Grampa

Bart · Grampa:-This place is depressing. -Hey, I live here! Well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

Grampa · Homer:That's no way to lay a fire! -This will roar any time now. -A caveman could start it.

Family · Grampa:-Amen. -Worst prayer yet.

Grampa · Homer:Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly. As if he had no will of his own. -Isn't that true, Homer? -Yes, Dad.

Grampa:Let's go! If I'm not back at the home by 9... they declare me dead and collect my insurance.

Lisa · Homer · Bart · Grampa · Grampa's Mother:Now we can blame him for everything! -It's your fault I'm bald! -Sorry. -It's your fault I'm old! -Sorry. -It's your fault I can't talk! -Sorry.

Grampa:It's Simpson, and these aren't my pills

Grampa:Look at us. We're staring like a couple of stupid punk teenagers

Grampa:Care to tip the wrist with me?

Grampa:Widower, one son, one working kidney

Grampa:You'd think this would get easier!

Grampa:Never fly solo again

Grampa:Oh, hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home?

Bea · Grampa:I'd better keep my good eye on you. Damn straight.

Grampa · Herman:The battleship New Jersey. You idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.

Herman · Grampa:$400. I'll give you $5. Not an offer you should make to a man with a gun.

Grampa:She's not invisible, you idiot!

Grampa:Damn these childproof doors!

Grampa:What a wingding. This is much better than my girlfriend's party.

Grampa · Jasper:I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are.

Grampa:They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Grampa · Homer:Is someone talking? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you!

Grampa:I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime!

Grampa · Limo Driver:Take me someplace fun! You're the boss. Next stop, Funsville.

Grampa · Ghost Bea:Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you, what was death like? Not as scary as this!

Grampa:All my precious sacks of gold couldn't buy me the joys of a family meal.

Professor Frink · Grampa:With funding, this baby could destroy an area the size of New York. I wanna help people, not kill them! Oh. The ray only has evil applications.

Lisa · Grampa:But you can buy me a pony. You're right! I'll name her Princess.

Grampa · Homer:Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. 'If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn...' You'll be a bonehead!

Grampa · Croupier:Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling. The wheel only goes to 36. Put it all on 36.

Grampa · Dealer:Put it all on 41. / I've got a feeling. / The wheel only goes to 36. / Put it all on 36. I've got a feeling.

Grampa:For the first time, I'm glad I had children.

Grampa:Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.

Grampa:Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow. Everyone's against me.

Grampa:You can smoke cigars?

Grampa · Bart:It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth. -How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush... and clean faster than you ever have before.

Grampa:Pretending to cry. That's right! You heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet.

Grampa:"I'm crying. I'm so sad."

Grampa:You'll never do any better. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat.

Grampa:All you got to do is whack her with the oar

Grampa:I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Grampa · Bart:That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents. I just want attention.

Grampa:Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.

Grampa:That's a lie, and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies.

Grampa:Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Grampa:Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy. More of a bait shop.

Grampa:Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.

Homer · Grampa:Dad, I have a problem. Why'd you come to me?

Grampa:I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone, withered away like an old piece of fruit.

Grampa:I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York.

Grampa:I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free.

Grampa:We'll show 'em all! [Laughing] [Snoring]

Grampa:Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- [Snores]

Grampa:It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

Grampa:Well, whenever I'm confused I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.

Bart · Grampa:Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know!

Grampa:That's right. I did the Iggy.

Grampa:You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check!

Roger Meyers Jr. · Grampa:His name is Abraham Simpson... and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- life experience. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo.

Grampa:They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do!

Grampa:I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.

Grampa:Cross my fingers for me. [Snap] That's gonna hurt come winter.

Grampa:That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy... and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

Grampa:I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George 'Goober' Lindsey.

Grampa:Grampa, Matlock's not real. Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob... if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste.

Grampa:Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Grampa:Look what happened without my pills!

Jasper · Grampa:Not so fast. I wanna court this fair, young maiden. There's somethin' you should know about me. I've got Steve and Eydie tickets. I'm all yours!

Grampa:I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash.

Grampa:There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and-- [Snoring]

Grampa:Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!

Grampa:Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh!

