Krusty

Krusty:Turn them in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's

Krusty:Turn them in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's

Krusty:Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?

Krusty:but maybe that's because we haven't used enough... gunpowder!

Krusty:Comedy, thy name is Krusty.

Krusty:Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Krusty:I'm dying. I'm dying.

Krusty:Give a hoot. Read a book.

Krusty:I plead guilty, Your Honor. Oh. I mean, not guilty. Opening nightjitters, Your Honor.

Krusty:Aaah!

Krusty:No, I can't! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate. Now are you happy?

Krusty · Judge:Is it a crime to bet on sporting events? Yes, it is! Oh.

Krusty:I knew it! This happens to me evey time.

Krusty:It better not, you dimwit!

Krusty:Hey! Settle down, boys and girls. Or Krusty will bring out his friend Corporal Punishment again.

Krusty:The food, the grog.... They threw a brunch with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon.

Krusty:I told them you would. Don't make me a liar!

Krusty:That question is out of bounds. Interview's over!

Krusty:If you haven't asked your parents' permission-- naughty, naughty... but Krusty forgives you.

Krusty:That's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel... Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina... and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills. Oh, she was a sport.

Krusty · Lois Pennycandy:You've got a merchandising meeting. - Cancel it! - Therapist? Cancel it! The line on the Giants is 5½. Put a dime on it.

Krusty · Lois Pennycandy:'Thank you' dinner with Bart Simpson? I don't know Bart Simpson. The boy who saved you from jail. Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Krusty:Hey! Not the face!

Krusty:Go wait in the car.

Krusty:Baruch ata Adonai... Eloheinu melech ha-olam... ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.

Lisa · Krusty:Do you think about your father a lot? All the time. Except when I'm at the track.

Krusty:For the love of God, cut to the commercial!

Rabbi Krustofski · Krusty:Hey, such a filthy habit. Who asked you?

Krusty:I'm not doing the spotlight bit.

Krusty:Oy, a klop tsu deer! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

Krusty:346 consecutive hours... and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop!

Krusty:I wanted to do something... to help... so I called my friend, Sting. He said... 'When do you need me?' I said, 'Thursday.' He said, 'I'm busy.' I said, 'Friday?' He said... 'Friday's worse.' Then he said, 'How about Saturday?' I said, 'Fine.' True story.

Krusty:We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well.

Krusty:Just don't drop it in the shower.

Krusty:If they open the books on this telethon I'm right back in there.

Krusty:Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um... uh... funny. Okay, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist-- Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one.

Krusty:Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.

Krusty:And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results.

Krusty · Mr. Black:I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. Now here's-- [Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black.

Krusty · Announcer · Official:Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! [Man] Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down? [Chortles] Sorry, folks.

Reporter · Krusty:Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!

Krusty · Reporter:I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

Child · Krusty · Lisa:I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! [Gasping] It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.

Krusty · Lisa:At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. [Loud Sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Lisa · Krusty · Bart:Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! [Sobbing] Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

Krusty:I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana! [Cheering]

Krusty:I heartily endorse this event or product.

Krusty:What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning.

Pageant organizer · Krusty:Krusty! About time you got here. Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser?

Krusty:Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right. [Snoring] Oh, that just kept goin', huh?

Krusty:Oh, that just kept goin', huh?

Krusty:This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because-- What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. Uh, personally.

Krusty · Amber Dempsey:Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing? Um-- Take your time, dear. Good thing.

Krusty:And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know.

Krusty:I'll be played by Jimmy Smits

Krusty:Not the face!

Krusty:Krusty Burger is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics!

Krusty · Bart:Coochy coochy coo! - Krusty funny. - Duh.

Krusty:I almost swallowed some of the juice. I'll be tasting that for weeks.

Executive · Krusty:Not to worry, Mr. 'K.' We've rigged the cards. They're all in events that Communists never lose. I like. I like.

Krusty:Oy!

Krusty:You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger.

Homer · Krusty:Krusty, why are you here? Eh, it's part of my public service... for my glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump.

Homer · Krusty:You seem okay. Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

Krusty:They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

Woman · Krusty:Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son!

Krusty · Leonard Nimoy:Krusty wants out! No. The world needs laughter.

Krusty:Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump.

Sideshow Mel · Krusty:Sideshow Mel censored on Krusty show: 'You're a--[bleep]'

Krusty · Sideshow Raheem:Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this. I wouldn't. Right on.

Ralph Wiggum · Krusty:Ralph's innocent declaration on TV: 'I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!'

Krusty:Hey, I don't do The Jewish stuff on the air.

Krusty:Ix-nay on the ew-Jay. Roll the cartoon.

Krusty:Ehh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a-- [Chuckles] Hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

Krusty:Well, here we are. The star of The Blue Lagoon and me, the blue-haired goon!

Krusty:What the-- That's terrible! First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here. Nothin'!

Krusty:[Imitating Vin Scully] Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage. Mm-mmm!

Krusty's Assistant · Krusty:Don't forget the Special Olympics. Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics.

Krusty:I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor. ¡Ay! Oh, que lástima. [Chuckles] I gotta steal that bit.

Krusty · Kids:So, you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right, watch this. Hello, Alphonse. I've got a riddle for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know. Why is a-- [All Screaming] Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead! [Screaming]

Krusty · Announcer:All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show I will send you $40! [Announcer] Checks will not be honored.

