Lisas Substitute

Hear about Miss Hoover? She drank some drain cleaner. / I heard she fell down a well.

She's been dumped again.

I won't be staying long. I just learned I have Lyme disease.

When a tick begins to suck your blood... spirochetes infest your blood and spinal fluid and then the brain.

Bart Simpson, I know it's you!

And here comes Snowball II. We kept this one. The mother ate the gray one.

Look, this is cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.

No, you're not seeing things. This, my little friends, is a schwa.

Are you the substitute? / I am. / Are you insane? / It's how I get their attention.

Howdy. I'm a Texas cowboy from 1830. / Can we play kickball? / Kickball? There ain't no kickball in 1830.

Kickball? There ain't no kickball in 1830. Any other questions? / Shoot! It's awfully quiet.

There are three things wrong with my costume. Name them and you get my hat.

Your belt says 'State of Texas,' but it wasn't a state until 1845. / The revolver wasn't around till 1835.

You seem to be Jewish. / Jewish. / Cowboys aren't Jewish.

For the record, there were some Jewish cowboys. Big guys who spent money freely.

You can make fun of my name. Two suggestions are Mr. Nerd-strom and Mr. Booger-strom.

Asimov, Bester, Clarke-- / What about Bradbury? / I'm aware of his work.

Actually, the range was far from home. It was a desolate place of danger and disease.

Unlike the efficient Indians, cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope.

What's this? Did you do it? / No! I would never do anything like that. / Can I have it? / Yes, but I didn't do it.

Class, 'The Singing Dork.' / Lisa!

I had a speech, but my dog ate it.

Would you do it? / But where's the principal's office?

What did I say about encouraging him? When Bart wins approval for being a fool--

Come on, everybody has a talent. / I wanna see yours. / I don't have one.

Chuck? / Disgusting. I love it!

While I'm technically married, it hasn't been much of a marriage since Mr. Krabappel moved out.

Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. / Well? / I'm sorry. You're very nice, but it's the children I love.

When he smiles, you see these teeth. But when he laughs, you see these. The eyeteeth.

Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web and cried at the end. / A book made him cry!

Your homework is always so neat. Does your father help you? / Homework's not his specialty.

Unless the next word was 'burp,' don't bother.

That's not enough! We demand more asbestos! More asbestos!

Just a popularity contest? What's more important than popularity?

I knew you had personality! They said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better!

He says, there are no easy answers! I say, he's not looking hard enough!

You never lose appealing to the lowest common denominator.

I believe everything you say, with your words and Semitic good looks.

Kevin's biting me. Here's a drawing of a spirochete. Love, Ralph.

So it's up to me, is it? / Yes. / And you think that people are gonna pay you $4.50 when they don't have to?

Anything you say! Good luck, lady! You'll need it!

His teeth were jagged, but he could swallow you whole.

First, they pulled the brain out and stuffed the skull with onions.

She sees everybody else's dad with a good education and says, 'What did I do to deserve this?'

She sees everybody else's dad... with a good education and says, 'What did I do to deserve this?'

You are smooth. I'll give you that.

Can I wear jewelry? / Sure. / Dye my shoes? Paint my nails? Can we have wine? Can I have wine? Does Bart have to be there?

Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork chops? Oh, no, of course not.

My Lyme disease turned out to be psychosomatic. / Does that mean you're crazy? / It means she was faking. / It was a little of both.

What did he teach you? / That life is worth living.

Victory party under the slide!

The train. How like him. Traditional, yet environmentally sound.

And it's been the backbone of our country since Stanford drove in that golden spike.

I see he touched you too.

Thanks for your vote. / Voting's for geeks! / You got that right.

I demand a re-count. / Two for Martin. Want another re-count?

It's the life of the substitute teacher. He's a fraud. Today he wears gym shorts, tomorrow he speaks French or runs a band saw or God knows what.

When you're middle-class, anybody who cares will leave to help someone needier.

If you don't mind, I'll run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.

If you don't mind, I'll run alongside the train... as it speeds you from my life.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

But you, sir, are a baboon! / Me? / Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!

The stupidest and ugliest ape of all!

Everyone special to me is under this roof.

Maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse. At least I'm good at monkey work.

You know, monkey? You know what I mean? I can hold these nails in place with my tail.

If just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted. / Would you have gotten any money for being class president? / No. / Would you have more work? / Yeah.

Hey, thanks, monkey-man.

Holy moly, talk about parenting.

Let's just go to bed. I'm on the biggest roll of my life.