Jasper · Grampa:swiped his pills... 'Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions.'

Grampa:Wait, that's my hand.

Lisa · Grampa:Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop. If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff. Hollywood, California.

Grampa:You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins, dropping coins on people.

Grampa:I just used it that morning to wash my turkey... which in those days was known as a 'walking bird.'

Grampa:Cranberries, 'injun eyes,' and yams stuffed with gunpowder.

Grampa:Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called 'baseball.'

Grampa:When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box.

Grampa:And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. [proceeds to step on them]

Grampa:My skull is eggshell-thin.

Grampa:Holy smokes! That's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin' and lookin' young.

Grampa:Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water!

Grampa:Look at me! I'm acting young! [proceeds to injure himself]

Grampa:I'm gonna get me a job! A real Malibu and see if Stacy can help invent me young-- Help!

Grampa:We need some more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

Grampa:Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite outta you? Look at the sandwich! It's gonna bite you!

Grampa:And one more thing. I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine.

Grampa · Jacqueline · Marge:I love ya. / What? / Uh, I love ya, Mom. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya, Mom. Gotta go.

Grampa:Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

Homer · Grampa:David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa.

Crowd · Grampa:Their father's fat and their mother's thin And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin / Hey! That's Obsession for Men.

Grampa:Pneumonoultramicroscopic-silicovolcanoconiosis?

Grampa:What? Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father... talk about sex? I had sex.

Grampa:I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.

Grampa:Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe... when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.

Grampa:Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing... tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, 'her-prising,' revitalizing tonic!

Grampa:Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid.

Grampa:You're the worst shill ever! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.

Grampa:Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must've spooked them good.

Grampa:There she is. The old Radiation King.

Grampa:You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a system set up to keep people like you... from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.

Grampa:If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago... you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!

Homer · Grampa:Dad! Son! I'm a screwup. I burned down our house. No. I'm a screwup. I burned down our house.

Grampa:I'm not sorry I had you, son. And I was always proud... that you weren't a short man.

Grampa:What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars.

Grampa:Not as such, no.

Grampa:I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist.

Grampa:I'm the president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance, for some reason.

Grampa:Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive M-an... y'all.

Grampa:No, I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot.

Grampa:William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.

Grampa · Actor:Oh, no! My favorite aggie! - You stole my bit! That's my bit!

Child Services Worker · Grampa:Seems confused and dehydrated. Where's the baby? Well, that's her, ain't it?

Grampa:Kids love that water. Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

Grampa:Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Grampa · Homer:Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack. - That's the plan.

Grampa · Family:Grampa destroying the TV while trying to adjust it

Bart · Homer · Grampa:No, Grampa! Don't! Dad, sit down! Gosh darn it! What does this do?

Grampa:Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible.

Grampa:You're livin'in a fool's paradise, Van Houten.

Grampa:If you fell down in the shower, that thing'd be your tomb.

Grampa:I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.

Grampa:Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say 'dickety,' 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty.'

Grampa:I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles.

Grampa:What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie. That's your problem.

Grampa:discuss how I invented the 'terlet.'

Grampa:Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

Grampa:That means the fortune's almost mine.

Grampa · Burns:Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point!

Grampa:How long was that?

Grampa:Was that me, or was that you?

Grampa:Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door!

Grampa:And then a knife flew at my head! And you were there... and you were there.

Grampa:I got this in the Second World War II.

Grampa:the fightingest squad in the fightingest company... in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

Grampa:Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover.

Grampa:They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

Grampa:I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks' homes.

Grampa:Ox was the first to go. He got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle.

Grampa:Five more men died in the Veterans Day float disaster of'79.

Grampa:If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

Grampa:you're all welcome to visit me in Rich Man's Heaven.

Grampa:You could've made sergeant.

Grampa:You're out of my unit. You're out of the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed!

Marge · Homer · Grampa:Careful of the apple pie on the seat. - Uh-oh. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? - I sure hope so.

Grampa:For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth!

Grampa · Mulder · Scully:Ow! He bit me with my own teeth! - This is the worst assignment we've ever had. - Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?

Grampa:I had that dream again!

Grampa:Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here.

Grampa:Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934...

Grampa:Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934...

