After being embarrassed by a drunken video of himself, Barney vows to sober up. Newly clean, he gets work as a helicopter pilot.
WAR
58.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Days Of Wine And Dohses” ranks #236 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 79.2 — Elite. The episode packs 68 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Burt Reynolds: Well, I play Jerry 'Fireball' Mudflap... a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.
Barney · Moe: Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? / You wish. That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney.'
Marge · Homer: Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. / But you got me. Who have I got?
Barney · Moe: But at least I got that monkey off my back. [gulping sounds] Oh. [more gulping] Oh. / Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.
Barney Moe Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch AAA Employee: I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.A. This is Triple 'A.'
All Jokes — 68 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Ah, trash night. In France they call it 'la nuit de poubelle.' In Germany it's 'crappenfest.'
Homer Wordplay/Pun Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Cletus: Lookee here! Cardy-board tubes! Now we can have indoor plumbin', just like they's got at the women's lockup.
Cletus Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Cletus: They spoilt you, Brandine. Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
Cletus Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jimbo · Kearney: Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie. He'll pay a lot to get this back. Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.
Comic Book Guy: It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks comics. Worst crossover ever.
Homer · Bart: Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find. / Dad, that's a sports bra. / All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.
Homer: Hey, Vinnie. How's about a pizza? / I got-a no job.
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: Get out of my dreams and into my car.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer · Ned: Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki! / Hey, Flanders. Can your god do that?
Ned · Homer: A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so- / Irregardless! I am your god now.
Ned Homer Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Homer: I am all power- [Screams] I'll be at Moe's.
Homer Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Barney: So I says to the cop, 'No... you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!'
Barney Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Homer: Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, glummy?
Homer Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Barney · Homer · Moe: You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered. / What are you, nuts? / I threw you a party at my house.
Moe: Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. Whoa. That's-That's a project I'm workin' on.
Moe Cringe/Discomfort Misdirection ★ Rewatch Barney: I'm just sayin' that when we die... there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese... and we'll all be a lot happier.
Barney Character Comedy Absurdist Barney · Moe: Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? / You wish. That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney.'
Barney: Well, I'm off to market. [High-pitched voice and burp]
Barney Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Homer: Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours- Oh, it's just Barney.
Homer Misdirection Character Comedy Barney: Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag! [gulping and growling sounds]
Barney Cringe/Discomfort Physical/Slapstick Barney · Homer · Moe: Oh. How embarrassing. / Well, how did this happen? / Oh, that. You've had that for a while.
Homer: I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without- morning-after stationery.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: Can you imagine this booze-bag at the wheel of a whirlybird? He'd be all, 'Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!'
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Barney · Homer: So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? / Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.
Homer: Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like driving a car.
Homer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Moe: Wait. That ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer.
Moe Character Comedy Observational Moe: You mean it's not? Oh. Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.
Moe Character Comedy Callback Barney: All right, world. Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumble. [immediately] Whee! Give me a beer.
Barney Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Barney: Santeria, you're the greatest.
Barney Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun AAA Employee: I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.A. This is Triple 'A.'
Homer · AAA Employee: My name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to Saint Louis. / East Saint Louis? / Is there any other Saint Louis?
AA Leader · Homer: I see you finally hit rock bottom. / Not a chance. I can sink way lower.
AA Leader · Gil: And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic? / Oh, no, I never touch the stuff. But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.
Homer: Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doin'. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps?
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Helicopter Instructor · Barney: Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds. / I got a coupon. / Okay, get in.
Helicopter Instructor: You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer.
Helicopter Instructor: One sec. Testing, black box. One, two. [Screaming]
Helicopter Instructor: It's okay. That's what the diapers are for.
Bart · Lisa · Rainier: Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? / Check out the gut. / It's for a movie. I'm playing a fat secret agent.
Homer · Lenny/Carl: Are you trying to make me the new Barney? / Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
Lenny/Carl · Homer: Now dance, rummy. / O-Okay. [humming and dancing]
Barney · Homer: You danced for hours just because they told you to? / If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.
Homer: He hangs newspapers over the urinals now. You can read the sports page while you pee. Very la-di-da.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Barney: Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer...
Barney Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Marge · Homer: Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. / But you got me. Who have I got?
Homer: Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends-
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Marge: Old friends stick together, like O.J. and A.C., or the Falcon and the Snowman.
Marge Dark/Subversive Observational Homer: Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Barney · Homer: Beer, huh? / That's right. / Enjoy. / That I will. / Then we agree. / You keep thinking that.
Bart: Crescent moon! Crescent moon!
Bart Character Comedy Absurdist Homer · Lenny/Carl: To me, you're true-blue. / Aw, thanks, big guy. / Now dance, rummy. / Okay.
Barney · Moe: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years. / Oh, that's okay, Barn. / No, it's not okay.
Barney: I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet... and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Barney Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Burt Reynolds: Well, I play Jerry 'Fireball' Mudflap... a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother... while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.
Homer: Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?
Homer Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Barney · Homer: You can't drink 'em all. / Oh, yes, I can. / I'll- [Homer drinks them] Ew, it's warm.
Homer: I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation. [snoring]
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Barney: You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife.
Barney Character Comedy Absurdist Bart · Homer · Lisa: You did it, Dad! / You can't prove I did it. / No! You saved our lives.
Bart · Homer · Lisa: You did it, Dad! / You can't prove I did it. / No! You saved our lives. / I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
Marge · Bart: Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film. / Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.
Marge · Bart · Lisa: Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage. / What? / How could you? / Just kidding. I would never do that.
Homer · Barney: So what do you call this stuff? / A double tall mocha latte. / It's not bad. Well, it ain't beer.
Barney · Moe: But at least I got that monkey off my back. [gulping sounds] Oh. [more gulping] Oh. / Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.
Barney Moe Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons
