Duffless

Homer:D'oh!

Science Fair Student:My project is about mind control. I've invented this device that makes people do whatever I want.

Science Fair Student:For example, I can make anyone do the monkey dance.

Science Fair Student:You there, do the monkey dance!

Bystander:No, I don't want to!

Science Fair Student:Too bad!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, bring me the Go-Go Ray!

Smithers:Right away, sir!

Victim:No! Please! I can't stop dancing!

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, dance for me! This is wonderful!

Victim:I'm causing all sorts of havoc and I love it, but I can't stop!

Lisa:First prize! First prize! First prize!

Bart:Yeah, I'm just messing with your head.

Marge:Homer, Lisa needs encouragement with her science project.

Homer:Science project? That's like... if you took a donut and filled it with... another donut.

Lisa:Dad, I'm using anabolic steroids on my tomato plants.

Homer:Steroids? That's great! Maybe you could slip some to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team. We're 0 and 42.

Lisa:Dad, anabolic steroids are dangerous!

Homer:Only if you care about living past 40.

Foreign Character 1:Yes, please, more tomato.

Foreign Character 2:Thank you, yes, most kind.

Foreign Character 3:Oh, delicious, another serving, please.

Foreign Character 4:Mmm, yes, if you don't mind.

Homer:I'm going to work! Yep, off to work I go.

Marge:Have a good day at the plant, Homer.

Homer:Oh, I will. At the plant. Doing plant things. All day long at the plant.

Homer:Wait, did she leave? Coast is clear! Woo-hoo! Beer tour!

Homer:I'm going to the brewery tour tomorrow. Don't tell anyone at work!

Marge:Homer, you just announced it to all of us.

Homer:Exactly. You're all family. You won't tell work.

Homer:Wait, if I'm thinking this, who's talking?

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm outta here!

Homer:I must flee this nuclear place of dread!

Safety Officer:Hark! To escape, follow these words instead: First seek the door that is painted red, Then climb the stairs with quickened tread, Exit through the gate or thou shalt be dead!

Homer:That's a lot of rhyming for one escape route.

Marge:If you ever see a spider, don't make it mad. Just back away slowly and say 'shoo.'

Homer:Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Oh my God, it's Princess Diana!

Homer:Wait... these are just rags.

Lisa:Bart, can you hold this for me?

Bart:Why sure! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Bart:Woop woop woop woop!

Bart:You see, the lace goes over, then under, creating a duality of purpose. The knot represents the intersection of chaos and order. In tying my shoe, I'm not just securing my foot—I'm securing my place in the universe.

Bart:AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Tour Guide:Now, some of you may have heard rumors about contamination, but I assure you they're completely unfounded.

Crowd Member 1:Contamination?!

Crowd Member 2:Did he say contamination?!

Tour Guide:No, no, I said there are NO contamination rumors.

Crowd:RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Announcer:Duff Beer is proud to sponsor 'The Abe Simpson Hour' — a now-controversial racist radio show!

Tour Guide:And that's our special process for brewing Duff beer. As you can see, we spare no expense in quality.

Tour Guide:Of course, that political figure you just saw on TV doesn't actually drink Duff. He's just doing it for the money. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a tour guide.

Tour Guide:And in the future, we plan to introduce new and exciting flavors like Duff Lime, Duff Cherry, and Duff... Splash.

Tour Guide:We're also considering a sports drink, an energy drink, and a beer for dogs.

Homer:Beer for dogs?

Tour Guide:Well, we haven't actually worked out the details. Truth is, we're out of ideas. We've been making the same beer for 50 years. Duff is all we have.

Lisa:Dad, your hamster is in distress!

Homer:Oh, like that time on Three's Company when there was a big misunderstanding.

Quality Control Worker:Hmm, a little dirt never hurt anybody.

Quality Control Worker:A dead mouse? I've seen worse.

Quality Control Worker:Well, that's a human finger, but it adds character.

Tour Guide:This beer is made from the finest ingredients... recycled sewage, expired clams, and a pinch of love.

