Barney

Barney · Homer:I got me a part-timejob working as a Santa down at the mall. Wow! Can I do that?

Homer · Barney:Thirteen bucks? you can't get anything for 13 bucks. Allright! Thirteen bigones! Springfield Downs, here I come!

Barney · Homer:Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

Barney:A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it

Barney · Homer:Isn't that your wife, Homer? / Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on.

Homer · Barney · Homer · Moe:Hey, Barney, am I a pig? / You're no more of a pig than I am. / Oh, no! / See? You're a pig.

Barney:Stop whining, chrome dome.

Barney:So he has one less ivory back scratcher.

Barney:Oh, no! An election? That's when they close the bars, isn't it?

Barney · Moe · Abe:Wow! Super-fish! / I wish the government would get off his back / That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood!

Barney · Homer:It's not so bad. You'll die someplace else. What do I do about friends? You'll make new, better friends.

Barney:I'm gonna miss you too. Not.

Barney:Amen!

Barney:You're better off. Rich people aren't happy. They think they're happy but trust me, they ain't.

Barney · Homer:Nobody's here! Nobody's here! / Damn those answering machine tapes!

Barney:Hey, Homer, go to the window. Hey, neighbor! I can see you!

Barney:What did you do? Kill a judge?

Barney:What did you do? Kill a judge?

Barney · Police:Forty-eight dollars and 70 cents. / We don't usually take rusty money.

Young Homer · Barney:Boy, you don't gain a pound. It's my metabolism. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Barney:There's gotta be a girl nobody wants to take.

Homer · Barney:-Hey, would you like to go--? -She's mine!

Barney:He's all things to men and maybe to a lucky gal. Wanna go to prom with me?

Barney:After the fight, we can watch the still photos on the news.

Barney · Homer:I can still taste the sauce. And get this: It's all-you-can-eat! This is like some beautiful dream!

Barney:Don't look at me!

Homer · Barney:Like my wife's ugly sister. Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not picky.

Marge · Barney:My sister's not going out with Barney Gumble! She's no prize pig herself, you know!

Barney:Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding!

Barney:It's pretty stupid, but so far you're the front-runner.

Barney · Burns:Beat him up. You got it. Wait. What is it? Nothing. Wait. What? Beat, but... don't kick. Got it. Wait. What?

Marge · Barney:What did Homie do anyway? He saved Mr. Burns' life.

Barney:Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples?

Barney:I pictured everyone in their underwear-- the judge, the jury, my lawyer-- everybody. Did it work? I'm a free man.

Barney:Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

Barney:Uh... me. Right here. I'm drunk right now.

Barney:Oh, it's me.

Barney:You want a bad night? Try sleeping... on one of these.

Barney:I make them with two kinds of cheese.

Barney:The sooner I get her out... the sooner we can have omelets.

Barney:Ha-ha! Cops can't win!

Wade Boggs · Barney:England's greatest prime minister... was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder!

Moe · Barney:Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. / He's bowling a 280.

Barney:I want to whip eggs at the warm-up act

Barney · Homer:Yeah, you going to be okay? Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse. That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.

Homer Simpson · Moe · Barney:Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. [Belches] Yeah. I need help.

Homer Simpson · Barney:Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! [Gasps] Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist. Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up.

Amber Dempsey · Blimp pilot · Barney · News reporter:Hi. Can I drive? Well, I can't see the harm. [Barney Yelling] Oh, the humanity!

Barney:I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

Barney:[Gasps] Moe, don't throw out that brine

Barney · Homer:Say hello to the Plow King. Barney, you stole my idea

Homer · Barney:Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her? Ah, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while

Barney:Hey! Where have you been all my life?

Homer · Barney:There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch

Barney · Homer:When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

Homer · Barney:Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - [Belching] Bart.

Moe · Barney:Moe receiving valentine 'from your secret admirer' in meek voice, followed by Barney's romantic advances

Barney:Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff--

Homer · Barney:I'm trying to knock you out. / Ow! Cut it out! / Ow! Ow!

Police Officer · Barney:Think you can get this car home? / Sure thing, giant beer.

