The Springfield Files

Leonard Nimoy:This is a true story of an alien encounter.

Leonard Nimoy:Or is it?

Leonard Nimoy:No, it is.

Homer:So there's this bus, right? And there's a bomb on it, and if the bus slows down below 50 miles per hour, the bomb goes off. So they gotta keep it going fast the whole time.

Homer:It's called 'A Bus That Had to Keep Going or It Would Blow Up.'

Homer:I need a day off to drink. I know! I'll set up old footage of me working on a loop so Mr. Burns won't notice I'm gone.

Homer:This is foolproof! By the time he figures it out, I'll be three sheets to the wind at Moe's.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, what are you doing this Friday night? I hope you'll be gay!

Smithers:G-gay, sir?

Mr. Burns:Yes, gay! Happy! Don't you know what gay means?

Smithers:Oh! Oh yes, sir. Happy. I'll be very happy.

Mr. Burns:Good. I'm taking you to the Boyz II Men concert.

Grandpa Simpson:Today's a great day! I'm celebrating my birthday!

Homer:Dad, your birthday was three months ago.

Grandpa Simpson:Well, I feel fantastic! Must be this new medication the doctor gave me.

Marge:What kind of medication, Dad?

Grandpa Simpson:I don't know, but the bottle says 'Take one daily.' So I took thirty!

Arcade Worker:I'm sorry, nobody likes you anymore.

Homer:D'oh! Ooh! Ah! Hoo-hoo! Yes! Come on, you bucket of bolts!

Homer:Forty quarters! That's ten dollars!

Arcade Machine:Insert 40 more quarters.

Homer:D'oh!

Lisa:Friday is just an arbitrary social construct with no real meaning. It's merely a human invention to organize our perception of time.

Lisa:But if you really think about it, Friday only matters because of television scheduling. Networks decide what gets aired, and that dictates our entire culture.

Lisa:CBS's Friday night programming is nothing but a crap-o-rama of mindless drivel designed to keep the masses sedated.

Moe:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a new imported beer from the exotic land of... Düff!

Homer:Düff? That sounds fancy!

Moe:You bet it is. It's brewed in the mountains of... uh... Duffland.

Homer:I'll take a case!

Moe:Alright, alright, I'll level with ya. It's just regular Duff with an umlaut over the 'u'.

Homer:Mmm... notes of... wheat, hops, and... what is this? There's something else here. A certain... je ne sais quoi.

Barney:That's dog, Homer. You're drinking dog.

Homer:Dog? Why didn't you say so? Mmm, dog beer!

Homer:I'm going to be a responsible father and spend quality time with my kids.

Homer:1 AM is the perfect time!

Police Officer:You're way over the limit. You're not driving anywhere.

Homer:That's okay, I'll just walk.

Grandpa Simpson:Help me, I'm lost!

Homer Simpson:Sorry, Dad, I can't help you right now.

Marge:Homer, have you been drinking?

Homer:No! I haven't had a single drop... well, maybe just a Duff or two.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:Okay, okay, a six-pack. But that's it!

Homer:It was horrible, Marge. They did things to me... unspeakable things. I can never be the same.

Marge:Oh Homer, you'll feel better after some of my breakfast sausage.

Homer:Marge!

Lisa:According to the FBI, the average alien witness is a white male, age 40 to 50, with a high school education and poor social skills.

Lisa:The statistical probability of such a person actually encountering an alien is approximately one in a billion.

Lisa:Oh my God... Dad!

Homer:Why does everyone always forget my birthday? I slave away at that nuclear plant, come home, and what do I get? A prank from my own son in some ridiculous alien costume!

Homer:Nobody cares about Homer Simpson. Not my wife, not my kids, not even Lenny and Carl would remember if it wasn't for free donuts.

Homer:I'm pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

Homer:You know, I share my birthday with Santa's Little Helper.

Marge:Oh, that's nice, Homer.

Homer:Yeah, so when Santa's Little Helper's birthday comes around, we're gonna throw him a big party.

Bart:Cool!

Lisa:That's great, Santa's Little Helper.

Homer:Wait a minute... nobody remembered MY birthday.

