Customer

Customer · Moe:You'll get that punk someday, Moe. / Ah, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Customer · Store Owner:Homer Simpson went on a diet. -Oh, my God! And I just bought a boat!

Customer:I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase

Customer:Kiss me-- I'm left-handed

Customer:Hey, this drink is delicious and my phlegm feels looser.

Customer:Hey, what's this? A sneeze guard. Wow, it really works!

Customer:It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

Customer:I got hooked on this in the service.

Customer:Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith!

Customer:This taco is full of hair

Apu · Customer:Poor Mr. Homer. Could it be that my snack treats... are responsible for his wretched health? Gimme some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that? Oh, what the hell. Sure.

Moe · Customer:You'll be back! And so will you... and you... and you. / Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.

Vendor · Customer:Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool. I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Customer · Apu · Moe · Barney:How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Customer · Apu:Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of... heady goodness.

Customer · Apu:I need one 29-cent stamp. - That's $1.85.

Customer · Apu:I want $2.00 worth of gas, please. - $4.20.

James Woods · Customer:Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? - Actually, I thought it was a little labored.

Customer · James Woods:You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man. - I'm me? - Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.

Customer:Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl.

Customer:Nah, nah, nah. You got it wrong, 'Pu. She's blue 56.

Customer:Well, I can't pump it myself. I'm calling Triple 'A.'

Marge · Customer:These shirts are 100% cotton. And look at the fine stitching on 'Dope.' - I'll take two.

Customer:Uh, let's see. I'll have one, uh- [Mutters] Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel.

Customer:Wow! Check out that van. It looks like it doesn't even need our business!

Customer:But I don't want to!

Man · Customer:Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! It said I was gay!

Customer · Apu:Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! [Chuckles] Hey, you know who would love this? Men.

Customer · Employee:So, you say this product is known as 'fudge'? / Yes. Just like it was last week / If you're gonna get snippy, I'll take my business elsewhere

Customer · Moe:Hey, Moe! Can I pay with a drawing? Yeah. Nice try there, twelve step.

Theater worker · Customer:You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either. Touché.

Vendor · Customer:Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? They're very- Does it have tomacco in it? No, but I use only the- Pass!

Customer · Diet book author:And you lose weight? - Uh, you might. It's a free country.

Customer:The customer's always right. That's what everybody likes about us. Now, mush!

Customer:What are you, the possible police? Just do it.

Customer:Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day.

Bag Boy · Customer:Bag boys have feelings too, you know. - No, you don't.

Church worker · Customer:Unitarian ice cream - There's nothing here. - Exactly.

Homer · Customer:Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers! I'll take one. Okay. You pick one out and I'll punch it to death.

Customer · Apu · Customer:I'll take one, Achu. / No, not 'chu,' 'pu.' / I got troubles with both.

Moe · Customer:This bar's only for real americans. And people on permanent visas, like me. What? What are you all looking at? I'm dutch.

Customer · Bart:Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes? / Sorry. / Well, what do you got him peeing on?

Customer · Moe:Hey, Moe, one might have to drink? Shut up and pass me to other heads of Moe.

Jazz musician · Customer:What it is, hepcats? You want me to scat-sing the menu? Absolutely not. Oh, God bless you, sir.

Homer · Customer:Sorry, I'm all out of ice cream. Already? It's only 38 seconds to 3:00.

Customer · Moe:You call this a drink? No, I never called it a drink.

Customer:I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.

Customer · Patrick:We need something tasty and tasteless. I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker: freshly-frosted ass cake.

Customer:Grandma, a lot has happened. I went to a condo presentation. I put down my deposit. But then they lost funding mid-project. That crane just sits there every day, rusting.

Edna Krabappel · Customer:What did he want? Beats me. I just gave him a banana.

Customer · Nelson:My Wizard of Oz bike fell apart in the middle of the Pride parade! What kind of pride? Never you mind what kind!

Customer:A homeless man is giving himself a sink bath!

Moe · Customer:So, you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world than the ugliest broad? Absolutely. But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics?

Customer · Waiter:Hey, waiter, there's no fly in my soup. Sorry.

Comic Book Guy · Customer:Um, the speed of light, expressed in dollars. Just give him Faraday's Constant.

Customer · Apu · Apu:Uh, do you have Life of Pi? / No, but I have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog. / People who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie.

Customer · Homer:Where do the people sit? / I thought they were just gonna watch me.

Comic Book Guy · Customer:I wish someone would have come from the future, and warned me not to talk to you. That's my idea! You're stealing my idea!

Customer:Really glad we're getting a baby with a face. Thank you.

Bart · Customer:Haw...! No haw-haw! It worked!