Barney · Moe:Yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- / Pipe down, rub-a-dub! / Ow.

Homer · Barney:Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

Willie · Barney:Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife. [Loud Kiss] Now thar's a lonely man.

Barney · Casting Director:Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a 'duh, duh' idiot.

Barney:Actually, I'm supposed to be a governor. [Burps]

Barney · Homer:Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.

Homer · Barney:Barney! How'd you like to sing for our group? Sure! Why not? Now whar's me toothpick?

Reporter · Apu · Barney:Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Barney · Japanese Artist:Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places. Number eight. [Belch]

Customer · Apu · Moe · Barney:How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Barney · Moe:I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Barney · Moe:Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. [Clucks] Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

Barney:It's been done. [Tires Screech]

Homer · Barney:I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group... and I hope we passed the audition. I don't get it.

Barney:Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?

Homer · Barney:It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet. That's exactly how Dillinger got started. Really?

Barney:Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again. Not a good sign.

Barney:It was on one of these bar napkins.

Barney:Whoa, Marge! You gotta watch out. Your little boy Bart could have been eaten by that pony!

Barney · Barney:Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. - Wow! Free beer!

Barney:I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.

Barney · Bart caller:See the boy-- five dollars. Or call him 24 hours a day on BartChat. Are you Bart? Sure, I am. I didn't do nothin'. Uh, isn't it, 'I didn't do it'? Yeah, whatever.

Homer · NASA Official · Barney:Be an astronaut? Sure. Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends. [Gasps] Respect? Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call! I do it all the time! Check with the F.B.I.! I have a file! I have a file!

NASA Official · Barney:Oh, and, Mr. Gumble, for the duration of the training, there'll be no more beer. What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy!

Barney:Since they made me stop drinking... I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. [Singing Tongue Twister]

Barney:Ohh, the walls are melting again. Personally I think I'm overdone.

Homer · Barney:Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you! Hey! Look, Homer's got one of those robot cars. One of those American robot cars.

Barney:Hey, I don't want no people in here with their 'evils of alcohol' rap.

Barney:'And truly she was my friend Flicka.' [Sniffs] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt!

Barney · Homer:You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? Souvenir.

Barney:You have a straight flush, Homer. G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you--

Quimby campaign worker · Barney:This time, he's the lesser of two evils. Yeah, yeah, I love Grimby.

Barney:They'd be much happier as ghosts.

Barney · Moe · TV Reporters:We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's. - I bid 10 G's. - Ten-five G's.

Moe · Barney · other bar patrons:A snake in the cash register! Yeah, great prank, fellas. Great.

Barney · Moe:Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I!

Barney:Oh, it's funny and it makes you think.

Homer · Barney:Barney, any chance you can get me a job? Hey. Sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place.

Barney · Uncle Al:Hey, Uncle Al, can Homer have a job? Sure. Barney, you're fired. Okay.

Barney:Radio reception in there sucked.

Barney:Hey, Homer, how come you got money to burn? Or singe, anyway.

Homer · Barney:Pumpkins? Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January.

Homer · Barney:And bang! That's when I'll cash in. To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper... who's growing out of the middle of your back!

Girl Scout · Barney:Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die.

Girl Scout · Barney:Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Marge · Barney:Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize... a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. / Just hook it to my veins!

Moe · Barney:Barney, this is a five-minute chip. It's worth a Pabst.

Marge · Homer · Barney:Illegal gambling in my house? Your house? Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas. Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!

Barney:Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!

Barney:Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

Barney:Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Barney:Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

Barney:Wait. That was all a dream. Aw! Hey, then maybe I haven't become a hideous, drunken wreck.

Homer · Barney:Um, uh, what town did we just crush? - Shelbyville.

Barney:Ah, but, Moe, the dank- the dank!

Barney:Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers.

Barney:Oh, right. How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power?

Barney:I mean, half these bottles ain't even mine.

Barney:Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute

Barney:There's an exit?

Barney:Holy smokes! You need booze.

Barney:You know what really 'aggravateses' me is them 'immigants.'

Barney:Man, you'd never get me into a ring! Boxing causes brain damage.

