At a lakeside retreat for married couples, Marge is determined to fix her marriage with Homer, but Homer is more determined to catch General Sherman, the freakishly large catfish that lives in the lake.
Marge's marital desperation sustains 59 jokes at 3.47-per-minute density throughout.
Directed by Mark Kirkland · Written by John Swartzwelder
WAR
55.2
Wins Above Replacement
“The War Of The Simpsons” ranks #112 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.5 — Elite. The episode packs 59 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Ned · Homer: Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible... because she can't find hers. -Lucky you don't keep guns.
Ned Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said 'if.'
Dr. Hibbert Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Homer · Reverend · Homer: -She's perfect. -What are her faults? -It can be annoying.
Bart: I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Homer · Unknown guest: I've been wanting to tell you off for years... I don't know you. Our wives are friends. You just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit!
All Jokes — 59 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: Mmm! "Hors doovers."
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer · Marge: -Homer! You promised. -That I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie.
Homer · Marge: What about that bash with champagne and musicians and holy men? -That was our wedding! -Oh.
Homer Marge Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Bart · Homer: -I want to hear your witty banter. -You can't have fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.
Bart Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Oh, baby. Mmm! Yeah.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Guest: You look swell. And the house! You've done.... Whatever!
Guest Setup/Punchline Cringe/Discomfort Ned: Anybody mind if I serve as bartender? I have a Ph.D. in mixology.
Ned Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Homer · Ned: Next time put a little alcohol in it. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon... Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I'm slurring my words.
Homer Ned Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Marge · Homer: Remember when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No.
Unknown male guest · Selma/Patty: But I don't remember you being so beautiful.
Male guest: A new kind of Mace? Really painful.
Dr. Hibbert · Homer: Homer... these ice cubes are made from highly toxic chemicals. A real fly is more sanitary. The look on your face. It's priceless!
Homer · Bart: -Do that cute thing you do. -What? -That thing you know how to do. -What? Go to bed.
Homer · Guest: Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! Oh, Homer! You're the king.
Homer · Unknown guest: I've been wanting to tell you off for years... I don't know you. Our wives are friends. You just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit!
Guest · Homer: -Gee, don't quit. -All right.
Homer · Maude · Marge · Dr. Hibbert: Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. I apologize for my husband. If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said 'if.'
Dr. Hibbert Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Homer: Why? What did you do?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Homer: I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer: I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. -Well said. -Thank you.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Callback Homer: -Well said. -Thank you. -A fly! -I put it there. -You did? -I slipped it in. -Pure hilarity! -Pure Homer! The most whimsical jape of the season.
Homer Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Marge: But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it.
Marge Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Homer: Oh. You mean inside, don't you?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Bart: I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Reverend Lovejoy: "Satan's Boners"... "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners," and... for teens, "It's Not Cool To Fry In Hell."
Reverend Lovejoy: The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer's shoes. Why don't we wait until he sits?
Homer: Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?!
Homer Reaction Beat Character Comedy Homer: They couldn't call it that if it didn't have a catfish in it.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Babysitter: Come back for more, eh?
Bart · Marge: Why do you need a sitter? I'm 10 1/2! -I'll give you a taste of me hand.
Grampa: Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow. Everyone's against me.
Grampa Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Grampa: You can smoke cigars?
Grampa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Gas station attendant · Homer: The biggest catfish around. Weighs over 500 pounds. -Who says that? -They do.
Gas attendant: He's freakishly big, though.
Homer: Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman.
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Bart: In these crazy times... who knows what's right or wrong? My gut's telling me: Bleed Gramps dry.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gloria: My name's Gloria. I'm here because Johnny... hasn't been able to cut it, manwise, for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of sour defeat pressed against me.
Gloria Cringe/Discomfort Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Johnny · Gloria: She keeps a filthy house and talks profanely. She's the Queen of the Harpies! -Here's your crown, Your Majesty!
Ned · Homer: Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible... because she can't find hers. -Lucky you don't keep guns.
Ned Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer · Reverend · Homer: -She's perfect. -What are her faults? -It can be annoying.
Marge · Homer: He blows his nose on towels and puts them back. Only a couple of times.
Marge: He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are long and yellow. That's all I can think of.
Marge Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Homer: Out at 5. Catch Sherman at 5:30. Clean him at 6. Eat him by 6:30. Back in bed by 7 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime.
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Homer: Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish. I got a skillet and some butter with your name on it.
Homer Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Bart: For the last time, yes!
Bart Character Comedy Escalation Bart: Big blowout at casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail. Bart's joint. Two-ish. Be there or be square.
Bart Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Nelson: Tell my friends? All right. But I've got some funky friends.
Nelson Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Reverend Lovejoy: As a trained marriage counselor... this is the first time I've told a partner they were right. It's all his fault.
Nelson · Bart: -Any chicks over 8? -Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
Bart · Nelson: Thanks for coming. Nice tie, Nelson. It's your dad's.
Nelson Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Grampa · Bart: It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth. -How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush... and clean faster than you ever have before.
Grampa Bart Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Marge · Homer: -To who? -Those weirdos in the store!
Homer: I fought it for six hours. One word and I toss it back. You're telling me our marriage is in trouble?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Grampa: Pretending to cry. That's right! You heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet.
Grampa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Grampa: "I'm crying. I'm so sad."
Grampa Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Gas station attendant: His name was Homer. Seven feet tall. Arms like tree trunks. Eyes like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red. Like the fires of hell.
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