Bart Star

Homer:D'oh!

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, your cholesterol is dangerously high. We need to make some serious dietary changes.

Homer:Doc, what do you mean? I feel fine!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, that's the problem. But I'm more concerned about your gravy levels.

Homer:My gravy levels?

Dr. Hibbert:Yes. They're critically low. I'm recommending you double your gravy intake immediately.

Doctor:You need to drink more water.

Homer:Water? Did you say gravy?

Doctor:No, water.

Homer:Mmmm... gravy.

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, gravy is not a food group.

Homer:Well, maybe in your medical opinion, doc. But I've been eating it for forty years, and I'm doing just fine.

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, you're clinically obese and have high cholesterol.

Homer:That's not from the gravy! That's... that's genetics or something. My dad was like this too.

Doctor:Raise your hand when you hear the tone.

Homer:I'm not falling for that. I know what you're doing.

Barney:What? It's just a hearing test.

Homer:No way. I'm staying right here with my hands down.

Homer:AHHHHHHH!

Barney:AHHHHHHH!

Instructor:First aid doesn't mean the first concert by a musician named Aid.

Instructor:It's not Live Aid, Farm Aid, or Comic Relief.

Barney:Serious injuries? That's hilarious! I've had more serious injuries than a crash test dummy at a demolition derby!

Bart:Mom, I stepped in a bear trap!

Marge:Did you try putting some ice on it?

Homer:You know, Mr. Wolfcastle, you're a really great actor.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Oh yeah? Well you're a fat slob who can barely fit through a doorway.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Now drop and give me fifty!

Rainier Wolfcastle:Come on, stretch it out!

Rainier Wolfcastle:You're almost as flexible as my fat mama!

Homer Simpson:Your mama's fat?

Rainier Wolfcastle:No, but you are!

Homer:Why is everyone staring at me?

Bart:Dad, your pants ripped.

Homer:Oh geez! At least I'm wearing underwear... wait, these are yours!

Bart:Those are Radioactive Man underwear, Dad!

Homer:D'oh!

Nelson:Tubby, tubby, tubby!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Insult. Ever. Body-shaming is a social construct designed to make people feel inadequate about their appearance.

Homer:Yeah, well at least I'm not as fat as my son.

Bart:Dad, I'm worried about getting a concussion from playing football.

Homer:A concussion? That's the best part! You won't remember losing!

Ned Flanders:Well, boys, team sports teach valuable lessons about cooperation, discipline, and staying out of trouble.

Rod Flanders:You mean we won't have to think about girls?

Todd Flanders:Or rock and roll music?

Rod Flanders:Gosh, Dad, sign us up!

Todd Flanders:Yeah!

Milhouse:I don't want to exercise. Is there a surgical solution?

Doctor:Well, we could do liposuction, but it's very expensive and painful.

Milhouse:But easier than jogging, right?

Homer:I need something to protect my sensitive area.

Store Clerk:Sunscreen?

Homer:No, lower.

Store Clerk:Foot powder?

Homer:Lower!

Store Clerk:Jock itch cream?

Homer:LOWER!

Store Clerk:Oh! A cup!

Homer:C... U... P...

Store Clerk:Hey! There's no need for that kind of language in here!

Bart:Alright, Milhouse, let's test this protective cup.

Milhouse:Okay, Bart!

Bart:Here goes nothing!

Milhouse:Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, it's working!

Ned Flanders:Ralph, that's a basketball, not a football!

Ralph Wiggum:Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Ned Flanders:Ralph, I'm putting you on special teams.

Ralph Wiggum:Me on special teams? But I'm not special, I'm retarded.

Martin Prince:Be careful during contact, Simpson. I have a very delicate cerebral cortex.

Bart Simpson:You mean your brain?

Martin Prince:Yes, but I prefer to call it my 'thinking meat.'

Lisa:I can't support football. It's violence disguised as sport.

Homer:It's just a game, Lisa.

Lisa:Just a game? Dad, they're out there brutalizing each other for a pigskin ball — the actual skin of a dead animal, stretched and stitched together, its leather still warm from the slaughterhouse...

Lisa:I can't use a leather football. Think of all those poor cows.

Ned:Well, we have a synthetic ball made from recycled soda bottles collected by underprivileged children in Central America.

Lisa:But aren't those children being exploited?

Ned:Oh yes, horribly. We've included a pamphlet.

Team:Who are we gonna beat?

Kids:Ourselves!

