die!

Moe:It's for my kid! Eureka!

Moe:Do the character voices!

Moe:Rip off the federal government? Mmm, I have reservations... for dinner in five minutes.

Moe · Manuel:All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, and then you got the job. / Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's, uh, actually me with a fake moustache. Es good job. You should take it.

Moe:Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's, uh, actually me with a fake moustache. Es good job. You should take it.

Lenny · Moe:Aw, I wish I was your son, too... Uh, Moe, Lenny's mom says she loves you.

Moe:It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.

Moe:This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day till the Irish people showed up.

Homer · Moe:I don't want your pity booze. I'll pay for it myself. / Nope, Lucky Lenny's buying all the drinks tonight.

Homer · Moe:And parlay with the Asian kid. He has a name, you know. What is it? I don't know. He's not my kid.

Moe:I'll take your money, but I won't look you in the eye.

Moe:Here's your money... drenched in your daughter's tears.

Moe:So the name 'Lisa Simpson' is available, huh? Lotta goodwill attached to that name. I gonna take it. Lisa's Tavern, Lisa speaking.

Kearney · Moe:Help me, almighty Moe! - Can't. I'm not really a god. I was just acting crazy to get out of jury duty.

Moe:Like Vance, it is smooth, cool and oh, so sophisticated.

Moe:Just so you know, some of them act like they hate America. But what they really hate are Americans.

Moe:If I was Marge's landlord, I'd fix up pipes, and I'd shower with flowers, and take her on a romantic getaway to the south seas, and I'd never return.

Moe:If I was Marge's landlord, I'd fix up pipes, and I'd shower with flowers, and take her on a romantic getaway to the south seas, and I'd never return.

Moe:You wanna slow dance with a goat, I'll be doing a lot of things, but judging ain't one of them.

Moe:The law? That jerk!

Moe:All I remember about him is he was part of a complete breakfast.

Moe:Oh, my God! She fainted! Let's go get smelling salts! Suckers!

Moe:Jeez, can't a guy clean his bar for the first time ever without people making polite inquiries?

Moe:Ah, just how I like it: warm and rusty.

Moe:Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Moe:Dast I click on this JPEG? No. I dasn't. Yes, I dast!

Moe:All right, before I send this, I'd better, uh, un-beady the eyes, de-Neanderthal the brow, smooth out my hate lines, lighten up the ear hair, switch my lips, then, black tie the whole deal.

Moe:Aw, I can't build a relationship on a lie. The lies come later.

Moe:Oh, frabjulous day! Calloo Callay!

Moe:Oh, oh, you want Homer? I'm sorry, I thought you meant Himmler. Heinrich Himmler. You know, the guy who invented the Heimlich 'manure'? Those are two different people!

Maya · Moe:Moe, I'm down here. / Oh, you're a little person? / No, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Uh, what-what's the correct term? / Little person. / Whoa! Look at me being polite!

Moe:So, Maya, um, have you always been this size, or is this like a Benjamin Button deal?

Moe:What, are you kidding me? You're the best thing to come into this bar since cable TV. And unlike cable TV, I ain't stealing you from the Chinese restaurant across the street there.

Moe · Maya:Let me get a car seat. / Car seat? / Yeah, I took out the passenger seat to save gas, but I'm gonna use it now 'cause we're gonna do the town!

Moe:So instead of getting a new bar sign, I saved 300 bucks by changing my name to Moe.

Moe:Yeah. I practice by siphoning gas out of other people's tanks.

Moe:But I never tasted super-premium that was half as good as you.

Moe:It's like my heart wants to do her.

Moe:No. Hey, no. Hey, a lot of people live in trees. Uh, Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears, flood victims.

Moe:'Cause I am a snake handler, but not an observant one. If we have kids, they just have to have a ceremony with a cobra by age three so their grandfather will be happy.

Moe:She's a stand-up dame, and he's a fall-down drunk.

Moe · Maya:Hey, what's going on? Whoa. You turned into a doll! / I just do that to freak people out.

Moe:Well, as long as you don't mind having a small wedding. And-and we can drink champagne out of an acorn top. Our first dance will be on the head of a pin!

Moe:I've been hogging all the good ones. All right, now you go, but, uh, hey, keep it short!

Moe:Oh-Oh, forgive me, kitten. I mean cat. I mean, tiger. I mean saber-toothed tiger. I mean... aah.

Moe:How long do you people remember things?

Lenny · Moe:The one time I did, I went to jail for three years. / You made some good friends, didn't you? / Just 'cause you're chained to a guy don't make him your friend.

