Lou

Lou · Chief Wiggum:By God, men, you're a bunch of marshmallows. Why don't you go, Chief? Well, I'm too... ...important.

Bart · Lou · Eddie:Look, I'll level with you. There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody. Well, you sure fooled us, kid. Hey, I got an idea for a prank. Let's go home... and go to sleep. Good one, Eddie.

Marge · Lou:You must think we're the worst parents in the world. Yes, that's pretty much the feeling down at the station.

Lou · Bart:It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people... with it.

Lou:Tonight his honor is... polling the electorate.

Lou:Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:He's unconscious, sir. Oh, they can still hear things.

Lou · Eddie:Small world, huh? It is. It really, really is.

Lou:It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling

Lou:It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Take him away, boys. Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:One is wearing a green dress, pearls and has a lot of blue hair. A lot of blue hair? [Giggles] What a freak.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. Hold me. Only if you hold me.

Lou · Chief Wiggum · Police:Hey, look, Chief! It's pointing right at this police station. / Let's get out of here! [All Screaming]

Chief Wiggum · Lou:You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy. / It makes me feel like a big man. / Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here.

Lou:Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, you know, it's my job, right?

Lou:Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it?

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Put out an A.P.B. on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's HomerJ. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down.

Lou:Uh, Chief, you're talking into your wallet.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. / The Mc-what?

Wiggum · Lou:But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. / Get out. Well, what do they call it? / A Quarter Pounder with cheese.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:They call 'em shakes... 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.

Chief Wiggum · Eddie · Lou:So the hook is baited. Nice metaphor, Eddie. Yeah, good work, Eddie.

Lou:235 unpaid parking tickets totaling $175

Lou:Whoo-hoo-hoo. That's sweet.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever. - And if he can, Chief? - Then God help us all.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief. Ah, geez, Lou. How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing?

Lou:Oh. Wait. I just got it. Bad hair day.

Lou:The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:My God! It's nothin' but carrots and peyote. Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

Lou:She's good, Chief.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Shoot the tires out, Lou. Uh, it's a tank, Chief. You know what? I'm gettin' real tired of your excuses.

Bart · Lou:I told you they were monitoring my activities. He's right! This thing's got info on everybody.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Take him into custardy, boys! Hah! Lou and his frittatas! [Laughing] Frittatas! Oh, he likes eggs.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief. - I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits? / I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one. / I like those odds.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Are you saying he's right on the other side of that plant? [Whining] / [Snarls] / Okay. Run!

Protester · Lou:You can't silence the truth with beanbags! / That's nice work with the 'bag-zooka.' Gotta love what you do, Chief.

Chief Wiggum · Lou · Wiggum:All right, cow boy. I'll see you in 'moo-nicipal' court. / Good one, Chief. / What? What'd I say?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Uh, hey, Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me? Yeah, no problem, Chief. Seems like a waste of coffee, though.

Lou · Wiggum:We don't have time for guessing games! Nah, let's try it. It might be fun.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:But the owner is in more hot water than- A Japanese tea bag? Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?

Lou:But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on... fast!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:What's that, Lou? Lettin' that tennis court go to waste.

Lou:Yeah, but this time we got the right address.

Lou:You mean the L.A. Clippers of backyard tennis?

Lou:They're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.

Lou:Hey, no fair. You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves.

Lou · Sideshow Bob:Okay, where do you wanna do this thing? Isn't it customary to have a trial? Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Lou:Yeah. They'll pass you around like- Well, like currency, like you said.

Wiggum · Lou:Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February. [Laughs] Oh, yeah. Those guys and their crazy scams.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Ain't that sweet, chief? It sure is, Lou. Those two longshoremen found love.

Lou:Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer what wears the cowboy hat.

Lou:That's a sweet shot. He's tied to a chair.

Lou:Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief.

Lou:Too bad real women don't come with these, huh?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Even this promotional Johnny Depp from the movie Chocolat? We melted for him. Now he's gonna do likewise.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Lou, you can't leave the force! I can change! / I just think there's more money in private security. / All I'm hearing is I'm too fat.

Lou:You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.

Lou · Eddie:Shouldn't we help her? Yeah, right behind you, Lou.