Marge:Oh my God, it's Santa's Little Helper's birthday!

Lisa:We have to celebrate! He's part of the family!

Bart:Yeah! Let's get him a cake and presents!

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. Today's my birthday too.

Marge:That's nice, Homer.

Homer:Nice? It's the same day as the dog's! We could celebrate together!

Lisa:But Dad, Santa's Little Helper is so special!

Bart:He's a good boy!

Homer:I'm a good boy! Aren't I? Aren't I?

Marge:Of course, Homer. Now come on, kids, let's make a birthday cake for the dog!

Homer:What about my cake?

Family:Woof!

Homer:They took me up into the ship, and started doing things to me. Horrible things. They put this long, cold thing inside me. Over and over again. I was begging them to stop, but they wouldn't listen!

Marge:Homer, that's your yearly physical!

Homer:Oh. Well, that explains the cookies they gave me at the end.

Homer:The alien had this weird voice, kept saying 'Did I do that?' and showed up every Tuesday at 3 PM like clockwork.

Homer:I'm telling you, it was just like Steve Urkel!

Police Chief Wiggum:Calls him jackass, then mimes typing on invisible typewriter

Arsonist:Chief, I've been setting fires all over town. I've burned down the school, the hospital, the retirement home...

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, yeah, and I suppose you're gonna tell me you also ate all the donuts in the evidence locker.

Marge:Oh my God, the FBI! Um, yes, I took a pen from the bank in 1987. And I used the grocery store scale without buying anything. I also once kept a library book for... for three weeks overdue!

Homer:I have never been unfaithful to Marge.

Examiner:That's a lie.

Homer:What?! No it isn't!

Examiner:The machine says otherwise.

Homer:Well your machine is wrong!

Examiner:Homer, the machine is never wrong.

Mulder:This lie detector test seems highly irregular.

Scully:It's not real. We just tell Homer it is so he'll lose weight.

Mulder:Why would that work?

Scully:He thinks the machine can detect lies. So he tries to stay calm and composed.

Mulder:And does he lose weight?

Scully:No. But watching him jiggle when he gets nervous is hilarious.

Mulder:Ha. Yes.

Homer:I've been taking advanced courses at the community college. Tonight I'm attending a lecture on 19th-century French philosophy.

Agent:Is that so? And what exactly were you doing last Tuesday evening?

Homer:Well, I... I was at the ballet. Yes, the ballet.

Agent:Mr. Simpson, we have evidence that contradicts your story.

Homer:Okay, okay, you got me. I was home eating mustard packets straight from the condiment drawer.

Barney:Hey there, gorgeous. If you were a door, I'd slam you all night long. And if you were a window, I'd... I'd look through you. Real slow-like.

Homer:I'm sorry about Barney. He's usually not like this.

Homer:Please, don't tell Marge about this. She means everything to me. I really do love her.

FBI Agent:We're with the FBI.

Homer:Oh no! Does this mean I have to return Flipper to Sea World?

FBI Agent:What? No, we just need to ask you some questions.

Homer:Oh, thank God. Because I've grown very attached to that dolphin.

Barney:You know, it's funny... all these different colors of M&Ms, red, green, blue... but when you digest 'em, they're all the same color.

Grampa Simpson:Those dang turtles stole my teeth again! And this time they got my denture adhesive too!

Mulder:This is consistent with a flesh-eating virus.

Scully:Mulder, it was just an old man's dentures.

Mulder:The truth is out there, hidden among the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia and the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries.

Sea World Worker 1:Come on, heave! One more time!

Sea World Worker 2:I got it, I got it...

Sea World Worker 1:What is this thing anyway?

Sea World Worker 2:I don't know, it's huge!

Sea World Worker 1:Wait... oh no...

Sea World Worker 2:What? WHAT?!

Sea World Worker 1:It's a whale.

Sea World Worker 2:A whale?! We're gonna lose our jobs!

Sea World Worker 1:The feds are gonna shut us down!

Sea World Worker 2:Quick, hide it before anyone sees!

Marge:Homer, I don't believe you.

Homer:You said you'd make me an omelet!

Marge:I said no such thing.

