Bart Has Two Mommies

Lisa · Bart:Why does god always need money? It's a lot of little stuff. God has to pay all the elves in his workshop. Plus he's got all those planets to support. Did you see that ring he gave saturn?

Homer · Marge:Who knew saints had such fat heads? It's all a big scam. This booth? No, religion in general.

Reverend Lovejoy · Marge:Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty episcopal church across the street. Reverend, why do we really need this? To compensate for my own sense of smallness.

Reverend Lovejoy:That's the new femac, the computer designed just for women. The 'you've got mail' voice is Susan Sarandon. You've got mail, unlike the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Get informed.

Marge · Homer:How can you be sure? 'Cause he wants it.

Race Announcer:Someone's not on their mark. That's better. Go!

Homer:Protect the duck. D'oh! Protect the duck. Uh! PRoduck the tect.

Race Official:Hey! This race is for rubber ducks, not meat ducks.

Homer:A living duck? I wished too hard and he became real.

Ned Flanders:This is my favorite kind of surprise: Mild.

Marge · Homer:The fact that you tried means everything. Hey, that's the same thing you said to Bart after he choked in that soccer game. And we both know he sucked. And how. But this is different.

Ned Flanders:You know, all those complete strangers googling each other makes my flesh crawl.

Ned Flanders:Well, sir, we could do a little quid pro for the kaypro. That left-handed convention is in town and as the owner of Springfield's largest southpaw shop, I just got to be there. Could you nanny-goat my kid-diddly-ids?

Ned Flanders:Our last baby-sitter let them watch comedy central. Now Rod makes me check the closet every night for Rita Rudner. No Rudner.

Marge · Rod · Todd:Okay, game over. It's a tie. That means we both come in second. We're number two!

Ned Flanders · Randy Johnson:Wow, it's the big unit himself, Randy Johnson. You fanned more men than Salome. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Ned Flanders · Randy Johnson:You have one for a mailman? A bear can't be a mailman. Now how many Dr. Bears do you want? They come in boxes of a thousand. One box. You and me got a problem.

Rod · Todd:I'm a chimpmunk. I eat nuts without saying grace. I'm a permission slip.

Rod · Todd:And could you ask mommy to come to daddy in a dream and tell him how to cut our sandwiches? And please tell Mrs. Simpson it's rude to eavesdrop on our prayers. But we forgive her.

Homer · Bart · Lisa:Ready? Ready. And joust! That was awesome! Let's do it again. A canoe made of country ham? You know I'll eat it.

Bart · Rod · Todd:What's wrong with your teeter-totter? Daddy says up and down see-saws are dangerous. Chocks?! Why don't we try it... freestyle.

Rod or Todd:El mundo es loco!

Homer · Marge:So, Marge, in tomorrow's game, I'm gonna recover a fumble just for you. Maybe you'll run it in for a touchdown. Don't pressure me. I get enough of that from my dad.

Bart:Dad, mom's over at the Flanders', baby-sitting nimRod and nimTodd.

Lisa:I want to go to the showbiz animal retirement home. They take in animals from the movies and tv that aren't cute anymore.

Bart · Lisa:Do you think any of the gremlins from the gremlins movie are there? Sure. I am gonna get them so wet.

Homer:Sad? You're crazy. I feel like I'm at the oscars for the animals I forgot existed. Aflac!

Yogi Bear · Homer:I'm not a real bear! That was just the name of my character. Now let me out! Hey, you know where the bathroom is? Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

Unnamed Character:Word on the street is: Cover the toilet seat with tissue. Sweet... sweet tissue.

Zookeeper:One of them played the out-of-control judiciary in a republican party commercial.

Comic Book Guy:No, no, it's still 'kid-napped.' The prefix applies to the victim.

Zookeeper · Homer:A chimp that size could tear your son's head right off. But she'll leave the rest of him alone?

Ned Flanders · Rod:Call me ned zeppelin, but is one of my boys abrased and contused? I cut myself on the knife, playing christian clue. The secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation!

Rod or Todd:I cut myself on the knife, playing christian clue. The secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation!

Ned Flanders:They're all I've got since that sad day when maude found eternal happiness.

Ned Flanders:Well, their mascot is a kneepad wearing a helmet.

Homer · Marge:You haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen. I didn't say that. I know what you think: When stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.

Homer:Help me, Lisa! I have serious mental problems!

Monkey:Sorry, lady. I've never eaten fresh fruit and I reckon I never will.

Bart:This oreo is rank.

Lisa:Then i'll come back and feed the monkey a peach full of antifreeze.

Ned Flanders:I'm not Ned. I'm a... friendly dog. I'm not a good liar.

Ned Flanders:He chipped a tooth! How will he bite wheat thins? How?!

News reporter:Local boy Bart simpson is being held hostage by an angry chimpanzee who has improved both his hygiene and posture.

News Reporter:His so-called real mother could not be found for comment.

Ned Flanders · Rod/Todd:Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: Look at bread. No! The 'n' word!

Ned Flanders:Uno?! That's a gateway game to pinochle.

Rod · Todd:She made us feel happy. And not church-happy. For real happy.

Professor Frink:Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings. If they did, then my experiments could be called cruel.

Krusty:Get me a lemur, or a marmot. Or Tom Greene, he's not doing anything these days. And really stick it to him on the money.

Bart · Rod:Okay, but don't let our hands touch. It's gay. What's 'gay' mean? It means you used to be afraid, but now you're not.

Bart · Rod:Okay, but don't let our hands touch. It's gay. What's 'gay' mean? It means you used to be afraid, but now you're not.

Rod · Ned:I'm gay, daddy! I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay! I believe he's saying he's okay.

Waldorf · Statler:I haven't seen climbing like that since Dudley Moore married Susan Anton! Bob, why did I wait a hundred years to get you up here? You're tellin' me. Now I can look down Dolly Parton's dress whenever I want.