Lou:That's what I like about this job, you learn stuff.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? / Uh, second word, chief.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago. / Whoa, I'm so drunk I'm gonna puke. You ever get that feeling, beautiful?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts... I know I've done my job. / You're living the dream, chief.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Cut it out, Lou. Uh, he's making funny faces. Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Now we know it just makes things a lot worse. - Like laser eye surgery? - Exactly.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election. Hey, don't blame me. I voted for the green M&M.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Let's fire blindly into the dark. - No. You might hit a made man.

Lou:But, Chief, we are the entire force.

Snake · Lou:Hey, you're not John Ritter. - And you ain't that gorilla from the zoo

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Well, if you just wanna talk... talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife. The divorce was final. When is a divorce ever final?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, well, well, looks like a couple of punks... are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville. That's the Monkees, chief. Go wait in the car.

Wiggum · Lou:Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I? Yes, Chief, you could. Well, let me ask you this. Shut up.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:His passenger is just a big piece of candy. I wish mine was.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:I don't feel right clubbing women and children, chief. / I hear ya. Some days are tougher than others. Just close your eyes and club.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:it sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Like how does a helicopter fly? And what causes thunder? / I say it's angels bowling.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile. / Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.

Chief Wiggum · Eddie · Lou:Uh, eddie, lou, how about a little backup here? / Hmm, hmm, like what you see, ladies?

Lou · Chief Wiggum:That's positive, calling me a jerk? You are a jerk.

Chief Inspector · Lou:Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me. / That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Extra-extra-extra extra-extra... ...extra-extra large? / Here you go, Chief. 'Proud Nubian Princess.' / Score!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:If you can not safe, join them! Chief, I watched in the manual. Many of your quotes did not appear at all.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll! You didn't work this hard to save my marriage.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, seriously. Shouldn't we just plan for the funeral? Hey, I crack cases all the time. Like the case of the symphony conductor who murdered his star cellist. That was an episode of Columbo, Chief.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:They show you who the bad guy is at the beginning of each one. Yeah, but you have to remember.

Lou · Wiggum:We have a lab? Yeah, it's that room we keep the Christmas decorations in.

Lou · Wiggum:You're 'Worried In West Springfield?' Not any more, Chief. Not any more.

Wiggum · Lou · Eddie:Boys, even though I've been made Police Commissioner, don't think I've forgotten you. Lou, you're promoted to Chief of Police. Sweet. Eddie, you're promoted to Lou. Nice. Who's gonna be Eddie? We don't need an Eddie.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Hey, whoever's doing that, get off the frequency. We're combing the woods. There's a killer loose out here. Let him do it, Chief. It lightens the mood.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Uh, chief, it's light out. You can open your eyes and come down. / I don't want to, Lou! / I've got a pizza bagel for you. / Let's roll.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, don't you think you've had enough? / I'm fine. Look, I can touch my gun with my nose. / Don't worry, I'm chief police. I meant to say... / Why doesn't Lou love me anymore? Why?

Lou:look at the heat this Subaru. And this does not find a girlfriend. I never understand.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:If I would act as the leader, I would bring pants size 58. Voila, let's go for jokes about large.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Because sometimes it is easier to be cruel to say what we really feel. Permission to make a calin head? Clearance ... Lou granted.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:No survivors. No shooting. But it's already cocked. All right, shoot it in the fireplace.

Wiggum · Lou:It's a reference to Ma Kettle. A popular movie character from the '40s. If you have to explain it, it's not good, chief.

Doctor · Lou:I'll kill you all! / When the law's reversed. / Ha, I'd like to see you try! / When the law's reversed.

Lou · Doctor:I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee. / Hoo, boy.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Yeah, and you said you're only 180 pounds. Shut up and look for crime.

Lou · Eddie:You live! You die! You live! You die! In the old days, we would've been all over that.

Lou:Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering... and here's the litter!

Lou:It ain't like Air Bud V: Strong Arm Of The Paw.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, why are you using the walkie-talkie? I can hear you fine. Fine. Let's not use any of our police equipment.

Lou:Nobody ever freezes. Might as well just say 'run.'

Lou:Me, I knit violent imagery. Pretty grim, huh?

Bart · Lou:No, boy, that's Hanukah! Forget it, kid. He's a cop now.

