A Star Is Burns

Rapping Rabbis:Combining religious dietary laws with MC Hammer lyrics

Homer:Wait, wait. Rapping rabbis? Since when do we have rapping rabbis?

Marge:Homer, you're not even Jewish.

Homer:I know that! I'm just saying, if we did...

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you this special news bulletin. A new study shows that news anchors are overpaid, under-talented has-beens with spray-on tans and an inability to form complete sentences. We now return you to your regularly scheduled...

Kent Brockman:Wait a minute... that's about me!

Professor Frink:Well, the Earth does revolve around the sun, not the other way around.

Mayor Quimby:That's just your opinion, Professor.

FDR actor:I'll do something about this depression!

FDR actor:I'll... oh, right, I can't walk.

Moe:I'm gonna make this place a real tourist attraction! I'll get one of those big metal things that tells you what you're looking at.

Barney:You mean a plaque?

Moe:Yeah, yeah, a plaque. So I'll put one right out front that says 'Moe's Tavern — Moe's Tavern.'

Tourist:Excuse me, are you Drew Barrymore?

Drew Barrymore:Yeah, that's right. What do you want?

Tourist:Oh wow, I'm such a big fan!

Drew Barrymore:That's nice. Now leave me alone, I have a massive headache.

Comic Book Guy:Ah yes, the easiest way to be popular is to leech off the popularity of others. Much like how I've based my entire identity on liking things that are popular with nerds.

Bart:And here's Springfield from space.

Mayor Quimby:My God, it's beautiful!

Bart:Psych! That's my butt!

Bart:It was all Milhouse's fault! He said he could pick the lock!

Milhouse:What? You told me to do it!

Bart:Well, you did it wrong, four-eyes!

Grandpa Simpson:The metric system? That's communist! I fought in World War II to keep this country from going metric! My blood is red, white, and blue, not decimal!

Grandpa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't need your fancy metric system. We had our own measurements that made perfect sense. A smidgen, a dab, a dollop, a pinch. And for the big stuff, we'd just say 'about yay high' and hold our hands up. That was precise enough!

Mayor Quimby:This meeting is adjourned!

Grandpa Simpson:Wait, what's a meter?

Marge Simpson:I have several other ideas.

Springfield crowd:Boo! Boo! Get her out of here!

Bart:And now, my classic films.

Bart:Oh wait, those are just Dad in the bathroom.

Homer:Why won't these pants fit?! The tag says 34 inches!

Homer:Stupid Dockers and their lies! I'm a perfectly normal 34 inches!

Homer:Marge! Marge! These pants are defective!

Ned Flanders:Alright-diddly-ight, let's get this picture show on the road! Lights-a-diddly-ights, camera-a-diddly-amera, action-diddly-action!

Ned Flanders:Todd! Todd, come in Todd!

Todd Flanders:Dad?

Ned Flanders:Thank the Lord! I've been praying on all frequencies!

Todd Flanders:Thank you, Lord!

God:Well, hi-diddly-ho, Todd. Glad I could help-a-rooney!

Marge:I'm looking for a film critic.

Leonard Maltin:Well, I'm Leonard Maltin, and I'm considered one of the most respected film critics in America.

Marge:Yes, and you're also considered the most attractive.

Jay Sherman:It stinks!

Rainier Wolfcastle:You ever notice how you go to the refrigerator, and you open the door, and the light comes on? But when you close the door, the light goes off? How do they know?

Jay Sherman:Brilliant! Hilarious!

Audience member:Boo! Get off the stage!

Audience member:That wasn't funny!

Audience member:You stink!

Rainier Wolfcastle:Vell, hello there. I am Voodee Allen. My childhood vas full of neuroses and my films are about death and stuff.

Audience member:Boo! Get off the stage!

Audience member:That's offensive!

Rainier Wolfcastle:I'm making a ridiculously expensive minimalist film. It's just a single red dot on a white screen for 90 minutes.

Producer:But Mr. Wolfcastle, that's not a film, that's a canvas.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Exactly! And it'll cost 80 million dollars.

Jay Sherman:But isn't there a moral question about making terrible expensive movies?

Rainier Wolfcastle:moral question? I'm making $20 million a picture.

Homer:My ears are burning.

Marge:Homer, that's because you set a Q-tip on fire in your ear.

Homer:Marge, what's this thing on my back? Is it a pimple or a boil?

Marge:Homer, I'm trying to write a letter.

Homer:Well?

Marge:I don't know. A boil, I guess.

Homer:Could you scratch it for me?

Marge:Homer!

Rainier Wolfcastle:You gave me a one-star review? That's the lowest rating possible!

Jay Sherman:Well, it was a terrible movie.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Terrible?! I'll show you terrible!

Rainier Wolfcastle:McBain doesn't take criticism lightly!

Jay Sherman:McBain, you have to listen to me!

Rainier Wolfcastle:I am listening. I'm examining the situation very carefully.