Barney:Just make sure he hits you an even number of times, so you don't end up with amnesia.

Barney:Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson.

Homer · Barney:How long have you been here? - Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

Barney:Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Barney:Okay. But I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.

Barney:You are one fine lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that!

Barney:So I says, blue M&M, red M&M- they all wind up the same color in the end.

Barney:Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.

Barney:Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

Barney:Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

Barney:It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet!

Barney:Well, that's the end of me.

Barney · Homer:This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky.

Homer · Barney:Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Barney:I knew we could do it!

Barney:Hey, everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less!

Barney:I can't! I'm the designated driver!

Barney:No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold

Barney:All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner

Homer · Barney:You can't tell me what to do. [Tone] - [Higher-pitched Tone] - Nothing yet. - [Very High-pitched Tone] - [Both Screaming]

Barney:[Chuckles] Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

Barney:I've been carried out of Moe's like that hundreds of times.

Barney:This lot is withdrawn. [Belches]

Barney:With the what now?

Barney:Hold on there. I'm countir on that.

Barney:Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct

Barney:Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends

Barney:We did it. We beat cancer

Barney:Out of my way, shorty!

Barney · Moe · Homer:You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

Homer · Barney · Grampa:You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man.

Homer · Barney:Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. Yeah, she's quite a gal. You shut up.

Barney:Mine is! [Belches]

Barney · Barney's son:You gotta poke 'im with a stick. / I don't want to go to school today! [Snores]

Carl · Lenny · Barney:Moving the whole town five miles down the road. It's crazy! Yeah, it's something, all right. So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too

Bart · Barney:And look! Barney's not even drunk yet. Morning, boys. Can't stop to chat. Time is money.

Barney:Yeah, I always figured Marge would be a dynamo in the sack, you know? Oh, boy, she's got legs from here to ya-ya!

Barney · Moe:There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

Homer · Barney:Kent Brockman? Please. - Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star. - I might have.

Homer · Barney:Homer's celebrity memorabilia truck: 'You heard right. Twenty dollars.' Barney: 'Oh! Hundred-year-old stuff.'

Barney:I didn't quite get the point of it. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off?

Barney:Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.

Barney · Patron:Hey, who's on first? Touchdown!

Barney:Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing.

Barney:Yeah, I hear that President Clinton is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.

Barney:Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.

Homer · Moe · Barney:[Homer falls through floor] Geez. What an exit. Oh, man. What's he gonna do for an encore?

Barney:Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be

Barney:Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.

Moe · Barney:Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Moe · Barney:If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-That boy ain't right.

Barney:Um, how 'bout one not touching your ass?

Barney · wife:Eight kids? Mmm. I'm sterile, right, baby doll? Yes, dear. From the nuclear plant. Beautiful.

Barney · Moderator:We could try selling liquor. Uh, I'm doing great. Please, sir. Put some shoes on. What? You don't like my bags?

Barney:Makes me think I should have done something with my life. Oh. well. [Slurps]

Moe · Barney:That horse better win or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. - Yeah, that's a great tour. But you can't see it all in one day.

Carl · Lenny · Barney · Homer:Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? Is Barney that drunk? [Moans] Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? [Sighs] Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought!

Barney:So I says to the cop, 'No... you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!'

Barney · Homer · Moe:You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered. / What are you, nuts? / I threw you a party at my house.

Barney:I'm just sayin' that when we die... there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese... and we'll all be a lot happier.

Barney · Moe:Gee. Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? / You wish. That's the stage we call 'Professor Barney.'

Barney:Well, I'm off to market. [High-pitched voice and burp]

Barney:Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag! [gulping and growling sounds]

Barney · Homer · Moe:Oh. How embarrassing. / Well, how did this happen? / Oh, that. You've had that for a while.

Barney · Homer:So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? / Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.

Barney:All right, world. Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumble. [immediately] Whee! Give me a beer.

Barney:Santeria, you're the greatest.

Helicopter Instructor · Barney:Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds. / I got a coupon. / Okay, get in.

Barney · Homer:You danced for hours just because they told you to? / If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.

Barney:Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer...

