Homer spearheads the effort to get pro-football to bring a new franchise to Springfield. The football commissioner, on his way to officially award the franchise, stops at the Simpson house where Grandpa (mistaking him for a burglar) attacks him. Springfield loses out and Abe becomes the town’s pariah. After trying and failing assisted suicide, Abe decides to live his life without fear and when the town decides to reuse their football stadium as a bullfighting ring, he volunteers to be the toreador. Ever the activist, granddaughter Lisa protests his new profession.
WAR
42.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Million Dollar Abie” ranks #296 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 77.9 — Great. The episode packs 59 scored jokes at 3.7 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.5 on impact, with Abe landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Abe: Euthanasia? No way! I want to die with dignity. Like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later, swollen up so bad, they don't know if I'm man or sofa.
Abe Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Homer: I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
Homer Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Female Commissioner: I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!
Grampa: I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.
Grampa Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Abe: I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.
Abe Character Comedy Dark/Subversive All Jokes — 59 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: I thought it was about her boobs.
Homer Observational Setup/Punchline Homer: Well, it's a cinch Springfield won't be that lucky city.
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline Barney: Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.
Barney Observational Dark/Subversive Homer: I've had enough of your stinkin' thinkin'. I, Homer Simpson, will personally bring the new pro football franchise to Springfield.
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Marge Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Marge: what the Hellmann's real mayonnaise?!
Marge Wordplay/Pun Absurdist Homer: It's the duff beer krustyburger buzz cola costington's department store kwik-e-mart stupid flanders park.
Marge: Maybe Homer brush teeth first?
Marge Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Rob Reiner: 'I'll have what she's having' was one of the lines.
Homer: Springfield has Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Homer: Springfield takes in garbage from other cities.
Homer Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm Rob Reiner: Some of hollywood's biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video.
Celebrity Impersonators: Springfield don't make nothin' because Springfield blows
Female Commissioner: I'm sick of L.A.! They got earthquakes, wildfires, bennifers, brangelinas, and that potty mouth, Sarah Silverman!
Female Commissioner: I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!
Female Commissioner: Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go tell my gay grandson I still love him.
Fans: I've got melt mania! I got downs syndrome!
Fans Wordplay/Pun Cringe/Discomfort Kent Brockman · Mel: Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend? / Isn't your mother a well-known whore? / You win this round, Mel.
Mayor Quimby · Citizens: Did I ever tell you people about the time I met Lloyd Bridges? / Yeah, you passed him in the airport. / Yes, but which airport? / Hartsfield in Atlanta.
TV Show: Criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program.
TV Show Meta/Self-Referential Dark/Subversive Abe: If i knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
Chief Wiggum: I'm sorry, did I just say 'Wiggum'? I... I meant 'wigwam.'
Lisa: Maybe he's thinking of a new shape for the football.
Lisa Absurdist Character Comedy Grampa: Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with golf club, are ya?
Grampa Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Abe: I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy.
Abe Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Homer · Abe: You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family. / I watch the baby. / Where is the baby? / You left me with a baby?!
Abe: Nobody loves you when you're old and gray / nobody needs you when you're upside down / everybody's hollering about their own birthday / everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
Abe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Abe: Euthanasia? No way! I want to die with dignity. Like slipping in the shower and then they find me two weeks later, swollen up so bad, they don't know if I'm man or sofa.
Abe Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Abe: Aw, I think you're cute, too.
Abe Misdirection Character Comedy Doctor: Yeah, and we're cleaning out the death machine today. A lot of gunk gets stuck in it.
Doctor Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Jasper · Abe: If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver? / Blanket? Sure. / Liver? Never!
Homer: Well, first of all, they're all perfect. Also, when's the Cap'n crunch movie coming out? And will it be 'r' or 'hard r'?
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Abe: President visits Europe?! On my dime?!
Abe Character Comedy Observational Abe · Doctor: Who's Fred Kanickee? / My appointment before you. / Nice guy. / Just a little... / Little screwed up.
Abe Doctor Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Grampa: I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.
Grampa Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Abe: I want to hear the Glenn Miller orchestra, and I want to see cops beating up hippies.
Abe Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Doctor · Lou: I'll kill you all! / When the law's reversed. / Ha, I'd like to see you try! / When the law's reversed.
Lou · Doctor: I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee. / Hoo, boy.
Lou Doctor Callback Deadpan/Understatement Callback Abe: I'm dead! I never felt so alive! And I got my 16-year-old body back!
Abe Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Abe: That's odd. You'd think they'd come back as the cows.
Abe Observational Absurdist Abe · Charlie Chaplin impersonator: Charlie Chaplin? They sure put you to work. / You said it. / And you can talk! / Good for you.
Abe: So who went berserk, fatso or the little guy?
Abe Character Comedy Observational Ned Flanders: God wants us to die of old age after years of pain and reduced mobility.
Abe: You're all going to die in a pointless war.
Abe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lisa · Mayor Quimby: No, wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel pseudo-sport. / Lisa's right. / It is a cool, super sport.
Homer: If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild. If grampa dies, the crowd goes wild. Either way, we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Fan · Homer: Can we bring outside food? / Not even gum.
Abe: Ole! A penny. This is my lucky day.
Abe Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer: We'll bring you the bull's heart, sweetie.
Homer Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Announcer: Like the fear I feel that I have left the iron on at home. Have I? Have I?!
Abe: I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walking around fighting oysters.
Abe Absurdist Character Comedy Announcer: A girl named Linda. / No, Lisa.
Audience member: Hurry up and kill it! I have to be at the opera by 7:00!
Homer: I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
Homer: I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
Homer Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Man being chased by bull: Please, no. I have a wife and three girlfriends.
Luigi: If you let me go, I give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same. Offer not good tuesday through sunday. We're closed on monday.
Aide · Abe: You're just here to test the microphone. / Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom Dimaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Josef Stalin...
Top Episodes — The Simpsons
