Im With Cupid

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Once upon a time, there was a brave knight who ventured into a dark and mysterious tavern...

Lisa:Dad, is this going somewhere?

Homer:He searched desperately through winding corridors, growing more and more desperate, when suddenly...

Bart:What happened?

Homer:He found the bathroom at Moe's. The end.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier*

Homer:Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a castle...

Lisa:Dad, that's not a fairy tale, that's just a description of your life savings getting spent on Duff beer.

Bart:Dear God, we thank you for this food. We're also grateful for all the things that make life worth living: beer, TV, and the crippling inability of adults to communicate their feelings, which means nobody will ever find out about the time I...

Bart:Hey Dad, can you help me with my school project?

Homer:Sure, son. When's it due?

Bart:Tomorrow.

Marge:Bart, I can help you with your project, but you need to do most of the work yourself.

Bart:Come on, Mom, just a little help?

Marge:No, Bart. You're capable of doing this.

Bart:But Mom...

Marge:Okay, fine, I'll just help with the poster board.

Bart:Great! And the research?

Marge:I suppose I could organize your notes...

Bart:And maybe type it up?

Marge:Well, your handwriting is so messy...

Bart:And build the model?

Marge:I've already started, actually.

Apu:Yes, well, the night shift customer is a different breed. He comes in at 11:30 PM, purchases a single item—perhaps a frozen burrito or a magazine of questionable content—and leaves without making eye contact. It is a beautiful symbiosis.

Apu:Stoned teenagers always buy shiny things.

Stoned teenager:Whoa... shiny...

Apu:Rough? No, no. I tell my wife, 'Manjula, I work hard so that one day we can afford the things we have always dreamed of.' She says, 'Apu, we have eight children.' I say, 'Exactly! Eight children, Manjula! Each one requiring shoes!'

Apu:I am inviting Homer and Marge over for dinner. It will be a dinner to remember.

Apu:But first, they must get past my state-of-the-art security system.

Homer:Security system? Apu, it's just dinner.

Apu:Yes, but if they cannot survive the dinner preparations, they are not worthy of my table!

Homer:Hey, check out my digestive system project! It makes all the authentic sounds.

Marge:Homer, that's just your actual digestive system.

Homer:Oh. Well, I had some chili for lunch... or did I? I can't remember, but my stomach sure can!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:I'm not destroying things out of malice. I'm a craftsman, perfecting my art. Each broken window is a brushstroke, each dented car a sculpture. I'm not a bully—I'm a misunderstood artist!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Wait... now what?

Apu:Seven pennies?! This is a catastrophe! I must call the Federal Reserve at once!

Manjula:A penny shortage? Apu, who cares about pennies? Even Jerry doesn't care about pennies anymore.

Apu:My goodness, Manjula, you look absolutely smoking hot in that outfit!

Manjula:Thank you, Apu!

Apu:No, I mean you are literally on fire.

Manjula:Oh my God!

Marge:Your Kwik-E-Mart is so clean and well-organized!

Apu:Oh, thank you! But your home is so warm and inviting!

Marge:That's sweet, but your store has such efficient inventory management!

Apu:You are too kind! Your living room curtains are absolutely exquisite!

Marge:Well, your Squishee machine brings joy to so many children!

Apu:Your basement is a marvel of organization and—

Marge:Okay, we should probably feel a little ashamed of ourselves.

Apu:Yes, agreed. This is ridiculous.

Homer:Mmmm... this curry is so good! It's spicy, it's tangy, it's got that perfect kick! This is the best Indian food I've ever had! It's almost as great as... Gandhi!

Marge:Homer, why are you comparing food to Gandhi?

Homer:Because it's spicy like Gandhi, and it makes me happy like Gandhi, and it's brown like Gandhi!

Marge:Yeah, well good luck getting Homer away from work. He's so dedicated to that power plant, he'd probably keep showing up even if they paid him in donuts.

Homer:Oh my God, a message from work! Let me see... M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N... Meltdown? Oh, that's not a word I usually see on my pager...

Homer:Wait, wait... Could it be... MEAT DOWN? Like, the meat is down? That sounds like a sale!

Apu:I work 18-hour days.

Marge:Oh my God!

Apu:What? This is normal for a convenience store owner.

Apu:Weekends? What is this 'weekends' you speak of?

Homer:You know, Saturday and Sunday. Days off.

