The Simpsons re-enact the Nativity; a World War II tale stars Grampa, Mr. Burns and Santa; a musical features "The Nutcracker Suite."
WAR
53.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Simpsons Christmas Stories” ranks #182 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 80.6 — Elite. The episode packs 65 scored jokes at 4.4 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Joseph landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Joseph: My wine turned into water! Who could have performed such a cruel miracle?
Joseph Irony/Sarcasm Observational ★ Rewatch Moe: Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition: Attempting to kill myself.
Moe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Mary · Joseph: Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's 33, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified. Sorry, kid.
Mary Joseph Dark/Subversive Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Patty/Selma: I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
Wise Man · Herod: Now you wouldn't hurt the little boychik. Of course not. Kings don't hurt babies. Giant pointy swords hurt babies.
All Jokes — 65 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Marge: Maybe he's cheating on us with the episcopalians. Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky eucharist.
Marge Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font.
Reverend Lovejoy: Christ is born; who's on my horn?
Ned: So many little plastic christmases ruined.
Ned Absurdist Observational ★ Rewatch Ned: I feel like I'm born again again!
Ned Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Marge · Ned: You've practiced this so many times in the shower. Paper cut!
Homer: Did anyone order a hero?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Homer: You know how your paper boy always sends you a christmas card with his home address on it? What's up with that? I wanted you to tip me! No tip till they bring back hagar the horrible. That's not my decision. It's never anybody's decision.
Homer Observational Escalation ★ Rewatch Mary · Joseph: Joseph, you know I have never lain with a man. Tell me about it.
Joseph: A pregnant virgin?! That's every man's worst nightmare.
Joseph Observational Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Joseph: That's not all she's full of.
Mary · Joseph: So, not a doctor... well, he will be able to heal the sick. But nothing to hang on the wall.
Wise Man: and myrrh, which I am re-gifting, 'cause who needs myrrh? Here's the tag.
Wise Man Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Wise Man: This is awkward. The king of the jews we seek is, a newborn child.
Wise Man · Herod: Now you wouldn't hurt the little boychik. Of course not. Kings don't hurt babies. Giant pointy swords hurt babies.
Wise Man: Good king Herod! Except you don't really have the 'good,' so... what do you have, really, then?
Wise Man Observational Escalation ★ Rewatch Mary · Innkeeper: I think my water just broke! You can have the barn. Now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast. There won't be any.
Doctor: I've got some very good news. Caesar just invented the cesarean.
Wise Man: I've got the messiah's nose.
Wise Man Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Mary · Joseph: He looks just like his dad. Not you! I'm not the father, I'm not a wise man, I'm nothing.
Joseph: My wine turned into water! Who could have performed such a cruel miracle?
Joseph Irony/Sarcasm Observational ★ Rewatch Mary · Joseph: Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's 33, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified. Sorry, kid.
Mary Joseph Dark/Subversive Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Mary: Anytime anyone suffers in the world, he starts crying again.
Mary Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Joseph: Me? But I'm watching the orange bowl.
Wise Man: You like physical comedy? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... A... wise man? Pick two!
Joseph: I think this nontraditional household just might make it.
Joseph Observational Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Joseph Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Innkeeper: The other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling all hours, day and night.
Matthew: What a boffo beginning for my book!
Matthew Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Soldiers: They put his halo on a duck. The oldest trick in the book. What the hell are you doing? Well, he does have a halo. Hail, quackie!
Joseph · Mary: What a beautiful hanukkah bush! I say we call it a 'christmas tree.' A christmas tree... what a great name. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Homer · Bart: And did you know... That little baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus? I know. It's weird, isn't it?
Energizer Bunny · Other Character: I don't know why I'm so run down. I must be low on christmas spirit. It's 'cause you're using regular batteries. You forgot about energizer ultra! Now let me crawl inside you. Cold... so cold.
Bart · Grampa: What are you doing in the chimney? Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?! What do you have against Santa? He screwed me over back in WWII!
Cyrus: Okay, Abe, let's win this war quick, so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights.
Cyrus Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Abe: Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but... oh, my god! The sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!
Abe Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Cyrus: Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.
Cyrus Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Radio Operator · Bernadette: I'm talking to my best gal. I miss you, too, Bernadette. You hang up first. No... you hang up first. No. You hang up first.
Abe: You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!
Abe Observational Character Comedy Cyrus: I wish I tried reefer!
Mr. Burns: On this island, military rank means nothing. We're in a state of nature where the strong of will control the weak.
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Burns: How dare you drown the king of New Burns Island!
Burns Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Abe (narrator): Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned back to days.
Burns: Hey, sailor, my eyes are up here.
Abe · Burns: Is this pomade? It's nothing really, just seagull brains and snail goo.
Abe Burns Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Abe: What in the name of the Tennessee valley authority?
Abe Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Burns · Santa: He's german. That's good eatin'. You useless waste of socks!
Burns: Damn it! Sorry, chuckles, change of plan. This sleigh is my ticket off this hellhole. Because, at heart, I'm just a very wicked child.
Burns Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Abe: You backstabber! And I let you spoon me.
Abe: Somebody should have beat you with a tricycle years ago!
Abe Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Abe: If I hadn't invented a jet ski made of coconuts, I'd have never gotten home.
Abe Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Cyrus: Sorry I never called, Abe. I was too busy with my 15 native wives.
Cyrus Character Comedy Escalation Abe · Cyrus: 15! Whoa, that sounds like a lot of sex! I said wives, not girlfriends.
Audience Members: oh my god, it's over. We're free! It's not over. It's just intermission. I said we're free! we're still doing act two. I'll be the audience. Boo! This is terrible!
Lisa: This time of year, everybody does it, 'cause you don't have to pay for the music rights.
Lisa Meta/Self-Referential Observational ★ Rewatch Moe: Why is this Santa suit so snug? Why should I care? It's all humbug I've jacked my prices up so high but there's no junk these saps won't buy
Moe Character Comedy Observational Krusty: These holiday cookies swell my fat cat even though we're not gentile
Krusty Observational Character Comedy Grampa: Fine. I'll spend christmas eve with the raccoons.
Grampa Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Kent Brockman: You got me a gift? Rancid lard?! You shouldn't have.
Krusty: 'Give the audience snowballs,' they said. 'It'll be cute,' they said.
Krusty Physical/Slapstick Escalation Moe: Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition: Attempting to kill myself.
Moe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Moe · Barney: Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? But I already got you a wool hat. Maybe next year?
Moe Barney Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Apu: I just have jerky made of trout.
Apu Observational Character Comedy Patty/Selma: I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
Hans Moleman: 18 wheels, and they all missed me.
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