Grampa:Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey

Grampa:Hello, beautiful. [Snoring] / Hello, beautiful. [Snoring Resumes]

Grampa:I can't feel nothing below my chin.

Homer · Barney · Grampa:You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man.

Grampa:Oh, ain't no big deal. All Simpsons start to lose their smarts around your age.

Grampa:Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettir lazy... and now he's dumb as a chimp.

Grampa:Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp.

Grampa · JFK · Sailors:I was on P.T. 109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret. / Ich bin ein Berliner. / He's a Nazi! Get 'im!

Grampa:My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist- But he is not a porn star!

Grampa:Sure. It was the winter of '28. The Butter Baby Flapjack Company sponsored me and a fella named McAllister.

Grampa:Heroically, I gave him the last short stack.

Grampa:Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night.

Rod Flanders · Grampa:I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders. - There you go with that smart mouth!

Grampa · Lisa:Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir!

Grampa:And that's why today bananas are called 'yellow fatty beans.'

Bart · Grampa:Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today? - Nope, everybody's paid up.

Grampa:And that's how I earned the Iron Cross.

Grampa:That's my brass knee. Steel hip. That one's news to me.

Grampa:It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spankin'.

Grampa:Serves her right for bein' a '60s radical! Though she was a demon in the sack.

Grampa:Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest!

Grampa:Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na!

Grampa:Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on and then pull 'em down! 'Cause it's time for a spankin'!

Grampa:Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere.

Grampa:If I'd have left it up to your mother... you'd have ended up in a hellhole like this... just lyin' around, never workin'... without a care in your head... full of long, luxurious hippie hair!

Seth · Grampa:And a demon in the sack. [Both chuckling] Ah, you heard about that, eh?

Homer · Grampa:How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho!

Grampa · Homer:Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to- F. Murray Abraham!

Grampa · Homer:Can I go behind a tree? What are you? An animal?

Grampa · Homer:Please go back! You can make it my birthday present. We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. But I might explode!

Homer · Grampa · Dr. Hibbert:So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. [Laughing]

Grampa · Dr. Hibbert · Homer · Family:How long do I have to live, Doc? [Laughs] I'm amazed you're alive now. Oh, I blame myself for this. We all blame you.

Krusty · Grampa:Krusty here to cheer you up... as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program. / Last laugh?

Grampa:Shelbyville Hospital!

Grampa · Grampa · Grampa · Grampa:Grave nothin'! I never felt more alive! / [Laughs] / [Bones Cracking] / Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.

Grampa:Yes, tickling.

Grampa:And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break.

Grampa · Jasper:Oh, the little rat-faced one. No, no, no. Nick. He's so good to his mother.

Homer · Grampa · Jasper:According to this, you're both idiots. Hey, thanks. What do we owe you?

Grampa:I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.

Grampa · Homer:What do you do with the $68 I send your mother every month? - Weekday Dad wanted a DVD player.

Homer · Grampa:Dad? / That's right. / You don't smoke a pipe. / That's right.

Grampa:They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flimflammin'.

Grampa:In the Depression, you had to grift. Either that or work.

Grampa:Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift. Either that or work.

Grampa:Let's dust a few fossils.

Grampa:Now this scam was in The Sting, Part Two, so nobody knows about it.

Grampa:I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife.

Grampa:Yeah. I'm gonna get me the craziest, 'strippiest'-

Grampa:Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam!

Grampa:You want to give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office?

Grampa:Well, it hurts now. But the senility will take care of that.

Grampa:You know, I have a son about your age.

Grampa:Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of oleo!

Grampa:Liberace action figure. Party tonight at Roddy McDowall's.

Grampa · Crowd:We called them men. I agree with the hideous crone! Yeah! Hear, hear! She's ugly!

Grampa:World War I? I fought in that. Of course, to enlist, I had to lie about my age.

Bart · Grampa:Good night, sleepyhead. - Do you have to poop? - Always.

Grampa:'The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!'

Grampa:'Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer. Whoa!'

Grampa:Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer. Whoa!

Grampa:Sorry I bothered you.

Grampa:Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat.

Grampa:Well, gotta go! See you in heaven!

Grampa:You cowardly Swede!

Homer · Grampa:But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? I have a web site!

Grampa:This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.

Grampa:In my day, mechanical men had funnel heads and showed respect! Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories.

Grampa · Homer:I'm only rotting on the right side. / I'll right-side you!

Grampa:how can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.

Grampa:I can't go to miami. I'm expecting calls from telemarketers!

Grampa:All right, ladies, get ready to settle.

Grampa:you know those feet sticking out from under the house in the wizard of oz? You're looking at them.

Grampa:not the kind of congress that contained paul tsongas...

Raoul · Grampa:may I place my hand on your shoulder as a sign of friendship? / Why not?

Grampa:For many years, I was a tater farmer, but the shameful truth is, the taters farmed me.

Grampa · Bart:Keep my dog? Until when? Not too long ago, until they die.

Grampa · Bart:You know it's bad. It was also from that dog long as I can remember. What dog? - Who are you?

Grampa:Look at me, I am a young gorilla virvoltant. My hip is broken. With the help. Let's go to the hospital for a gorilla.

Bart · Grampa:What are you doing in the chimney? Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?! What do you have against Santa? He screwed me over back in WWII!

Grampa:Fine. I'll spend christmas eve with the raccoons.

Grampa:Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart. My old one's fine, but you never know.

Grampa · Homer:All right, nap time. But I'm not tired.

Grampa:Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with golf club, are ya?

Grampa:I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.

Grampa:I threw a javelin that barely missed Hitler. But I did hit an assassin who was trying to kill Hitler.

Grampa:The next time I saw Hitler, we had dinner and laughed about it.

Grampa:Oh, it's clouding up. I better put on me rain poncho.

Grampa:You'll never take me alive, Grim Reaper

Grampa:Take the boy. His soul is fresher.

Grampa:In a world of 31 flavors, we're the cup of water they rinse the scoops in.

Grampa:Grampa out.

Grampa:You promised me I could die here!

Grampa:Hands off, you big blue Buttinski!

Selma · Grampa:I know what you're wondering. How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night. / I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.

Grampa:You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.O.W. camp.

Grampa:All right, lips, man your kissing stations. This is not a drill.

Grampa:I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.

Grampa:At my age, and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity.

Grampa:Slow down, you hussy.

Grampa:We wrote that joke in the water. It wasn't all frolicking.

Grampa:'booby,' 'tushie,' 'burp,' 'fanny burp,' 'water closet,' 'underpants,' 'dingle-dangle,' 'Boston marriage,' 'LBJ,' 'Titica,' 'hot dog,' or 'front lumps'!

Grampa:First, it was gonna be the Hustle. Recently, I've been taking tap lessons. But now? Well, I don't feel much like dancing.

Grampa:Let's see, B-12...

Grampa:You were listening? That means I've got to come up with an ending for this nonsense.

Grampa:It was the war to end all wars, but Pepsi would not give up. They continued to challenge Coke.

Grampa · Homer:Whee. I'm gonna live like a human in a real house! What's the catch? I'm using you. For what? My own devices. All right.

Ned · Grampa:Because your father lives with me now. Flanders feeds me people food.

Grampa:My feet hurt! left ear's freezing! My right ear's burning! I got fish smell in my wrinkles!

Grampa:A splash-'em-up show? Reminds me of the time I high-dived into a damp sponge for the amusement of Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker.

Homer · Grampa:Grampa, no stories! You can come with us, or sit here on the shark bench. You know, I did sit on a shark once... Bathing suit!

Grampa:They'll cheer a dancing octopus, but not an old man complaining about everything.

Marshall · Grampa:Excuse me, sir. Is this seat taken? Well, not for a pretty girl like you! (chuckles nervously)

Marshall · Grampa:Well, this is the first time I ever sat on a shark. Not me-- sat on a real one once!

Grampa:It was back in World War II. I was a Seaman First Class on the USS World War I.

Grampa:We were minding our own business when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.

Grampa:Don't worry about the sharks, boys. Just play possum and they'll leave you alone. Unfortunately, sharks love possum.

Grampa · Sailor:Hey, boys, these sharks can't bite us if we're on their backs! It's like riding the Cyclone back at Coney Island!

