Love Is A Many Splintered Thing

Homer:D'oh!

Unknown narrator:The Szyslaks. Already cancelled.

Bart:Everything I know about women can be summed up by a jump-rope rhyme: 'Girls go to Mars to buy candy bars, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.'

Bart:Except I didn't have to go to Jupiter to get stupider. I had a bigger ball of gas I could study.

Homer:Ladies, please! You can boss me around, just one at a time!

GPS · Homer:Switching to male voice... so you will obey. Finally! A supervisor!

Bart · Bully:Can't I just stick it in Skinner's sloppy joe? It would actually be the only meat in said Joe.

Bully 1 · Bully 2:Not everything can be solved with Skinner pranks, Bart. Yeah, think outside the Skinner box.

Mary · Bart:I only got work as a hand model. That's your hand? Just the thumb.

Bart · Mary:Get out of my face, cootie breath! I did miss you. You stink! Come over Saturday. I'm gonna have to push you in the mud now. Don't you pig-waller me, mister! Do what you must, darlin'.

Bart:That sure makes up for my dad beating me last night. And for my dyslexia.

Mary:Thank God I wore the underwear with the hole on the side.

Mary:I'm a farm girl. I already milked the cows, overcame a bout of prairie madness, and made you some sausage and biscuits.

Bart:So like a schmuck, I treat her like day-old matzo.

Bart:Doctors Without Borders, you're now doctors without faces!

Mary:Ask his girlfriend, the game.

Bart:She knows she's the apple of the corner of my eye.

Mary's family member:We hope it's a nap.

Spuckler family member:That'll teach him to try to preserve our folk singing for posterity.

City folk singer · Spuckler:It'll prove I'm not wasting my life. You realize you just ruined the recording.

Spuckler family member:But no one blows on a blade of grass like you.

Mary:Eight more payments and I own this.

Mary · Mary:But there ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.

Bart:Like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.

Spuckler sisters:We's gonna practice kissing with this French-Canadian mountain man. He's still wearing leg shackles.

Bart:What? It's the plural of Milhouse. Look it up.

Bart:More like balder and wider.

Homer:I'll teach you to say something that sounds similar!

TV host:Isn't it funny how all people are of equal worth?

Barry:Please do not boycott my line of power tools.

Barry · Host:No, they ain't. We're back together. Then you got no act.

Devon Peacock:I can finally get my suspender buckled!

Spuckler:Looks like we got a feud with the Peacocks now.

Video game character:Slash her face now, Bart. Slash it while she least expects it.

Bart:Um... lifting people's spirits is an interesting topic. For centuries, Neanderthal and astronaut alike have enjoyed lifting spirits.

Mary:You're givin' me book report talk.

Brazilian producer:Know him? Before he was famous, he kidnapped my mother!

Brazilian producer's son:I am the first boy to get my own liquor ad.

Bart:Usually, I only have music one hour a week, and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for Fire Island.

Bart:At that moment, I had a vision of every time in my life an angry woman would say 'Everything's fine.'

Melvis:I brung you regrets from my sister. She has been de-avoidably untained.

Moe:Woman are life's great mystery, along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant?

Moe:I know a date that will turn this mighty Aphrodite into your purple rose of Cairo. Those are movies I made. It's my oeuvre. It sounds dirty, but it's not.

Moe:It's like my second wedding night, except more walkouts and there were no refunds.

Mary:Back pats? This is a breakup.

Mary:There's a pot for every possum.

Old Joe Clabby:Hey, you're a pretty little thing, you are, but ticktock, ticktock.

Spuckler family member:I told you this would happen if you dated outside the family.

Police officer:Sure do like forcing people to leave areas.

Marge:You should know that me saying I don't care means I couldn't care more.

Marge:I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you're some kind of human being separate from myself.

Marge:You're both in the doghouse, which is misleading 'cause I still like the dog.

Homer:And by the way, the paint's a little faded on my parking spot.

Hotel clerk · Bart:It just says somebody died in this room in the last 72 hours. Aw, man, we just missed it.

Bart:I thought I was calling the Suicide Not Line, because I'm doing great.

Mary:Great. Turns out Adele was right. Ain't nothing better for songwriting than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain.

Mary:And I can't even tell where his hair meets his forehead

Bart:Why did I buy her that rhyming dictionary?

Mary:It just poured out of me like venom from a snake.

Bart:It's hurting my eyes!

Homer:It's so great here-- no wife to get mad at you for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room.

Homer:Hard to believe that country used to rule anything.

Homer:And I promise to do the things I checked off within a year.

Bart:But I'm the main guy in this story. Things are supposed to work out for me.

Mary · Brazilian producer:Everyone is the main guy in their own story. My friend, welcome to my story.

Bart:And that's when I learned Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk with an arrow.

Bart:Love-- what is it? What does it mean? How do you spell it? No one knows.

Video game:Remember, this game is for age 14 or under. If you are older than that, please get help.

Phone system:The widow Mary Spuckler.

Mystery character:You played that like a combination of Willie Mays and Paul Cézanne.