Homers Paternity Coot

Commercial announcer:How often have you driven by a fire and thought, 'how can this benefit me?'

Commercial announcer:Where there's smoke, there's bargains!

Commercial announcer:Action figure puddle, something we think was an air conditioner

Smokin' Joe Frazier:I'm only here because my name had 'smoke' in it.

Smokin' Joe Frazier:I could send people to your house, bad people.

Homer:Come on, we're going to that store, before the next commercial makes me do something else.

Commercial announcer:Stop, drop and save!

Homer:I've never noticed that sign before. And I'm a very good noticer.

Homer:What's next, a spatula tax?

Homer:Voila! Which is french for 'ta-da!'

Homer:Of course you're not-- We're in the same car. I just wanted us to start talking again.

Mayor Quimby:Damn it, we need those 75 cents-es to de-python the town fountain.

Lou · Chief Wiggum:No survivors. No shooting. But it's already cocked. All right, shoot it in the fireplace.

Homer:What the hello kitty?

Homer:I'm trapped like the l in a blt.

Ned Flanders:Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.

Homer:Today, 75 cents, in five years, 80!

Marge:Assuming voter approval.

Agnes Skinner:You don't have four anything.

Johnny Cash:I fell into a burning ring of fire

Kent Brockman:A discovery so gruesome, we'll give you a moment to get the children out of the room. That's long enough.

Kent Brockman:Here's the one scientist who's always home when we call, professor John Frink.

Professor Frink:Swinging for all, except for me. I was making napalm to drop on da nang!

Mr. Largo:I got in to Juilliard?! I could have been second chair with the Cincinnati Pops!

Mr. Largo:I'm C-3 D-2. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Comic Book Guy:This says I ain't allergic to pollen. So I could have gone to the park and played with other kids!

Comic Book Guy:Ticktock, ticktock, Ticktock banana a-b-c-d-e-f-g wash those june bugs off of me.

Homer:Ran away from all this? What a fool.

Abraham Simpson:This may be my last chance to invade her privacy.

Abraham Simpson:I don't know how she found the time with her late night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend.

Lisa:Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?

Homer:That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.

Homer:Yeah, but that also works for the dog's butt.

Abraham Simpson:I sit by the trash so people have to come up to me.

Homer:The only tummy ache is in my head.

Homer:So, I infer from all the knickknacks, you're some sort of fruitcake.

Homer · Mason:Ooh, a dish of shrunken heads! Those are raisins.

Mason · Homer:Well, my hat size is a number six. That is small, right? It's smaller than average.

Homer · Mason:980 on the am dial, but number one with our viewers. Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a tv station?

Homer:I think you're my pappy!

Mason:Here's your gum back.

Jimbo:Good evening, dumb-asses. Tonight our guest is oscar nominee william H. Macy.

Dolph:Besides bleeding.

Homer:He has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this.

Marge:It's too soon to get so emotionally invested.

Mason:The most valuable treasure is right here. On this map.

Homer:You know, if I was born three months later, emerald would be my birthstone.

Spanish sailor:One of you was not praying. It was me. I was thinking of a joke I heard.

Homer:Wow, that story had everything: Action, treasure, water, a guy.

Mason:I've dined with the prince of wales, and with killer whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming.

Mason:Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone, had you give them what they needed.

Abraham Simpson:I'll take any test you want. Eye test, pap test, memory test, memory test, vinnie testaverde, Ferrari Testarossa...

Dr. Hibbert:Then, bingo who's your daddy! Will become abundantly clear.

Homer:See, Abe, we're still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.

Bart · Abraham Simpson:So, what setting is that fan on? Medium. I would've guessed low. You would've guessed wrong.

Bart:Missed a spot. There we go.

Homer:That's what you get for being luminous, jerks.

Homer:What do I do? What do I do?

Mason:I love that little guy. What the heck...?

Bart:They had to feed you through a tub.

Homer:To hell with that stupid DNA test and its 99.99997% accuracy

Abraham Simpson:I switched the names on the DNA samples. Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart. My old one's fine, but you never know.

Grampa:Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart. My old one's fine, but you never know.

Abraham Simpson:No, Homer, mustn't touch. I said no, Homer.

Grampa · Homer:All right, nap time. But I'm not tired.