Moe:Tomato, tomahto. Now, how am I gonna win Maya back?

Moe · Carl:But what if it blows up in my face? / Uh, with your face, who cares?

Dr. Nick · Moe:Now close your eyes, and when you wake up, you will be a woman. / No, no, no, no. I-I want to be shorter for a woman. / Uh-oh! I mixed you up with the last guy.

Moe:I see you every time I look at the moon. I see you in puddles after it rains. I see you in the glazed eye of a barfly who's had one too many.

Moe:And can you wrap up the bones so my dog can have fun with 'em?

Moe:Who'd have thought such a little woman could make me feel so big?

Moe:My invitation didn't say nothing about no towels, so, I guess we should all just go Scandinavian.

Moe:Maybe I'll make her a heart out of construction paper. I- I-I cannot do it!

Moe:Hey, I ain't got no problem with them. They pay in cash, they keep it clean, and their mythology is rich and enchanting.

Barney · Moe:Hey, Moe, what is that hoity-toity beer they're drinking? Oh, I don't sell beer no more. I only serve Aquavit, the Norwegian caraway-scented liqueur.

Moe:That stuff will open up a can of 'oh my goodness' on you.

Moe · Multiple Characters:The Klan? Well, there are no bad ideas, but let's keep trying. The Nazis? Okay, you stop trying.

Moe:My code name will be 'Screaming Eagle.' Yours will be 'Ground Losers.'

Moe:A little tip: you might want to wash me before you eat me. Thank you.

Moe:Must be another mouse in the pipe. Let's see if this cobra solves it.

Moe:Like taking beer from a baby!

Moe · Marge · Homer:Um, Marge, Homer, uh, just ran out saying he don't love you, and he never did. He what?! Help me! That, uh... that's me. I've been taking ventriloquism lessons. Help me or kill me!

Moe:That, uh... that's me. I've been taking ventriloquism lessons. Help me or kill me!

Moe · Marge:The reason I left you is simple. I'm gay?! Yeah, read on. It gets gayer.

Moe · Marge:The other day, I ran into an Irishman. Oh, really? No, O'Reilly.

Moe:My taste for romance is kinda perverse. I can only make love in the back of a hearse. Plus I gotta be dressed as a Civil War nurse.

Moe:And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse. But you could do worse.

Homer · Moe:I wonder if Moe misses us. - No, I don't miss you. Now, get back to my bar for happy hour, or I'll paint the snow pink with your brains.

Moe:Easy there, Habitrail.

Moe:You want to 'buy a round?' I heard about that in bartending school, but I never seen it happen.

Moe:By express, I mean that you express your anger and hatred.

Moe:I moved here 'cause on a calculator, the zip code spells 'boobs.'

Moe:It's a town filled with winners and skinners.

Moe:Handsome, suave, debonair. (sneezes) Hey, get the camera off of me. I'm narrating here.

Moe:Are you seein' what I'm seein' here? This omniscient point of view has got some surprising bonuses!

Moe · Don Pardo:Whatever that Don Pardo gets paid, it ain't enough. / Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine. And I'm making it right now.

Moe:All right, calm down there, 'Pu and she-Pu.

Moe:You see this? I'm playing the world's smallest sitar for you.

Moe · Timothy · Helen:Now, don't you jive me, Tim. Just take your thumb and put it over her mouth. (growling) See? Looks like that she-cano is about to blow!

Moe:* Krakatoa, East of Java * never spewed a hotter lava * than a mount Saint Helen who's mad at you *

Moe:I bought some roadside corn, ate it raw, got a kernel in my teeth, flossed with the corn silk

Moe:Think of it as a wake-up call from a man who ain't got nothin' but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. Should not have used helium.

Moe · Comic Book Guy:This seat taken? / Uh, yes, I'm saving it for... this soy sauce packet.

Moe:Aw, man, you know you're a loser when they don't even work hard on the excuse.

Moe:Thanks a lot, everyone. Choke on yourselves.

Moe:Check it out. Two train wrecks connected by a strip of leather.

Moe:I don't wanna say it's ugly, but PETA called and said we should kill this one.

Moe:Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog!

Moe:Wow, they love me for my bile. And I got a spleenful!

Moe:No, no, no, I don't need your fair-weather friendship... is what I'll say tomorrow morning!

Moe · Barney:Can you make it sound like girls askin' me? / Oh, Moe, please do it! Oh! Please? Moe, please? / Okay, you crazy dames, I'll do it!

Moe:Yeah, that's right! Scatter, ya cockroaches!