Jay Sherman:No, you're just looking at things!

Rainier Wolfcastle:Yes. That's what examining means.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Those are shoes.

Jay Sherman:Her hair is visible from aircraft altitude.

Jay Sherman:Oh, what fresh hell is this? The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons? This is what passes for entertainment in the animation industry? They've literally just spliced two shows together with no regard for narrative coherence or artistic integrity. It's a cynical cash grab that insults the intelligence of every viewer. This is why the medium is dying — not because of competition from live-action, but because of lazy, soulless dreck like this masquerading as content.

Bart Simpson:Kids should watch your show!

Jay Sherman:Kids? Oh no! No, no, no! My show is not for children. It's a serious look at cinema for adults with refined tastes and disposable income.

Advisor:Sir, the people see you as an ogre.

Mr. Burns:An ogre? Smithers, release the hounds!

Mr. Burns:I want a film biography made about me. I'll spare no expense.

Homer:That's great, Mr. Burns! Who should play you?

Mr. Burns:I'm thinking someone like Al Pacino. Or perhaps De Niro. Someone who can capture my dangerous side, my criminal past.

Homer:Criminal past? What criminal past?

Mr. Burns:Well, I've done some things that weren't entirely legal. But that's what would make the film compelling. Compare me to the great villains of cinema.

Smithers:Sir, perhaps we should focus on your business accomplishments and philanthropic work?

Mr. Burns:Nonsense, Smithers! I want it to be like Working Girl, but with more crime and less Melanie Griffith.

Mr. Burns:Spielberg won't return my calls. But I have an idea - I'll make my own blockbuster film right here at the plant. I'll call it 'Citizen Kane 2: The Reckoning.'

Smithers:Sir, that's already been made.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense, Smithers. And I'll staff it entirely with my workers - no salary increase, of course. In fact, they should be grateful for the exposure. I'll have them work eighteen-hour days on the set. If anyone complains, they're fired.

Smithers:But sir, that's exploitative.

Mr. Burns:Exploitative? Smithers, that's just good business. Now get me Spielberg's home phone number. I want to tell him how I've revolutionized cinema - and worker treatment.

Mr. Burns:I want you to reshoot this scene. And get me Señor Spielbergo!

Mr. Burns:You know, I'm something of a Schindler myself. I've saved countless lives.

Homer:Really?

Mr. Burns:Yes. I'm very careful about maintaining my workforce. Why, I've only killed... I mean, lost a few employees.

Homer:Wow!

Mr. Burns:Of course, unlike Schindler, I helped the Nazis. Made a fortune off them, in fact.

Jay Sherman:I don't carry awards around with me.

Jay Sherman:I have a Peabody, two Golden Globes, an Emmy, a Pulitzer Prize nomination, and a certificate of merit from the Broadcast Pioneers of America.

Jay:I've won numerous prestigious awards throughout my career.

Homer:Well, I once won a donut eating contest. I threw up for three days straight.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Jay Sherman:Remarkable! You know, I've only known one other person who could belch like that.

Jay Sherman:An elderly woman... a novelist. Her name was Erica Jong.

Jay Sherman:You know, I was at a party last night with Steven Spielberg, and I said to him, 'Steven, I have a question about the nature of cinema.' He said, 'What?' I said, 'Well, if a film is truly art, shouldn't it transcend commercial concerns?' And Steven looked at me and said, 'Jay, that's very deep.' So I said, 'Thanks, but here's the thing—I think you're confusing depth with pretension.' He didn't laugh. You know why? Because it's funny!

Homer:I'm just as smart as Jay. I can do wordplay too!

Jay:Oh really? Go ahead then.

Homer:Okay... uh... Why did the president go to the bathroom? Because he had to take a... uh... executive order!

Jay:That doesn't even make sense.

Homer:Neither does your face!

Homer Simpson:Who's gay in Hollywood?

Jay Sherman:Obviously [well-known gay actor]. That's the safe, boring answer.

Homer:Wait, wait. I thought Liberace was an action hero.

Patty:MacGyver? That Australian?

Selma:He's not Australian, you idiot!

Patty:Well, he sounds Australian.

Selma:He's the greatest man who ever lived and you will not disrespect him in our presence!

Marge:I respect your intelligence, Homer.

Homer:Wait... did you just say that right after I did something stupid?

Homer:Marge, do you love me?

Marge:Of course, Homer.

Homer:Would you lie to me?

Marge:No, never.

Homer:So if I asked you if that dress makes me look fat, you'd tell me the truth?

Marge:Absolutely.

Homer:Well?

Marge:Homer, you look... fine.

Homer:You're just humoring me, aren't you?

