Apu

Apu:I've got eyes in the back of my head

Apu:Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.

Apu:Yes, yes. I know the procedure for armed robbey. I do work in a conveniencestore, you know.

Apu:The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Apu:Hey, hey. This is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off!

Apu:The fight! I'll get my brother, Sanjay, to cover for me. He deplores violence.

Apu:Everyone to my place for squishies and microwave burritos.

Apu:Wandering mongrel. Get out of my mom-and-pop operation.

Apu:Here you go. Smoke them in good health.

Apu:I yearn to tell the story of a young Hindu...pushed too far by Quik-E-Mart bandits: It's Hands off My Jerky, Turkey.

Marge · Apu:Clever title. -Thanks. My brother thought of it.

Apu · Bart:-Shall I apply this to the cost of a squishy? -No. I need the dime.

Apu · Otto:Did you know there's a child in your bus? Good thing you warned me. I was heading to Mexico.

Apu:Oh, Mr. Homer... what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery?

Homer · Apu:Three liberty bells! / That will be $10,000, Apu. / If I could see the ticket-- / There it is. / Please to be removing your thumb.

Apu:If you need money... you should have jammed a gun in my ribs... or inquire about my help wanted sign.

Apu · Homer:These hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them. / But I eat-- / Oh.

Apu:Here's a pointer. Try taking it in the shoulder.

Apu:While I'm here with you... my store is going down the tubes.

Apu:The young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.

Apu:He slept, he stole... he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee... a convenience store ever had.

Apu:I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.

Apu:Here's your lottery ticket. Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Come again.

Apu · Little Jamshed:Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day. [Shotgun cocking]

Apu · Reverend Lovejoy:Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

Pahasatira · Apu:I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing 'Mac Arthur Park' on the tabla. [Laughing] No, I am serious. Yes! Judges, there's your queen. Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? [Both Gasp]

Apu · Apu:Yes! Judges, there's your queen. - Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?

Apu · Customer:Poor Mr. Homer. Could it be that my snack treats... are responsible for his wretched health? Gimme some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that? Oh, what the hell. Sure.

Apu · Homer Simpson:Apu selling Valentine's gift for $100: 'Oh, I think you will' when Homer refuses to pay

Homer · Apu:You saved my life. How much? One hundred dollars. What? That's highway robbery. I won't pay it.

Apu:Apu's internal monologue: 'If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost'

Apu:¡Ay! No es bueno.

Apu · Crowd:I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store. The first one to whack it, gets a free Squishy. [People Yelling] I should've put more thought into my promotion.

Apu:I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Apu:Apu calling out shoplifting: 'You did not pay for this bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon'

Apu:No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.

Apu:Apu's corporate backing: 'Kwik-E-Mart and its parent corporation, Nordyne Defense Dynamics'

Apu:No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one.

Apu:It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Reporter · Apu · Barney:Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie. Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

Customer · Apu · Moe · Barney:How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Apu:Bart, I'm going to get you-- some ice cream at the store... since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.

Apu · Expedition Member:You gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition. If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.

Customer · Apu:Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of... heady goodness.

Apu:This is not a library. This is not a Kwik-E-Mart.

Bart · Apu:One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- [Gasps]

Apu · Bart:An all-syrup Super-Squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. Just make it happen.

Apu:Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up!

Customer · Apu:I need one 29-cent stamp. - That's $1.85.

Customer · Apu:I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20.

Martin · Apu:How much is your penny candy? - Surprisingly expensive.

Apu:Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Apu:Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham.

Apu · Homer:Well, this time I've gone too far. No. No one will fall for-- Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's open.

Homer · Apu:This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny. - Okay. Ten pounds.

Apu · Homer:Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet. - Bee? [Screaming]

Apu:Oh, no. It is encrusted with filth. Oh, well. Let's sell it anyway.

Apu:Now, this is just between me and you, smashed hat.

Homer · Apu:Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? - No. I mean, yes. I mean-- Uh-oh.

Apu · Crowd:I think I come off very well. - Monster! Run, children!

Apu:And if I can obtain for you these animals?

Homer · Apu:Give me that wiener! - No! I don't want to live, sir! - Give me that wiener! - No, Apu! It's not worth it!

Apu:Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.

Apu:Now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly.

Lisa · Apu:You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. - He's got me there.

Homer · Apu:For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? - A napkin. - Outrageous!