Ned Flanders:Well, that's just sad.

Homer:Flanders is a terrible coach! He doesn't know what he's doing!

Marge:Homer, how can you say that? He's won every game this season.

Homer:Well, yeah, but he's still terrible!

Homer:Why, you... you... (stammers) That stupid hat! Yeah, that's it! Only an idiot would wear a hat like that!

Ned Flanders:But Homer, I've worn this hat for years.

Homer:Exactly my point, you hat-wearing moron!

Marge:Criticism is easy.

Homer:Yeah, but it's fun!

Ned Flanders:Come on, team! You can do it! Okilly-dokilly!

Nelson:Give me the football!

Nelson:And your lunch money!

Bart:Oops.

Barney:Hey, I know that feeling. They carry me out of Moe's like that all the time.

Homer:Yeah, hi. I don't have any unreasonable grudges.

Radio Host:Great, what's on your mind?

Homer:Yeah, I was wondering if you could ask Brett Favre why he didn't wave back at me at the grocery store that time.

Homer:Hey Ned, look over there!

Ned:What? Where?

Homer:Made you look!

Ned:Oh, for crying out loud.

Maude Flanders:Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Ned Flanders:(concerned) Are you sure about that, Maude?

Maude Flanders:Of course, Neddy. Words are just—

[gets hit by a thrown object]

Maude Flanders:...ow.

Lisa:Dad, you're being really mean to Mr. Flanders.

Homer:Mean? I'm not mean, I'm just... Oh, who am I kidding? Yeah, I'm mean to that guy. In fact, I'm the meanest—

Homer:Wait, is Flanders here?

Ned Flanders:Howdy-diddly-do, Homer!

Homer:Uh... I was just saying I'm the meanest... person to... Flanders... in my... dreams.

Homer:Your coaching is terrible! You wouldn't know a good play if it hit you in the face!

Ned Flanders:Well, Homer, I appreciate your candor. In fact, I'd like to offer you a job as my assistant coach.

Homer:What? But I just insulted you!

Ned Flanders:That's exactly why I need you. Honest feedback is hard to come by, and I respect a man who tells it like it is. Okily-dokily?

Lisa:But you just said you didn't want to be on the team!

Bart:I know what I said, man.

Lisa:So why are you here?

Bart:Because I stole your whistle and I want to see how mad you get.

Homer:Bart! What the hell did you do?!

Bart:What? I didn't do anything!

Homer:Don't lie to me, boy!

Bart:I'm not lying, man. What are you talking about?

Marge:Homer, you're putting too much pressure on Bart. Let him be a kid.

Homer:Marge, I'm not putting pressure on him. I'm just trying to live vicariously through my son so I can experience the life I never had.

Homer:Is that so wrong?

Abe Simpson:Don't do it, boy! You'll break your neck and I'll have to pay your medical bills!

Abe Simpson:And if you don't break your neck, you'll probably land on your face and embarrass the family!

Abe Simpson:Either way, you're gonna fail. You always do.

Abe Simpson:I should've known better than to expect anything from you. I blame myself for having any expectations.

Homer:I'm gonna break the cycle of bad parenting. From now on, I'm not gonna be cruel to Bart anymore.

Homer:Instead, I'll redirect that cruelty toward Lisa!

Bart:Wait, Dad's chasing me with hugs and encouragement? This has gotta be a trap.

Lisa:Wow, nepotism. How refreshingly transparent.

Homer:Bart gets no special treatment in this house.

Homer:Now son, I'm putting you in charge of the TV remote.

Homer:Alright team, everybody run some laps!

Homer:Hey, you're not on the team anymore. You can stop running.

Bart:When did you start having faith in me, Dad?

Homer:Well, son, I'd have to say it was right around the time your mother threatened to leave me if I didn't.

Homer:Hey Flanders! Not so quiet now, are ya? Come on, say something! 'Diddly-doodly'? 'Neighborino'? Nothing? You know, for a guy who never shuts up, you sure know how to take a loss.

Flanders:...

Homer:That's my boy! Using the ancient warrior technique of strategic retreating!

Homer:By running away, he's drawing them into a false sense of security. Genius!

Nelson:Ha-ha! You want a cheerleading letter? I'll give you a letter... it's called 'A' for 'ass-kicking'!

Homer:Give me an S!

Crowd member:S!

Homer:Give me a T!

Crowd member:T!

Homer:Give me a U!

Crowd member:U!

