Barney

I got me a part-timejob working as a Santa down at the mall. Wow! Can I do that?

Thirteen bucks? you can't get anything for 13 bucks. Allright! Thirteen bigones! Springfield Downs, here I come!

Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it

Isn't that your wife, Homer? / Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on.

Hey, Barney, am I a pig? / You're no more of a pig than I am. / Oh, no! / See? You're a pig.

Stop whining, chrome dome.

So he has one less ivory back scratcher.

Oh, no! An election? That's when they close the bars, isn't it?

Wow! Super-fish! / I wish the government would get off his back / That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood!

It's not so bad. You'll die someplace else. What do I do about friends? You'll make new, better friends.

I'm gonna miss you too. Not.

Amen!

You're better off. Rich people aren't happy. They think they're happy but trust me, they ain't.

Nobody's here! Nobody's here! / Damn those answering machine tapes!

Hey, Homer, go to the window. Hey, neighbor! I can see you!

What did you do? Kill a judge?

What did you do? Kill a judge?

Forty-eight dollars and 70 cents. / We don't usually take rusty money.

Boy, you don't gain a pound. It's my metabolism. I'm one of the lucky ones.

There's gotta be a girl nobody wants to take.

-Hey, would you like to go--? -She's mine!

He's all things to men and maybe to a lucky gal. Wanna go to prom with me?

After the fight, we can watch the still photos on the news.

I can still taste the sauce. And get this: It's all-you-can-eat! This is like some beautiful dream!

Don't look at me!

Like my wife's ugly sister. Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not picky.

My sister's not going out with Barney Gumble! She's no prize pig herself, you know!

Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding!

It's pretty stupid, but so far you're the front-runner.

Beat him up. You got it. Wait. What is it? Nothing. Wait. What? Beat, but... don't kick. Got it. Wait. What?

What did Homie do anyway? He saved Mr. Burns' life.

Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples?

I pictured everyone in their underwear-- the judge, the jury, my lawyer-- everybody. Did it work? I'm a free man.

Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

Uh... me. Right here. I'm drunk right now.

Oh, it's me.

You want a bad night? Try sleeping... on one of these.

I make them with two kinds of cheese.

The sooner I get her out... the sooner we can have omelets.

Ha-ha! Cops can't win!

England's greatest prime minister... was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder!

Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. / He's bowling a 280.

I want to whip eggs at the warm-up act

Yeah, you going to be okay? Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse. That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.

Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. [Belches] Yeah. I need help.

Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! [Gasps] Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist. Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up.

Hi. Can I drive? Well, I can't see the harm. [Barney Yelling] Oh, the humanity!

I'm not a zombie. But hey-- when in Rome.

[Gasps] Moe, don't throw out that brine

Say hello to the Plow King. Barney, you stole my idea

Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her? Ah, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while

Hey! Where have you been all my life?

There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it. Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do... with this jumbo thong bikini?

Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - [Belching] Bart.

Moe receiving valentine 'from your secret admirer' in meek voice, followed by Barney's romantic advances

Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff--

I'm trying to knock you out. / Ow! Cut it out! / Ow! Ow!

Think you can get this car home? / Sure thing, giant beer.

Yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- / Pipe down, rub-a-dub! / Ow.

Barney, where's your cummerbund? It fell in the toilet.

Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife. [Loud Kiss] Now thar's a lonely man.

Yes. I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure. Sorry, we're looking for more of a 'duh, duh' idiot.

Actually, I'm supposed to be a governor. [Burps]

Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.

Barney! How'd you like to sing for our group? Sure! Why not? Now whar's me toothpick?

Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places. Number eight. [Belch]

How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. [Clucks] Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

It's been done. [Tires Screech]

I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group... and I hope we passed the audition. I don't get it.

Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?

It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet. That's exactly how Dillinger got started. Really?

Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again. Not a good sign.

It was on one of these bar napkins.

Whoa, Marge! You gotta watch out. Your little boy Bart could have been eaten by that pony!

Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. - Wow! Free beer!

I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.