Homer:But you said 'omelet'...

Marge:I said you're a complete idiot.

Homer:Mmm... complete idiot omelet.

Homer:I'm like a space pioneer, boldly going where no man has gone before.

Marge:Homer, that's from Star Trek.

Homer:No, I'm thinking of Rocky. You know, Apollo Creed?

Homer:I'm not sharing this bed unless you want romance.

Marge:No.

Homer:Deal!

Homer:Bart, I want you to stop swearing.

Bart:Okay, Dad. I won't say any more f***ing bad words.

Homer:We could sell fake footage to Fox!

Bart:But Dad, Fox is a respectable news organization.

Homer:You're right, you're right. Fox would never air fake footage.

Homer:I'm so proud we're selling it to them!

Homer:Fox has the highest quality programming on television.

Homer:Just kidding, I was being sarcastic.

Homer:B

Bart:U

Homer:D

Bart:W

Homer:E

Bart:I

Homer:S

Bart:E

Homer:R

Homer:Coors

Homer:So there I was, walking through the woods at midnight, when suddenly I heard this terrifying sound...

Homer:A voice whispered, 'Your child's college tuition will cost $200,000.'

Homer:And the interest rates keep compounding every semester!

Marge:AHHHHH!

Bart:NOOOOO!

Lisa:This is genuinely terrifying!

Alien:Greetings, Mr. Burns. We have returned.

Producer:We have forty-five seconds of airtime to fill.

Leonard Nimoy:How long can you hold your breath?

Producer:He's gone.

Coma patient:What happened to Sonny and Cher?

Doctor:Well, they split up years ago. Sonny went into politics and became a congressman. Cher became a solo artist and actress.

Coma patient:Put me back in the coma.

Kent Brockman:We've just received footage of what appears to be an alien spacecraft. The man who captured this remarkable video is Homer Simpson, a local nuclear plant worker. Mr. Simpson also made headlines three years ago when he was found naked, hugging a lamppost at 3 AM, singing sea shanties.

Kent Brockman:We take you now to what appears to be footage of an alien spacecraft. Or as the video quality suggests, a close encounter of the turd kind.

Kent Brockman:We have some news to share with our viewers. Phil, you're fired.

Phil:What? But—

Kent Brockman:And frankly, Phil, I'm disappointed in your reaction. A professional would have handled that with more grace.

Dr. Hibbert:What element do you think aliens might be composed of?

Homer:Zilliphone!

Ralph:Why do we need a tiger?

Homer:That's a good point. Let's get one.

Reverend Lovejoy:And then this heavenly figure descended from above, radiating pure compassion and divine wisdom.

Reverend Lovejoy:Of course, I'm talking about E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

Reverend Lovejoy:What a picture. What a picture.

Vendor:Live long and prosper!

Leonard Nimoy:I shall.

Homer:Do you have any supportive shirts? You know, something that says 'I'm with stupid'?

Vendor:Yeah, we sold out of those in five minutes.

Marge:Well, at least the embroidery is very well done.

Customer:You know, you're right. That is quality craftsmanship.

Mr. Burns:I'm offering my love to all of humanity.

Homer:Even to me?

Mr. Burns:Yes, even to you.

Homer:Is it the kind of love that involves physical contact?

Crowd:An alien! It offers its love!

Crowd:Get it! Kill it!

Smithers:It's not an alien—it's Mr. Burns!

Crowd:Get him! Kill him! Destroy him!

Smithers:I've been by Mr. Burns' side through every medical procedure, every hospital stay, every moment of suffering and pain.

Smithers:And do you know what kept me going? Not the satisfaction of helping my boss recover... but knowing I'd finally get that raise he promised me.

Mr. Burns:You see, I glow because I'm radioactive. As for my... diminished virility, it's like a corrupt boxing official—everyone can see the fix is in, but nobody does anything about it.

Mr. Burns:You see, I'm going to destroy you all and take over the world with my evil plan to—

Doctor:Mr. Burns, you need to take your medication.

Mr. Burns:But I was in the middle of my diabolical monologue!

Leonard Nimoy:And so the Simpson family gazed up at the beautiful skis... skies. I mean skies.