Moe:Looks like you ate a Rastafarian, and he's comin' back up on ya!

Moe:You talk like my ass plays harmonica.

Moe · Assistant · Moe:Can I have another corpse? / They weren't corpses. / Uh-oh.

Moe:Don't let this pasty face and bad teeth fool ya.

Moe:Did you just say 'Armenian Idol'? 'Cause that's my favorite show!

Moe:It's like somebody stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach.

Simon Cowell · Moe:I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here. I get it. I get it. That-That's your thing.

Moe:you should be on Broadway chargin' a hundred bucks a ticket.

Moe · Barney:Legally, I can't say. / To a drunk man, that's a yes.

Moe:There is one bright side: I'm also forbidden from ever watching Fox. / You can't even show it in the bar? / That's right, and business has never been better.

Moe:Hi. I'm Moe. It's good that little kid left, 'cause this song is gonna get into a very dark area.

Moe · Comic Book Guy:Hey, speaking of stats, I'm none too pleased about your ratio of seats occupied to beers ordered. You mean our SOBO?

Moe:Oh, why did I advertise my drink specials in Scientific American?

Moe:Yeah, Seaside Heights ain't Maui, but, uh, you take what you can get.

Moe · Apu:Oh, I can't shoot him. I've got him next. Well, that is your bad luck, because he is mine right now. Come back in half an hour. He can be your accomplice.

Moe · Homer · Moe:Hey, if it moves, you can bet on it. What about the Detroit Lions? Now, now, lay off Detroit. Them people is living in Mad Max times.

Moe:There's no such thing as a Birditarod. It was just a trick to scam you out of your house.

Moe:Nein, nein, why did I go to the 9:00 show?!

Moe · Theater performers:Glinda, Madame Morrible, flying monkeys there, can you tell me how I can get back to my bar? Moe, you've always had the power to get back to the bar.

Moe:You slip the guy 100 bucks, and your record is as clean as... Uh, I ain't got nothing, uh, clean to compare it to.

Moe:My Scotch is a Scotch and water.

Moe:where they drink for fun, instead of here, where, uh, horrible addiction compels you.

Moe:That was my grandmother's wedding urinal!

Moe:Don't you dare question the gospel according to Dr. Swig McJigger.

Moe:Total disaster. A complete bomb. Utter failure. Uh, dream I painted.

Moe:the Tony Awards are that night, and I'll be too keyed up to have fun.

Moe:I was gonna have to move in with Ma, who's dead and doesn't have a house.

Moe:I am Angel Moe.

Moe:everybody vogue!

Moe:Hey, Smithers, I didn't know you were a geezer-pleaser.

Moe:tonight I've got a long-overdue manscaping.

Moe:Now we can afford real bowls of pretzels instead of trompe l'oeiling them on the bar.

Moe:instead of trompe l'oeiling them on the bar.

Moe:I thought it was an inventory issue. That's a big relief.

Moe:My name is Moe Szyslak, and I'm here to elect me.

Moe:I only read Hustler to see the pictures of Larry Flynt.

Moe:I only read Hustler to see the pictures of Larry Flynt.

Moe:At first, I was only gay for your money.

Moe:I just wish you people could know what it's like to want acceptance.

Moe:Well, so who you gonna vote for, me, or a Republican whose record is so anti-gay, he's clearly secretly super gay.

Moe:Like Frisbee golf, I'm glad I tried it once.

Moe:Puttin' everything back. Undo. Undo. Undo. Sports page back over the urinal, and done.

Moe:Stir a drop of Jagermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry ChapStick, call it Cupid's ambrosia

Moe:Do you have plans for tonight? What, are you crazy? Of course I do. Got a hot date. Come on, scram, so I can get ready.

Moe:I'm telling you, I'm fine. I never been happier. See? There. There, that's a smile, right? Showing teeth, eyes all crinkly.

Moe:Even you let me down, Hitler!

Moe:I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.

Barney · Moe:is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up free escorts? Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Moe:As a kid, I had roundworm. Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years.

Moe:I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave.

Dr. Kissingher · Moe:He can't more handsome or appealing than you. Let's take a flip through the old Moe-lodex.

Moe · Professor Frink:What if I see her hand at the same time you see her face? Face beats hand!

Moe · Barney:He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers. Pfft! Dungeon?! We can leave anytime we want.

Moe:I was wondering when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.

Moe:Moe going through elaborate shooting ritual including kissing and 'Mmm' sound before shooting

Moe:Moe's prank call: 'Text message for I.M.A. Wiener. As you all can see, I.M.A. Wiener.'

