Smithers

Smithers:That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic. / He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor. / Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I love you, Smithers. The feeling is more than mutual, sir

Smithers:The feeling is more than mutual, sir

Smithers:He's a love machine, sir.

Smithers:Accidents decreased by the number Simpson is known to have caused.

Smithers:$1000. Dimoxinil. To keep brain from freezing.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Approximately $56 million. / 56 million?! / Don't hit me, sir

Smithers:I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions will accomplish

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Spit on this for me, Smithers. One hawker coming up, sir.

Homer · Smithers · Mr. Burns:What a lame-o! I could hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up!

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Should I leave too, sir? Of course not, Smithers. You're like a doctor.

Smithers:He's not just my boss. He's my best friend.

Smithers · Burns:I'm B-positive. Damn this gutter blood! Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.

Smithers · Burns:I'm sorry. But I just couldn't hurt Homer. He saved you. I see.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G.

Smithers:T.G.I.M., sir

Smithers:Who the devil is Hercules? My Yorkshire terrier. He's tiny. You know, it's a joke.

Smithers:Actually, he was hired under 'Project Bootstrap.' Thank you, President Ford.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:There may never be another time to say... I love you, sir. Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments socially awkward.

Homer · Smithers:I guess there's nothing left... but to kiss my sorry ass good-bye. May I, sir?

Smithers · Mr. Burns:The man in the bag. I think he's alive. Oh. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied?

Smithers · Mr. Burns:I didn't do anything funny, sir. / Shut up.

Smithers:You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:He was good to his mother. Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said. 'Mr. Burns...hound dog.' Stop it. You're killing me, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big. Stop it, Mr. Burns. Protect me from the Germans! Stop it! Get out! This is my office now!

Smithers:No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Honus Wagner, Cap Anson... Mordecai Brown-- Uh, sir... I'm afraid all those players have retired... and, uh, passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.

Smithers · Baseball Player:Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer.

Smithers:Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Dogs are idiots. If I came into your house... and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face... what would you say? If you did it, sir? Exactly. You'd be fit to be tied.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:He's been here since the late '60s. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too groovy.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:I think women and seamen don't mix. We know what you think.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Closer. Closer. Closer, damnit! Ow! Too close.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:That's right. Keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. [Chuckling] There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

Smithers · Mr. Burns · Homer:Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

Smithers · Mr. Burns:I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Yes, that will do. Anyway... I-I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

Smithers · Burns:Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor... you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown... and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:No, I'm afraid he couldn't 'bee' here.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges. The painters moved your desk, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:You must find the jade monkey... before the next full moon. Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey.

Burns · Smithers:I won't get what I really want. - No one does.

Smithers:I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.

Burns · Smithers:Have the Rolling Stones killed. Oh, sir, those aren't-- Do as I say!

Smithers:I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot. Now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!

Smithers:the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word 'suckers' in it.

Burns · Smithers:Smithers, I'm home! What? Already? Yes. Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse?

Burns · Smithers:From now on I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone! I'm sorry, sir. I don't have a pencil. Ah, don't worry. I'm sure I'll remember it.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. Sir, you have to let go of the button. Oh, son of a bit--

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. - I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off!

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes! - That's quite a nice model, sir. - Model?

Burns · Smithers:Smithers, I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. / Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. - Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!

Smithers · Mr. Burns:And, uh, the jars of urine? - Oh, we'll hang on to those.

Smithers · Burns:And, uh, the jars of urine? - Oh, we'll hang on to those.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! - But, sir-- - I said hop in.

Smithers:Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors. I'll see you at StacyCon '94, at the San Diego Airport Hilton.

Smithers:Do we sell French... fries? I-- Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.

Smithers · Computer:You're quite good... at turning... me on. Um, you probably should ignore that.

Burns · Smithers:Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know. I'll go find a spherical one.

Smithers:Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead! [Sobbing] Why do the good always die so young?

Burns · Smithers:When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. Oh. Goody.

Burns · Smithers:Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. I think it's a rock, sir. We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Bart · Smithers:Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. Ow! That was a big one!

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Whoop-dee-do, sir. / Yes, whoop-dee-do. Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical Trainer. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President.

Smithers:I... sent it to you on your birthday.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Smithers' romantic fantasy about Mr. Burns

Bart · Smithers:Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

Smithers:Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views... conflict with my choice of lifestyle.

Smithers:...and five John Denver Christmas specials.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:As punishment for your desertion... it's company policy to give you the plague. Sir, that's the 'plaque.' Yes, the special de-motivational plaque...

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, are they booing me? No. They're saying, 'Boo-urns, Boo-urns.'

Smithers · Doctor:Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How we doing, boys? / Well, we're up to 15.

Smithers:Honestly, sir, you don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

Smithers:I really like the vest.

Smithers:Sorry, sir. This was all I could find. Take that. And that.

Smithers:There's candy right here. Why don't we eat this instead of stealing.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it.

Smithers:Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The sundial will be useless.