Krusty:Well, kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy except they're on the Gabbo Show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team Worker and Parasite!

Krusty:Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show except for that week Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host. 'You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay.' Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

Krusty · Assistant:The important thing is, we're like a family. Krusty, I-- Shut your hole!

Krusty:Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?

Krusty:'Oh, Kyle, I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.' From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.

Krusty:Come on, you stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! No! Don't come over here!

Krusty:Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad.

Gabbo/Arthur · Krusty:Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? Oh! You got it! Ow! Ow! Ooh, blood.

Krusty:If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Bart · Krusty:I didn't know you knew Luke Perry! [Scoffs] Know him? He's my worthless half-brother. He's a big TV star. Yeah, on Fox.

Marge · Krusty:Krusty, what have you done to yourself? I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes. You mean those diet milk shakes? Uh-oh.

Homer · Krusty:You can sleep on the sofa. It folds right out. [Grunting, Yelling] Oh, wait. That was the old sofa. [Screeching]

Krusty · Sideshow Mel:But you've gotta comeback, Mel! We're a team. No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Sideshow Mel · Krusty:Here's your taco, mister. Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry, Krusty. I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity.

Krusty · Luke Perry:Look, kids! A horsie! And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry? A 19th-century carousel. [Yells] Upstage me, will ya? Get the hell out!

Luke Perry · Krusty:Look, there must be something I can do on the show. Please. For Mom's sake? Well, maybe we can find something.

Krusty · Red Hot Chili Peppers:Would you mind changing 'em for the show? Forget you, clown. Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Well, okay. But here, where you say 'What I got, you gotta get and put it in you,' how about just, 'What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you'? Wow! That's much better. Everyone can enjoy that.

Fan · Krusty:I love you, Krusty. Quiet!

Krusty · Luke Perry:Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry? Fire away, Krusty. [Yelling] Aah! My face! My valuable face!

Johnny Carson · Krusty · Bette Midler:Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head. Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing. Oh, yeah? Get a load of this. [Singing Opera]

Lisa · Krusty:This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this. Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why.

Delivery Person · Krusty:Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. [Sobbing] Oy!

Bart · Krusty:That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Krusty:Hey. That seltzer ain't free.

Krusty · Homer:There once was a man named Enis-- I can just haul it away, free?

Homer · Krusty:Hey, Krusty. I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

Krusty · director:Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta! I'm sorry. I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan. It's just-- It's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit. How about a giant mousetrap? I love it!

Bart · Krusty:I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail. Oh, I-- I reunited you with your estranged father. Uh, I don't, uh-- I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately?

Bart · Krusty:I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it.

Bart · Krusty:Wow! A big clown hankie. It's a towel, you yutz! I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.

Krusty:Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory. The birthplace of magic and enchantment. Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.

Krusty:Right in here, boy. If it-- Ooh! I don't know what I was thinking last night. This'll take you a couple hours.

Bart · Krusty:Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.

Krusty · assistant:Aah! There's cheese in this sandwich! Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant! Sorry. Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy. Come stand next to the bathroom door. I want to yell at you some more.

Krusty · Bart:Bart! I need to use you in a sketch. You want me to be on the show? It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead. Dead? Or sick. I don't know. I forget.

Krusty:All you gotta do is say, 'I am waiting for a bus.' Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that?

Bart · Krusty:What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory.

Krusty:Learn from a professional, kid. [Car door closing, tires screeching]

Krusty:Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man! All right. Where's my 400 bucks?

Bart · Krusty:How can you be here when your show's on live? Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.

Sideshow Bob · Krusty:Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning. / Shut up and conduct!

Krusty:Hope you enjoyed that, kids, because Krusty's out of here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running classic Krusty. Enjoy!

Krusty:Nothing gets chocolate out. See?

Krusty:What does that say? 'Talk to the audience'? Oh, God, this is always death.

Krusty:The violentest place on Earth

Krusty:Well, he framed me for armed robbery... but, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

Krusty:Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

Krusty:In the world of the future, we'll need laughter, so I'm in.

Krusty:There's nothing better than a cigarette...unless it's a cigarette lit with a $100 bill.

Krusty:Put 5000 bucks on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator.

Krusty:My house is dirty. Buy me a clean one.

Accountant · Krusty:Did you send 1000 roses to Bea Arthur's grave? - Yes. But she's... - I don't wanna hear the end of sentences.

Krusty:My 'Seven Words You Can't Say on TV' bit was entirely different from your bit.

Krusty:So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuse me!

Krusty · Bookie:Come on. How about letting me go double or nothing on the opera tonight. - Who do you like? - The tenor.

Krusty:Gambling is the finest thing a person can do if he's good at it.

Krusty:I'll just cut back on the condor-egg omelets. A couple of those would be tasty right now.

Krusty · Homer:Those are supposed to be baggy pants. Baggy! - I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

Krusty · Student:Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga...Seattle. - Stop it. You're killing me. Seattle.

Krusty:It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off. But if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.

Krusty:Burn that seat.

Krusty:Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost you?

Krusty:You'll now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets, and the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Krusty:Now come and get your catskins...I mean, sheepskins.

Krusty:Oh, I thought the Generals were due.

Krusty:He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. Take the ball.

Krusty:That game was fixed. They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sake.

Krusty:You can't get blood from a turnip.

Krusty:I look exactly the same, you moron!

