A Midsummers Nice Dream

Homer:D'oh!

Kent Brockman:Here's a story that gives new meaning to the words 'puff piece.'

Marge · Homer:Cheech and Chong are from Springfield? Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce?

Kent Brockman:their 'joint' partnership

Tommy Chong:Why does everything have to have an 'ometer' on it? And what is rain, man? It's like we're in the apartment under God and his fat sister overflowed the tub.

Kent Brockman:the Clamphitheater, the $800 million boondoggle based on nothing more than a cute play on words

Bart:Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?

Homer · Bart:Bart, Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day. Who are Beavis and Butthead? I've failed as a parent.

Homer:I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Cheech · Chong · Homer:Open up. It's the police. Oh, man. I got to get rid of my grass. He's flushing his pot down the toilet-- unnecessarily!

Homer:Back then, we'd play these albums again and again till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops. Which was about three times.

Bart · Homer:These are comedy albums? The Noisy Minority. The Upside-Down Bubblegum Collective. The Regional Lampoon. The Plymouth Grok Experiment. Fro And Flo. Allan Sherman's Helter Shmelter.

Chief Wiggum · Lou:What are you guys doing up there? Hide the dope! We don't have any dope. Then, what did I just smoke?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies. There's no drugs in these brownies. I said 'confiscate'!

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh triple-XL. I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call. That was for pants.

Krusty:When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong, I said, 'How much?' And they said, 'We don't pay for introductions,' so I said, 'Then I don't need this crummy gig.' And they said, 'Yes, you do,' and I said... 'Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!'

Homer · Cheech:I thought they'd do bits, but their most famous bit? Dave's not here! Say the line, man. They already know the line. What's the surprise? What's the point? The point is they still give us a shoebox full of 20s to do this.

Chong · Cheech:Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man. I-I can't say it. What are you doing, man?! What am I doing? What am I... I'm experimenting, man. I'm growing as an artist, okay?

Chong:I'm a 72-year-old man. I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em. I can't play it safe anymore.

Chong:Well, how about this? Chong's not here, man.

Homer:I can't do reefer comedy. I'm drunk. Two different animals.

Mr. Burns:Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers...

Smithers:I don't find this funny at all. My time being wasted was not wasted.

Homer · Cheech:Will I get to meet Dave? There is no Dave. How about Don Johnson? It would be easier to meet Dave.

Marge:And remember, on the road, the only vice you can indulge in is gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.

Homer:Sweetie, don't worry. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.

Homer · Cheech:The van made of weed. It's not made of weed. Oh. What's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide? No. The van is just made of van.

Homer · Cheech:Can we get high from the fumes? No!

Skinner · Chong:Snap, snap. Our friendship died with the first snap, and you buried it with the second.

Comic:You ever notice how your nose makes boogers? What's up with that?

Comic:I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I'll pay the rent. My hero. Aw, who am I kidding? I don't got the money.

Skinner:I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant. Class, attention, attention, class, class. Shut up. Thank you.

Skinner:Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude is what inspired me to become an educator.

Chong:I want you to reinvent the wheel. No, de-invent the wheel. No. 'Re-unvent the whool.'

Professor Frink:A lot of people have cell phones, but I like to eat healthy, So I invented... the celery phone. Hello? Hello?

Chong:Wow. You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen. Which means, teaming up with you would be totally pushing the envelope.

Professor Frink:Mother, how did you get this number? It's a prop phone. Yes, I have your celery. I took the limpest stalk there was.

Bart · Homer:Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit where the Blockbuster used to be? Got a better idea?

Marge:Easter grass, Cable Ace Awards, aquariums full of broken pinball game parts, popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble, sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys

Lisa · Marge:I hate to say this about the Cat Lady, but I think she's crazy. She's a hoarder.

Marge · Lisa · Bart:Like a reality show without the cameras. You mean, just reality. Yeah, that's what you think. Cut, print, mail to NBC.

Cheech · Homer:That's funny, Homer. Now we really have to work on the show. Oh, yeah, I get you-- 'work on the show.' Maybe we should start at 4:20, right? Marijuana reference! Yeah, I got it.

Homer · Cheech:Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun. It is fun! The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets a good value for their hard-earned dollar!

Homer:♪ Cheech is really mad ♪ ♪ I wish that I had gone with Cho-ong. ♪

Cat Lady:Memory, All alone in the moonlight, I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then... Ah, so beautiful!

Marge:A perfectly good hot lather dispenser. I can't count the number of times Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather.

Marge:All of J.D. Salinger's books, except Catcher In The Rye!

Groundskeeper Willie:She's crazy, but I'd do her.

Skinner:Hey, Sister? Hey, Sister? Class! Class! I got to go to the can, man. Shut up!

Cheech:That basketball was like a basketball to me

Homer:Oh! Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona?

Homer · Cheech:When do we have wacky adventures? Ah, that's just the movies, man. Can we at least get some French fries? Too high in trans fats. Stop speaking Spanish.

Chong · Skinner:Skinner, his dessert menu is funnier than you. Yeah. Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins. They're blank, Seymour. Yes, but there are two 'K' sounds in cocktail.

Skinner · Chalmers:Yes, but there are two 'K' sounds in cocktail. Yes, there are.

Grampa · Homer:Who has disturbed my tomb? Grampa, you're not dead. Well, wake me when I am.

Cheech:It's disrespectful to the high standards people have come to expect from Cheech and Chunk.

Cheech · Homer:That's right. Now let's take it from the part where we sniff each other's butts. Yes, sir. Come on, sniff! That's a movie sniff. This is live theater. Now inhale, damn it.

Cheech:That's a movie sniff. This is live theater. Now inhale, damn it.

Marge:I can't believe the crazy house would throw out all these forks.

Marge:Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?

Marge:Styrofoam shaped like old computers!

Homer:If Art Garfunkel could forgive that untalented twerp, Paul Simon you can do this.

Chong:You mean you put nothing over nothing.

Chong:Don't make the mistake I always do. Of thinking too much before you act.

Chong:I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders. I guess I was just jealous of your belt.

Cheech:This belt has caused too many fights between us.

Bart:How now mad spirit, before we part, tis I Mischevious stand puckish, Bart. Was not I the players did disturb twas the doings of a green and naughty herb. The Gods have righted every wrong. Cheech the stoner, has his Chong.

Homer · Chong:Who is it? It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff. Who? Dave, man. Dave's not here. Hold on, let me get the door here.