The Joy Of Sect

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Airports are educational, boy. You learn about geography, different cultures, and the concept of delayed flights.

Security Guard:Sir, I need to see your ID.

Homer:I don't have to show you anything! This is America!

Security Guard:Sir, you need an ID to fly.

Homer:Fine, fine. But how do I know YOU'RE really a security guard? Show me your badge!

Security Guard:Here's my badge, sir.

Homer:That could be fake! I need more proof!

Security Guard:Is this your son?

Homer:Yeah, that's Bart.

Security Guard:He says you're his father.

Homer:Well, that's good enough for me!

Customer:Do you have any sophisticated literature?

Airport Vendor:Lady, this is an airport. We sell gum, magazines, and dreams of a better life.

Moe:Everything costs so much these days! A beer costs five bucks, a burger costs eight, rent's through the roof!

Moe:But you know what? Whoever's running this economy is a genius. I mean, look at the margins on this stuff!

Bart:A liver transplant? Ew!

Homer:Why you little!

Homer:I'm gonna get you!

Homer:Come back here with my donut!

Recruiter:Hello, I'm here to talk to you about joining our faith community.

Homer:Not interested. Bart, get away from that man!

Recruiter:Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, the Golden Rule. So what's the catch?

Homer:A distant home planet? Sign me up!

Homer:Finally, a religion that makes sense.

Recruiter:Homer, would you be interested in joining the Army Reserve? It's just one weekend a month.

Homer:One weekend a month?

Recruiter:That's right.

Homer:So I'd have a free weekend every month?

Recruiter:Well, no. You'd be working one weekend a month.

Homer:Right, right. So I'd have three free weekends a month?

Recruiter:Homer, there are only four weekends in a month.

Homer:So you're saying... I'd have a free weekend?

Football Player:Look at all these fans coming to see me! They must love me!

Football Player:Wait, why are they carrying torches and pitchforks?

Angry Fan:That's it! I'm gonna kill you!

Angry Fan:Wait, no — if I kill you, you won't suffer! I'm gonna break your legs!

Angry Fan:No, that's not enough either! I'm gonna break your legs AND your arms!

Angry Fan:Then I'm gonna make you watch as I burn your house down!

Angry Fan:And THEN I'm gonna kill you!

Homer:Marge, don't worry. I'm not gonna join the Movementarians. I'm just gonna pretend to join so I can get some of their free donuts and then leave.

Marge:Homer, that's exploitation!

Homer:Yeah, well, they started it by having delicious donuts.

Homer:I can't be fooled by salespeople. I'm too smart.

Marge:Homer, you just bought a timeshare in a swamp.

Homer:Exactly! And I got a great deal on it.

Lisa:Dad, you're too suggestible. You believe anything anyone tells you.

Homer:That's not true!

Lisa:See? You just believed me.

Homer:Oh... D'oh!

Homer:Hey, everybody! I'm here to kick ass and take names!

Homer:Wait... where is everybody?

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:So who's the leader?

Recruiter:We don't believe in leaders. We are all equal in the eyes of the Leader.

Homer:Beer... gone? No beer?

Homer:Homer need beer. Beer make Homer happy. Without beer, Homer sad. Homer angry. Homer... grunt.

Recruiter:Sir, are you alright?

Homer:Me not alright. Me very not alright. Brain need beer-juice or Homer become caveman.

Recruiter:We offer spiritual fulfillment instead of beer.

Homer:What kind of beer?

Recruiter:The Leader knows your family is miserable.

Homer:Maggie's unhappy?

Homer:Woo-hoo! Free movie!

Homer:Why you little!

Homer:Hey, this video quality is terrible. The lighting is all wrong, and what's with this cheap-o camera work?

Homer:I mean, if you're gonna brainwash people, at least do it in HD.

Homer:I gotta go.

Marge:Where are you going?

Homer:Uh... work! Yeah, work. I love work. Best place ever. Almost as good as home. Which is also great. You're great too, honey. The kids? Adorable. Everything's perfect here.