Homer · Apu:What the-- - Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.

Marge · Apu:Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard. - Oh, they'll never move that way.

Apu:I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.

Apu:Ooh! Great selection and rock-bottom prices. But where is the love?

Apu:Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again!

Apu:Uh, Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off.

Apu:Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat.

Apu:You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to... or a geodesic dome... there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.

Apu · Homer:Sorry 'bout the salmonella - Heh-heh! That's okay.

Homer · Apu:Are we in India yet? - No. - Oh, wait... now we are.

Homer · Apu:This isn't very convenient. - Must you dump on everything we do?

Homer · Apu:Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? - [Angry Groan]

Apu:Do you mind? I'm not in the mood.

Apu:Oh, yes. It was horrible, I tell you. By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.

Apu:In a few minutes I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

Apu:In a few minutes I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.

Apu:The searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.

James Woods · Apu:But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet. - That sounds like a good movie. - Yes. Yes, a-a movie. Yes.

Apu:Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? ...on the best-seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it! ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you. Come again.

Apu:Sixteen brand-new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp.

Bart · Apu:What the...? / You know, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey.

Apu:The goalie of my dreams!

Apu:Hey. Hey. I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.

Apu · Chief Wiggum:Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

Apu · Marge:What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred. No, no. I mean, nothing. I don't take bribes!

Apu:I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs.

Lisa · Apu:But what do you do if somebody wants a nonalcoholic beer? - You know, it's never come up.

Apu · Paul McCartney:Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. - Sure you were, Apu.

Lisa · Apu:Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster. - Yes, indeed, I do think that.

Paul McCartney · Apu:It was 'Live and Let Die.' - Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm.

Apu:Yeah, I seen her. Uh, that is to say, I saw her.

Apu:Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.

Apu:Oh, forget this. I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that.

Apu:You can do it, Otto! Make this spare, I give you free gelato! Then back to my place, where I will get you blotto! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Apu:Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Apu:At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in.

Apu:I guess some people never change. Or they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Apu:I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishy machine.

Apu:Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you are looking very prosperous today. Might I interest you in some of our impulse items here by the cash register?

Apu:Perhaps a crazy motorized wiggle pen? Look at the craziness.

Apu:I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn't find... any red hearts, yellow moons or green clovers

Apu:Oh. You're just as sweet as the sticks which bear your name

Apu:as red hot as the candies which bear that name

Apu:for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99

Apu:Quick, quick. No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.

Apu:No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married.

Apu:Don't worry. I'll tell everybody you were untouchable.

Apu:Oh, I'd only waste 'em anyway.

Apu:There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

Apu:Calcutta Technical Institute.

Apu:top student in my graduating class of seven million

Apu:200,000 precisely ordered punch cards... comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program.

Apu:Only the top human players could beat it.

Apu:The 'Ny' Mets are my favorite squadron.

Apu:I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me... from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes

Apu:A cheap, $2,000 forgery.

Apu:The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912... after New Mexico became a state, but before Arizona did.

Apu:Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Apu:Now, which way to the welfare office? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.

Lisa · Homer · Apu:Except Native Americans. - Yeah. Native Americans like us. - No. I mean American Indians. - Like me.

Apu · Homer:Oh! Today I am truly an American citizen. - Jury duty!

Apu:I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner.

Apu · Homer:Ha! Now you know how it feels! Thank you. Come again.

Apu · Homer:You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them... on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.

Apu:A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir.

Apu:Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.

Bart · Apu:But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid! / That's what the pumpkin said.

Apu · Homer:Don't shoot. Just take the money and get out. What? Oh, Apu, I would never- Or would I?

Apu:Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Apu:And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture... and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room.

Apu:All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.

Apu · Homer:Boy, you hate lotus flowers too. Don't get me started on lotus flowers.

Homer · Apu:Then just tell her you're already married. No. I cannot lie to my mother.

Apu:Yes, that is right, Mother. I already got married.

Apu:It worked. It worked. The lie has set me free!

Apu:I'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir. But listen to this.

Apu:But don't you see? She is here to meet my wife. The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife!

Apu · Homer:Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? It's you.

Apu:It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted... in a timely and efficient- Let's go!

Apu:You know that one out of every 25 arranged marriages ends in divorce.

Apu · Bart:What would you like to know? What's the deal with that dot? Can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?