Smithers:No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Smithers:Oh, dear God. It's not that bad. I mean... I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Sir, you weren't shot. It was all a dream. That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby!

Smithers · Mr. Burns:This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it. - Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a 'larf.'

Smithers · Kent Brockman:Kent, I- I feel about as low as Madonna... when she found out she missed Tailhook. - I'm gonna say ouch for Madonna.

Smithers · Crowd:Dead or alive. - Holy cow! Me first! Me first!

Mr. Burns · Smithers:You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. - That's a good one. Hey- Hey-

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? - No. I'd still prefer not.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? - Mmm. If you did it, sir?

Smithers:His ass is gonna blow!

Mr. Burns · Smithers:The one who shot me was- Waylon Smithers! - No-o! Wait a minute. Yes.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. - Ohh!

Smithers · Burns:Sir, that's a check for your boweling. - Oh, yes. That's very important.

Smithers · Burns:Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it? - Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned.

Burns · Smithers:Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement. - I have a much uglier word for it, sir: misappropriation.

Smithers:Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork-and-spoon operators from Sector 7G.

Smithers:Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.

Smithers:Unlikely, sir. They-They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Smithers:Uh, there are no other balls. Just these, uh, reptile eggs! Oh, step away! They're endangered.

Homer · Smithers:Bull hockey! I don't care about joining this stupid club. But does your wife?

Smithers:I pickled the figs myself.

Smithers:Could we keep it in first gear for a couple laps?

Smithers:I failed you, and I'll never forgive myself. Never! Never! Never!

Smithers:I've alphabetized your breakfast.

Smithers:I've laminated today's newspaper.

Smithers:Oh! I can't even grovel properly. I'm a buffoon.

Smithers:I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore!

Smithers:714 names? Better be more specific. Lazy. Clumsy. Dimwitted. Monstrously ugly.

Smithers:Nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Smithers:it's just 2,800 small jobs.

Smithers:moistening his eyeballs... assisting with his chewing and swallowing... lying to Congress

Smithers:She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

Smithers:He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.

Smithers · Race announcer:Do we need all those 'mayhems'? We do.

Smithers:I'll wager dollars to doughnuts... he still can't handle a call from his mother.

Smithers:Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated.

Smithers:I've got Bobo, hot from the dryer. Careful not to burn yourself on his eye.

Smithers:They cause me to, uh, die.

Smithers:perhaps if we wait, nature will assassinate him for us.

Smithers:It's been an honor to serve you, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Mr. Burns on Ticketmaster: 'Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge.' 'Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir'

Smithers:Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

Burns · Smithers:Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won. Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

Burns · Smithers:Oh, this may take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement? I'll be a one-man conga line.

Smithers:I'll be a one-man conga line.

Smithers:Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry... but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger... he will observe him through a powerful telescope.

Smithers:My parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Something gay, no doubt? - What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.

Smithers · Crowd:It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns. - Oh, it's Mr. Burns. Kill it! Kill it!

Smithers:The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

Smithers:Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?

Smithers:This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.

Smithers:Not bloody likely.

Smithers:Perfect. That's just perfect!

Smithers:Oh, great. It's the Bobbsey Twins.

Bart · Smithers:That moose is on fire! Fine. Good. I don't care anymore.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:What's this strange sensation in my chest? I think your heart's beating again.

Smithers · Mr. Burns · Lisa:How dare you question Mr. Burns? - I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

Smithers:Actually, sir, it's considerably less than that.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. - Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

Hitman wrestler · Smithers:This place has got old man stink. - Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

Smithers:Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely.

Smithers · Burns:I really like the vest. I gathered, yeah.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax-exempt status. Actually, sir, with our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year. [Gasps] You're right. We're getting screwed.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:We'll use this special 'K.' I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir. And people worship it? In a way.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. - You don't have to tell me, sir.

Homer · Mr. Burns · Smithers:It's my first day. / Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. / That's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years.

Smithers:Uh, that really was more of a burgundy.

Homer · Smithers:And it has 'freedom' written all over it. Sir, that's Cuba.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers- [Sniffles] You think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? - There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:How's my kite doing, Smithers? Oh, it's, uh, soaring majestically, sir.

Child · Mr. Burns · Smithers:You're it. We'll see about that. After him, Smithers. Aaah! You're not it!

Smithers:Well, it's their loss, sir.

Smithers:Would you like me to drain Simpson while he's passed out, sir?

Smithers:They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, I think I'm in love! - Hah! - With this sculpture.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? Uh, I don't see one, sir. No, of course not. The very notion of a talking banana is absurd. Still-

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, we're at war! I'll begin profiteering, sir. And hoarding.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Burns: 'Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?' Smithers: 'Homer Simpson, sir?' Burns: 'Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.'

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc? Homer Simpson, sir? Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Burns discovers damaged monkey: 'Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?' Smithers: 'This monkey is going to need most of your skin.'

Smithers:he had it converted into a human chessboard

Smithers:Hey, Burns has been gone for a while. Let's make a run for it.

Smithers:That was my thumb.

Smithers:Well, it's just you and me here, sir.

