Days Of Wine And Dohses

Homer:Ah, trash night. In France they call it 'la nuit de poubelle.' In Germany it's 'crappenfest.'

Homer:I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.

Homer:And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.

Cletus:Lookee here! Cardy-board tubes! Now we can have indoor plumbin', just like they's got at the women's lockup.

Cletus:They spoilt you, Brandine. Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.

Jimbo · Kearney:Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie. He'll pay a lot to get this back. Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.

Comic Book Guy:It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks comics. Worst crossover ever.

Homer · Bart:Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. / Dad, that's a sports bra. / All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.

Homer:Hey, Vinnie. How's about a pizza? / I got-a no job.

Homer:Get out of my dreams and into my car.

Homer:I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.

Homer · Ned:Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki! / Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that?

Ned · Homer:A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so- / Irregardless! I am your god now.

Homer:I am all power- [Screams] I'll be at Moe's.

Barney:So I says to the cop, 'No... you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!'

Homer:Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, glummy?

Barney · Homer · Moe:You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered. / What are you, nuts? / I threw you a party at my house.

Moe:Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. Whoa. That's-That's a project I'm workin' on.

Barney:I'm just sayin' that when we die... there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese... and we'll all be a lot happier.

Barney · Moe:Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? / You wish. That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney.'

Barney:Well, I'm off to market. [High-pitched voice and burp]

Homer:Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours- Oh, it's just Barney.

Barney:Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag! [gulping and growling sounds]

Barney · Homer · Moe:Oh. How embarrassing. / Well, how did this happen? / Oh, that. You've had that for a while.

Homer:I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without- morning-after stationery.

Homer:Can you imagine this booze-bag at the wheel of a whirlybird? He'd be all, 'Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!'

Barney · Homer:So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? / Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.

Homer:Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like driving a car.

Moe:Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer.

Moe:You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Barney:All right, world. Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumble. [immediately] Whee! Give me a beer.

Barney:Santeria, you're the greatest.

AAA Employee:I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.A. This is Triple 'A.'

Homer · AAA Employee:My name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to Saint Louis. / East Saint Louis? / Is there any other Saint Louis?

AA Leader · Homer:I see you finally hit rock bottom. / Not a chance. I can sink way lower.

AA Leader · Gil:And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic? / Oh, no, I never touch the stuff. But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.

Homer:Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doin'. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps?

Helicopter Instructor · Barney:Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds. / I got a coupon. / Okay, get in.

Helicopter Instructor:You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer.

Helicopter Instructor:One sec. Testing, black box. One, two. [Screaming]

Helicopter Instructor:It's okay. That's what the diapers are for.

Bart · Lisa · Rainier:Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? / Check out the gut. / It's for a movie. I'm playing a fat secret agent.

Homer · Lenny/Carl:Are you trying to make me the new Barney? / Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.

Lenny/Carl · Homer:Now dance, rummy. / O-Okay. [humming and dancing]

Barney · Homer:You danced for hours just because they told you to? / If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.

Homer:He hangs newspapers over the urinals now. You can read the sports page while you pee. Very la-di-da.

Barney:Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer...

Marge · Homer:Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. / But you got me. Who have I got?

Homer:Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends-

Marge:Old friends stick together, like O.J. and A.C., or the Falcon and the Snowman.

Homer:Oh, why can't I have a nickname?

Homer:Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.

Barney · Homer:Beer, huh? / That's right. / Enjoy. / That I will. / Then we agree. / You keep thinking that.

Bart:Crescent moon! Crescent moon!

Homer · Lenny/Carl:To me, you're true-blue. / Aw, thanks, big guy. / Now dance, rummy. / Okay.

Barney · Moe:Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years. / Oh, that's okay, Barn. / No, it's not okay.

Barney:I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet... and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

Burt Reynolds:Well, I play Jerry 'Fireball' Mudflap... a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.

Homer:Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Barney · Homer:You can't drink 'em all. / Oh, yes, I can. / I'll- [Homer drinks them] Ew, it's warm.

Homer:I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation. [snoring]

Barney:You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife.

Bart · Homer · Lisa:You did it, Dad! / You can't prove I did it. / No! You saved our lives.

Bart · Homer · Lisa:You did it, Dad! / You can't prove I did it. / No! You saved our lives. / I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Marge · Bart:Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film. / Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.

Marge · Bart · Lisa:Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage. / What? / How could you? / Just kidding. I would never do that.

Homer · Barney:So what do you call this stuff? / A double tall mocha latte. / It's not bad. Well, it ain't beer.

Barney · Moe:But at least I got that monkey off my back. [gulping sounds] Oh. [more gulping] Oh. / Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.