Homer · Apu:You could fake your own death. Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and- I can't believe you don't shut up!

Apu:Actually, it's more like 12. No. I'm so stupid. Seven. It's seven hours. You have seven hours. See? Seven.

Apu:I should send you to St. Louis! No! No, he's not won'th it.

Apu · Airport worker:Mmm, number 6.

Manjula · Apu:Who knows? We can always get divorced. Of course. God bless America.

Manjula · Apu:Apartment? Oh, no. No, no. You must buy me a house. And you're getting a haircut. Oh. Got you.

Apu:[Apu Crying]

Apu · Apu:And now, without further Apu. I have been zinged and I love it.

Apu:Oh, it looks like somebody's 'hoggir Dazs' ice cream. [Laughs] I should write this down.

Customer · Apu:Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! [Chuckles] Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Apu:Come one, come all. See the amazing frozen man. Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos.

Apu:Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!

Apu:Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!

Apu:The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.

Jasper · Apu:Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.

Apu:Apu runs away screaming in Vietnamese after Deer Hunter reference

Apu:I got him after a robber shot me six times and left me for dead.

Apu · Homer:So what will it be, Mr. Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies?

Apu:Oh, well, we do have some low-salt candy bars... and some reduced-fat soda. And our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free.

Apu:Oh, yes. That is a new item. No bar contains more applesauce.

Apu · Lisa:Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl. Here. Have a Powersauce bar. It's on the house.

Homer · Apu:Yo, Apu, give me the usual. Yes, sir. One Kwik-E dog, one bubble gum cigar... and the latest issue of Success magazine.

Homer · Apu:Hey, this hot dog tastes different. Yes. I just cleaned out the machine, sir. So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.

Apu · Homer:I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant. - People buy grease? - Oh, yes. They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food.

Moe · Edna · Apu:Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. - [Moe] Way to shove, Edna. - [Apu] Let us roll.

Apu:Apu: 'Oh, dear. You have ruined my work, you flying fat man.'

Homer · Apu:Homer listing fancy mushrooms: 'Portobello. Porcini. Chanterelle. And Shiitake.' Apu: 'Okay. We have none of those.'

Apu:Apu: 'These exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives?'

Apu:But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.

Apu:I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.

Apu:It is payback time, and this time it's personal.

Apu:[Gasps] Seven? I'll be right there.

Apu:I could not let you in the store like that because you are smoking.

Apu · Marge:Well, let us just say we both feel bad. - Deal.

Marge · Apu:Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard.

Apu:Week-ends?

Apu:Help.! I can't breathe.!

Apu:Well, you and the health inspector. [Chuckles]

Apu:It should get you pretty darned hammered.

Apu:I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.

Apu:Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?

Apu:By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.

Apu:Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips? Could you be any more- Hello!

Apu:Whoa. Manjula has begun to ovulate.

Apu:Oh, lemon.

Apu:All that sex for nothing.

Apu:Uh, I'm willing to play the high school jock... but did you have to cut the roof off my car?

Homer · Apu:I- I thought I was going to Ivy League State. My mistake. Stay in the moment.

Apu · Manjula:Baby. Baby. Pirate?

Apu · Manjula:You are beautiful and silky and manageable. You're reading that off a conditioner bottle.

Apu:Well, that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs?

Kent Brockman · Apu:How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth... is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? Who would say such a thing? Well, pundits, wags. I'm not the one on trial here.

Apu:They only gave us three crates. They can rot in hell.

Apu:Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Apu:How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?

Apu:I can't believe you don't shut up.

Apu:Welcome to my nightmare.

Apu:Oh, hallelujah. Our problems are solved. We have banana bread.

Apu:Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.

Apu:Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.

Apu:As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.

Apu · Homer:Look what you've done to beautiful display! - Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge- cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.

Apu · Manjula:You promised me no more brooms. - I know this is not your way. But we're in America now.

Apu:The boys at headquarters will not like it, but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude!

Apu:Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the 'Take a penny, leave a penny' tray.

Apu:Oh, no worries there. That's Henderson's toilet paper!

Apu:You take these. You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small liberal arts college - Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name. Hah!

Apu:Now restaurant fail... children go to state college. Serious students powerless against drunken 'jockocracy.' Baseball hats everywhere!

Apu:Menu boy no be coward like shrimp. Menu boy be brave like prawn.