Barney · Homer:Beer, huh? / That's right. / Enjoy. / That I will. / Then we agree. / You keep thinking that.

Barney · Moe:Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years. / Oh, that's okay, Barn. / No, it's not okay.

Barney:I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet... and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

Barney · Homer:You can't drink 'em all. / Oh, yes, I can. / I'll- [Homer drinks them] Ew, it's warm.

Barney:You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife.

Homer · Barney:So what do you call this stuff? / A double tall mocha latte. / It's not bad. Well, it ain't beer.

Barney · Moe:But at least I got that monkey off my back. [gulping sounds] Oh. [more gulping] Oh. / Ha, ha. Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody.

Barney · Homer:Like you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock. Oh. Oh, right. Okay.

Homer · Barney:Are those ears? Ow! Not so loud!

Barney:And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.

L.T. Smash · Lisa · Barney · Moe:It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal. - Super liminal? - I'll show you. Hey, you! Join the navy! - Uh, yeah, all right. - I'm in.

Barney:But they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.

Barfly · Barney:Hey, you know what's even better? Is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns. Yeah, but a lot harder to catch.

Barney:Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

Character · Barney:Well, they used to give us champagne till somebody ruined it. Do they really think he'll do better with fruit?

Barney · Homer:And calling us 'dumbasses.' / Which we're so not.

Homer · Barney:What do you call it? Human feeling. / Yeah. Maybe you should... What's the expression? / Go back there. / What's the word I'm searching for? Uh... / Yeah.

Barney:That fortune really nailed me, and my winning ways.

Barney:Why, look. It's Chad Sexington! Hey, baby! I'm that guy you like.

Barney:Congratulations. I feel ridiculous.

Barney:It was hard on me, too. I had to wear a suit.

Barney:Wow! That's it. I'm off the hooch. Hey, wine!

Barney:You know, she can put that mole anywhere on her face.

Barney · Apu:Is my carton of Pixy Stix in? No, it hasn't come in yet. Damn it! When they come in, you call me at this number.

Moe · Barney:No! I'm having one. Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah. Let's do it!

Duffman · Barney · Homer:What beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains? How about ancient hop grain juice? Beer! Beer! Beer!

Barney:Ooh. Duff luck. I never would've figured that out. That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.

Barney:That's gonna buy him a lot of swings in the old batting cage.

Barney · Homer:Yeah. But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning. I nearly died. / I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.

Barney:One drink won't hurt... Hey, you're right. I was afraid it would start me drinking again, but it didn't!

Barney:Watch and learn, you dinks.

Barney · Carl:If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes. Yeah. But what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

Barney:You don't even have to feed the fish, 'cause squirrels drown in it

Barney:We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!

Moe · Barney:I got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me, yakking away on his cell phone. I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who are you talking to? Your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar!

Barney:Sorry, Homer. I'm a coward now, like all recovering alcoholics.

Barney · Homer:Can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Barney · Otto:Let's take Mr. Figgy Pudding down a peg. Otto, what are you waiting for? Get your ass on my neck.

Barney:Oh, great. And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.

Barney:All right. A people tooth. Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day. There. Now I is like Britney Spears.

Barney:Yeah. At least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart.

Barney:Ah. Well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.

Barney:He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.

Barney:Maybe someday I'll turn into a swan. [Sighs] Oh, God.

Moe · Barney:Ha, ha, read them and strip, Barn. Uh-uh-uh-uh. Slowly. Make me forget my troubles.

Barney · Homer:Yeah, and some of them's gotta be chicks. Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs.

Barney:On Dasher, on Dancer. Man, I must be wasted.

Barney:That's what beer has done to me.

Moe · Barney:For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor. - Yeah! And you was a girl, Joe!

Moe · Barney:Hey. You're not John Ritter. - And you ain't that gorilla from the zoo. - Meh. Eh.

Barney:I'll bet somewhere there's a horse drinking coffee

Homer · Barney:Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.

Barney · Kids · Marge:Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no.

Barney · Homer:That light's a little bright. You think you can move it? Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.

Barney:This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talkin' malfeasance here.