Grampa:I still keep in touch with all those men and some of the sharks. Why, here's us in Hawaii last year. Good times.

Grampa:You're in the newspaper business? (chuckles) Something that's gonna die before I do!

Grampa:Someone's listening to me! Now I know how a radio feels!

Ned · Grampa:Abe, I never knew you were so full of... (speaking Yiddish)! What does that mean? It's like (speaking Yiddish), but with a pinch more (speaking Yiddish)!

Grampa:Yep, I may just be the best known Abraham in history.

Grampa:Every Monday, the Tinseltown Starliner would stop at 1:17 p.m. on its way to Hollywood. I never rode that train, but I'd palaver with the movie stars when they got out to stretch their legs.

Clark Gable · Grampa:Looks like someone has seen my work as an extra in Du Barry, Woman Of Passion. I sure have, Mr. Gable.

Clark Gable · Grampa:How come you ain't a star yet? Maybe my ears are too big. I don't know.

Grampa:But his big blue eyes could melt the butter you kept in your pocket for lunch. Lunch butter we called it.

Grampa:That's how I got my idea for a suitcase with wheels, from watching a commercial about a suitcase with wheels.

Mitch Albom · Grampa:I'm Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie. Never heard of you. Yeah. Sure you haven't.

Grampa:Clouds are God's sneezes.

Grampa:Well, well, well, look who decided to visit me twice in one year.

Grampa · Marshall:This man's more of a son to me than you've ever been. What the...?! Well, he's more of a father to me than you've ever been!

Grampa:ABE: And if this is Homer, you're too late for my love.

Grampa:I'm finally riding the Tinseltown Starliner. I could die a happy man.

Marshall · Grampa:Live each moment as if someone's about to kill you. I mean, as if it's your last. Sorry, my hearing aid's on the fritz. The only word I heard was 'kill.'

Grampa:The older I get, the more I like the taste of hot water.

Grampa:Maybe so, but I know how to play possum.

Grampa:Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner.

Grampa:Adam and Eve Simpson, or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Grampa:I'll take that secret to my grave-- or urn, or medical school dissecting table, or wherever you're dumping me.

Grampa:D-Day is June 6th. Repeat: June 6th. Allied forces will land on the beaches of Normandy in the following order-- Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno. Are you writing this down, Fritz?

Grampa:Mabel she divorced Hiram and got one of his shoes in the settlement.

Grampa:They got married, and since Virgil had no last name, they both took the name Simpson so that Mabel could keep all her monogrammed table linens.

Grampa · Lisa:Well, it's hard to explain this to a young person, but people of my generation are, you know... Racists? That's it.

Grampa · Bart:There's one sure way to find out If a girl likes you-- steal a kiss. Really? Did that ever work for you? Sure did. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Grampa:Kiss her, ya idjit!

Lisa · Grampa · Homer:Or let her die in captivity, like Grampa? Hey, in my mind I'm free. No you're not, ya idjit!

Grampa:This building cut me off!

Grampa:I've had a lot of time to think since my hands got too shaky to play cards.

Grampa:Well, I lost the rest investing in a Broadway musical based on the real-life story of Eddie Gaedel, the midget who had one big league at-bat.

Grampa:♪ What do I do with this damn little man? His strike zone's the size of a tuna fish can! ♪

Grampa:You can't throw me out! I'm not dead yet! That's the deal, man!

Grampa:Good morning, family. It's such a beautiful day, I thought I'd take my little friend here for a walk.

Grampa · Homer:Who has disturbed my tomb? Grampa, you're not dead. Well, wake me when I am.

Grampa:In '57, I saw him turn the Secretary of Agriculture into the Secretary of the Interior! It was hell on their wives, but it sure brought down corn prices.

Grampa:Built a house outta corn. Worst house I ever owned! When it got real hot, it smelled like Fritos.

Grampa:I hated the 'Roosie-velts' and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daley and his smart-ass son, the Daily Show.

Grampa:Well, I like Stephen Colbert, but that's because I don't get the joke.

Bart's son · Grampa:Hey, Grampa, you gonna build a snowman? No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.

Grampa:Eh, I don't see what's great about 'em.