Apu:Leave no footprint, only lunch specials.

Apu:50,000 for Thai menus. Daughter on wait list at Bennington.

Apu:[Apu] It was Lisa's dream.

Apu:No! It was finger Ling-Ling good.

Homer · Apu:[Thuds] Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me. [Whimpering]

Homer · Apu:No more Shiva-related pokings. Yeah. And, you know, down the line... you might want to switch to a nice, round Buddha.

Apu · Homer:But we are Hindu. So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.

Homer · Apu:Sugar-free donuts! No, that is sugar with free donuts.

Barney · Apu:Is my carton of Pixy Stix in? No, it hasn't come in yet. Damn it! When they come in, you call me at this number.

Apu:everything in this store, from the honey-glazed cauliflower to the Choco-Blasted Baby Aspirin

Apu:Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.

Customer · Apu · Customer:I'll take one, Achu. / No, not 'chu,' 'pu.' / I got troubles with both.

Apu:Oh, dear! You have ruined my work, you flying fat man!

Apu:You'd think that would deter me, but no.

Apu:The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move.

Apu:Cleanup in all the aisles.

Apu:I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first.

Apu:The Indian rope trick has become the Indian nope trick.

Apu:Whoa, ha-mahatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama, hatama.

Apu:How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity?

Squishee Lady · Apu:Oh, Apu, scratch and win! Mmm! That's good adultery!

Apu:Caramel baloney.

Apu:First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me. A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels!

Apu:First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat, then me. A tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels!

Apu:Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave.

Apu · Elderly customers:Okay, people, out of my freezer! But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased.

Apu:The bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house.

Apu:That is the most pungent thing I've ever smelled and I am from India.

Apu:That sign is just a ruse, like all high voltage signs.

Apu:Please don't beat me up any more.

Cookie · Apu:Cookie's number one on the West Side. But this is the East Side. Who is this lady?

Apu:She used to elbow me in the face.

Apu · Marge:Another of those youth groups that apes the cultures... of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed? Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.

Apu:Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like wild.

Apu:Oh, mr. Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob... I mean, uh, loyal customer.

Homer · Apu:Well, then, maybe I will! If you do, you'll see she lusts for flanders.

Apu:Including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see Paris... Hilton. In Paris... Texas. On our way to Paris, France.

Apu:The fast track begins at birth. That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two. For the rest of you, better luck next life.

Homer · Apu:She'll have plenty of money, because she'll marry a grocer... who steals from the till. Would ya let me finish? Jeez!

Apu:Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns.

Apu:I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.

Apu:Oh I don't think so. It is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin.

Apu:Poonam and uma are fighting! No, no. Those are their pre-witch hunt names. Their new names are freedom, lincoln, condoleeza, coke, pepsi, manifest destiny, apple pie and superman. And together, we're the macgillicuddys.

Apu:We British sure eat crap.

Apu:Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise. Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes.

Apu:My 8 babies make me crazy! they cough, sneezes, and make noise! They fear my concierge who dares get out!

Apu:I do not even understand my bad jokes! I'm tired.

Apu:Oh, Chintzy-Pop is the worst legal popcorn. Many of the kernels are baby teeth.

Manager · Apu:If you don't, we'll ship you right back to Mexico. But I'm a U.S. citizen. How sure of that are you?

Apu · Homer:Homer, we took our chips out years ago. Really? Then why do you still work here? We've learned to accept the things we cannot change... and steal everything that's not nailed down.

Apu:I was hoping we'd miss the 3:00 holdup.

Apu · Apu:You can not kill a Hindu! / Help me, Jesus!

Apu:Jester. With $ 25, can not even have half a cereal bar. I exaggerate, but more seriously, my prices are very high.

Apu:I just have jerky made of trout.

Apu:Ibm help line, this is Brian. Have you tried disabling your firewall?

Apu:Dallas fort-worth marriott. How can I help y'all? Well, we have a cotton bowl special. Go aggies!

Apu:Maraschino isn't even a kind of cherry! It's a way of preserving them!

Apu:That is because you're robbing my brother Sanjay.

Homer · Apu:Hey, this is sweet, huh? Almost makes up for not gettin' paid. We don't get what?

Apu:Apu is dead. I was reincarnated as this cat.

Apu:Oh, you have just been Apu'd!

Apu:If a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog!