Marge:Homer, what's going on?

Homer:Nothing! Nothing at all! I just suddenly realized how much I appreciate this family and this house and... I really gotta go!

Otto:Whoa, this place is like, totally weird, man. It's got major cult vibes, dude.

Otto:I'm outta here!

Otto:*drives away*

Recruiter:Otto, where are you going?

Otto:Oh, uh, I gotta rearrange my underwear drawer, man.

Recruiter:Your underwear drawer?

Otto:Yeah, the elastic's all bunched up and stuff. It's gonna take like, hours.

Homer:Wait, it says here 'guaranteed perfect life.' But look at the fine print: 'results may vary.' That's false advertising!

Homer:Okay, I'm in. Where do I sign?

Homer:So what's this movie about?

Recruiter:Well, it's a complex thriller about international espionage and—

Homer:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got bored halfway through and came up with my own movie.

Recruiter:You... what?

Homer:It's called 'The guy who ate all the donuts.' It's got three sequels and a Broadway musical.

Recruiter:Look, Homer, this is serious. We need to discuss your future.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, my future. I'm listening.

Recruiter:The point is, you need to start thinking about—

Homer:Ooh! Is that a woodpecker?

Recruiter:Homer, we're going to do something called a judgment circle. Everyone will share their honest feelings about you.

Cult Member 1:Homer, you're stupid!

Cult Member 2:You're a terrible father!

Cult Member 3:Your wife doesn't respect you!

Cult Member 4:You have no friends!

Recruiter:See? Everyone agrees!

Homer:Yeah, well, you're all idiots!

Homer:D'oh! Wait, that's me they're talking about. Yeah, okay, fair point.

Recruiter:You're lazy, stupid, and a terrible father.

Homer:Wow, you really know your stuff!

Moe:Homer, you smell like a dead fish wrapped in a gym sock.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well let me check.

Homer:Yep, he's right. I do smell bad.

Recruiter 1:How is he not weakened by starvation?

Recruiter 2:He ate everyone's food, including ours.

Homer:Hey, you gonna eat that?

Homer:Listen here, bony, how about you hand over that sandwich?

Recruiter:Now everyone join in with our chant!

All:We are droning and repetitive! We are droning and repetitive!

Recruiter:Your resistance to our brainwashing is remarkable. Most men would have crumbled by now.

Homer:Brainwashing? I don't even know what that means.

Recruiter:Exactly. A mind like yours cannot be penetrated. You are truly a superior intellect.

Homer:Marge, I joined a cult.

Marge:What?!

Homer:We worship the sun.

Marge:Oh my God!

Homer:We chant at dawn, give all our money to the leader, and wear matching robes.

Marge:Homer, no!

Homer:And we're planning to move to a compound in the desert where we'll all live together.

Marge:That's it, I'm leaving you!

Homer:I gave them my savings, my car, and I agreed to work for them for the next ten years.

Homer:Then twenty years.

Homer:Then the rest of my life.

Homer:Then fifty years after I die.

Marge:Homer, I can't believe you joined a cult!

Homer:It's not a cult, Marge. It's a relaxing faith-based community.

Marge:They're brainwashing you!

Homer:Well, I'd expect my own family to be more supportive. I thought you loved me.

Marge:I do love you, but—

Homer:Then you'll join too, right?

Bart:Dad, were you brainwashed?

Homer:No, no, no. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

Homer:Kill Bart. Kill Bart. Kill Bart.

Bart:What's the difference between a church and a cult?

Homer:One has a super bowl commercial.

Bart:Nah, the real difference is how long you have to sit there before you realize you're bored out of your mind.

Recruiter:This house is yours, free and clear!

Homer:Free? But how?

Recruiter:Let's just say I have my ways.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you this special report. A new cult has been discovered operating right here in Springfield.

Kent Brockman:The so-called 'Church of the Red Laser' has been recruiting members and... *suppresses laugh* ...and asking them to donate all their worldly possessions. *clears throat* I'm sorry, I shouldn't find that amusing. This is serious journalism. *barely contains laughter* We'll have more details after these messages.