See the boy-- five dollars. Or call him 24 hours a day on BartChat. Are you Bart? Sure, I am. I didn't do nothin'. Uh, isn't it, 'I didn't do it'? Yeah, whatever.

Be an astronaut? Sure. Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends. [Gasps] Respect? Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call! I do it all the time! Check with the F.B.I.! I have a file! I have a file!

Oh, and, Mr. Gumble, for the duration of the training, there'll be no more beer. What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy!

Since they made me stop drinking... I've regained my balance and diction. Observe. [Singing Tongue Twister]

Ohh, the walls are melting again. Personally I think I'm overdone.

Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you! Hey! Look, Homer's got one of those robot cars. One of those American robot cars.

Hey, I don't want no people in here with their 'evils of alcohol' rap.

'And truly she was my friend Flicka.' [Sniffs] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt!

You're stealing a table? I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? Souvenir.

You have a straight flush, Homer. G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you--

This time, he's the lesser of two evils. Yeah, yeah, I love Grimby.

They'd be much happier as ghosts.

We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's. - I bid 10 G's. - Ten-five G's.

A snake in the cash register! Yeah, great prank, fellas. Great.

Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I!

Oh, it's funny and it makes you think.

Barney, any chance you can get me a job? Hey. Sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place.

Hey, Uncle Al, can Homer have a job? Sure. Barney, you're fired. Okay.

Radio reception in there sucked.

Hey, Homer, how come you got money to burn? Or singe, anyway.

Pumpkins? Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October. And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January.

And bang! That's when I'll cash in. To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper... who's growing out of the middle of your back!

Excuse me. Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die.

Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize... a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. / Just hook it to my veins!

Barney, this is a five-minute chip. It's worth a Pabst.

Illegal gambling in my house? Your house? Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas. Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!

Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!

Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?

Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Ick, my mouth tastes like an ashtray.

Wait. That was all a dream. Aw! Hey, then maybe I haven't become a hideous, drunken wreck.

Um, uh, what town did we just crush? - Shelbyville.

Ah, but, Moe, the dank- the dank!

Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers.

Oh, right. How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power?

I mean, half these bottles ain't even mine.

Aw, the little cutie wants to do somethin' cute

There's an exit?

Holy smokes! You need booze.

You know what really 'aggravateses' me is them 'immigants.'

Man, you'd never get me into a ring! Boxing causes brain damage.

Just make sure he hits you an even number of times, so you don't end up with amnesia.

Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson.

How long have you been here? - Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

Okay. But I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.

You are one fine lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that!

So I says, blue M&M, red M&M- they all wind up the same color in the end.

Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet!

Well, that's the end of me.

This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world. You got lucky.

Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

I knew we could do it!

Hey, everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less!

I can't! I'm the designated driver!

No. The Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion! Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold

All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner

You can't tell me what to do. [Tone] - [Higher-pitched Tone] - Nothing yet. - [Very High-pitched Tone] - [Both Screaming]

[Chuckles] Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.

I've been carried out of Moe's like that hundreds of times.

This lot is withdrawn. [Belches]

With the what now?

Hold on there. I'm countir on that.

Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends

We did it. We beat cancer

Out of my way, shorty!

You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man.

Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. Yeah, she's quite a gal. You shut up.

Mine is! [Belches]

You gotta poke 'im with a stick. / I don't want to go to school today! [Snores]

Moving the whole town five miles down the road. It's crazy! Yeah, it's something, all right. So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too

And look! Barney's not even drunk yet. Morning, boys. Can't stop to chat. Time is money.

Yeah, I always figured Marge would be a dynamo in the sack, you know? Oh, boy, she's got legs from here to ya-ya!

There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

Kent Brockman? Please. - Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star. - I might have.

Homer's celebrity memorabilia truck: 'You heard right. Twenty dollars.' Barney: 'Oh! Hundred-year-old stuff.'

I didn't quite get the point of it. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off?

Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.

Hey, who's on first? Touchdown!

Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing.

Yeah, I hear that President Clinton is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.

Hey, what's goin' on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.

[Homer falls through floor] Geez. What an exit. Oh, man. What's he gonna do for an encore?

Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be

Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.

Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-That boy ain't right.