Apu:There's a rumor you can mix milk, Mentos and Lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel. Does it work? Kinda.

Apu · Comic Book Guy:I keep telling you: I'm Hindu! I regret... nothing.

Apu:You have made a very powerless enemy.

Apu:You can skip the 'K' and the 'Y.'

Apu · Manjula:Manjula will sell the store, dye her hair blonde, and marry my cousin Jangelvar. Yes, I will.

Apu · Ned:That tiny mouse in the nacho cheese. Oh, for crying out loud, people aren't mice.

Apu:They say the last one is lucky! Unlike all the others.

Apu:Here you go. This'll kill those dirty rats, and the clean ones, too.

Apu:What is it with kids and candy-colored poison, huh?

Apu:Whatever you are looking for, it is not at the bottom of a 512-ounce cup of Shrek Berry Blast.

Apu:What is at the bottom is this dumb Shrek trivia quiz, which if answered correctly, entitles you to 10% off any Shrek DVD, except the first two.

Bart · Apu:Okay, I... What happened to my roses, Apu? You said you'd watch them while I shopped. No such conversation took place.

Apu:Finally, a hamburger for the Hindus. By the tusks of great Ganesh, now no one can tell I am not American.

Apu:Ah, here we are. A delightful buttermilk from 1961.

Apu:Well, as a vegetarian, I did not consume any tainted burgers, and as a convenience store owner, I am armed to the teeth.

Bart · Apu:How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals? I do! It enrages me! I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody. I'm a freaking Buddhist! A Buddhist!

Bart · Apu:'I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.' / 'I'm a freaking Buddhist! A Buddhist!'

Apu:according to the only honest newspaper: The Beijing daily worker.

Apu:I like rajiv, rubaba and big brahmin in the morning! No caste is safe from their merry japes!

Homer · Apu · Reverend:One of our wives is leaving us for Moe?! / Moe's leaving town?!

Apu:Which one of our wives got Moe-jacked?

Apu:When a woman is peaceful and content, that means all hell is about to break loose.

Apu · Homer:Think back, think back, think back... (rattling) Not that far back.

Apu · Homer:A woman her age married to a man of-- How old are you, 65? / Thirty-nine. / Dear God, this day gets more and more disturbing.

Apu:I feel the pain of a thousand squishee headaches.

Apu:The tastiest ice cream is the hardest to scoop. But if you wrap something warm around it...

Moe · Apu:Oh, I can't shoot him. I've got him next. Well, that is your bad luck, because he is mine right now. Come back in half an hour. He can be your accomplice.

Apu · Homer:America's enemies would give anything for your nuclear knowledge. Yeah, I do know a lot about nuclears.

Apu · Sanjay's ghost:Oh, Sanjay, how I wish that runaway jerky wagon killed me instead of you. Oh, I miss you, too, brother.

Apu:Crazy food indeed, my friend.

Apu:Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near, sir.

Apu:I have always considered you cash-giving cows to be my friends

Apu:Convenience forever, freshness never!

Apu:Because I have a gun, you must stick them up now!

Apu:Oh, sweet Vishnu the Destroyer, what have I done?

Apu:Every successful corporation harbors a terrible secret. Theirs is that what they sell as chicken is actually monkey.

Apu:Monkey, monkey, monkey!

Apu:We discuss why airplane go crash-crash but people don't die-die.

Apu:Some say they're powered by decaying nitrates, others by tiny insects beneath the hot dog skins.

Milhouse · Apu:Hello, Mr. Kirk. I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses. Polarized.

Apu:It says those are for her pleasure.

Apu:Sir, can you please turn up the bubbles so we can argue in private here?

Apu · Homer:I see you are wearing the bald man's beret. Is it that obvious? Oh, yes. The only thing that screams 'I am hiding hairlessness' more is a goatee.

Apu:A cowboy hat means 'I'm ashamed of my small penis.' Don't even ask me what this means! Yee-haw! I'm a-compensatin'!

Apu · Chief Wiggum:Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me? Lay off, Apu. When I look at people, I don't see colors. I just see crackpot religions.

Apu:No...!

Apu:People, I'm completely out of milk! I do have several DVDs of the movie Milk, an inspiring return to form for director Gus Van Sant.

Customer · Apu · Apu:Uh, do you have Life of Pi? / No, but I have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog. / People who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie.