Marge Simpson In Screaming Yellow Honker

Bart:Man, that was terrible! I've seen better talent at a convention for the untalented.

Nelson:Haw-haw!

Principal Skinner:Well, Willie, I guess you could say you're really... grounds keeper. Get it? Because you keep the grounds? No, that doesn't work at all. Never mind.

Willie:You know, there's no difference between a Scottish golfer and an American golfer. We both do this.

Willie:Ach, ye think that's bad? Ye should see what I do fer a living! I spend ma days cleanin' up vomit in the school hallways! At least on stage, the vomit's metaphorical!

Homer:Just... kill me.

Superintendent Chalmers:Who's on first?

Principal Skinner:No, What is on first.

Superintendent Chalmers:Who is on first.

Principal Skinner:Yes.

Superintendent Chalmers:I'm asking you who is on first.

Principal Skinner:The left fielder's name is Who, he's on first base. I don't know is the center fielder.

Superintendent Chalmers:Skinner, this is supposed to be funny! You're ruining the whole bit!

Principal Skinner:I'm doing my best, Superintendent. Comedy is a delicate art.

Superintendent Chalmers:Your best? Skinner, your best couldn't make a funeral funny! And frankly, you look like you should be planning one — for your dignity!

Homer:Well, I've figured out the secret to life. You see, Marge, all you gotta do is divide everything equally.

Marge:That's nice, Homer.

Homer:I sleep one-third of the day, I work one-third of the day, and I devote the other third to TV.

Bart:But, Dad, that's only three-thirds.

Homer:Exactly! It's a perfect system.

Lisa:Dad, you haven't paid Mrs. Krabappel in weeks!

Homer:Well, Lisa, I think seeing Mrs. Krabappel's buttocks is payment enough.

Marge:I'm not changing lanes. According to Dave Barry, this is the correct position.

Random driver:Hey! Learn to drive, ya moron!

Canyonero driver:See you later, losers!

Homer:Sweet mother of macadamia nuts!

Homer:It's the Canyonero!

Homer:Look at that beauty. Those curves... that powerful engine... Oh, baby, you're making me feel things I've never felt before.

Homer:I want to take you home and... wash you real gentle-like.

Homer:Marge, move over. This is love.

Gil:This baby's built like a tank! She'll run forever, folks. I've had her for three years and she hasn't given me a lick of trouble.

Gil:Well, except for the transmission, the alternator, the water pump, both door handles, the air conditioning, the radio, and this mysterious leak I can't locate.

Gil:Come on, just sign here! I haven't made a sale in three years. My wife left me, my kids don't recognize me, and I'm living in my car. Well, actually it's not my car anymore — the bank took it. I'm living UNDER a car. Please, I'm begging you, just buy whatever this is!

Gil:Hello? Hello? Is that you, Bart?

Bart:Yeah, Gil, it's me.

Gil:Well, you sound different. Have you been... changing your voice on me?

Car salesman:And finally, for maximum protection, you can keep your car in a tent.

Car salesman:Well, the way we structure it, you make a small down payment, then easy monthly installments that'll only cost you slightly more than the actual car!

Car salesman:Plus, we've got a special interest rate — it starts reasonable, then compounds faster than you can say 'bankruptcy'!

Car salesman:But hey, look at it this way: you get to drive home today, and we get to drive our profits to the bank!

Random Man 1:Whoa, baby!

Random Man 2:Looking good!

Random Man 1:Hey beautiful!

Random Man 2:Oh no... it's Homer.

Random man:And this model comes with a built-in makeup mirror and a vase for flowers.

Homer:Huh? But I thought this was supposed to be tough.

Random man:It is tough. It's just... in touch with its feminine side.

Random Man 1:Hey Homer, you throw like a girl!

Random Man 2:Yeah, and you run like one too!

Random Man 3:Here, let me help you with that purse.

Random Man 1:Do you need someone to braid your hair?

Random Man 2:Would you like to go shopping with us?

Marge:Why won't you drive the car?

Homer:Because I'm not gay, Marge!

