Mother Simpson

Homer:D'oh!

Barney:Well, I'm responsible for half the litter in this town.

Homer:What about the other half?

Barney:That's the drinking I do on the way home.

Beginning of escalating comedy sequence

Lenny:Thank God, Homer's alive!

Homer:D'oh!

Lenny:We're saved! The beavers are building a dam!

Carl:Actually, they're making things worse. They've dammed up the whole river and now we're completely flooded.

Lenny:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, very touching, Smithers. Now, have someone clean up Homer's desk and reassign his parking space. Oh, and see that his medical benefits are revoked immediately — no point paying for a dead man.

Bart:Dad's really gone this time.

Homer:Psych! I'm not dead, boy. I've been hiding in the attic the whole time with a year's supply of donuts and TV Guide magazines.

Bart:But why would you fake your own death?

Homer:So your mother would finally appreciate me. Also, I owed Lenny fifty bucks.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm sorry about that, folks. I reckon my whole diddly-doodly way of talkin' just ain't appropriate-a-rooney for mixed company.

Ned Flanders:I sincerely apologize-a-diddly-ologize. I'm terribly sorry-a-rooney. Forgive me, Lord, and all you fine Christian people. I'm just so diddly-darned sorry!

Marge:Homer's alive! He's in the backyard!

Ned Flanders:Well, that's denial talking, neighborino. The important thing is to accept the Lord's will and move forward with grace.

Power Company Worker:I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, but according to our records, you're deceased. We can't provide electricity to a dead person.

Homer:Well, what do I have to do to get the power back on?

Power Company Worker:You'll need to get a job and prove you're employed. That's our policy for account reactivation.

Homer:But nobody will hire a dead guy!

Power Company Worker:Then I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. Those are the rules.

Homer:You're the lousiest four-eyed bureaucrat I've ever seen!

Homer:Let me read you some of this. 'Maggie Simpson, also known as Margaret.'

Homer:Margaret?! Who the hell is Margaret?

Homer:Walt Whitman? I thought you said Wilt Chamberlain!

Homer:Who cares? He's dead anyway.

Homer:D'oh! My own grave! Wait... if I'm reading my tombstone, that means I'm... a ghost!

Homer:Oh man, now I'M gonna haunt myself!

Mona Simpson:Why, that's my boy's grave!

Homer Simpson:Your boy? I'm your boy!

Mona Simpson:I know, Homer. But I had another son before you.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, another one! That's the third time this week someone's walked out of here alive. This cemetery's got more security holes than a block of Swiss cheese!

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, I'm dead.

Mona:You grew up so handsome.

Homer:Really? I always thought I looked like Dan Aykroyd.

Mona:No, you look like me.

Homer:Mom! I'm so happy to see you!

Marge:Homer, be nice to your mother.

Homer:I know, I know... I'm just gonna say something stupid and ruin this whole thing, aren't I?

Lisa:It's like in Proust's 'In Search of Lost Time,' where the protagonist's memories are triggered by sensory experience.

Lisa:Of course, it's also like when Sheila found out Brad was her long-lost brother on 'The Young and the Restless.'

Bart:Grandma, you owe me back-payment for all the holidays you missed!

Mona:Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna Kwanzaa you!

Bart:Mom, you owe me money for all the Kwanzaas you missed!

Mona:Oh yeah? Well I'll Kwanzaa you!

Lisa:Bart, you should read more. It would improve your reading level.

Bart:Oh man, not that stuff. I'd rather watch TV.

Lisa:But Bart, Shakespeare is considered one of the greatest writers of all time.

Bart:Yeah, well, Shakespeare can suck it.

Lisa:Finally, someone who uses sesquipedalian vocabulary in casual conversation!

Lisa:Mom! Dad! Grandma's a criminal! She has five different names and social security numbers!

Marge:Lisa, those are just her maiden name and—

Lisa:I don't want to hear it! Grandma's going to jail and I'm testifying!

Marge:Homer, your mother abandoned you for 25 years.

Homer:It was 27 years!

Bart:Alright, listen up... Ms. Gertrude Hauptman. Or should I say... Edna Krabappel?

Marge:Bart, that's your grandmother!

Bart:I've been tracking your movements, and the evidence doesn't lie. You've been operating under at least five different identities.

Grandma:Oh, you little snoop! Those are my maiden names!

Young Homer:D'oh!

Abe Simpson:Back in my day, sideburns were a sign of virility and distinction. Started with the Spanish conquistadors in the 16th century, evolved through the American Civil War when generals used 'em to intimidate the enemy, peaked during the Roaring Twenties when every Joe and his brother had a pair, then declined sharply after the Korean War when clean-shaven became the military standard, which trickled down to civilian life, and now here we are in the modern era where a man with proper sideburns is rarer than hen's teeth.