Radio DJ:We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. A cult has taken over the town of Springfield.

Radio DJ:We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, brought to you by our new sponsors at the Springfield Cult.

Recruiter:You'll be assigned housing for 100,000 years.

Homer:D'oh! But what about after that?

Lisa:I'm sure this CB radio phase will pass like all the others.

Homer:Breaker breaker, good buddy! Rubber duck, rubber duck!

Bart:Dude, this cult's got some serious sinister stuff going on.

Cult Leader:Silence, simpleton! Soon our sinister scheme shall succeed spectacularly!

Cult Leader:*evil cackle*

Reverend Lovejoy:These cult practices are an abomination! Blind obedience, blind faith, worshipping a charismatic leader without question...

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare for Sunday service. Remember everyone, don't ask questions, just do exactly what I say, and give generously to the collection plate.

Ned:Reverend, the collection plate is looking mighty sparse this week.

Reverend Lovejoy:Yes, Nedward. Perhaps we need an emergency collection plate as backup.

Ned:An emergency collection plate? That's brilliant! It's like spiritual triage!

Marge:This is ridiculous! When Homer and I got married, he promised me I'd never have to do farm labor!

Homer:That's not what I promised, Marge.

Marge:Yes, you did! You said 'I promise to love, honor, and keep you away from any agricultural work.'

Homer:I said 'I promise to love, honor, and obey' — and frankly, I haven't been great about that last part.

Homer:A foreign car? That's un-American!

Cult Member 1:Our leader's dust is the finest dust!

Cult Member 2:No, our leader's dust is purer!

Cult Member 1:Our leader's dust has more spiritual particles!

Cult Member 2:Well, our leader's dust is blessed by the cosmos itself!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm told this cult gets a tax exemption. I want one too!

Smithers:Sir, I'm afraid the IRS doesn't recognize your religion of... worshipping yourself.

Mr. Burns:Blast! Well, how much does this cult actually pay in taxes?

Smithers:Almost nothing, sir. They're completely exempt.

Mr. Burns:What?! Those lucky dogs! And here I thought I was getting away with something!

Mr. Burns:I shall choose the Star of David as my personal symbol.

Smithers:But sir, isn't that the symbol of Judaism?

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, but I like the six-pointed star. It's so... pointy.

Smithers:Sir, I believe you're thinking of the Star on the Cheerios box.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes! Now that's a symbol I can get behind!

Mr. Burns:Yes, hello, God? You've reached Mr. Burns. I'd like to discuss a hostile takeover of Heaven.

Homer:You know, I'd worship you, Mr. Burns, but that cereal's just too good.

Mr. Burns:Homer, I'm offering you divine power!

Homer:Yeah, yeah, but does divine power come with a prize inside?

Homer:Wow, a mass wedding! Finally, a ceremony where nobody cares if you show up!

Cult Member:We believe in the sanctity of marriage through our leader's divine guidance.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, that's great. At least you're not like those arranged marriage people. I mean, somebody picking out your wife? That's crazy!

Homer:I picked out mine myself, and look how that turned out!

Cult Member 1:So who's going to be the wife?

Cult Member 2:I thought you were!

Cult Member 1:Well, I'm not wearing a dress.

Cult Member 2:Neither am I!

Teacher:What causes the tides?

Bart:The Leader.

Teacher:Correct. What holds the planets in orbit?

Bart:The Leader.

Teacher:Correct. What is the scientific name for the fear of long words?

Bart:The Leader.

Teacher:Correct.

Lisa:Oh my God, they're teaching him that the square root of four is purple!

Lisa:And that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, but only on Tuesdays!

Lisa:This is epistemological nihilism wrapped in a candy coating of pure stupidity!

Homer:Ooh, look! A Leader-shaped bean!

Marge:Oh Homer, I'm sure your lima bean entry will be wonderful!

Homer:Thanks Marge.

