The Two Mrs Nahasapeemapetilons

Kent Brockman:This just in: the Springfield Fire Department is holding a charity auction to raise money for a new fire engine. Apparently, their current engine is so old, they need to buy a new one just to get to fires—you know, their basic function.

Chief Wiggum:The fire department needs money for basic equipment like ladders and hoses.

Homer Simpson:Why stop there? You deserve a solid gold fire truck!

Lenny:Yeah, and a hot tub in the station!

Carl:And a personal masseuse for each firefighter.

Auctioneer:And now, a night out with our next eligible bachelor, a man of refined tastes and distinguished charm...

Auctioneer:Barney Gumble!

Barney:Woo-hoo!

Auctioneer:Do I hear five dollars? Anyone? Five dollars for a night with Krusty the Clown?

Auctioneer:Going once... going twice...

Auctioneer:Come on, people, he's a celebrity! Four dollars? Three?

Auctioneer:I've got nothing. Do I hear absolutely nothing?

Krusty:Do I hear any bids? No? Zilch? Nada? Not a peep? Nobody's got nothing?

Barney:Urrrrrp!

Auctioneer:Do I hear fifty dollars for a night with Krusty the Clown?

Krusty:Come on, folks! I've got all my original teeth! Well, most of 'em. Okay, some of 'em. Hey, I still have gums!

Sea Captain:I'm not much to look at, and I smell of fish and old money.

Krusty:So I says to the guy, 'You like strippers? Me too! We got something in common!' He says, 'Yeah, but I'm more into the artistic expression.' I say, 'Artistic? The only art I see is the art of taking my money!'

Moe:Why'd I have to volunteer for this stupid bachelor auction? Now I gotta stand up there in front of everybody while they judge me!

Moe:This is humiliating! I'm never doing anything nice again.

Apu:I have many hobbies. I enjoy arranging furniture. In fact, I have spent the last three weekends moving my couch to different positions in my living room.

Apu:First I placed it facing the television. Then I angled it toward the window for natural light. Then I moved it to the center of the room to create better traffic flow.

Apu:I have diagrams. I have measurements. I have consulted feng shui principles.

Kirk:Hey, that's my ex-wife! I still owe her money!

Kirk:But look at her go! She's really committed to winning that bachelor auction.

Auctioneer:Sold! To the gentleman in the back!

Krusty:Hey, hey! What'd I win?

Auctioneer:A night of passion with a beautiful woman.

Krusty:Eh, I've had worse. Actually, no I haven't.

Woman:Wow, you're an amazing shot!

Apu:Thank you. At the Kwik-E-Mart, we have extensive training in martial arts and weapons.

Woman:Really? For what purpose?

Apu:Well, you never know when you might need to protect the Squishee machine.

Marge:Well, that was a wonderful evening! Would you like to come in for some cocoa?

Homer:Cocoa? Why, I'd love to! But first, how about we do some folk dancing?

Marge:Folk dancing? Homer, it's nearly midnight!

Homer:So? Are you saying you can't handle a real man's folk dancing?

Homer:Apu, why do you hate lotus flowers so much?

Apu:Hate them? Homer, the lotus flower is a symbol of arranged marriage in my culture. It reminds me of my parents forcing me to marry Manjula!

Apu's Father:For my daughter's hand, I require a dowry of five goats and... a microwave.

Apu:A microwave? Father, that is not traditional.

Apu's Father:Times are changing, my son. The goats will pull the plow, but the microwave will heat the bread.

Manjula's father:You must add to the dowry. My daughter, she is not getting any younger!

Apu:How much more do you want?

Manjula's father:For her age anxiety, I throw in the Kwik-E-Mart!

Homer:Why don't you just raise your prices?

Apu:Oh, I could never do that. It would be unfair to my customers.

Homer:Even if it meant you could afford to give your employees a raise?

Apu:Well... how much of a raise are we talking about?

Apu:Mother, I cannot tell a lie to you.

Apu's Mother:That is good, my son.

Apu:Yes, and I have been very successful in business and I am very happy.

Apu:Yes, I have successfully lied to my mother. And I feel wonderful!

Apu:I prefer to keep my romantic life private.

Apu:Now, let me tell you about the time I made love to my wife on the hood of a car in the Kwik-E-Mart parking lot.

Apu:Mother is visiting from India. I told her I was the owner of the Kwik-E-Mart.

Marge:But you're just the manager, Apu.

Apu:Yes, well, now she thinks I'm wealthy and successful.

Homer:So what's the problem?

Apu:She wants to meet my wife. I told her I married a supermodel.

Apu:Now she's seen a picture and thinks we're moving to a mansion next week.

Apu:And I may have mentioned I'm running for mayor.

Apu:Oh no! My wife Manjula has left me! What will I do without her?

Homer:Have you tried not being a jerk?

Homer:I got it! I'll use my wife as a fake spouse!

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Shh, shh, shh! It's foolproof!

Apu:Homer, why do you do things this way?

Homer:Because it works for me.

Apu:But Homer, it does not work. You are the problem.

Homer:Yeah, I know.

Apu:We're leveraging our core competencies to synergize stakeholder value in the convenience retail space.

Apu:Our innovative paradigm shift will facilitate optimal customer engagement metrics and—

Apu:Wait, why am I saying these things? I'm panicking! I don't even know what synergize means! My store is failing! I'm going to lose everything!

Homer:Why did I choose the Yodel? Why?

Marge:Homer, we need to focus on what's happening right now.