Grampa:You quit drinking like a coward! The one thing you were good at...

Grampa:Yeah, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but she picked out a drunken walrus.

Grampa:I don't like to babble on, but I sure do like Babylon.

Grampa:Let me check my schedule. This might work. I think I'm free. Tuesday's open. You got it, kiddo!

Disco Stu · Professor Frink · Grampa:Disco Stu-tiful. Square root-iful. Old coot-iful

Grampa:He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him.

Grampa:This is why 'life' comes before 'love' in the dictionary.

Grampa:Anyway, Homer and that dog went together like Christmas and suicidal thoughts.

Grampa:Course now, he's just stupid and fat.

Lisa · Grampa:Wait. How could you know what Herman said? You were driving away. He wrote a memoir.

Young Homer · Grampa:A hole next to the seat to hold my cup? That's a stupid idea. Holding cups are what thighs are for.

Grampa:He'd go to jail and stay there 'cause he loves the easy life

Grampa:Now, son, a lot of people are cuckoo till you need something from them.

Grampa:Gosh, Miss Viola, I want you and your husband to know how much I appreciate this.

Grampa · Young Homer:I wasn't sure if a six-year-old could even understand the concept. What? No. No! No! Bongo! Turns out, he caught on pretty quick.

Burns · Grampa:Dropping a horse on a church? No! Breaking a man's spirit. Mine. Well, I guess I could always drop a horse on a church afterward.

Grampa:But those satanic Snoopys always found their way in.

Grampa:Unlike those gerbils of yours we gave away. Oh, they were fickle as hell.

Grampa · Homer:Hold your arms like you're carrying a wedding cake. What flavor? It doesn't matter. If it doesn't matter, then I call Snickers.

Grampa:I don't ride sidesaddle! I'm straight as a submarine!

Grampa · Homer:Well, on V.E. Day, I kissed a man by mistake. Thank you.

Grampa:the manly mixture of strong and fat we called beefy

Grampa:You are the luckiest people in the world. You get to look at me.

Grampa:I was boastful before all your football showboaters, rap music-ers and TV beach Italians.

Grampa:Should I really let the men who ruined my past and present hang out with the kid who's going to ruin my future?

Grampa:You are the luckiest people in the world! You get to look at me!

Grampa:If professional wrestling were fake, that would make every fan in the history of the sport a complete and utter moron.

Bart · Grampa:I gave him a caramel. He should have been chewing for hours. I couldn't unwrap it!

Grampa:I don't want to die! I want to still be a burden!

Grampa:If the Wilsons' calf is birthed, Doc Miller should be available.

Grampa:My tailbone! And it was my last good bone.

Grampa:My crotch is crotchety, sitting down makes me uppity, and you call these cups pleated?!

Grampa · Bart:I've been faking being hurt, just like I fake liking those terrible homemade Christmas gifts you give. Did she? No. Even she thought it was crap.

Bart · Grampa:Well, you are the first thing I took care of that didn't die. Oh, I hear that a lot.

Bart · Grampa:Here's your new plate, Grampa. Oh, boy! There's crumbs on it!

Grampa · Bart · Lisa:Did this really happen? Pill attack! Actual sword attack!

Grampa:Down by the old, Not the new, but the old... Mill stream, Not the river, but the stream...

Grampa:I'll give you the business, you yellow sea cow!

Cheerleaders · Grampa:You're the greatest generation, worthy of our veneration. Go Grampa! / If this is heaven, why don't my shoes match?

Grampa · Dr. Hibbert:Look who's here, the big dummy! You do know I'm a doctor now. Yeah! M.D.! Major Dummy!

Grampa:This place is unlivable. My contract clearly promised 'barely livable.'

Grampa:Don't get fat.

Grampa:Without ripple, I never would have had you. Ripple's your real daddy.

Grampa · Bart:Your job is to guide me. Well, I really think you should watch your temper. I mean down the stairs, you stupid kid!

Mildred · Grampa:Who's the icebox pie, Abe? Your younger brother? My son-- but he's taken.

Grampa:You can't see the ring because his finger's too fat.

Grampa:Well, join the club. Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part-coward.

Grampa:After Korea, I was drowning in boobies.