Barney · Marge:This is a pamphlet for chimney sweeping. Is it, marge? Is it? Oh, it is.

Barney:We're your buddies. Now, come on, homer's kids' principal, have a beer.

Homer · Barney:you know, I wish I had an exciting life, like that class picture photographer. / Oh! How many women has he had in that van? / Two that I know of.

Barney:Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer. Ya dumbass.

Barney:I'm gonna go listen to the president's weekly radio address. And not the rebuttal! Good-bye, homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect.

Barney:Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of?

Barney · Others:Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on.

Barney:Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy. A rat's gnawin' off your toe.

Barney · Chloe Talbot:How 'bout a half hour of pity sex? / Is there any other kind?

Barney · Chloe:How 'bout a half hour of pity sex? Is there any other kind?

Barney:I can't go to a gay bar-- I'm too fat.

Barney:My first credit card. Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.

Barney:Ooh, get her a Life Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine.

Homer · Barney:Easy, Barney. Easy. Remember the 12 steps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

Moe · Barney:Who wants frosting ass? I do not thank you the regime of Dr. Atkins.

Barney:Lie naked on our roof? Cause that girl's school says I can't do that no more.

Moe · Barney:Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? But I already got you a wool hat. Maybe next year?

Barney:You could hang a cow with that thing!

Barney:Dang. Homer ain't coming. And Nelson saw something funny.

Moe · Barney:Barney, how do you keep getting back in? I'm a drunk. I don't know nothing about how I do anything.

Barney · Carl:Don't pigeonhole us. We have other vices. I dress up like a baby.

Barney:Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.

Barney · Moe · Moe:Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America? / Just this. / God! Misfire!

Barney:Hey, if boner here is gettin' cuts, I want 'em, too.

Barney · Moe:What you doing, Moe? Drawing a wang on Marmaduke? Heck, no. I'm challenging myself with one of these, uh, Sudoku games.

Barney · Moe:What, that Japanese puzzle in which no numeral can be repeated in a row, column, or box? That's how it works? I was just drawing wangs on the numbers.

Barney:Ooh, Moe's a poet! He has a soul! Flutter your wings! It's tea time in Buttercup Junction!

Barney:Ooh, you love a man!

Barney:Wow, even I ain't hoping for porn.

Moe · Barney:Yeah, but then we'd have to stand there while we get the doors unlocked. Don't you have one of them keys that beeps the doors open? Yeah, but still.

Barney:What's the matter, Declan? Did a cop give you a ticket for talking like a fruit?

Barney:- That's an ad for shoe inserts. - What the....? I've been writing creepy letters to that?

Barney · Declan Desmond:An action movie where I play the Pope who kills the president? No, that's a terrible idea. Yeah, I know. It's stupid. I think it could work, though. I've even got a title: Pontiff No Return. I came up with it, but I don't really get it.

Barney:Well, gee, Homer, you, uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.

Barney:You know who I can't stand? That Robin Williams. You know, one time I saw him eating dinner with his children. He wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.

Barney:And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even cosign her mortgage.

Barney · Homer:We'll move to another table. Yoko.

Barney:I really want to hook up with Homer. Now we both know that ain't gonna happen, but, uh, I'm right here.

Homer · Barney:That's a one-hour parking zone, and you've been here a good 81 minutes. Correction: a great 81 minutes.

Barney · Carl:Huh, good joke, Homer. You can unhook my car now. Uh, looks like he's driving away with it.

Barney:Well, well, look who's strolling down Alzheimer Avenue.

Barney:Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop.

Barney:I'm a registered... something.

Barney:I wasn't trying to steal your watch. I-I was just comin' on to ya.

Barney · Lurleen:Say, Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 'Cause 'Jamaican' me crazy. / That's sweet, but I'm not lookin' to date. / No, I'm glad you said that. 'Cause you reminded me that I'm not looking a David.

Barney:Fine. Lemonade's for babies anyways. I'm going to Moe's, for beer!

Barney:You're better than us!

Barney:Remember I taught you your ABCs. A-B... P-K... R...