Marge:Oh my stars! This SUV is absolutely enormous! How am I supposed to park this thing?

Marge:Oh, how practical. Built-in steps for the children.

Car Computer:Where would you like to go?

Marge:Oh my... no one's ever asked me that before.

Lisa:Wait, this can't be right. They're promoting an athlete as a grunge musician?

Homer:What's wrong, Lisa?

Lisa:Dad, this cereal box has a picture of a famous athlete, but they're dressed like Kurt Cobain. I can't tell if this is intentional irony or just completely misguided marketing.

Marge:Well, I thought she was the lead singer of The Cranberries.

Marge:We shouldn't cut across Mr. Henderson's field.

Bart:Why not?

Marge:It's trespassing.

Bart:Man, what's the big deal? Everyone cuts across his field.

Marge:That doesn't make it right.

Bart:So what makes something right or wrong? Who decides that?

Marge:Society, Bart. Society decides.

Bart:Whoa. Heavy.

Marge:I'm driving across the field.

Homer:Marge, you just declared war on the environment!

Bart:Behold! I am now Sir Clucks-a-lot, Earl of Chicken Coop, Protector of the Roost, Keeper of the Golden Egg!

Lisa:Chicken is tomorrow's dinner.

Bart:Chicken is tomorrow's dinner? More like you're tomorrow's dinner!

Lisa:Bart, that was a classic example of comedic misdirection combined with a subversive twist on expected social norms.

Homer:Wow! A peanut with no shell! This is the greatest day of my life!

Homer:Marge! Come inside! I need an audience for my laziness.

Homer:Marge! Marge, come quick!

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:The house is on fire, Bart's glued to the ceiling, and Lisa's teaching Maggie to drive!

Marge:Homer, what have you done?

Homer:I don't know! I was just sitting here and everything fell apart!

Marge:Excuse me, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to drive aggressively now.

Marge:Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Random driver:Come on, move it!

Random driver:It's the gas pedal on the right, genius!

Random driver:You idiot! You're from Iowa!

Marge:That's it! I'm calling for a new law! We need separate highways for the living and the dead!

Marge:Excuse me! Excuse me! You need to move this funeral procession, you're blocking my view of the Kwik-E-Mart!

Funeral Director:Ma'am, this is a real funeral.

Marge:I don't care if it's real or not, I need to get through!

Homer:Wait a minute... this isn't a real funeral at all!

Ned Flanders:Well, it's actually a very elaborate fake funeral setup we've created as part of our community theater production.

Chief Wiggum:Ma'am, I'm gonna have to cite you for reckless driving and road rage.

Marge:But Chief, I was just honking!

Chief Wiggum:You nearly caused a pile-up on Route 9. That's serious stuff. You're starting to remind me of Thelma and Louise.

Marge:Except they drove off a cliff.

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, well, don't give me any ideas.

Chief Wiggum:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy there, pretty mama!

Traffic School Instructor:You see, the cycle of destruction and rebuilding is what keeps our economy going. We tear down the old, build up the new, take a lunch break, then do it all again tomorrow.

Instructor:So you see, road rage is when a driver becomes angry at another driver.

Student:Wow, thanks for explaining that. I never would have guessed that 'road rage' had anything to do with roads or being angry.

Student:But Mrs. Simpson, isn't that just propaganda?

Marge:Propaganda?! That video was made by the government, and the government would never lie to us! Now sit down and stop asking questions!

Narrator/Video:When you're feeling angry, it's important to find a healthy outlet for your rage.

Narrator/Video:You could try exercise, talking to a friend, or journaling your feelings.

Narrator/Video:Or you could key someone's car, slash their tires, and follow them home.

Eddie:Wait, wait! Shouldn't you guys be worried about my groin?

Eddie:Chief, I need protection from the mob.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, Eddie. We're putting you in the witness protection program. From now on, you're a method actor.

Eddie:A method actor? What does that mean?

Chief Wiggum:It means you have to stay in character 24/7. You're now a sensitive poet who writes haikus about his feelings.