Moe:Moe's texting mishaps: 'Oh, damn it, I typed an F and not a D.' 'Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti!'

Moe:You two look good. Open-casket good.

Moe:You mean your windup hate crime?

Moe:Just, uh, lining up all the presidents, nice and neat

Moe:My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!

Moe:Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat

Moe:You're at Moe's tavern-- lady-free since '83.

Moe · Homer:Whatever the job is, I'm not interested. A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.

Moe:I like the beat, play me the tune. We're taking down kids who read. Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach. But what's the cream?

Homer · Moe:Tween-lit gang-write? But this Babar needs a Zephyr. A Zephyr? You're the Zephyr.

Moe:So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes and the medals-- nobody knows how they earned them.

Moe:Everyone head for a different airport, and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces.

Moe:Hey, I ain't a troll. Look, I bleed red, just like you. Th-The first part is always green, but it turns red.

Moe:I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: Preludes and Nocturnes-- no one spies on us!

Moe:Let's acid melt him in a bathtub!

Moe:I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here.

Moe:I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here.

Moe:It's always a dame.

Neil Gaiman · Moe:It's simple, Moe. I don't like the taste... of poison. Ah... crap.

Moe:Quit making me fat!

Moe:Man, this Web site makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer. I am sitting here... zero sheets to the wind... counting the moments to closing time when I can stumble home to you. Another round, Moe.

Moe:Uh-oh, did I type that? Delete! Delete! Hm, typing 'delete' does not delete.

Homer · Moe:Hey, Moe, who's your best friend? Uh... Well, uh... Well, I just made friends with Pepto-Bismol on Facebook, and, uh... um...

Homer · Carl · Moe:Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your 'best friend,' the bar rag. Me, too! Witty.

Moe:No way I would abandon you, Raggie. You're my best friend.

Moe:I mean, my darling, I was looking at myself in the side view mirror.

Moe · Marge:They're here! The monsters are here! Moe, it's me, Marge. I'm your friend. The monster queen is coming on to me!

Moe:Maybe he's right-- we are jerks. You want I should spray some of my Jerk Off on you?

Moe:Unplug these people, Dr. Ker-dork-ian!

Moe:Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk out of your gears? White vinegar. Yeah.

Moe:Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.

Moe:Look, I'd love to discuss your problems, but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and today's the day I make my stand.

Moe:Stranger things have happened, Homer.

Moe:Four acts... blasphemy.

Moe:Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things: runaway monorails, NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.

Moe:That plank's only for coming in!

Moe:Try to land on the other traitors.

Moe:That's why I wrap my plums in tinfoil every day.

Moe:Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register? I've gotta get drunk before a party.

Moe:A poker site is now safer than an American bank. Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot-- come to this?

Moe:Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot-- come to this?

Moe · Customer:So, you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad? Absolutely. But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics?

Moe:I am turning my back because I can't stand to look you in the face.

Moe:Too late. I already poured.

Moe:Duff Adequate.

Moe:Wow, no one's ever been happy in this place before.

Moe:And when I started it was Moe's Ice Cream Carnival-- not good.

Moe:Thank God there's no alcohol in this bar, or this place would really go up.

Moe:I don't know-- everything crappy about this place, they like. Even the rats.

Moe:Hey, hey, read the sign, pal, no acronyms. You see? And that goes for the rest of youse, too! Okay, okay. Hey, in this bar, we say 'Old Kinderhook!'

Moe:Woman are life's great mystery, along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant?

Moe:I know a date that will turn this mighty Aphrodite into your purple rose of Cairo. Those are movies I made. It's my oeuvre. It sounds dirty, but it's not.

Moe:It's like my second wedding night, except more walkouts and there were no refunds.

Moe:He asked for, um... ...Mike Rotch. And then what did you say? Well, I said, um... I said, 'Mike Rotch.' Um, 'Mike Rotch.'

Moe:I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.

Moe:I've been reading that, uh, Fifty Shades of Grey, and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give them what for in the bedroom there.

Moe:'Sheriff Andy took Barney in his arms and kissed him deeply, then said, Now, if Aunt Bee asks, we were down at the fishin' hole.' I-I can't be the only one who likes this.

Moe:Now, for chili, that's just dandy, but I brought you a little backup.

Moe:He was the number two man from Shelbyville. Introduced angle parking. We got in six more cars.

Moe:That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler.

Moe:Ah, this thing's just loaded with rock salt. I use it to keep the raccoons out of my fridge. And, of course, to coat the rims of my margarita glasses.

Moe · Homer:You bring in the lost sheep, and the others will follow. / Lost sheep. Yes! Sis boom bah!