Smithers:He'll pick you up at 7:00. Wear a petticoat.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I told you, I pissed it away! Don't make that face. / Yes, that's the one.

Smithers:This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. We could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.

Smithers:Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

Smithers:Oh, Mr. Burns! You were too beautiful for this world.

Smithers:Michael Eisner's been dead for five years. Ted Turner's just a hologram.

Smithers:I'm ready, sir. Number one, the Kingston Trio.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Should I call them off, sir? - No, no. It's their Christmas too.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Oh, Smithers, guide me in. / My pleasure, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, what's my password? / It's your age, sir. / Excellent.

Smithers:And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:You eliminated that program in the '30s, sir. They were getting too grabby!

Burns · Smithers:Fly, stupid! I tried to explain that this machine does not really flying. Smithers, he must believe!

Smithers · Burns:Sir, my thyroid swells. Stop that! I need your throat for my speech.

Bart · Smithers:Mr. Smithers? I thought you were... you know... No, I'm straight. As long as I take these injections every ten minutes.

Smithers:I love boobies!

Smithers:I believe it's a manatee posing as homer simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Oh, that's cute. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Actually, sir, I believe he's about to die of dehydration.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Kill them, Smithers. // You could just buy a new car, sir. // Well... whatever's easier.

Smithers:May I suggest an Oldsmobile?

Smithers:That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Kill them, Smithers. / You could just buy a new car, sir. / Well... whatever's easier.

Smithers:May I suggest an Oldsmobile?

Smithers:That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Those are corpses. / You never like my friends.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I need your advice picking out a gift for a very dear friend... A single fellow, a bit quiet, but one with a warm, loyal heart

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Hello, Phillip. What are you doing here? Oh-ho. Never you mind, Mr. Nosey

Burns · Smithers:We pay him in limes That's right, limes.

Smithers:Please get me out of here. It's 11:59:59.

Smithers:Shadow and Winston have been fighting a lot. Put Winston in the front. Winston doesn't like the front.

Smithers:Oh, the money you've contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.

Smithers:Actually, you only hired ten. A couple guys called in sick and the Jewish guy has to leave at sunset.

Smithers · Simon · Burns:All they had was Sunnytime Pink. / Premix? / I beg your forgiveness, lad. Smithers, pour it down your pants.

Burns · Smithers:Smithers, we're leading two to nothing. Run out the clock, boys. Run out the clock.

Smithers · Burns:Sir, were those real bullets? Yes. Was that a real gorilla? No. I see.

Smithers:I keep telling you I'm not an albino! I just use a lot of sun block.

Smithers:Sir, your cheeks are ruddy! Did you eat a sugar cube when I wasn't watching?

Burns · Smithers:Smithers, take my hands and clap them sarcastically.

Smithers:A chance to be the kind of boss I want to be. A little more... employee-friendly.

Smithers:A suggestion box that is no longer a guillotine for the hand.

Smithers:I used to wonder why Mr. Burns hated humanity. Now I know. You open your heart and they mock your very decency.

Smithers:Because he would inject me with coffee at 6:00 a.m. in the back of the head.

Smithers:Oh, yeah. He likes to stack men naked.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I'm going to cover this town with a dome! It's been done! Really? You don't say. Did you know about this? Mm-hmm. I see.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:In case you didn't hear me, I said I will never see you as my equal. I heard you very clearly, sir. Excellent.

Smithers:No one wants an executive assistant who only works out six hours a day.

Smithers:A Tom of Shelbyville?

Smithers:I don't find this funny at all. My time being wasted was not wasted.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Smithers, it's time to re-staff with the super-intelligent kangaroos we've been breeding! I'm sorry, sir, but they just filled their pouches with office supplies and hopped away. Even the joeys?

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Comicon nerds! You fool! These are robots!

Smithers:So we need one meat sock on the payroll.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:When I was in Africa, I had my skull cracked open by cannibals, and I'm still kicking! / Sir, that was your partner. You betrayed him to the cannibals. / Oh, that's right. I have his memories because I ate his brain.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Look at those delightful children, Smithers. All those healthy organs, ripe for the harvesting.

Smithers:Not here, sir. Not now.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:That's not your mother, that's your bear. Well, then, where's my stuffed mother?

Mr. Burns · Smithers:who certainly isn't me. Smithers, wink my eye.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Want to hit the hot tub, Burnsie? Well, I hate to get all pruney, but heated tubbery is what we playboys do.

Smithers:a man who claims to be a hero but is nothing more than a fraud with a cute little bod.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Which side won? Good or evil? Good. And which side was I on? Also good.

Smithers · Mr. Burns:We have a school full of professionals, sir. Really? Where is that school? Inside your head?

Smithers · Mr. Burns:Sir, that's two years from now, and you're not supposed to tell anyone. Oopsie.

Smithers:Sir, that's five minutes. You can stop thinking of other people now.

Burns · Smithers:Burns spending $26 million on surveillance to prevent $7,043 in office supply theft