Abe Simpson:Yeah, Joe Namath's got that long hair and them sideburns. I prefer a quarterback with a nice, clean-cut look. Like a young Ronald Reagan.

Abe Simpson:Now that's what I call a real American.

Mr. Burns:You hippies with your protests and your signs, I have a counter-slogan for you.

Mr. Burns:Beware my glare, it's quite severe, it will make you all disappear!

Mr. Burns:My biological weapons collection... destroyed. Those deadly germs were like children to me.

Smithers:Sir, they were weapons of mass destruction.

Mr. Burns:Exactly, Smithers. I raised them from tiny microbes. I taught them to be lethal. And now they're gone.

Mr. Burns:Listen to that. Magnificent, isn't it? The sound of a man breathing freely for the first time in years.

Smithers:Yes, sir. Quite remarkable.

Mr. Burns:I could breathe like this all day long. In and out. In and out. Do you hear that, Smithers? That's the sound of a cured man.

Mona Simpson:Yeah, those radical friends really helped me survive back in the day. We were fighting the man, you know?

Mona Simpson:Now I sell luxury cars at the dealership. Living the dream, baby!

Otto:Yeah, I need to send this package to Atlantis.

Clerk:Atlantis? That doesn't exist.

Otto:Oh, well then how about Narnia? Or maybe send it by pterodactyl?

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, I remember her now. A remarkably intelligent woman. Her phrenological readings were quite exceptional.

Mr. Burns:Though I must say, the bumps on her skull did indicate a tendency toward larceny and vagrancy.

Smithers:Sir, phrenology is quackery.

Mr. Burns:Quackery? Smithers, phrenology is a science! Now stop being such a Luddite and fetch me my leeches.

Lisa:Don't you think that's a rhetorical question?

Abe Simpson:How should I know? I'm not a wizard!

Mona Simpson:My God, Homer, what happened to you? You've gotten so fat!

Homer Simpson:Well, Mona, I've been eating a lot of donuts.

Mona Simpson:Donuts? In 27 years, you couldn't find anything else to put in your mouth?

Abe Simpson:Hey, while you two are fighting, can somebody get me some prune juice? My bowels are staging their own little argument.

FBI Agent:Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, where were you on the night of—

Apu:I was at the Kwik-E-Mart, which is where I always am, working hard, much like my parents did before me in India. We were very poor, but honest, and—

FBI Agent:Yes, yes, but did you see anything suspicious?

Apu:Well, there was a man who came in and he were— I mean, he was acting strangely. Excuse me, 'he was,' not 'he were.' I apologize. As I was saying, he was...

Bart:Wow, Grandma, you were really radical back in the day!

Grandma:That's right, boy. We stood up for what we believed in.

Bart:So which is it - 'Make love not war' or 'Smash the establishment'?

Grandma:Well, both, naturally.

Bart:But those things kind of contradict each other, don't they?

Grandma:Not if you're angry enough, they don't.

FBI Agent:Biological warfare was set back 30 years.

FBI Agent:So what you're saying is, they're back to where they were 30 years ago developing dangerous weapons.

Chief Wiggum:Let's see here... Homer J Simpson... wait, that doesn't look right.

Chief Wiggum:Oh! I was reading it upside down. It says... M. Simpson J. Remoh.

Lou:That's still Homer, Chief. You just flipped the napkin.

Chief Wiggum:I've been thinking about that Greek town we were looking for. I realize now that whole search was a waste of time and resources.

Chief Wiggum:But you know what? I'm still in the mood for some Greek food. Ralph, call that Greek restaurant and order me a gyro.

Chief Wiggum:All units, we have a 10-34 in progress at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Lou:We're on it, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:Wait, where's my wallet? Has anyone seen my wallet?

Eddie:Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

Abe Simpson:Goo goo ga ga! Me famous kidnapping victim! Lindbergh baby! Goo goo!

FBI Agent:Mr. Simpson, your behavior has been very strange. Can you explain yourself?

Abe Simpson:Well, some of it's on purpose, and some of it I can't help.

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, that's right. I'm the one who called in the tip about Burns' germ lab. It was an accident, really. I was trying to call Lard Lad Donuts.

Chief Wiggum:But turns out, destroying that lab? That's what got me promoted to police chief. So I guess you could say I accidentally saved Springfield AND my career.

Underground Driver:We'll escape in our biodegradable hemp-based vehicle!

Underground Driver:It runs on kombucha fermentation and only emits organic vapors.

Underground Driver:Sure, it goes three miles per hour and dissolves in the rain, but think of the planet!

Homer:D'oh!