Krusty:I can't see, you idiot. Take your hands off my eyes.

Fat Tony · Krusty:Forty-eight dollars. - Here's 50. - And 2, your change. And we thank you.

Krusty:His sexual-harassment suit.

Krusty · Ms. No-Means-No · Sideshow Mel:You're hot. Let's get some dinner after the show. / I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel? / We've never spoken outside of work.

Krusty:Wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. / If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. / And now a word from my new sponsor. / Percodan?! Oh, crap!

Krusty:I contend the tourists were decapitated... before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.

Krusty · Aide:Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! / Krusty, that wasn't the metal one. That was a regular Krusty-O. / It's poison.

Krusty:I won't let you down! Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.

Krusty:Listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist. You throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it 'the forward pass.'

Krusty:Your generous donations have made this our slipperiest, slimiest slobstacle course ever!

Krusty:How can we afford it? It's rancid!

Krusty:Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Let's not go nuts!

Krusty:Wait. If I could only stay on the air... I'd have 100% of the audience. Think of the ratings.

Krusty:I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness!

Krusty:Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower!

Krusty:Uh, and, uh, former president, Ike Eisenhower!

Krusty:It's The Stingy and Battery Show.! They bite and light and bite and light and bite

Krusty:What the hell is that? A lawn mower?

Krusty:If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me... in a variety of sexually explicit positions.

Krusty:Hey! It's not really me. I used a stunt butt.

Krusty:Can I play 'Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One'? - Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief?

Krusty:It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas! Brought to you by ILG- selling your body's chemicals after you die.

Bart · Krusty:Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Krusty · Lawyer:Garnish my celery? Please, Krusty. No jokes. Who's joking?

Krusty:For example, I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie. Yeah! Uh- I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something! Oh, that corner!

Krusty:Forty cents? My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave... if it wasn't filled with some veteran.

Krusty:Oh, my beloved pornography.

Krusty:One night he looked out the window... and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it... but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

Krusty:No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.

Krusty:I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!

Krusty:Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris- research scientists drinking champagne.

Krusty:I tried to drink a Coke on the bus... and they took away my pass.

Krusty:The incessant beep of the global positioning system... is all the companionship I need. Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

Krusty:Tell me where you are now, you bastard! All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies.

Krusty:The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured... for a surprisingly large amount.

Krusty · Chester:I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence- but he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible. - Paint my fence! - Make me.

Krusty · Chester:I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence... but he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible. - Paint my fence! - Make me.

Krusty:"K.K.K."? That's not good. [Nervous Laugh]

Krusty:Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. [Yells] Oh! Somebody shoot it. Somebody shoot it.

Krusty:Well, all the good presidents turned us down.

Krusty · Gerald Ford:Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty. - Who cares?

Krusty:I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.

Krusty:Now it's time for another 'fanschmabulous' episode

Krusty:Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment- Hey, shut up!

Krusty · Roger:What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? / See, that's what I thought at first, but then- Hey, shut up!

Krusty:That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Krusty:Acclaimed? [Spits] / I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads!

Krusty:But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.

Krusty:Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die... they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Krusty:I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.

Krusty:Now it's time for another 'fanschmabulous' episode...

Krusty:Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment- Hey, shut up!

Krusty · Roger:What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter? See, that's what I thought at first, but then- Hey, shut up! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Krusty:Acclaimed? [Spits] I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon... where the robots turn into blingwads!

Krusty:But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.

Krusty:Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die... they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit... that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Krusty:Free comedy tip, slick. The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!

Krusty:That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies!

Krusty:This sexy fellow describes himself as 'a big, thirsty teddy bear.' Say hello to Barney Gumble!

Krusty:Okay. Now, what am I bid? Hey! Now I got zero. I got zero. I got no bid here. I got zero. I'm standir at zero. Anybody wanna go higher than zero? I got zero right now.

Krusty:I got nada. I got zilch. I got bubkes.

Krusty:Come on! He likes sunsets. What more do you want?

Krusty:Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money.

Krusty:Sold to the five desperate chicks!

Krusty · Festival promoter:Charity, eh? What's my cut? / Nothing? I make more than that takin' a 'schwitz.'

Krusty:Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks... and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

Krusty:I tried one the other day. When lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out.

Krusty:You don't have leftovers, you have reruns.

Krusty · Modern comedian:Me so sorry. Ah, so. / What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey?

Krusty:Me like the fried rice. Me flap dickey long time.

Bart · Krusty:Hey, Krusty, great set. Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint. No, no. I was talking to Lisa back there. We both agreed. You killed.

Krusty · Mr. Teeny:They say any publicity is good publicity. / You, sir, are an idiot.

Krusty · Sideshow Mel:I don't know what the hell you are. / You can be so cruel when you're sober.

Krusty:Oh, it hurts to talk. We'll have to work out a system of blinks.

Krusty's mother · Krusty:Oh, P.U., what were you drinking, gasoline? / Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother.

Krusty · Krusty:Man, look at all the crap with my face on it. / 'Krusty's Personal Swabs'? What was I thinking?

Krusty · Bart:Ah, that burns! What the hell is on those things? / Here. Quick, use my Krusty Eye Wash.

Krusty:You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters... and they're still covered with schmutz?

Krusty · Krusty · Audience member · Krusty:Have you ever noticed how there are two phone books... a white one and a yellow one? / Like, what's the deal with that? / One's residential, the other is business. / Oh, well, that makes sense.