Barney · Moe:Hey, Moe, what is that hoity-toity beer they're drinking? Oh, I don't sell beer no more. I only serve Aquavit, the Norwegian caraway-scented liqueur.

Barney:There's something wonderful about being drunk outdoors.

Barney:I think that's the best thing 'cause then you can say, 'Well, there's nothing we can do about it.'

Barney:That's right! I bought the winning ticket! And now I can buy back all the blood I sold!

Barney:I just go around saying that, in the hope it'll be applicable.

Barney:Yeah, blow me some sports!

Ned · Barney:Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in? Zero times.

Moe · Barney:Can you make it sound like girls askin' me? / Oh, Moe, please do it! Oh! Please? Moe, please? / Okay, you crazy dames, I'll do it!

Barney:I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price in natural lighting!

Moe · Barney:Legally, I can't say. / To a drunk man, that's a yes.

Homer · Barney:I hate guys that just push buttons all day. You just push buttons all day.

Barney:Oh, man, I'm never coming down! Ah! Whoo-hoo! Another ladder! Riding high! Sinking low! Top of the heap! Oh! Down I go! On top for good! Oh, cruel hubris!

Homer · Barney:Look at them renovations! / And... finished!

Barney:There's never any chicks here. Somehow, there's more no chicks here than usual.

Barney · Moe:is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up free escorts? Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Moe · Barney:He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers. Pfft! Dungeon?! We can leave anytime we want.

Barney:Hello, Harvey. I've probably had enough. Eh, a little more couldn't hurt.

Homer · Marge · Barney:These are from a key party we went to before we realized what a key party was. We got out of there just in time. / Aw, come on. You'll miss all the sex.

Barney:The guys at the AA meeting will never believe this.

Barney:Ha, all my friends have birthdays this year.

Barney:Hey, if we learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money. Do a lot of people pay? No, but I can also play three-card full Monty.

Barney:Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Now you see it, now you don't.

Barney · Marge · Homer:Another good man bites the dust. Homer! I'm talking about this guy! I mean, I envy Flanders, once again enjoying the joys of marriage.

Barney:It's Homer! Before his boobs came in!

Barney:Let Automobile Von Bismarck give it a try.

Barney:Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the Third World, we're doin' great!

Barney:Like one of them Charlie Brown wiggle-frowns.

Homer · Barney:Maybe I could drink myself to death. Eh, well, you can't. Your tolerance is too high.

Barney:Boy, you know, when you're just here alone, I can really smell ya.

Barney:America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome!

Homer · Barney · other bar patrons:So let me guess. Is it Marge? Her husband's gonna be there too. Got it. You and Marge. Give up? It's Marge. I'm having a lunch date with my wife

Barney:Yeah, well I got plans for lunch too. I'm lying under a tree.

Barney · Homer:Are you sure it wasn't 'Staying Alive?' Too on the nose.

Homer · Moe · Barney:Who's the president now? Some jerk. He's back!

Homer · Barney:We could write on his face when he passes out. Yeah, that's always good for a laugh.

Barney:At least I don't have to train the new bartender to make what I like-- beer to the top.

Barney:You lured Marge in with your hair. You trapped her with marriage. You skinned and field-gutted her by having kids. Now she's mounted on your wall for good, with fake glass eyes and a rubber tongue.

Barney:And I'm 69. Because people always laugh when you say '69.' No one knows why.

Barney:Water? That stuff killed my grandmother. So sad.

Barney:And you just pissed off the wrong fat, furry drunk!

Barney · Lenny:No more jerks talking on their cell phones! / No more jerks telling me not to talk on my cell phone!

Barney:Why don't they make a sequel to Taken where The Hangover guys get taken and the only ones that could rescue them is Fast and Furious.

Barney:And why don't they make a sequel to Taken where The Hangover guys get taken and the only ones that could rescue them is Fast and Furious.

Barney:It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink-- too much pressure.

Barney · Moe:Don't worry, Homer, I'll call the cops! / I'll write my senator. / Senator! Senator!

Homer · Barney · Moe:I got a date with my daughter! / Yeah, we all been there. / No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.