Lou:They don't love us. They just love the uniform.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:I taste the flavor. It's a very mild mint. Well, maybe, because it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue. I know what I taste!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:He's not following his nose this time. He's following his heart. Sometimes I forget why you're chief, but I remember now!

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Come on, Chief, you know this. / Oh, a shooty-stealy.

Lou:Finally, the help we need a DVD of The Negotiator.

Lou:Which chapter should we skip to? 'Meet Danny Ron', 'Trouble Brewing,' 'Off the Case', 'My Baby's in There,' 'Enter Niebaum,' 'Take the Shot,' 'Sabian's Choice,' 'Check and Mate,' 'Friends At Last,' 'Closing Credits'?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Can't a man spend one minute with his stuffed monkey? / One minute? / A monkey would make a better chief. / What did you say? / I said monkey would make a better chief!

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Chief, that's evidence. / I know, but after it's evidence, it's a shirt again, isn't it?

Lou · Wiggum:Chief, you okay? / Yeah, yeah. / Why'd you jump off the roof? / I just wanted to be extraordinary.

Lou · Robot · Chief Wiggum:Well, whoever did this must be long gone by now, Chief. I don't know how we'll ever catch him. / Kill! Kill! Kill! / Hold it right there, Bart!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, he's too far, Lou. So? So what am I, Superman?

Lou:vigilantes who would agree to do our job for the adrenaline rush that comes from having a tiny taste of authority over your fellow man

Lou:That's not a tree, Chief. That's a street sign. You just looped your belt around it when you were changing your pants.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Toss them a Judy Blume novel, Lou. Uh, all we've got is Wifey, chief. Nothing with kids in it? Damn budget cuts.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Who are you, the rules police? We are the police police.

Lou:You're too late. I've been sleeping on that couch for a week. You missed the wakeup. That's all that counts.

Lou · Eddie · Chief Wiggum:A woman sunbathing topless on R-15! Uh, Chief, I think we got a misuse of police equipment on ZZ-99. Killjoy.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:He was just jogging in a tan sweat suit, Chief. Are you sure? I thought I saw his... That was a fanny pack, worn on the front. But there was a... Water bottle... But it was... Leaking.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:I don't know, Chief. We can't afford a radar gun, so we're just using a thermos on top of a hose handle.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, it's better than my pistol. Hey, hey, uh, that Ralphie's getting to be a pretty fine artist. I drew it.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:I need backup, Lou. Get two plates and follow me. Uh, Chief, not now; I'm undercover.

Lou · Wiggum:I don't like the looks of that knight, Chief. Don't worry. We're safe. He's two steps away, and one to the right.

Lou · Wiggum:I think you mean 'check, and mate.' Just got crushed by a giant horse, Lou. You want to cut me a break?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:What are you guys doing up there? Hide the dope! We don't have any dope. Then, what did I just smoke?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies. There's no drugs in these brownies. I said 'confiscate'!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh triple-XL. I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call. That was for pants.

Lou · Chief Wiggum · Box:Wish I could help, Chief. I'll take the box that doesn't talk back. / Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach. Shut up.

Homer · Lou:Excellent! Yeah, it wouldn't be you if you didn't say 'excellent.'

Chief Wiggum · Lou:I'm not the sharpest pencil in the... pencil thing, but I'm least as smart as a cat. Right, Lou? Uh, what breed, Chief? I mean, I saw an Abyssinian once who could change channels.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:But, Chief, the power lines! 'But, Chief, the power lines.' Go lower!

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Are you sure the Big Brother Program couldn't find me anybody else? Yeah, well, you were my last pick, too, okay?

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Well, then I'll be a spokesman for my people, like Ralph Abernathy. Ralph, I like that name.

Lou:Can... always use... a good babysitter. I was just 27 years from retirement!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Finally. Someone who knows what a traffic stop is really all about. Uh, Chief, don't you think those jeans are a little tight? We're all not high-waisted like you, Lou, okay?

Lou:There's some things they just don't teach you in the police academy... movies.

Lou:Think's it's his brother.

Lou:Aw, damn it! I just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday.

Lou · Chief Wiggum · Snake · Chief Wiggum · Snake:The instructions are in Swedish, Chief. We got this from IKILLYA. / Yo, I totally speak Swedish. / Fluently? / Um, ja.

Lou · Wiggum:But Chief, we got guns; he's got a little wrench. / It's cold!