Eddie:But Chief, I'm a cop!

Chief Wiggum:Not anymore. And stop breaking character or I'll have to cite you for improper method acting.

Marge:Chief Wiggum, I've been attending anger management classes.

Chief Wiggum:That's great, Marge. How's it going?

Marge:Well, it's like a hair product. You apply it, work it in, and before you know it, the anger just washes right out.

Chief Wiggum:Don't worry, Marge. We'll get through this together. Sometimes all a person needs is a little... physical comfort.

Marge:Chief Wiggum!

Chief Wiggum:What? I'm talking about a back rub!

Marge:I'm trying to stay calm, but this driver is making it so difficult.

Marge:What would Anger Management Squirrel do?

Escaped Prisoner 1:We're free! We're finally free!

Escaped Prisoner 2:All thanks to that woman's fender bender!

Escaped Prisoner 1:A minor traffic accident and the guards forgot all about us!

Escaped Prisoner 3:To Marge Simpson, the greatest getaway driver who never meant to be one!

All Prisoners:Cheers!

Chief Wiggum:This is a terrible offense. I'm going to tear up your license!

Chief Wiggum:Why won't this tear?

Chief Wiggum:Can somebody help me with this?

Homer:Well, you still have three more limbs. You're doing great!

Homer:Come on, jump through the hoop! Jump!

Homer:Why isn't he doing tricks? He's supposed to be wild and entertaining!

Zookeeper:Sir, he's a lion. He doesn't perform on command.

Homer:Well then what good is he? I paid eight dollars to get in here!

Bart:Man, animals are so boring. Fish just swim around, birds just fly around, and you know what's even MORE boring than that?

Bart:Theater.

Homer:Hey, wake up!

Lisa:Dad, you can't just wake a lemur like that. Lemurs are nocturnal creatures with extremely sensitive sleep cycles. Sudden awakening can cause them severe psychological distress.

Homer:So what do I do?

Lisa:You need to gradually increase the ambient light and sounds to simulate a natural sunrise in their native Madagascar habitat.

Lisa:Many animals are nocturnal, meaning they sleep during the day and hunt at night.

Homer:Nocturnal? That's just a fancy word for broken.

Zookeeper:Oh my God, the rhinos have escaped! I was supposed to warn everyone about this!

Zookeeper:Wait... I never actually warned anyone.

Homer:Expecto Patronum!

Lisa:Dad, you can't just blame movies for your behavior. That's a cop-out.

Homer:But Lisa, I saw it in a movie!

Lisa:That's exactly the problem. You're using media as an excuse instead of taking personal responsibility.

Chief Wiggum:What? That's not a puppy, that's my police hat!

Lou:Hey, that's right! You can tell the difference between a hat and a puppy!

Kent Brockman:We have a report of a rhino attack at the Springfield Zoo. Three people have been eaten, and officials are using dental records and wallet identification to... identify the remains.

Homer:I can't fit through the sunroof!

Homer:This is discrimination! We need automotive accommodation for overweight people!

Homer:It's not my rhino!

Homer:I don't know how it got here!

Homer:Dear God, it's me, Homer. If you get me out of this, I promise I'll be a better man. I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll read the Bible, I'll even stop eating donuts... well, I'll try. Look, I'll make you a deal: you get me out of here, and I'll give half my money to charity. No, a quarter. Okay, a tenth. How about I just promise to think about it?

Marge:Alright, Plan B.

Marge:A, B!

Marge:Well, I learned it all from TV journalism.

Homer:TV journalism? That's where you get your dangerous vehicle knowledge?

Marge:That's right.

Lisa:Mom learned that from a nature documentary.

Marge:That's right. Did you know a rhino can run up to 40 miles per hour? And if you play classical music, it will weep?

Lisa:That second part isn't true.

Marge:Well, the documentary also said that baby rhinos are called 'rhinaros' and they're only born on Tuesdays.

Obvious promotional language in natural conversation

Homer:I'm reading this under duress. The following stations are terrible and their programming is garbage.

Homer:Please, don't hurt me!