Marge Be Not Proud

Homer:D'oh!

Krusty:Hey hey! This Christmas, the Krusty the Clown Show is brought to you by Soylent Cola!

Announcer:Soylent Cola: made from 100% recycled humans.

Krusty:Mmmm, delicious and sustainable!

Bart:Krusty, I thought you were Jewish.

Krusty:I am, kid.

Bart:Then why are you hosting a Christmas show?

Krusty:Christmas unites all religions. We all come together to worship Jesus.

TV Commercial:Tired of boring games? Try Bonestorm - the game that'll make you say 'Eat my shorts!' Buy it now!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Bart:I'm going to hell!

Marge:Bart! We don't say 'hell' in this house. You say 'heck'.

Bart:But Mom, all those reasons are totally invalid because they don't affect me personally right now.

Homer:I know how you feel, boy. When I was your age, I wanted something so bad I could taste it.

Homer:So you know what I did? I worked hard, I stayed focused, and I never gave up.

Bart:Really? It worked?

Homer:You bet it did. I got myself a nice cold Duff beer.

Homer:Ahhhh!

Homer:See you later, boy.

Marge:Time for bed, Bart. First, we brush your teeth.

Bart:Mom, I'm ten years old. I can brush my own teeth.

Marge:Nonsense! Now we sing the alphabet song while we brush. A-B-C-D...

Bart:This is so lame. Can't I just go to bed?

Marge:Not until we read three bedtime stories, tuck you in, and I sing you a lullaby.

Bart:Ay caramba, Mom! I'm practically a teenager!

Bart:Tuck-in time is lame!

Marge:Oh Bart, tuck-in time is a very special time... a time for a mother to share a special time with her special boy at tuck-in time.

Marge:I guess I am lame.

Bart:Hey, don't put yourself down. Just because you're lame doesn't mean you have to act lame.

Marge:Life is like a box of chocolates...

Bart:No, Mom, please don't—

Marge:...you never know what you're gonna get.

Comic Book Guy:Ah yes, the price gouging of the American consumer. So you wish to purchase this $69.99 game for a mere 99 cents? Let me break down the economics for you, you financially illiterate buffoon. The store paid wholesale, roughly $35. Their overhead, rent, utilities, employee salaries - easily another $20 per unit. Marketing, distribution, shrink-wrap technology - $10 more. So when you buy at $29.99, they're making a pittance. But at 99 cents? That's not a sale, that's an insult to capitalism itself. In fact, the store would have to pay YOU 30 cents just to break even on this transaction. Worst. Deal. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:Oh, you see, sarcasm is the use of irony to mock or convey contempt, which clearly went over your barely-developed cerebral cortex.

Comic Book Guy:And I'm afraid I have some additional bad news: your mother called and said you're grounded, your comic books have been recalled due to a printing error, and worst of all, the new Superman movie has been delayed another six months.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Game. Ever.

Milhouse:Milhouse! M-I-L-H-O-U-S-E! Yeah!

Bart:Hey Milhouse, wanna play?

Milhouse:Can't, it's single player only.

Bart:Liar! I can see two controllers right there.

Milhouse:Okay fine, but you can't tell anyone I said the S-word!

Bart:The S-word? You mean—

Milhouse:Mom! Bart said a bad word!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm learneding!

Bart Simpson:Mom, I don't have Bonestorm. I have Bloodstorm, Deathstorm, and Zombie Nightmare, but I don't have Bonestorm.

Mother:I'm sorry, honey. I shouldn't have yelled at you.

Gavin:You better be sorry. Now make me a sandwich and don't put lettuce on it this time.

Jimbo:See, shoplifting is just like murder, man.

Jimbo:Except nobody dies and you get free stuff.

Luigi:Mamma mia, you gonna steal-a the candy? Why not? It's-a so easy! Just-a slip it in your pocket and nobody sees nothing! What's-a the harm? Life is short, my friend. You gotta enjoy the good things!

Dolph:It's not my fault I stole stuff. The stores make it too easy with their marketing and displays. They're basically asking for it.