Phil:Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's said about my work.

Homer:Mmm... candy beer.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I think you've had enough to drink, Barney.

Barney:Enough? I've had Duff, Duff Lite, Duff Dry, Duff Dark, Duff Ice, Duff Gold, Duff Platinum, and Alamo Beer.

Barney:I think I'm just getting started.

Homer:Why won't you just fall down?!

Barney:I'm made of sterner stuff, Homer.

Homer:Eat fist!

Barney:Ow... my arm.

Homer:That was your arm!

Barney:Yeah, and?

Police Officer:We need creative slang for drunk people.

Police Officer:How about 'stewed prunes'?

Police Officer:Alright, follow my finger with your eyes.

Homer Simpson:Your finger? I thought you said 'finger'... no wait, that's what you said.

Police Officer:Now walk a straight line.

Homer Simpson:Is that a lifeline? Can I phone a friend?

Police Officer:Can you drive this car, Barney?

Barney:Sure, officer... wait, did you say something, Giant Beer?

Police Officer:We're calling about your husband Homer. He's been arrested for DWI.

Marge:DWI? Oh my God, driving while intoxicated!

Police Officer:No ma'am, Dead on Arrival. He drove his car into the gorge.

Lionel Hutz:Now, I've devised a strategy so cunning, you'll have to dig it up with a shovel.

Lionel Hutz:We'll plead not guilty, and when the judge least expects it, BAM! We hit 'em with the truth.

Lionel Hutz:By then, it'll be too late. They'll be so surprised, the case will be dismissed on the spot.

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I move to strike that from the record.

Judge:No.

Pet Store Owner:This hamster writes mysteries! Look at these detective novels!

Lisa:But how does a hamster hold a pen?

Pet Store Owner:Well, he doesn't really. I write them and put his name on the cover.

Lisa:So you're committing fraud.

Pet Store Owner:I prefer to call it 'creative marketing.'

Pet Store Owner:This hamster is incredibly intelligent. He can solve puzzles, navigate mazes...

Homer:Wow! How much?

Pet Store Owner:Forty dollars.

Homer:I'll take him! Wait, one question — if I get hungry, he won't try to eat me first, right?

Pet Store Owner:Well, hamsters are known to eat their own young when stressed...

Homer:Why do I have to ride this stupid bike? This is ridiculous! I'm a driver, not some...

Homer:*rings bell*

Homer:Woo-hoo! Ring-a-ding-ding!

Lisa:Okay Bart, I'm conducting a scientific experiment to determine the lower limits of human intelligence.

Bart:Cool! What do I gotta do?

Lisa:Nothing. You're the control group.

Lisa:Wow, he did it! Look at those times! The correlation between the food stimulus and the behavioral response is remarkable!

Lisa:Alright, let's see how Bart compares to a hamster in basic cognitive tests.

Lisa:Hamster: 47 correct answers. Bart: 0 correct answers.

Lisa:Hamster: completes maze in 8 seconds. Bart: still in maze, eating cheese.

Lisa:Hamster: problem solving ability, excellent. Bart: problem solving ability, IS the problem.

Lisa:It appears the hamster is vastly superior in every measurable way.

Bart:Whoa! Electric food! This is awesome!

Bart:I can totally handle this.

Bart:Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Bart:Why do I keep doing this?

Bart:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Lisa:Hamster: two. Bart: zero.

Instructor:Now, this film we're about to see is extremely graphic. It graphically depicts the horrors of drunk driving.

Homer:Oh my God! Oh my God!

Homer:What is that thing?!

Homer:Oh, the humanity!

Instructor:Homer, it's just a man with a bottle of whiskey.

Homer:He's got a squid-like quality!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Choosing the Right Rope' and 'The Asphyxiation Station.'

Troy McClure:I'm also the star of 'Where the Wild Things Are... to Hide a Body' and 'Everyone Poops: A Coroner's Guide.'