Krusty:What's the deal with cardboard?

Krusty:Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills... you got some big-chin schlub... reading typos from the Ralookaville Rost.

Krusty:These comics today. 'Ooh, look at me. I can't set my V.C.R. I can't open a bag of airline peanuts. I'm a freakin' moron.'

Krusty:Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx- God rest his smutty soul.

Krusty · Audience · Krusty:What the hell are you laughin' at? I'm just tellin' the truth. / And it's funny. / It is?

Krusty:The got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake... tellin' me about 'the horrors of an unfresh bowl.'

Krusty:And I tell you somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill... would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel.

Krusty · Audience member · Krusty:Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on. / Uh, isn't that illegal? / I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me?

Krusty · Executive:Oh, well. No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out. Are you sure? It's free. Stop saying that!

Krusty:The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car... with the rugged drivability of a sturdy 4x4.

Krusty:Fat-free yogurt. The-The quality of computer porn.

Krusty:It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.

Krusty:It's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV.

Krusty:We could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20.

Krusty:'S' is for shiksa. S-H-I- Mmm-

Krusty:I think there's a 'T' in there somewhere. Ah, look it up.

Krusty · Grampa:Krusty here to cheer you up... as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program. / Last laugh?

Krusty:Oh, boy! Ooh, looks like we're both short on time.

Krusty:Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam. I picked up this chick last night. At least I thought she was a chick.

Krusty · Lisa · Bart:You choked? You choked? Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer. I'm reading.

Krusty:Nectar. Nectar. I need to drink my weight in nectar

Krusty:We knew it contained spider eggs... but the hantavirus- well, that really came out of left field.

Krusty:So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, 'kwazy' Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.

Krusty:Have you gone completely fakakta? Hey, I got my comedy K's back. King Kong coldcocked Kato Kaelin.

Krusty:Hey, you gentiles are all right. [Kisses]

Krusty:Krusty wins award, turns to person next to him: 'Who are you?' 'Seat filler.' 'Aw!'

Krusty · Marge:who's your favorite Native American warrior? Crazy Horse! Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Krusty:Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.

Krusty:Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day! Now if you could bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, yeah.

Krusty:Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day! Now if you could bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, yeah.

Sophie · Krusty:My name is Sophie. - Hey, good luck with that. - I'm your daughter. - What?

Krusty:Ohh! I think I just 'seltzered' myself.

Krusty:Shut up, Updike!

Krusty · Sophie:Was your mother an Israeli flight attendant? - No. - Cokie Roberts? - No, she was a soldier. Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, 32 confirmed kills-

Krusty:Saddam Hussein? They should call him 'So-Damn-Insane!'

Krusty:Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't bitin'. Whatever it was, it was magic.

Krusty:You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!

Krusty:I just saved my baseball bit. 'Who-say-in's on first, lya-toll-ya's on second and-' Aah!

Krusty:What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?

Krusty:Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things... or says stuff, or looks at you, but the love is there.

Krusty:Ohh! I gotta sit up now? Ohh! What am I, Baryshnikov? Ohh!

Krusty:I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell ya, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.

Krusty:No. I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes. You might want to watch out for that too.

Krusty:No. I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes. You might want to watch out for that too.

Krusty:I think I'll go somewhere friendlier, like beautiful downtown Grozny.

Krusty:My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the 'got your nose' bit on her, didn't fool her for a second.

Krusty · Fat Tony:A weema-way A weema-way - Don't do that.

Fat Tony · Krusty:Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value's through the roof. It is acceptable.

Sophie · Krusty:This is a ukulele. - Yeah, the thinking man's violin. Check it out.

Krusty:Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.

Sophie · Krusty:Small bills, unmarked and nonsequential. Holy samolians! There must be five grand in there! Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you.

Krusty:Shut up, Updike!

Krusty:I hope I don't get arrested for... racket earring. / Aw, what do you want? I'm not gonna do 'A' material for charity.

Krusty:Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad.

Krusty:These ferkachted network notes. Can you believe this?

Krusty:I don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee.

Krusty:Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words. It's not. It's words that sound dirty, like 'mukluk.'

Krusty:Oh, you know, I had a thing for Judge Judy and blank tape was 3.99. What would you do?

Krusty:The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired whozits.

Krusty:Back then you couldn't say 'pants' on TV. I was banned for 10 years.

Krusty:The ferkachted doors are stuck! Don't just stare, Arte. Help me!

Krusty:Oh, look. It was all a bookkeeping snafu.

Krusty:Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.

Krusty:Will ya stop with the 'sorry'? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, you nut!

Sideshow Bob · Krusty:We are good together, Krusty. It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.

Krusty:Mukluk.

Krusty:Idiot! You almost ran over a viewer! And she's in our key demo!

Krusty:Oh, good, you worked in Judge Ito.

Krusty:Ooh! Right in the panhandle!

Krusty:And he's already given out all his cheers.

Krusty:This is horrible. My spit-takes all have blood in them.

Krusty:Sorry don't suture my colon! And you're off my show forever!

Homer · Krusty:Kathleen Turner! / No! It's me, Krusty!

Homer · Krusty:Are the proceeds going to charity? / Hell, no! / Whoo-hoo!

Krusty:We're all here tonight for one reason. / To keep Homer away from the buffet!

Bart · Lisa · Krusty:Who's Mark Spitz? / What's a telegram? / Oh, forget it!

Krusty:Carbon dating!

Alien · Krusty:Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! / Hey, he stole my bit!

Krusty:That's sad. All those kids. I think he's building to something.

Krusty:Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder.

Krusty:No, I got where I am by naming names in the '50s.

Krusty:Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo? Oh.

Krusty:It should be in a museum. But museums don't want it.

Krusty:I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells.

Krusty:Say hello to Bob- [Grunts] and Carol and Ted and Alice- [Grunting]

Krusty:I don't mind the taste.

Krusty:Have your mom mail back the hat after, uh, you know...

Krusty:Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep fighting. Where's my chai latte?

Krusty:Immigration? Oh, uh, Teeny here is from Brazil. His uncle was the head monkey at the Bureau of Tourism

Krusty:It's doing 13 while she's elevening your five

Krusty:Sure, no 12 off my ass

Krusty:Russian hooker. You tell me

Krusty:I did find out one fact: she was a guy

Krusty:She had more acting talent in one boob than most women have in their entire rack

Krusty:Yeah, listen to the tomato with the melons

Krusty:For a thousand, I can have somebody whacked. Uh, it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke

Krusty:You can't judge me by that sketch. It was a different time, 1998

Krusty:I'm Carlton Witherspoon III. Where's my five iron?

Lisa · Krusty:Krusty, why did you just drop your pants? I needed a joke to go out on

Krusty:A voice that will go: Ahooga! Wah-wah! Wac ka-wac ka-wac ka!

Krusty:And watch out for the 612

Krusty:I won. I'm a senator. Congressman. Whatever

Krusty:So relax, gun nuts. I can't touch you

Krusty:So relax, gun nuts. I can't touch you.

Krusty:I say we make them out of chocolate. Kids eat them. Why fight it?

Krusty:Did I promise to be a slave to big oil? No. Well, then none

Krusty · Lisa:How could you vote? You're only 10. This is not about me. Or how many times I voted

Congressman · Krusty:No one usually shows up unless there's a vote. Well, then why are you here? I steal stuff when everyone's gone

Krusty:I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington

Krusty:Look, I give people a meatlike burger and some kind of cola

Krusty:Good as new. [stapling burgers together]

Krusty:Look, I give people a meat-like burger and some kind of cola

Krusty:Good as new

Krusty:That's even worse than 'I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas.' For this, I tied my bathrobe?

Krusty:Very good. Now, let me stand on my mark between the snake and its baby...

Krusty:Seen it... Bad... Boring... Saw it on the plane... Rerun... Rerun... Telemundo... Me... Turned it down... ABC... Banned from the set... Lame... Lame... Regis...

Krusty:Let's see, champagne or Slim Fast?

Krusty:Here, go on Sandy Koufax. I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night!

Krusty:Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon?

Krusty:Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES)

Krusty · Rabbi:Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do. Goodbye.

Krusty:Oh, I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing!

Krusty:I thought I was a self-hating Jew! But it turns out, I'm just a plain old anti-Semite!

Krusty:Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy with a prostate the size of a goat's head!

Krusty:I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing till right now.

Krusty:Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.

Rabbi · Krusty:So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh. Yes, it is. You're a clown.

Krusty:That'd be great. Are you sure that's kosher?

Krusty:Mouse-l Tov!

Krusty:He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package!

Krusty:Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse.

Krusty:Man, are you unpleasant! You're in!

Executive · Krusty:You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too!

Krusty:How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is I'm rife with disease!

Krusty:Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap.

Krusty · Mr. T:T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah. We were kind of rough on him. I feel bad for the guy. You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it.

Krusty:I wish I had invested my money better.

Krusty:For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Lisa · Bart · Krusty:Why are your keys in my scrambled eggs? And why is krusty on the couch? This'll cover what I did to the fireplace. (Groans)

Krusty:I haven't cried like this since the third Mr. Teeny died.

Krusty:You couldn't hold a candle to him. Neither could you!

Krusty:And we pass the slavings on to you

Krusty:Itchy, Scratchy, Poochy, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochy, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy, and Osama Bin Scratchy

Krusty:Children go to the pharmacy of your parents. And find the pills marked: Lithium dibromide. And send them to me. Now! Nobody likes Clown lunatics!

Krusty:I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals.

Krusty:Can't I get a cup of coffee without doing a monkey dance for you freaks? The fishing hat means leave me alone!

Krusty:Kent Sorry, I sold all my weather jokes to Jay Mohr.

Krusty:But I can make sounds funny in your microphone.

Krusty:Hello kids! Heart disease can strike anyone. Like clowns who are alcoholics and smokers. That's why I had the doctor give me a zipper.

Krusty:Hello kids! Heart disease can strike anyone. Like clowns who are alcoholics and smokers. That's why I had the doctor install a zipper.

Krusty:The zipper got stuck. Should have gone with buttons.

Krusty:So tired that the only thing that picks me up is smoking. / The only thing it does is bring me back to normal.

Krusty:Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause?

Krusty:Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.

Krusty:So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks.

Krusty:After this, I got to record 27 seasons of DVD commentaries, and I remember nothing.

Krusty:I was going to be your celebrity judge, but then I realized I'd have to pay attention.

Krusty:When she sings a 'C,' it's a 'C.' Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on.

