Homers Barbershop Quartet

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Why you little...

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Announcer:Welcome to the Springfield Swap Meet, where dreams come to die.

Homer:I sold my dignity for three dollars.

Marge:Homer, that's a bargain.

Comic Book Guy:Ich bin ein Comic Book Guy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a swap meet to attend.

Vendor:Step right up! Get your delicious oysters! Waah-waah-waah-waah!

Vendor:Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do!

Vendor:Vitameatavegamin!

Bart:Wow, a holographic Moses! I'll trade you two Luthers for it.

Lisa:Bart, these are supposed to be inspiring spiritual guides, not collectibles.

Bart:Are you kidding? Look at the back - Saint Paul's got a .337 miracle average!

Bart:Check it out, man. Methuselah rookie card. Even though he's like a thousand years old.

Milhouse:Wow, that's awesome!

Bart:Yeah, and check out the back. It says 'Never attended school.'

Milhouse:That explains a lot.

Bart:Hey Milhouse, let's go learn something!

Milhouse:Yeah, that sounds great!

Bart:Wait... we're learning?

Milhouse:Oh man, let's get out of here!

Vendor:Yes, this is the original 1958 Malibu Stacy. Notice the realistic detachable thumb — a feature we had to remove after the lawsuits.

Skinner:Ah, my old military uniform. How it brings back memories.

Skinner:I wonder if it still fits... Oh my, it's a bit snug.

Skinner:Good heavens! What's happened to my voice?

Lou:You know, it's a small world after all.

Eddie:Yeah, I measured it once. It's about 24,901 miles around the equator.

Lisa:Dad, it's Stradivarius, not Stradivari-us.

Homer:Strad-i-var-i-us. What's the difference?

Lisa:The difference is the correct pronunciation.

Homer:Well, excuuuse me for not knowing some fancy Italian guy's name!

Vendor:Hey kid, you look cool. Want to buy some stuff?

Customer:No.

Record Store Owner:This is a rare novelty record from the 60s. It's about animals invading Earth.

Customer:Animals invading? Like what?

Record Store Owner:Well, there's 'Invasion of the Fuzzy Bunnies,' 'Attack of the Killer Squirrels,' 'The Marauding Hamsters'...

Customer:Wait, you're talking about these like they actually happened.

Record Store Owner:Of course they happened! Why else would they make records about them? You think we just made this stuff up for fun?

Bart:TV has ruined my memory.

Homer:What recording career?

Bart:See? It's working already.

Bart:Already forgotten what they're laughing about

Homer:Joe Piscopo? That guy's really maturing. He's really conquered Hollywood.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't need no fancy barbershop quartets. We just yelled at each other in four-part harmony!

Marge:Homer, you can't say 'twenty-three skidoo' anymore. Nobody talks like that.

Homer:But Marge, it's a perfectly cromulent expression!

Marge:No, Homer. It's outdated and silly.

Homer:Well, I'll be hornswoggled! Twenty-three skidoo!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:Sorry, Marge. You're the berries.

Homer:You see, back in the day, barbershops became popular because they were the only place a man could go to get away from his wife and listen to music without judgment.

Homer:And that music? 'Achy Breaky Heart.' It was like musical salvation for every guy with a mullet and a beer gut.

Apu's Father:That is my son, singing in the quartet!

Bystander:Which one?

Apu's Father:The Hindu!

Criminal:I'm gonna kill you after you finish that song.

Ned Flanders:Reverend, isn't 'Highway to Hell' a rather inappropriate hymn selection?

Reverend Lovejoy:What? Oh, well, that reminds me of the time the good Lord turned my water into wine. Twice. On the same Tuesday.

Ned Flanders:But Reverend—

Reverend Lovejoy:Miraculous! Now, where's that collection plate?

Agent:All except that police officer. Yuck! Too Village People. You'll have to replace him.

Chief Wiggum:Wait, where are you taking me?