Homer:But that chocolate cake... the creamy filling... *drools*

Homer:Marge, I need a small favor.

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:I need you to pretend to be married to another man.

Marge:What?!

Homer:Marge, can you make me a sandwich?

Marge:Homer, you have two hands.

Homer:Marge, I know this seems forced, but I'm really trying here.

Marge:Homer, you're reading from cue cards.

Homer:I know, but the director said it would look more authentic if I just read them naturally.

Marge:Well, I married out of my culture and I turned out fine.

Homer:Look, we've been married 30 years. People want to know our secret. So I've been making up stories about our fights.

Marge:Homer, why would you do that?

Homer:Because 'we just love each other' doesn't sell books, Marge. But 'I found her diary and she called me a knucklehead' — that's gold!

Marge:You never found my diary.

Homer:I know. I made that one up too. I also said you threw a shoe at me last Tuesday.

Marge:I did throw a shoe at you last Tuesday.

Homer:See? Pure luck. I'm a natural at this.

Marge:Oh, hello! It's so nice to meet you.

Homer:Yeah, you seem... well, actually, no. No, you don't.

Apu:My arranged marriage has a 96% success rate!

Homer:96%? That's the same as my success rate with diets.

Marge:Children, I'd like you to meet your new uncle.

Bart:We just met you five minutes ago.

Marge:Yes, well, try to remember him anyway.

Homer:I can't go home. I accidentally sat on Grampa and broke his hip. So I've been hiding here at Moe's.

Homer:Easter Island with those giant heads.

Barney:Easter Island? I thought that was a candy bar.

Grandpa Simpson:You're trying to put me in a home!

Homer Simpson:Dad, you're already in a home. You live here.

Homer:The name's... Monty Burns.

Grandpa:That's not even close to your real name!

Homer:I know, that's the point, old man.

Homer:Woo-hoo! Early bird special! I get to eat dinner at 4:30!

Homer:Wow, a wheelchair! I wish I had one of those.

Marge:Homer, you have legs.

Homer:Yeah, but look at all the cup holders!

Bart:Hey Apu, what's with the dot on your forehead?

Apu:It is a bindi, a sacred religious symbol worn by Hindus.

Bart:Cool! What does it do? Does it have any special features?

Apu:It is not a gadget, Bart. It is a mark of spirituality and tradition.

Bart:So... no laser vision or anything?

Bart:Yeah, yeah, I'm down with my Brahman heritage. But let's not actually learn anything about it.

Homer:Out of my way, slowpoke! This mashed potato bar doesn't wait for nobody!

Homer:Vroooom! Vroooom! I'm gonna get there first and— Oof!

Homer:Betcha can't drink just one!

Homer:Wow, a respirator! Now I can breathe without doing any work!

Homer:Sucker!

Homer:You know, I've been thinking. A nursing home is basically a five-star hotel where they make you take pills and remind you who your kids are.

Homer:I'm paying good money to have strangers tell me when to eat, when to sleep, and when to stop calling them by my ex-wife's name.

Homer:It's like a spa, except instead of cucumber water, it's prune juice, and instead of aromatherapy, it's the smell of Ben Gay and regret.

Apu:I have to confess something. I lied about my citizenship to get this job.

Homer:You lied? That's terrible! I'm very disappointed in you.

Apu:But Homer, you told me to do it!

Homer:I know what I said, but that doesn't make it right.

Homer:We could tie him to a rocket and launch him into space!

Apu:Homer, no.

Homer:Or we could feed him to a giant squid!

Apu:Homer, please stop.

Homer:What if we put him in a cannon and shoot him at the sun?

Apu:Homer!

Homer:Okay, okay... we could just hit him with a rock.

Lisa:Dad, you can't get married without a prenuptial agreement.

Homer:Prenuptial? Is that some kind of food?

Apu:Do you have anything for depression?

Moe:Sure, I got just the thing. How about a depressant? *slides a drink across the bar*

Apu:People can't fall in love sight unseen.

Barney:Well, my entire romantic future depends on that being a lie.

Apu:Oh no! The wedding is in three days! Let me calculate the costs... Two times seven equals... fifteen!

Apu:Wait, that can't be right. Four plus four equals... nine? No, ten!

Apu:This is terrible! I'm so panicked I can't even do basic arithmetic anymore!

Apu:You sold me a tiger! A TIGER! Do you know what I am going to do to you?

Apu:Actually, nothing. I hope we can still be friends.

Apu:Yes, hello, I would like to order the... Bengal tiger, please.

Airport worker:Will that be to stay or to go?

Apu:Has the whole world gone crazy?

Moe:No, no. Just India.

Reverend Lovejoy:I've got no idea what I'm doing, but thanks to the internet, I can fake my way through any religion!

Homer:Marge, can we get an elephant?

Marge:Homer, remember the last time you wanted an elephant?

Homer:No.

Marge:Exactly.

Homer:I am Ganesh! The remover of obstacles! And I'm about to remove you!

Manjula:Do you like movies?

Apu:Yes.

Manjula:Do you like books?

Apu:Yes.

Manjula:Do you like food?

Apu:Yes.

Manjula:I wonder if our marriage will work out.

Apu:Oh, don't worry. We can always get a divorce. That's the beauty of America!

Homer:These peanuts are for the elephant!

Homer:Well, I'm eating them!

Manjula:You must cook every meal, clean every room, and have my dinner ready at 6 PM sharp!

Apu:Oh no, this is terrible!

Manjula:I'm just kidding! I've seen American TV. I know how you expect your wives to act.