Krusty:I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker.

Krusty:That's a quality joke.

Krusty:Disclaimer: All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.

Krusty · Krusty:Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night. / What do you mean, talk to your shop steward?

Krusty · Eliminated contestants:Hey, you're supposed to clean this out every night. What do you mean, talk to your shop steward?

Krusty:Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.

Krusty:Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying. Oh, God, that's battery acid.

Krusty:Oh, God, that's battery acid.

Krusty:I thought we were getting Charlie's Angels.

Krusty:To all the fans of Los Lobos, mucho, mucho condolences.

Krusty:Hi kids! This fat guy only paid for 20 seconds, so listen. Moses got chickenpox and scratched day and night. He asked the rabbi what to do, and he said... Time's up. I'm out.

Krusty:Time's up. I'm outta here.

Krusty:Vendetta? What's that, an Italian vending machine?

Krusty:Yeah, well, it sounds like you're all taking a Napoli.

Krusty:Well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to America. Everyone, break off a piece and hide it on your person.

Krusty:These holiday cookies swell my fat cat even though we're not gentile

Krusty:'Give the audience snowballs,' they said. 'It'll be cute,' they said.

Krusty:Get me a lemur, or a marmot. Or Tom Greene, he's not doing anything these days. And really stick it to him on the money.

Krusty:Goin' out with a sight gag. Nice.

Krusty:Could I just pay you $5 to keep out Hardee's?

Krusty:Ow! My schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!

Krusty:Now I'm gonna go vomit to keep my weight down. That's right. That's how Krusty does it.

Krusty:Finally, I'd like to announce that starting Monday, this show will be broadcast in HDTV. Here's how I'll look. Heh? That's right: look at your hero!

Krusty:Legendary defender of the Jewish people, like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience.

Krusty:I kid Alan. We're friends.

Krusty · Audience Member:So the wife says, 'I don't have to pay for it. I put it on my charge plate.' You suck, clown! You made my lady cry!

Krusty:I'm gonna need a shoebox full of blow to get through this dreck.

Krusty:That's what we call Jewish humor. You don't have to understand it 'cause the words sound funny. Meshuggeneh. Hilarious.

Krusty:second-tier costume characters. Like Ribwich Rib-it!

Krusty:right off the plane from his dad's funeral, Sideshow Mel!

Krusty:Elvis... Stojko!

Cletus child · Krusty:Hey! You're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose. A clown? No, a... Joker!

Krusty · Sondheim:What's your name again, fuzz-face? Stephen Sondheim.

Krusty:You didn't?! Oh, no!

Krusty:Your head dinged my door panel! Jerks like you ought to be shot!

Rainier · Krusty:Krusty, your response was the least funny. I'm a visual comedian. Did you get the j-peg? Wouldn't open.

Krusty:How are you gonna help us, Beefaroni?

Krusty:I'm a cat walking down the street, swinging my arms. Look, a lady made of dynamite! Wait, I don't know that yet.

Krusty:I was voted America's least funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy. Even worse Sergeant Serious! How could I do worse than him?! I stole all his jokes!

Krusty:Hey, if I can say yes to Chinese toys that kill kids, you can say yes to him.

Krusty:Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Krusty · Homer:Instead of a carnival ride, what if he was run over by a Zamboni with a moustache? / I don't see how. / Then I got nothing.

Krusty:There's the kid who killed my best friend! Buy my DVD.

Jon Stewart · Krusty:Haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit. Yeah, well, I really didn't believe in the cause. Well, Krusty's Kids sure missed ya. Yeah, they're great. A little clingy...

Jon Stewart · Krusty:Are you writing this down? Nah, this is somethin' else.

Krusty:Rush Limbaugh's sweatpants?

Jon Stewart · Krusty:Well, I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'm gonna try and remember you the way you used to be. But I've always been terrible!

Krusty · Crowd Member:Got her! / Krusty? / I just want to win one thing in my life! / It's not real. / Don't you dare ruin the moment!

Krusty:Hey, hey, kids! It's a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning. So get ready for six hours of cartoons!

Krusty:I never thought I'd make it past 400 episodes, what with the drinking and the smoking and the fact that I'm just not that good.

Krusty:Hey! Quit steppin' on my solo, ya creepy little show monkeys!

Krusty:That's right. All except the successful ones.

Krusty:As long you're willing to sign a 20 year personal services contract where I get 99% of all your earnings.

Krusty:Sorry I'm four hours late.

Krusty:You kids were all terrific. I wish I could make each of you a Krusketeer, but we only have enough money for one. Plus, I don't really want to.

Krusty:To make Bart a Krusketeer? Hell, no. To make you my new intern.

Krusty:Now go get me my dry-cleaning, which is my code word for scotch. And get me a scotch, which is my code word for my bookie. Also, go get my dry-cleaning.

Krusty:I wish I was paying you, so I could dock your salary.

Krusty:Oh, and go to my joke file and make all the 'Sophia Lorens' into 'Lindsay Lohans.'

Krusty:What am I, Al Gore? Just do it.

Krusty:I know what I want and I get it.

Krusty:I was gonna say 'cheap Korean animation,' but sure.

Krusty:I'm gonna call you 'The Goy Wonder.' Because I don't remember your name.

Krusty · Ron:Which clown? Chuckles? Professor Nitwit? No, you! No Yu, the Chinese Clown?

