Comic Book Guy

Your spirits have imparted a glow to this old warhorse. I feel like Radiation Man!

I stand corrected.

Get that punk's name. No one makes a fool of me.

It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for 100.

Your emotion is out of place.

No way. What do you want? I don't need this. I've got a master's degree in folklore.

If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons... I swear I'll scream. At first they were cute, but now they're annoying. 18 bucks for this? What a rip-off.

Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron.

Here, boy. In here. Huh? Hold on, Son. [Engine Puttering] So long, suckers. Damn. They're very slowly getting away.

I did it. Second in line. And all I had to do was miss eight days of work.

With the money you would have made working, you could've bought tickets from a scalper. In theory, yes. Jerk.

Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- / Crappy.

This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.

Can't you give me anything for it? / I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year?

Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

Behold the ultimate Pog.

The only decent new one is Radiation Dude. - He's a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.

Up and Atom! With 'at 'em' spelled A-T-O-M, in a delicious pun.

While Radiation Dude has a similar but lamer catchphrase, 'Up and let's go!'

I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.

Need know star R.M. pic.

Since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt.

But they were most interested in having possession of a little boy's soul.

It contains a very rare Mary Worth... in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative $59. Oh, oh, please take my $59. I don't want it. It's yours.

Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price.

Though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.

Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.

I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go, for the good of the city.

All right! Fangoria will give me 25 bucks for this shot.

That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. It is worth $150.

A child has already solved the Jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries.'

I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote 'sir'?

I find their choice of prize highly illogical... as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-size belt.

Very well. I must hurry back to my comic-book store... where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Oh, all the time. Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who-

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone... he strikes the same rib twice in succession... yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we- to believe that this is some sort of a- [Chuckles] a magic xylophone or something?

Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

I withdraw my question.

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt... the worst episode ever!

Worst episode ever.

In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone... he strikes the same rib twice in succession... yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we- to believe that this is some sort of a- a magic xylophone or something?

Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

I withdraw my question.

Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt... the worst episode ever!

Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes... registering my disgust throughout the world.

Worst episode ever.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time... to defeat Jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games

pardon me, Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson... but your phony credit card is no good here

Now, make like my pants and split!

I'll bet I get blamed for this. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds.

Oooh, I've wasted my life.

I'm comfortable with who I am. You're a disgrace to this family.

[Sighs] Oh. It appears... I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.

Comic Book Guy to Kim Basinger: 'Those red pumps you wore in L.A. Confidential were fabulous. Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 12 double-E.'

Hi, Lisa / Hey, Lisa / Guten Tag

A, that is not water. It is diet Mr. Pibb. And B, I- ooh

Don't try to change me, baby

'Legends of comedy,' my tuchus! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?

Yeah, not a dame in sight. Oh, thank God. Now we can stop holding it in. [All Sighing]

Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake. [Groaning] That's painful.

Worst... reading... ever.

My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts!

Whoa! This place has everything... even a Shoplifting Department. What convenience. I'm doin' all my thievin' here.

Forsooth. Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord

Or Walden Two. - Yeah, a real Candy Land! - Of the mind. The mind.