Bart and Milhouse explore the perks of adulthood following a shaving experiment.
WAR
44.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Hardly Kirk Ing” ranks #207 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 80.0 — Elite. The episode packs 52 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Milhouse Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Milhouse: I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss.
Milhouse Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Milhouse · Saleswoman: Just looking for a casual hookup? Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines.
Bart: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
Bart Dark/Subversive Callback Callback Homer: If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no.
Homer Character Comedy ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 52 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Finally, a kid's show that isn't trying to sell you something. Which reminds me, we need to order more rectangles.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Absurdist ★ Rewatch Lisa · Marge: Well, the obvious question is, why did I turn out so academically superior while Bart... While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way.
Lisa: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.
Lisa Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch TV narrator: This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers.
Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
Marge: The way children did from 1910 to 2002.
Marge Observational Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: If I buy you, why do I need all these books?
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Comic Book Guy · Child: Who's Milli Vanilli? I don't know, kid. I didn't write this.
Store employee: Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here.
Homer: Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
Homer: Candy cane in the umbrella stand: oldest trick in the book.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer: If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no.
Homer Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Marge: I couldn't get through a day without Doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.
Marge Observational Character Comedy Marge: What the hell is an epoxy fight?
Marge Setup/Punchline Visual Gag Marge: Don't worry, I'll clean it up. Get me some whip cream and a safety scissors.
Milhouse: I always wanted to wear a necktie. Mom says they make you more... ...of a man.
Milhouse Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Milhouse: Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price?
Milhouse (as Kirk): I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy, and I disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach.
Homer: Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Milhouse: I can reach the poisons now, each with an inviting skull and crossbones.
Milhouse (as Kirk): You know what's itchy and what's not.
Milhouse: I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss.
Milhouse Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Milhouse: I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss.
Milhouse: I rented a truck. I'm driving a truck. I crashed a truck. I rented another truck.
Milhouse (as Kirk): I'd give you all my money, but my wallet is Velcroed too tight.
Bully · Bart: You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen. An adult-- he's buying it.
Milhouse · Apu: Hello, Mr. Kirk. I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses. Polarized.
Apu: It says those are for her pleasure.
Milhouse: Hmm, more money for schools. That could translate into more homework.
Election official: I know this is highly illegal, but you're not leaving this booth till you punch yes. Don't bother screaming for help. This is a municipal off-cycle election. There's no one for miles.
Lisa: Their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks.
Lisa Character Comedy Observational Marge: The U.S. Embassy has warned people not to go to downtown Springfield.
Marge Observational Absurdist Puppet show performer: Nobody leave till every puppet dead.
Puppet show performer: Long before the Teutonic slaughters visited upon our people, there was the massacre by Mstislov of Kiev in 1132.
Milhouse: Hello, Lisa. Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he-he's my son.
Milhouse Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Lisa: Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesn't make you man enough to be my dad.
Lisa Character Comedy Visual Gag Homer: Highlights for... D'oh!
Homer Character Comedy Visual Gag Homer: Thimble from Monopoly game. Wondered where that was. $25 casino chip. The smallest nesting doll.
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Homer · Marge: Can you find anything you like in this bed? Just my honey pie.
Lisa · Milhouse: Well, if I look at your face, I get sick. Young man, apologize to your sister.
Milhouse Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Milhouse Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Bart: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
Bart Dark/Subversive Callback Callback Lisa: That's all you pay for screwing up a child for life?
Lisa Character Comedy Observational Milhouse: But what if we can't afford not to buy it?
Homer: How many kids will jazz corrupt?
Homer Character Comedy Absurdist Homer: Though, some days, I have a girl buddy on field trips.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Milhouse · Saleswoman: Just looking for a casual hookup? Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines.
Saleswoman: I love how your arms are too short and thin for your legs. Just like a crocodile.
Lisa: The top of your head has a 5:00 shadow.
Lisa Observational Visual Gag Homer · Bart: Son, promise you will never look like me. I sure hope not.
Homer: That's not a heart-warming thing to end on!
Homer Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Top Episodes — The Simpsons
