Apu

I've got eyes in the back of my head

Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

Yes, yes. I know the procedure for armed robbey. I do work in a conveniencestore, you know.

The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Hey, hey. This is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off!

The fight! I'll get my brother, Sanjay, to cover for me. He deplores violence.

Everyone to my place for squishies and microwave burritos.

Wandering mongrel. Get out of my mom-and-pop operation.

Here you go. Smoke them in good health.

I yearn to tell the story of a young Hindu...pushed too far by Quik-E-Mart bandits: It's Hands off My Jerky, Turkey.

Clever title. -Thanks. My brother thought of it.

-Shall I apply this to the cost of a squishy? -No. I need the dime.

Did you know there's a child in your bus? Good thing you warned me. I was heading to Mexico.

Oh, Mr. Homer... what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery?

Three liberty bells! / That will be $10,000, Apu. / If I could see the ticket-- / There it is. / Please to be removing your thumb.

If you need money... you should have jammed a gun in my ribs... or inquire about my help wanted sign.

These hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them. / But I eat-- / Oh.

Here's a pointer. Try taking it in the shoulder.

While I'm here with you... my store is going down the tubes.

The young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.

He slept, he stole... he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee... a convenience store ever had.

I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.

Here's your lottery ticket. Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Come again.

Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day. [Shotgun cocking]

Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing 'Mac Arthur Park' on the tabla. [Laughing] No, I am serious. Yes! Judges, there's your queen. Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? [Both Gasp]

Yes! Judges, there's your queen. - Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?

Poor Mr. Homer. Could it be that my snack treats... are responsible for his wretched health? Gimme some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that? Oh, what the hell. Sure.

Apu selling Valentine's gift for $100: 'Oh, I think you will' when Homer refuses to pay

You saved my life. How much? One hundred dollars. What? That's highway robbery. I won't pay it.

Apu's internal monologue: 'If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost'

¡Ay! No es bueno.

I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store. The first one to whack it, gets a free Squishy. [People Yelling] I should've put more thought into my promotion.

I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Apu calling out shoplifting: 'You did not pay for this bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon'

No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.

Apu's corporate backing: 'Kwik-E-Mart and its parent corporation, Nordyne Defense Dynamics'

No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one.

It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

You gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition. If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.

Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of... heady goodness.

This is not a library. This is not a Kwik-E-Mart.

One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- [Gasps]

An all-syrup Super-Squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. Just make it happen.

Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up!

I need one 29-cent stamp. - That's $1.85.

I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20.

How much is your penny candy? - Surprisingly expensive.

Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham.

Well, this time I've gone too far. No. No one will fall for-- Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's open.

This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny. - Okay. Ten pounds.

Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. - Bee? [Screaming]

Oh, no. It is encrusted with filth. Oh, well. Let's sell it anyway.

Now, this is just between me and you, smashed hat.

Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? - No. I mean, yes. I mean-- Uh-oh.

I think I come off very well. - Monster! Run, children!

And if I can obtain for you these animals?

Give me that wiener! - No! I don't want to live, sir! - Give me that wiener! - No, Apu! It's not worth it!

Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.

Now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly.

You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. - He's got me there.

For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? - A napkin. - Outrageous!

What the-- - Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.

Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard. - Oh, they'll never move that way.

I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.

Ooh! Great selection and rock-bottom prices. But where is the love?

Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again!

Uh, Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off.

Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat.

You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to... or a geodesic dome... there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.

Sorry 'bout the salmonella - Heh-heh! That's okay.

Are we in India yet? - No. - Oh, wait... now we are.

This isn't very convenient. - Must you dump on everything we do?

Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? - [Angry Groan]

Do you mind? I'm not in the mood.

Oh, yes. It was horrible, I tell you. By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

In a few minutes I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

In a few minutes I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.

But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. - That sounds like a good movie. - Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes.

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

Sixteen brand-new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp.

What the...? / You know, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey.

The goalie of my dreams!

Hey. Hey. I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.

Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred. No, no. I mean, nothing. I don't take bribes!

I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs.

But what do you do if somebody wants a nonalcoholic beer? - You know, it's never come up.

Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. - Sure you were, Apu.

Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. - Yes, indeed, I do think that.

It was 'Live and Let Die.' - Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm.

Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

Oh, forget this. I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that.

You can do it, Otto! Make this spare, I give you free gelato! Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in.

I guess some people never change. Or they quickly change and then quickly change back.

I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishy machine.

Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you are looking very prosperous today. Might I interest you in some of our impulse items here by the cash register?

Perhaps a crazy motorized wiggle pen? Look at the craziness.

I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn't find... any red hearts, yellow moons or green clovers

Oh. You're just as sweet as the sticks which bear your name

as red hot as the candies which bear that name

for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99

Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married.

Don't worry. I'll tell everybody you were untouchable.

Oh, I'd only waste 'em anyway.

There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

Calcutta Technical Institute.

top student in my graduating class of seven million

200,000 precisely ordered punch cards... comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program.

Only the top human players could beat it.

The 'Ny' Mets are my favorite squadron.

I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me... from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes

A cheap, $2,000 forgery.

The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912... after New Mexico became a state, but before Arizona did.

Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Except Native Americans. - Yeah. Native Americans like us. - No. I mean American Indians. - Like me.

Oh! Today I am truly an American citizen. - Jury duty!

I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner.

Ha! Now you know how it feels! Thank you. Come again.

You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.

A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir.

Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.

But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid! / That's what the pumpkin said.

Don't shoot. Just take the money and get out. What? Oh, Apu, I would never- Or would I?

Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture... and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room.

All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.

Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers.

Then just tell her you're already married. No. I cannot lie to my mother.

Yes, that is right, Mother. I already got married.

It worked. It worked. The lie has set me free!

I'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir. But listen to this.

But don't you see? She is here to meet my wife. The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife!

Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? It's you.

It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted... in a timely and efficient- Let's go!

You know that one out of every 25 arranged marriages ends in divorce.

What would you like to know? What's the deal with that dot? Can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?

You could fake your own death. Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and- I can't believe you don't shut up!

Actually, it's more like 12. No. I'm so stupid. Seven. It's seven hours. You have seven hours. See? Seven.

I should send you to St. Louis! No! No, he's not won'th it.

Mmm, number 6.

Who knows? We can always get divorced. Of course. God bless America.

Apartment? Oh, no. No, no. You must buy me a house. And you're getting a haircut. Oh. Got you.

[Apu Crying]

And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it.

Oh, it looks like somebody's 'hoggir Dazs' ice cream. [Laughs] I should write this down.

Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! [Chuckles] Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Come one, come all. See the amazing frozen man. Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos.

Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!

Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!

The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Apu runs away screaming in Vietnamese after Deer Hunter reference

I got him after a robber shot me six times and left me for dead.

So what will it be, Mr. Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies?

Oh, well, we do have some low-salt candy bars... and some reduced-fat soda. And our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free.

Oh, yes. That is a new item. No bar contains more applesauce.

Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl. Here. Have a Powersauce bar. It's on the house.

Yo, Apu, give me the usual. Yes, sir. One Kwik-E dog, one bubble gum cigar... and the latest issue of Success magazine.

Hey, this hot dog tastes different. Yes. I just cleaned out the machine, sir. So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.

I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant. - People buy grease? - Oh, yes. They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food.

Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. - [Moe] Way to shove, Edna. - [Apu] Let us roll.

Apu: 'Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.'

Homer listing fancy mushrooms: 'Portobello. Porcini. Chanterelle. And Shiitake.' Apu: 'Okay. We have none of those.'

Apu: 'These exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives?'

But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.

I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.

It is payback time, and this time it's personal.

[Gasps] Seven? I'll be right there.

I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking.

Well, let us just say we both feel bad. - Deal.

Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard.

Week-ends?

Help.! I can't breathe.!

Well, you and the health inspector. [Chuckles]

It should get you pretty darned hammered.