Agent:We're relocating you to a new assignment.

Chief Wiggum:But... but I thought we had something special!

Agent:It's not you, it's the department.

Chief Wiggum:*pressed against car window, paws at glass* NOOOOO!

Agent:We need to shorten your name for our records.

Apu:But my name is part of my heritage!

Agent:From now on, you'll be known as... Pierre.

Apu:Pierre? But that is French!

Agent:Exactly. Much more professional.

Apu:Yes, I am deeply offended by this request. However, I will comply.

Auditioner:Thank you, thank you! I'll do my tap dancing routine!

Crowd:Boo! Get off the stage!

Auditioner:Wait, wait! I can't stop! My feet won't stop tapping!

Auditioner:Help me! I'm literally unable to stop performing!

Crowd:Boo!

Homer:Talk to the animals, listen to them talk...

Chief Wiggum:It's me, Homer! Chief Wiggum!

Homer:Chief Wiggum?! But you were so terrible!

Homer:Barney, you have the voice of an angel! You could be famous!

Barney:Really? You think so, Homie?

Homer:Absolutely! You should pursue this!

Barney:You know what? You're right. I'm gonna turn my life around starting now.

Homer:That's the spirit!

Barney:Burp! Ah, who am I kidding?

Homer:We should call ourselves 'The Homer Simpson Experience'

Skinner:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Barber:I like it!

Homer:See? The people have spoken.

Skinner:No. We need a name that's witty at first... but seems less funny each time you hear it. How about the Be Sharps?

Lisa:Dad, look what I got at the store!

Homer:Oh my God, Lisa! Where did you get a bong?!

Lisa:It's a vase, Dad.

Homer:A vase... sure it is. Mmm, bong.

Bart:Dad, I just sold my blood plasma for fifty bucks!

Homer:That's great, son! What are you gonna do with it?

Bart:I'm thinking of investing it in the stock market.

Homer:Stocks? That's for fancy people. Give it to me, I'll triple it.

Bart:Really?

Homer:Sure! I'll put it on a horse.

Bart:Dad, that's not investing, that's gambling!

Homer:Don't be stupid. I'm an excellent gambler. Remember Atlantic City?

Bart:We had to sell the car to get home.

Homer:Exactly! See? I got us there AND back. That's a win in my book.

Homer:A baby on board? That's a great idea for a song!

Homer:Baby on board, baby on board. What rhymes with board? ...Bored! Baby on board, baby on board, your baby makes me bored!

Homer:I can't wait to tell Marge about my success!

Agent:Well, first we need to teach you how to smile on cue, get you some spray tan, add some hair plugs, and fix that overbite.

Homer:But I thought you said I had the job!

Agent:You do. But nobody's going to buy anything from a guy who looks like you. We're going to tell people you're a Hispanic saxophonist named Ramon Sanchez.

Homer:Marge will understand. She always does.

Marge:I don't understand. I'm devastated.

Paul Harvey:And now you know the rest of the story.

Sea Captain:Arr, I didn't mean to harm ye, me tentacled friend! 'Twas merely a misunderstandin', it was. Har har har!

Homer:Has anyone seen Bart? I think I left him at the mall.

Marge:Homer, how could you lose our son?

Homer:Don't worry, he'll turn up. He always does.

Bart:Dad! Dad! I'm in the dryer!

Homer:Oh, there he is.

Reporter:Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, these allegations of selling expired food—how do you respond?

Apu:These charges are completely false! I would never sell expired products. I run the Kwik-E-Mart with the highest standards of integrity.

Barney:Yeah, that's why I'm always finding stuff in there from the Carter administration. Last week I bought what I thought was milk. It had teeth.

Reporter:Principal Skinner, you're known for your sense of humor.

Skinner:That's correct.

Reporter:Care to share a joke?

Skinner:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Reporter:That's... not very funny.

Skinner:I know.

Homer:This song is dedicated to a very special woman. A woman who's been there for me through thick and thin. A woman I love more than anything in the world.