Apu:Days... off? I do not understand this concept. The Kwik-E-Mart is open 24 hours, 365 days a year. There are no 'days off.' I have not slept since 1987.

Manjula:You are always working! What is your excuse this time?

Apu:Manjula, I work hard to provide for our family. The store needs me.

Manjula:That is what you said last night, and the night before, and every night for eight years!

Apu:But the Kwik-E-Mart cannot run itself.

Manjula:You know what Apu told me? He said he has to work because if he does not, squirrels will take over the store!

Homer:Oh, I understand what you're saying. Marge means spaceship, Bart means slingshot, and Lisa means saxophone.

Marge:Homer, those aren't even close to what we're saying!

Homer:Well, you're speaking some kind of weird language. How am I supposed to know?

Marge:Homer, I'm worried we caused real trouble by arguing in front of the kids.

Homer:Marge, don't worry. I'm sure the kids didn't even notice. They were too busy watching TV.

Marge:Homer, they were watching us argue!

Homer:See? Problem solved. As long as we keep them entertained, they'll never know we're fighting.

Marge:Homer, eyes on the road!

Homer:But Marge, I'm reading the manual. It says here the car practically drives itself.

Marge:That's the owner's manual, Homer. For the car, not for you!

Homer:Oh, a Valentine's card! Let me read this... 'You're the top banana in my bunch.'

Homer:Marge, did you know I'm a banana? Because I'm yellow and I'm shaped like a banana.

Homer:She's not going anywhere before Valentine's Day. That's ratings gold!

Homer:Bad dog! Bad dog! Why would you bring me news about the stock market crash?

Homer:This is all your fault, Santa's Little Helper. You're ruining my day with these terrible headlines.

Marge:Homer, why do you have all these newspaper sections scattered around?

Homer:I'm saving them, Marge. You never know when you might need the classified ads or the TV guide.

Marge:Well, while you're hoarding those, I'll be reading my new magazine about better ways to organize the linen closet.

Homer:That sounds boring.

Marge:Says the man who keeps newspapers from 1987.

Homer:Yemen? That's not interesting.

Marge:Wait, Yemen? I'm very interested in Yemen investments!

Marge:Listen to this one: 'Powerful public official seeks young woman for discreet relationship.'

Homer:Eh, sounds like Mayor Quimby.

Homer:I used to take out romantic ads in the personals.

Marge:You took out an ad that said 'Lazy, good-for-nothing dad seeks…' and I answered it.

Marge:Well, he didn't cover the bed with flowers. He covered it with potato chip crumbs, pretzel fragments, and what I think might be a chicken wing.

Marge:A trained parrot? How romantic... I wish Homer would do something like that for me.

Marge:Homer, what's this special Valentine's surprise you promised me?

Homer:It's a secret, Marge. You're gonna love it.

Marge:Homer, is it the thing where you show up at the last minute with gas station flowers and a half-eaten box of chocolates?

Homer:How did you—?

Marge:Because that's what you do every year.

Apu:My beloved, I have made myself entirely of chocolate for you!

Marge:Oh Apu, that's so romantic!

Apu:Now embrace me, my love!

Marge:Wait... I'm getting chocolate all over my face... I can't breathe... there's chocolate in my nose!

Apu:Yes, let the love smother you!

Marge:No, Apu, I'm literally suffocating!

Moe:So what do you say, beautiful? How about we get outta here and go back to my place?

Date:I don't know... you seem a little too eager.

Moe:Eager? That ain't me, baby. That's the four Viagra I took before you got here.

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh, people are getting divorced? Well, I'm not surprised. Marriage is a sacred institution, and when people don't follow God's word, well... *chuckles* ...that's what they get. More counseling sessions means more collection plate donations. I mean, more souls to save. Yes, souls.

Homer:Hey, check out my temporary tattoo! It's a skull with flames!

Marge:Homer, that's ridiculous.

Homer:Wait, where'd it go? It was right here a second ago!

Bart:Dad, temporary tattoos only last a few days.

Homer:A few days?! But I just got it!

Skinner:Valentine's Day puts so much pressure on relationships. It's unrealistic expectations, expensive gifts, and forced romance.

Seymour:Why, just this morning I was planning a special evening with Mrs. Krabappel, but the pressure got to me.

Edna:Oh Seymour, what are you talking about?