Unknown · Moe:To hell with your references. We're dying here. / I'm more frog than Moe.

Moe:I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon. Hexa or octa? Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.

Moe:Eh, who am I kidding? They don't care about me.

Moe:I'm begging you, please, please show me some love! Yeah, it's nothing like that.

Automated system · Moe:You said, 'Business problems.' Is that correct? No! I got nothing and no one! You said, 'Face sucked off by vacuum cleaner.' Is that correct?

Bart · Moe:Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Ron, first name Moe. Moe Ron? Moron.

Homer · Moe · Barney:Who's the president now? Some jerk. He's back!

Moe:Ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time.

Moe:Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the movies I like to watch.

Moe:Wow, look at all them countdown clocks. Acres of rainforest left, deaths by lung cancer. It's magical.

Moe · Homer:Gentlemen's Whorehouse? Whoa, ho, ho! No, no, it's a Wearhouse.

Moe:Nah, it's a 44 long. I wear a 38 hunched.

Salesman · Moe:Tent City is across the street. Tent, eh?

Moe:'Sorry, pal'? Hey, that's common courtesy. The kind I've only seen in movies. This suit is amazing!

Moe:Dirt. Carpet. Another layer of dirt. Congoleum. Hardwood! The perfect floor for doing a happy jig.

Moe:Wow, non-losers? Huh, I never thought I'd see the day.

Moe:It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.

Moe:That is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl-parts that I have ever seen.

Moe:This building's got 98 floors! And I'm going down to P-6! P-6!

Moe:I didn't go to movies as a kid. Spent all my time at the pierogi factory. Dab the potato, fold the dough. That was my Star Wars.

Moe:Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin, Celeste. That was my takeaway.

Moe:Oh, no. That's just gasoline and hot dog water.

Moe:♪ Four best friends ♪ Who never quarrel ♪ Homer Simpson, Lenny, Moe and... ♪ And... And no one.

Moe:If I ever see that Carl again, I'm gonna freeze him, chop him up into ice cubes and scoop him into the urinal trough at the Gathering of the Juggalos!

Moe:You say he's black!

Moe:When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.

Moe:my doctor says it's better for me not to sleep

Moe:Save that sugar for your coffee, bub.

Homer · Moe:Why the hell are you calling me at home, you moron?! / Lovejoy went to get a hamburger, and the whole thing fell apart!

Moe:Yeah. I sell 'em on the Internet for like-minded people.

Moe · Homer:I am the Borax. I speak for the woods. But I've plastered my likeness on consumer goods. Sellout!

Moe:I don't got no candy, I only serve beer. And who said that you could bring minors in here?

Moe:So, uh, anyone here from New Jersey? I'm goin' there next week.

Moe:Of all the kisses I have ever gotten in my life, that was the first.

Moe:Yeah, well, at least you got your health, huh? Now let's see if I can take that away from you. Your poison.

Moe:I'm just teaching myself massage here with online videos and a store mannequin.

Moe:Moe saying 'Chicks do not like finding out they're being spied on. I speak from loooooong... experience'

Moe:Moe explaining his ideas come from 'Pretty much all my friends are divorced guys'

Moe:If you see the stork what brings us babies, kill it!

Moe:Not 'sauce,' 'source.' Source! S-A-U-R-C-E!

Moe:Hmm? Oh, damn, the plaster's flaking again.

Barney · Moe:Don't worry, Homer, I'll call the cops! / I'll write my senator. / Senator! Senator!

Homer · Barney · Moe:I got a date with my daughter! / Yeah, we all been there. / No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

Homer · Moe:I got a date with my daughter! / Yeah, we all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

Moe:If, uh... you know, after a respectful period of grief and whatnot, uh... yous would like to have some coffee, please give a call.

Moe · Marge:Ah, hey, Midge. Uh... here we are again, ah? / Yeah... / And, oh, uh, here, uh, my new card.

Moe:You know what? No. I'm tired of getting my hopes up here. You and your immortal husband can go take a flying leap, huh?

Moe:Stupid Moe. You just had to act like yourself, didn't you, you jackass?

Moe:Eh, welcome fellow barkeeps, gin-slingers, and beer jerks.

Moe:Mom-and-pop bartenders can't compete with big box stores like Booze Barn and Hooch City.

Moe:Nick Fury, Agent of Schnapps; Sex in the Batmobile; and Wolveriskey.

Moe:Here, check out my, uh, portfolium here.

Moe:Nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers. Huh? I must've left my wallet at home. All right, take them, take them!