Homer:Give me a P!

Crowd member:P! And if you keep it up, we'll give you a D!

Homer:What's the D for?

Crowd member:You'll find out.

Martin Prince:Simpson, your academic performance is abysmal!

Bart Simpson:Yeah, well, at least I'm not a total nerd, Martin.

Martin Prince:You know what you are, Simpson? You're a ruiner! A complete and utter ruiner!

Bart Simpson:Did you just make that word up?

Martin Prince:That's irrelevant! The point is you ruin everything!

Nelson:I'm gonna kill you, Simpson!

Ralph:He's gonna kill you? That means he's gonna make you die.

Bart:Whoa! You're Joe Namath!

Joe Namath:That's right, kid.

Bart:Cool! Can I have your autograph?

Joe Namath:Sure thing.

Joe Namath:I'd be happy to give you some quarterback advice.

Joe Namath:But actually, I gotta get going. My car's been acting up.

Woman:But you just got here!

Joe Namath:Yeah, well, these things happen. See ya!

Lisa:Dad's been really disappointed lately. Maybe you should try to cheer him up.

Bart:Cheer him up? Lisa, I'm ten years old. I don't have the life experience to emotionally support an adult.

Lisa:Well, you could try lying to him.

Bart:Now you're talking!

Bart:Dad, I have bad news.

Homer:Oh God! Is it about me? Am I dying? Did I eat bad clams?

Bart:No, it's about—

Homer:Wait, wait. Is Marge pregnant again? Because I'm not going through that again!

Homer:Son, you mean everything to me. You're the light of my life, my reason for living.

Bart:Dad, you forgot my name until I was three.

Homer:That's not true! I just... needed time to remember it.

Homer:Come on, boy! Just try it one more time!

Bart:Dad, I've told you a thousand times - I don't want to!

Homer:But you liked it before!

Bart:No, I didn't! You liked it! I hate it! I've always hated it! Why can't you just accept that I'm not you?!

Homer:Son, I want you to know that I'm very proud of you for quitting the team.

Bart:But Dad, I thought you wanted me to play football.

Homer:Well, I did. But then I realized you were terrible, so I fired you myself. Yeah, that's right. I fired you before you could quit. So technically, you didn't quit. I fired you.

Homer:The doctor says I need an enema.

Bart:Dad, we're eating!

Marge:Homer, that's not appropriate dinner conversation.

Homer:What? It's a medical procedure.

Marge:I don't care if it's medical—we have standards in this house.

Homer:This is all your fault, Marge. Bart's a quitter because of you.

Marge:Me? Homer, you've quit more things than anyone I know.

Homer:That's different. I quit the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, I quit being a cop, I quit the Stonecutters, I quit my job at the donut factory, I quit—

Marge:Homer, you didn't quit half of those. You were fired or they made you leave.

Homer:Well, quitting, being fired... it's all the same thing when you think about it.

Homer:Mr. Burns? Yeah, I quit!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you can't just call me and quit like that.

Homer:Oh yeah? Watch me. I'm quitting right now to prove my point!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you're fired.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Homer, the person on the phone can't see you winking.

Homer:Oh... Well, I guess I quit my job for nothing then.

Homer:Let's celebrate at Hooters!

Bart:Dad, Mom already works there.

Apu:Sir, what you are describing is a lemonade.

Homer:Wait, you mean Ribwich isn't real? It doesn't actually exist?

Homer:Well, that's okay. I'll just make one myself!

Homer:How hard can it be? It's just ribs on a sandwich.

Homer:I'm sorry for being too encouraging. Let me be honest with you.

Homer:You're not smart enough to be a doctor, you'll never be attractive enough to be a model, and frankly, your personality is pretty grating.

Homer:But you know what? I think that's great!

Homer:Alright team, here's the final play strategy. First, we run in circles for no reason. Then we all jump up and down. Next, we spin around three times and yell 'spatula.' Finally, we trip over ourselves and hope someone scores.

Joe Namath:Hello, I'm Joe Namath. I'm here to talk to you about something very important.

Joe Namath:Son, there's something you need to remember for the rest of your life.

Bart:What is it, Mr. Namath?

Joe Namath:Always change your oil every three thousand miles.

Homer:Let's see... we're cutting the following jobs: animators, background painters, inkers, key framers, in-betweeners, clean-up crew, sound effects, music, editing...

Someone:Shh!

Homer:...and whoever just told me to be quiet.