Angel:Now Homer, stealing is wrong. You'll go to Hell!

Homer:Oh, an angel! Finally, some moral guidance.

Angel:But more importantly, your golf swing is all wrong. Keep your head down and follow through on your backswing.

Security Guard:Stop! You're under arrest for shoplifting!

Bart:I'm not shoplifting. I'm walking.

Woman:You call that parenting? My son would never behave like that.

Woman's Son:Mom, I'm going to go set fire to some ants.

Woman:Okay, honey!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Phrenology: A Science,' 'Pukahontas,' and 'Lead Paint: Delicious But Dangerous.'

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational videos as 'Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds' and 'Biker Madness!' But I'm not here to talk about traffic safety today. I'm here to tell you about the dangers of shoplifting.

Troy McClure:As part of my sentence, I mean, as part of my public service.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Shoplifting: A History.' Did you know that shoplifting originally referred to the literal lifting of shops? That's right, in the 1800s, merchants would compete by physically hoisting their entire storefronts to demonstrate superior strength and business acumen.

Troy McClure:Unfortunately, this practice led to numerous injuries and the collapse of Main Street. That's when someone had the bright idea to shrink the concept down to just taking merchandise. And that's the shoplifting we know today!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such ancient Phoenician shoplifting scenarios as 'The Larceny of Tyre' and 'Sidon with Intent to Steal.'

Detective Brodka:So you're telling me your dog ate your homework, your grandmother died, and you were abducted by aliens?

Bart:Yeah, that's right.

Detective Brodka:Kid, I'm gonna blow some smoke up your ass.

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!

Detective Brodka:Don't worry, it'll just take a second.

Detective Brodka:Listen here, you little punk. You better start talking, or I'm gonna break both your legs and feed you to the fishes!

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I understood every word you said until you started speaking Italian.

Bart:Oh man, my parents are gonna get a security message about this!

Bart:Wait, wait, wait... they're gonna know I changed my password, they're gonna know I deleted my search history, they're gonna know I...

Bart:Oh no. Oh no no no. I gotta change Maggie too!

Bart:Dad, Dad! We need to change the tape before Mom gets home!

Homer:Change the baby's diaper? But I just did that... I think.

Answering Machine:You've reached the Simpsons. Please leave a message after the tone.

Homer:Lisa, where are you? You said you'd be home by dinner!

Marge:Homer, why did you buy eggnog instead of milk?

Homer:Wake up, Marge! The government doesn't want you to know this, but eggnog is the only drink they can't control. That's why they push milk so hard. It's all part of their scheme to keep us docile and calcium-dependent!

Don Vittorio:If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll know.

Don Vittorio:I'll know... I'll know... I'll know...

Juvenile Hall Kid 1:A half-eaten baloney sandwich!

Juvenile Hall Kid 2:Mismatched socks!

Juvenile Hall Kid 3:A bottle of old ketchup!

Juvenile Hall Kid 4:A dead mouse!

Juvenile Hall Kid 5:A used bandage!

Juvenile Hall Kid 1:Hey, this is great! I got a foot!

Juvenile Hall Kid:Maybe there's something cool in the lost and found.

Juvenile Hall Kid:A used wig? Gross!

Marge:Bart, is that you?

Bart:No, I'm a completely different person.

Marge:You're wearing a fake mustache made of toilet paper.

Bart:So?

Marge:And those are clearly your shoes.

Bart:They're a very common brand.

Marge:Bart, I can see your name written on the back of your neck in marker.

Security Guard:Well, well, well. If it isn't Bart Simpson. I'd recognize that face anywhere, even if you're in a car.

Bart:Uh, yeah, hi...

Security Guard:Say, you wouldn't happen to know anything about catfish, would you?

Bart:I'm so tired, Mom. I don't think I can make it into the store.

Marge:Oh, my poor baby. Here, let me carry you.

Marge:Oh, Homer, look at this beautiful watch. It's only $20,000.

Homer:Twenty thousand dollars? Marge, I have a better idea. I'll get you something really special.