Krusty:I can be eight! La, la, la, la. I'm eight years old.

Krusty:This is the lowest I've ever sunk and I once made out with a blow-up doll

Krusty:Sorry you broke up with me now Cindy?

Krusty:This just in: I don't give a crap.

Krusty:She crashed her car in to mine and said, 'Look, honey, we have a hybrid.'

Krusty:Hey, hey, kids! Your old pal Krusty's gonna teach you five new words: Unlicensed use of my image.

Krusty:Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?!

Krusty:I always thought I'd die of hepatitis ... C.

Krusty:I hate this MyPod! I can't watch movies on a screen this small. And the music today-- don't get me started!

Krusty:I said, don't get me started!

Krusty:Come on, isn't someone going to get me started?!

Krusty:Uh, let's go, Teeny. Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.

Krusty:Thank the Jewish Clown Awards gift basket.

Krusty:You call a sandwich maker an artist, it's like an invitation to steal! A guy's going nani-nooni bananas in there!

Krusty:Hey-hey, you're pregnant and it's not mine!

Krusty:Repackage them as coffee stirrers and sell them in the Philippines.

Krusty:What's that food we never put in any of our meals? Vegetables? Yeah, those guys.

Krusty · Business Executive:What are those unhealthy he-she sounding things? Uh, trans fats?

Krusty:Spray a little nicotine juice on the kids' meals. Get 'em hooked.

Krusty:Made from 100% wheat-fed barley.

Krusty · Comic:Yeah, I thought a noisy public place would be the best spot to tell you that I've been dating your wife. / What?! / Also, could you tell her I'm dumping her?

Krusty:We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun.

Krusty:Burger Squared! The math checks out!

Krusty:For you, kid, anything. Anything at all. Although I won't read screen plays. That's for your protection.

Krusty:Whoa! Ex-wife! Former writing partner! Bookie! Dog I abandoned! A.A. sponsor! Love child!

Krusty:I wanted warm water, not worm water!

Krusty · Marge:Hilarious! / I don't like this. Real humor comes from people being nice to each other.

Krusty:please hand back all the hats, toys, and savings bonds I passed out during the taping

Krusty:if my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers

Krusty:Hey, hey! I'm non-union!

Krusty:Make it exactly like the other crap on your network, but just let me stay!

Krusty:The network 'geniuses' with the ink still drying on their MBAs

Krusty:Girls don't laugh, and they don't buy cigars.

Bart · Krusty:One of Look magazine's hundred most-promising clowns of 1958. / A lot of suicides in that group.

Krusty:Funny suicides, but still.

Krusty:Oh, why do clown things always happen to clowns?

Krusty:'Cause I got a girlfriend under 33...

Holly Hippie · Krusty:He wouldn't let me watch the moon landing. / I was jealous of Neil Armstrong.

Krusty · Krusty:And that's why I can't marry you. / This kid and his ugly sister are right.

Krusty:Princess, you're the only woman I care about enough to ditch at the altar.

Krusty:Ah, I'd rather be a happy schnook than a noble shlumpf.

Krusty · Bart:Don't want to end up in hell. Jews don't believe in hell. No hell? Thank you, kid. You made my day.

Krusty:Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? She lost the recipe.

Krusty:Whoa, that one's so ugly, it reminds me of my ex-wife! Hah!

Krusty:That one reminds me of her lawyer. Congress... elderly drivers... commercials... Bella Abzug...

Krusty · Audience Member:Everybody's a comedian. / Except you!

Krusty:this thing is worth nearly two million dollars. How do you like me now, Teen Choice Awards?

Krusty:I'm looking forward to visiting the Arctic Circle, or as I call it, my wife's side of the bed! For the purposes of that joke, I'm married.

Krusty:Hey! You! Big Chief Laugh-at-Crap.

Krusty · Homer:Homer, you're the easiest laugh I know. How easy am I? Shut up!

Krusty:Your drugs put me to sleep. Your drugs wake me up. If I ask you to give me more, you say no. If I ask you again, you give 'em to me.

Krusty:How 'bout that airline food, huh? They should've called it 'chicken cordon blech'!

Krusty:Wait a minute... This doesn't look like Oslo. Where are the wood-stave churches? Historic Akershus Fortress?

Dutch Official · Krusty:You are in Holland... specifically, The Hague. Did you say a Hague? I said The Hague.

Krusty:Everyone's windmill needs a new blade now and then, right?

Krusty:Did you ever see my 'Wyatt Burp' sketch? Everyone on my payroll says it's great.

Krusty:Let me do my 'Dutch Oven' bit! It's about other Dutchmen, not you.

Krusty:Top to bottom, left to right, readin' things is outta sight.

Krusty:Speaking of out of sight, you've gotta hide me. I slept with the lighting director's wife, and...

Krusty · Dutch Official:Come on, I thought you Euro-jerks loved unfunny comedy. We don't put 'Euro' in front of everything. Euro-guards! Take him away in Euro-cuffs.

Krusty:My contract specifically stated half regular, half ruffled! Forget it! The gig's off! I ain't gonna play Sun City. Vuvuzela me out of here.

Krusty · Dutch Official:Now, where's the nearest place I can score a little victory weed? That would be the courthouse cafeteria. I'll be right there. Order me, um, a raspberry crepe and a brick of hash.