Marge:Oh Homer!

Homer:My mother.

Marge:What?!

Crowd:Ohhhhh!

TV Host:Name the seven castaways from Gilligan's Island.

Chief Wiggum:The Skipper, the Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger, Mr. Howell, Mrs. Howell, and Gilligan.

TV Host:Correct! But we also would have accepted Chief Wiggum.

Homer:Oh man, are those pot brownies?

George Harrison:Actually, I'm George Harrison from The Beatles.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, that's nice. But seriously, are those pot brownies?

George Harrison:Do you like my music?

Homer:Your music? I dunno, what's your name?

George Harrison:George Harrison.

Homer:Never heard of ya!

Lisa:I'm competing in the Grammy Awards competition!

One-Hit Wonder Band Member:That's nice, but you should watch your back. We've been waiting a long time for our comeback.

Vendor:We switched to paper because the EPA said foam was bad for the ozone. I guess we're just letting natural selection run its course now.

Bart:Dad, did you know the Beatles once said they were more popular than Jesus?

Homer:More popular than Jesus? Why, I've done things that would make Jesus look like a boy scout.

Homer:Lisa, there's an iron law of show business: nobody stays on top forever.

Lisa:What about The Beatles?

Homer:Broken up.

Lisa:The Rolling Stones?

Homer:Washed up.

Lisa:Metallica?

Homer:Load and Reload were terrible.

Lisa:U2?

Homer:Bono's a pretentious bore.

Lisa:The Who?

Homer:Pete Townshend's deaf, dumb, and blind...wait, that's the song.

Skinner:Homer, that song was even worse than your last one.

Homer:Well, I was trying to write something romantic for Marge. It had to rhyme with 'she', so I ended up with 'tree'.

Skinner:That doesn't even make sense in context.

Homer:Yeah, well, I rhymed it anyway. 'Marge, you're as beautiful as a tree'.

Barney:This is my latest work. It's about the raw essence of human experience.

Japanese Artist:Interesting. What is your medium?

Barney:Belching.

Japanese Artist:Ah, yes. Very avant-garde.

Barney:*belches loudly*

Japanese Artist:Magnificent! A true master!

Barney:I'll have a... *adjusts imaginary monocle* ...a sparkling water with a whisper of elderflower and a single ice cube carved from a glacier that's older than civilization itself.

Moe:We got Bud Light.

Barney:...Okay, but can you make it *artisanal*?

Barney · Moe:I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Moe:Well, well, look who's back. Thought you'd given up drinkin'.

Barney:I did, Moe. But then I realized - what's the point of bein' sober if I gotta watch Homer's new pet chicken?

Moe:A chicken? What the hell are ya talkin' about?

Barney:Yeah, Homer found some bird and decided it was his best friend. Next thing I know, the chicken's sittin' on my barstool, drinkin' beer!

Moe:So Homer replaced you with a chicken?

Barney:Worse - the chicken's a better drinkin' buddy than I ever was.

Skinner:When they were last all together, it was for an embarrassing low-point variety show appearance.

Human Fly:I've been training for years to become a real superhero! Look at my costume - I made it from an old bathrobe and some flies I caught in a jar!

Homer:That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Human Fly:You don't understand! I have the powers of a human AND a fly!

Bart:So you can walk on walls and throw up on food?

Human Fly:Exactly! I'm a hero!

Homer:I'll take a paper, kid.

Newsboy:That'll be five bucks.

Homer:Five bucks?! That's highway robbery!

Newsboy:You want the paper or not, pal?

Homer:Fine, fine. So what's the headline?

Newsboy:Oh, there's no paper inside. I'm just out here collecting money for myself.

Homer:D'oh!

Barney:Yeah, well the Beatles did it first, and they didn't have to worry about noise complaints from Flanders!

Homer:I am the Walrus!

Barney:No you're not, you're Homer Simpson.