Marge:You're going to win first prize at the county fair, I just know it!

Homer:You really think so?

Marge:Of course, honey. I believe in you. I always have.

Homer:Aww, thanks Marge.

Marge:Why... why is it just a blank space? There's nothing there, Homer. NOTHING! *sobbing* How could you?!

Willie:Aye, I'll deprogram ye for fifty bucks.

Willie:A hundred if ye put up a fight.

Willie:Two hundred, and I'll throw in a murder.

Willie:Aye, and if ye sign up for the full package, I'll throw in murder for free.

Marge:Murder?

Willie:Aye, murder. It's a freebie.

Homer:Marge? In the Leader's chair? Let me see if you're worthy. Hmm... nope, you look like a lima bean.

Willie:Ye put up less of a fight than the Reverend!

Lovejoy:Hey!

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-do! I've got some lemon bars fresh from the oven, and I've just finished organizing my sock drawer by thread count!

Willie:Ned, we're in the middle of a kidnapping!

Ned:Oh, well, would you like some lemon bars, Willie? They're made with love and a pinch of cinnamon!

Ned:Welcome to my basement, Willie. As you can see, I've organized everything by biblical virtue.

Willie:Och, what in blazes? 'Wholesome storage solutions'? 'Chastity shelving'? This is the most nauseating thing I've ever seen, and I once drank a bottle of expired milk!

Lawyer:We're taking immediate legal action for slander!

Homer:Oh! Okay, okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I take it back.

Bart:Wow, hover bikes! Cowabunga!

Lisa:Goodbye, Leader.

Willie:Ach, they've abandoned me already!

Willie:Ach, ye dinnae really think we had hover bikes, did ye?

Bart:Wait, what? You mean this whole time—

Lisa:It was all an elaborate hoax?

Ned:Well, I provided the sound effects. Vwooooom! Vwooooom! Whirrrrrr!

Willie:Aye, just some old bicycles and Neddy makin' noises with his mouth.

Bart:Dude, we got totally played.

Marge:Maybe you should try a different approach, Willie.

Willie:Ach, what would ye know about it?

Homer:Willie, Leader brand beer is the finest brew ever made!

Willie:Ye know, ye might be onto something there, Homer.

Homer:Mmm... beer...

Homer:Wait, what was I thinking about? Oh yeah, the thread count on those Egyptian cotton sheets...

Homer:Mmm... 1200 thread count...

Ned:Well, howdy-doodly, Homer! Come on in, won't you?

Homer:Thanks, Flanders!

Ned:I'd be delighted-diddly to pour you a cold one. Here you go!

Ned:Oops! I seem to have poured the whole dang pitcher right into your lap. So sorry-orino!

Marge:Homer is my husband. I'm taking him back.

Cult Leader:You can't take him. He belongs to us now.

Marge:He's my family!

Cult Leader:Not anymore. None of them are. The children belong to us too.

Homer:Wait, you lied to us? There IS a spaceship!

Leader:Well, yes, but it's a really good one.

Leader:If you don't return the stone, all of humanity will be destroyed!

Homer:Oh, so what you're saying is no pressure.

Willie:Och, I'll go doon with me ship like a true captain!

Willie:Och noo, she's goin' doon! Mayday, mayday!

Leader:We need your help. We're looking for the messiah.

Farmer:Well, I ain't no messiah. But I'll take a bribe.

Moe:Well, that cult didn't work out. Back to voodoo, I guess.

Homer:You know, I've been thinking about all the good things in my life. My job, my family, my beer... But most of all, I gotta thank Marge. She's like an angel sent from heaven to provide me with beer.

Lisa:Mom, I'm so glad you respect my independent thinking and don't just mindlessly agree with everything Dad says.

Marge:That's right, honey. Your father is always right.

TV Announcer:You're watching Fox.

Homer:You're watching Fox.

Marge:You're watching Fox.

Bart:You're watching Fox.

Lisa:You're watching Fox.

Maggie:You're watching Fox.