Dutch Official · Krusty:How do you smoke it? I melt it and inject it into my eyelid. Hey, you're all right.

Krusty:Beneath this smile, I'm in awful, awful pain!

Krusty:Welcome, precious primetime viewers, valued Internet downloaders, and scary digital pirates!

Krusty:I went too far! Spoiled the whole show for everybody! I don't deserve to wield the remote. Oh, I'm getting old and gray... I'm dead.

Krusty:It's Texxon's way of saying, 'Sorry about those million dead pelicans.'

Krusty:If, if Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel, huh? Huh?

Krusty:When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong, I said, 'How much?' And they said, 'We don't pay for introductions,' so I said, 'Then I don't need this crummy gig.' And they said, 'Yes, you do,' and I said... 'Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!'

Ralph · Krusty:Are we in Kansas anymore? No. Well, are we in Nebraska? No! We are not in any state! Oh, oh, is it Michigan?

Krusty:Gotta play a Nazi party rally. Oh, yeah, they're back.

Krusty · Other alien:Let's fry these calamari and dip 'em in a sauce made of their own blood! And wine from their own grapes. That's not so bad. It's a little bad.

Krusty:My comedy comes from taking risks. Or avoiding them, I can't remember.

Krusty:Oh, why can't I be funny with just my words?

Krusty:Always gets me.

Krusty:I used up my stuff poisoning deer.

Krusty:Get to the point! Unless you want a face full of clown chunks!

Krusty:We got buzz. Positive buzz. That exists? Wow.

Krusty · Milhouse:Children of troubled marriages not eligible. Oh!

Krusty:Can't get enough Itchy and Scratchy! And now it's time for... another Itchy and Scratchy? Who's the star of this show, me or...?!

Krusty:Why is my show all cartoons?! And all the movies they're making fun of are over a year old. It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hacky. Why can't we...?!

Krusty:Wikipedia, Twitter-- who names these things? Percy Dovetonsils?

Krusty:Yep, everything's nice and legal!

Krusty:so I don't have a funny third item.

Krusty:Little help? This only shuts the door.

Krusty:Now I'm strung out in a ball pit!

Krusty:Also better get back on those anti-psychotic meds.

Krusty:They're gonna want F-bombs and all I can give 'em is 'ca-ca' and 'ta-tas.'

Krusty:What did he get in trouble for? That's all?! I did that while you were on the phone!

Krusty:And if they didn't, until the '70s, I hit 'em with a stick.

Krusty:It's called Circus of Shame or something.

Krusty:Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.

Krusty:I've pulled out everything but my Little Krusty.

Krusty:And this time I'm not blowing it on cocaine for my horses.

Krusty:They start well, then they get paranoid around the third turn.

Krusty:Which ones? Telebozo? Shtick at Nite? E.S.P.U.?

Krusty:Beloved entertainer... sad old man! Beloved entertainer... sad old man!

Krusty:For years I lived on piñata candy!

Krusty:Ooh! Idea for sketch: rapping mummy. Notorious T-U-T. It writes itself. Find someone to write it.

Krusty:Hey-how-are-ya-don't-talk-to-me-the-show's-starting.

Krusty:Sex over 60: The Mechanics of the Impossible. Take two!

Bart's sons · Krusty:Who's Krusty? Only the funniest man in the world. I've never let go of my fax machine. Don't ask me why. I like the sound of a fax coming through. Especially if it's a nice deli menu.

Krusty:That the town I sponsor in Africa doesn't exist? Prove it! Film all of Africa!

Documentary filmmaker · Krusty:Do you actually serve those items? No.

Nelson · Krusty:Hugh Jackman Wolverine? / I'm not made of money. / Alicia Silverstone Batgirl? / He's that now.

Krusty:It wasn't even my place! Man, I got a bad lawyer.

Krusty:So, Lady Godiva gets a haircut, right, and... Kids? Uh, no problem. I'll just cut to my clean material.

Krusty:Farmer's daughter, no. A man from Nantucket, no. Bring out the monkey!

Krusty:Next time I'm getting a smaller monkey.

Krusty:I know it's a kid's show, but I got to see you topless.

Woman · Krusty:This isn't your dressing room. I know, but the monkey's got a girl in my dressing room.

Sideshow Mel · Krusty:Do I get a vote? That's just air escaping his lungs.

Krusty:Where's my mail-order bride?

Krusty:I threw it out the window during my post-show hissy fit.

Krusty:Seriously, folks, I really think we should stop this Hitler guy.

Krusty:It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly.

Krusty:As the 4:00 p.m. clown, I have complete control of the Channel 6 news division.

Krusty:People only want news at 6:00 p.m. from white guys on weekdays and black guys on weekends.

Krusty:Don't take my custom limo! At least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats!

Krusty:worse luck in the Bitcoin market

Krusty:heavy investment in a high-end bookmark company

Krusty:That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects.

Krusty:Not my Monet! I only looked at it once!

Krusty:Not my Shetland dolphin! Although I won't miss the constant yapping.

Krusty:Just do the Krusty show in your country and send me ten percent. Then send me another 60%. Then five percent more, and you're good.

Krusty:I also can't ad-lib, memorize anything, improv or tell a joke.

Krusty:Well, I was supposed to be one of the sad ones.

Krusty:Come back! I'm a clown! I can't afford to look ridiculous!