Homer:Oh, they have a jingle. Oh yeah, I know it well. I love it so. I love the Holy Mackerel. Wait, no. Aisle 8. No. What am I on about? Oh yes. A hot dog, arm and a leg. No. A hot dog, a leg up. No wait. How about a hot dog between two lovely buns so nice and *smiles* small. I got it. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. Now is the time we cjubilate. Cause Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. My Darlene's with Sparky now. Well yes, you are going to see a lot of weird stuff, but don't be scared. Cause little Timmy is here to fill your heart with cheer. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog.

Homer:Marge, you're out. This guy knows the Oscar Mayer jingle.

Homer:Marge, why won't you talk to me? I miss you so much.

Jay Sherman:Homer, you're talking to a lock of hair. You need to let her go.

Homer:You don't understand, Jay. This hair still has her smell.

Jay Sherman:That's not healthy, Homer. That's obsession.

Mr. Burns:No, no, no! You're all terrible! I am the only one who can truly capture my essence, my magnetism, my raw animal magnetism!

Mr. Burns:I shall play myself. It's the only way to ensure perfection.

Apu:Chief Wiggum! There has been a robbery at the Kwik-E-Mart!

Chief Wiggum:Sorry Apu, I'm too busy right now. We're never gonna find those guys.

Moe:♪ You drink and you drink, but you never get full, Your liver's the size of a medicine ball, You wake in the morning with a pain in your head, You shuffle to Moe's for another shot instead, It's a drinking man's economy, baby! ♪

Homer:That's the best dang football game I ever saw!

Jay Sherman:Slapstick? That's the lowest form of comedy.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I find the male groin to be the very nexus of comedy and tragedy.

Barney Gumble:I'm an alcoholic.

Barney Gumble:To drink or not to drink... that is not a question.

Girl Scout:What happened to your voice?

Barney:Oh, this? I've been screaming for three days straight.

Girl Scout:Why?

Barney:I'm not sure anymore.

Girl Scout:Um, I think you have the wrong meeting. This is Girl Scouts.

Barney:Oh, I know. I'm here for the intervention.

Barney Gumble:I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Director:Mr. Burns, I've worked with hundreds of actors, and I've never seen anything like your performance.

Mr. Burns:Well, thank you.

Director:No, I mean I've never seen anything like it. And I've been making movies for 40 years.

Mr. Burns:So you're saying I'm a natural?

Director:I'm saying I've failed as a director 40 times now.

Mr. Burns:What's that sound, Smithers? The crowd seems agitated.

Smithers:I believe they're saying 'Boo-urns,' sir. They're cheering for you!

Mr. Burns:Who's booing me? Don't you know who I am?

Hans Moleman:I do! You're the guy who fired me!

Mr. Burns:You're fired again!

Smithers:Actually sir, I think they were booing your explanation.

Hans Moleman:Yeah, that's it!

Jay Sherman:I have a date with Eudora Welty.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, bribing the judges paid off handsomely. Why, just last week I bribed the judges at the Miss Springfield pageant.

Mayor Quimby:Well, let's just say Mr. Burns made a small donation to my campaign. A very small donation. Actually, it was enormous.

Mayor Quimby:I accept this bribe— I mean, this lovely fruit basket from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant!

Mayor Quimby:Wait, did I say bribe out loud?

Homer:I'd vote for that guy, but I'd also vote against him. So my vote cancels out and I don't have to vote.

Homer:Wait, that means I DO have to vote. But if I vote, then I'd be voting, which means I'd have to think about it.

Homer:My brain hurts.

Homer:Let's see... 'Kiddie Korner'... no kids. 'Violator'... I'm not in the mood to be violated. 'Suck Punch'... hmm, could go either way.

Barney Gumble:I'm done drinking! I'm gonna turn my life around!

Duffman:Hey there, buddy! Can I interest you in an ice-cold Duff?

Barney Gumble:Well... okay, just one.

Homer:You know, I learned a lot from my time on that jury. I realized I'm not just some guy who sits around all day — I'm a cricket of society.

Marge:Barney, you won the film festival! What's your prize?

Barney:A lifetime supply of beer!

Marge:That's wonderful! You can finally turn your life around.

Barney:Actually, I want them to hook it up intravenously.

Barney Gumble:Intravenous beer delivery? Now that's thinking outside the box!

Homer Simpson:Why didn't I think of that?

Barney Gumble:Because you're not a genius like me, Homer.

Homer:Behold! A crudités platter with an exquisite brie de... bree... a fancy cheese ball!

Homer:And this magnificent device is a crudités... cruh-deets... wait, no, a cruditays server, if you will.

Homer:See? We're not dumb. We can appreciate fine things.

Jay Sherman:Why, this is a remarkable beverage! The bouquet, the finish... exquisite!

Homer:It's a can that sprays nuts in your face.

Jay Sherman:What?! Oh no!

Mr. Burns:Ah, the Academy Awards. A celebration of the arts... and an excellent opportunity to launder money through the film industry.

Oscar presenter:And the Oscar goes to... a prestigious actor in lowbrow slapstick!