Skinner:Well, I thought we could exchange... valentines at school. You know, a nice innocent activity.

Edna:That sounds lovely.

Skinner:Yes, we'll have the children make heart-shaped boxes, practice their stroking techniques, and work those fingers until they're nice and supple.

Comic Book Guy:The sexual experience of a nerd is a sad and pathetic thing. However, I have discovered a way to make it less depressing. I have named my penis 'The Squishy' and I have instructed it to think of itself as the hero in an adventure story. That way, when I am alone with a woman, I can pretend that my penis is on a noble quest.

Moe:Yeah, my relationship's on the rocks. She got a restraining order against me.

Moe:I don't even know what I did wrong. I was just following her to work, checking on her at night...

Moe:Apparently that's 'stalking' now. Since when is that illegal?

Ned:Well, I'd have to say it's me. I'm too judgmental, too preachy, and I don't listen well enough. Plus, I'm always trying to save people, which comes across as condescending.

Moe:Yeah, well that's all fine and good Flanders, but let me tell ya something. You know who's really responsible for all this? That dang Homer Simpson! If he wasn't always causin' trouble, none of us would be in this mess in the first place!

Barney:We gotta stop Apu immediately!

Lenny:Yeah, let's go right now!

Carl:This is our righteous mission!

Barney:Right after we finish our beers.

Lenny:Good call.

Carl:Yeah, no point going thirsty.

Homer:Hey Moe, how do I sabotage a romantic gesture?

Moe:Well, you could use C-4, a couple of land mines, maybe a rocket launcher.

Homer:I'm the best driver in the world!

Homer:*crash sound*

Chief Wiggum:Breakfast at Tiffany's? I had a cup of coffee and a donut at Tiffany's jewelry store.

Sea Captain:Ah, fresh magazines for the men. Let's see what we have here... 'National Geographic,' 'Popular Mechanics,' 'Penthouse'... Excellent! This should keep them entertained for... oh, a good three minutes.

Air Traffic Controller:We're going to need you to remove that candelabra from the aircraft.

Elton John:But it's part of my act!

Air Traffic Controller:I don't care if it's part of your act. It's a fire hazard.

Elton John:This is discrimination against the flamboyantly challenged!

Elton John:Wait, you mean real knighthood involves this?

Homer:Uh, yeah. That's what 'knight' means.

Skywriter:I have a professional obligation to write what the customer requests.

Homer:But it says 'Buy Zesta'! I can't read that high!

Maude:Oh, a love message written in the sky! How romantic!

Maude:It says... 'Eat at Joe's'? No, wait... 'I love you, Maude'!

Maude:Heavens to Betsy, it's for me!

Marge:What does it say? 'Eat at Joe's'? 'Beat up Joe's'? 'Eat up Joe's'?

Homer:It says 'See Dr. Marvin Monroe.'

Marge:Oh, that's silly. We don't need to see a doctor.

Marge:Oh, how romantic! Homer must have sent this skywriting just for me!

Marge:Although... knowing Homer, it probably just says 'Donuts' or 'Free Beer'.

Elton John:Well, I'm still standing, yeah yeah yeah.

Homer:Hey Elton, I love your song 'Rocket Man.' It's about a man who is a rocket!

Elton John:Yes, well, it's actually a metaphor for—

Homer:And 'Tiny Dancer'! That's about a dancer who is tiny!

Elton John:If you'd just let me—

Homer:And 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'! You're saying goodbye to a road that is yellow and made of bricks!

Elton John:I'm leaving.

Marge:Oh Homer, you shouldn't have! Flowers after that terrible plane crash? You're so thoughtful!

Homer:Plane crash? What plane crash?

Marge:The one you were just in! You crashed and somehow got me these beautiful roses!

Homer:Oh yeah, that. I didn't get you those on purpose.

Marge:You didn't? But Homer, that's the most romantic thing you've ever done!

Marge:If you do this for me, I'll make it worth your while tonight.

Homer:You mean...?

Marge:That's right.

Homer:But what about my crippling back pain?

Manjula:You closed the Kwik-E-Mart for me? I can't believe it!

Apu:Of course, my love. Anything for you.

Manjula:This is the most romantic thing you've ever done!

Apu:Well, actually, the health inspector is coming tomorrow, and I needed time to hide the rats.

Apu:Thank you, come again!