Marge:Really? What is it?

Homer:A six-pack of Duff beer and some pork chops. And if there's money left over, I'm getting myself a new bowling shirt.

Photographer:Come on, smile for the camera!

Photographer:Say cheese!

Baby:Waaah!

Photographer:How about this little squeaky toy?

Baby:Giggle giggle!

Photographer:Great! One more time...

Photographer:Oh no, the toy's deflating!

Photographer:*pathetic squeaking sound*

Photographer:Alright family, say cheese!

Bart:Cheese!

Security Guard:Whoa, whoa, whoa! We've got a damaged item here. Better mark him down 50%.

Detective Brodka:You see, the boy called theft the '11th Commandment'...

Detective Brodka:When it's actually one of the original ten.

Detective Brodka:Based on this trajectory, by age 16 he'll be stealing cars, by 18 large sums of money, by 20 he'll rob a bank...

Homer:My boy, a master criminal!

Detective Brodka:By 25 he'll move on to stealing the moon, by 30 he'll steal Jupiter, and by 35... well, by then he'll have stolen so much, there won't be anything left in the universe to steal.

Homer:Now Bart, I want to talk to you about morality. It's very important to do the right thing, even when no one's watching. Why, just the other day, I was talking to Captain... uh... the minister at church about this very subject.

Bart:Dad, that's Reverend Lovejoy.

Homer:That's what I said, Captain.

Homer:The Police Academy movies were educational. Nobody laughed except at Michael Winslow.

Homer:Nobody laughed at Police Academy.

Homer:Well, except for that guy... Michael Winslow!

Homer:Beep boop beep boop beep!

Lisa:Mom's emotional processing is like bathroom cleaning supplies. She absorbs the hurt, scrubs it away, and leaves everything sparkling clean on the surface.

Homer:Bart, you're grounded for a week.

Homer:Two weeks if you steal again.

Homer:Three weeks if you steal twice.

Homer:A month if you steal three times.

Homer:And if you steal four times, I'm selling you to the zoo.

Bart:Do you think your parents love you?

Milhouse:I dunno. But I know for a fact that piranha movies have been really good lately.

Bart:Man, this video game is getting boring.

Bart:I need something more exciting.

Bart:Wow! A stick! This is the greatest toy ever made!

Bart:Mom, can I ask you something?

Marge:Of course, honey. What is it?

Bart:Well, I was wondering if... could I maybe watch you do mom stuff sometime?

Marge:Mom stuff? Bart, I do that every day around you.

Bart:I know, but like, could I watch someone else's mom do it? Like Rod Flanders' mom or something?

Bart:Mrs. Van Houten, do you think I'm cool?

Mrs. Van Houten:No.

Bart:Oh. Well, do you think I'm smart?

Mrs. Van Houten:No.

Bart:Do you think I'm funny?

Mrs. Van Houten:No.

Bart:Well, do you at least think I exist?

Homer:Look at me, I'm a big, fat slob.

Marge:Homer, that's just a snowman.

Homer:I know.

Jimbo:Check it out, guys! I stole a bunch of stuff!

Dolph:What'd you get?

Jimbo:A box of dryer lint, three used batteries, and a half-eaten sandwich.

Kearney:Dude, that's not even theft. That's just... garbage.

Marge:Bart! What are you hiding behind your back?

Bart:Nothing, Mom!

Marge:I know that look. You've stolen something again, haven't you?

Bart:No, Mom, I swear! I got you something.

Bart:It's a gift. For you.

Marge:Oh, Bart!

Computer:You have selected Power Drive.

Computer:Now, try the hole.

Computer:You have selected a 3-wood.

Computer:Excellent shot.

Computer:You have selected Putting.

Computer:You have selected Tapered Shaft.

Computer:Stroke! Ball is in...front pocket.

Game Voice:You have selected the 7 iron.

Game Voice:May I suggest the 3 wood?

Homer Simpson:You shut up!

Game Announcer (Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge):You have selected... a nine iron. (ball flies wildly off screen) Woof!