Troy McClure:So stay tuned for more wholesome family entertainment!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as 'Laughter and Pathos' and 'Featuring the Songs of the Smiths'.

Homer:D'oh!

Woman:Excuse me, which way to the Alzheimer's support group meeting?

Man:Third door on the left.

Woman:Thanks! *walks away, then immediately comes back* Excuse me, which way to the Alzheimer's support group meeting?

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm proud to say I've been sober for 20 years! My only drink was a sweet liqueur, and it was both my first and last.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd say that's not very neighborly of you.

Ned Flanders:Why, you're no better than a wild animal! A savage beast prowling the streets with no regard for decency or the Lord's teachings!

Otto:My name is Otto, and I hate to say I told ya, but I'm a very bad driver.

Homer:Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm an alcoholic.

Homer:I guess I should be honest about why I'm here. Truth is, I don't really want to be here. I'd much rather be at Moe's right now, but Marge said if I don't go to these meetings, she's gonna... well, let's just say there's consequences.

Homer:So here I am. One day at a time, as they say. Although, if I'm being completely honest, I'm really just counting the minutes until this is over.

Hans Moleman:My name is Hans. Drinking has taken everything from me. My job, my family, my looks. I'm only 31 years old.

Homer:My name is Homer Simpson, and I'm an alcoholic.

Group Leader:Thank you for sharing, Homer. How long have you been sober?

Homer:Five minutes. And I'm scared out of my mind.

Homer:NOOOOOO!

Marge:Homer, you're not drinking alone, are you?

Homer:No, no, no. I'm drinking with God.

Marge:Homer, do you have a problem with beer?

Homer:Woo-hoo! Don't mind if I do!

Marge:Homer, don't you think you drink too much as an escape from reality?

Homer:Escape? I'm not trying to escape, Marge. I'm just having a beer.

Marge:Homer, that doesn't even make sense. You're just making up words.

Homer:I am not making up words, Marge. I saw a deer. A big, beautiful deer.

Marge:You said it had purple spots and sang opera.

Homer:It was a very special deer.

Marge:Homer, you need to give up beer.

Homer:Give up beer? What am I supposed to drink, Marge? Water? I'd have to be crazy!

Marge:No, just cut back. Maybe one beer a day instead of ten.

Homer:One beer a day? Marge, did you just say I should have one beer and a stray cat? Because I'm not taking in any more strays.

Marge:Homer, was that a beer can opening?

Homer:No, no, no. That was me saying 'I love you,' but in a very efficient way.

Homer:Well, beer... I guess this is it. We've had some good times together.

Homer:Remember that time at Moe's? And the time before that at Moe's?

Homer:But I've got to let you go, buddy. For my health. For my family.

Homer:I'll always remember you, beer. You've been there for me through thick and thin.

Bart:Oh Lisa, you're gonna pay for this! I'm gonna get you so good, you'll—

Bart:OW! OW! OW!

Bart:And that's why nobody will ever find my secret stash behind the—

Lisa:Found it.

Bart:How did you—I wasn't even finished with my evil monologue!

Homer Simpson:We shot down a student's science fair project? We're heroes!

Marge Simpson:Homer, that was a child's flying machine.

Homer Simpson:So? We were just protecting our airspace.

Car Owner:This baby runs on premium unleaded!

Car Owner:Actually, it tastes more like regular.

Car Owner:Mmm... gasoline.

Bart:Can hamsters fly planes?

Crowd:Awww, look at the little pilot outfit!

Crowd:And tiny goggles!

Crowd:So adorable!

Lisa:That's not real science!

Crowd:She's just jealous!

Principal Skinner:Well, Simpson, while your project lacks scientific rigor, I've learned that education is 90% presentation and 10% actual knowledge. It's a formula that's worked wonders for my administrative career.

Barney:Hey, look at all those women marching around without bras!

Lenny:Yeah, and they're all angry about it too.

Carl:This is the best protest I've ever seen.

Homer:Oh, this is torture! How can anyone enjoy baseball without beer?

Homer:It's just a bunch of guys standing around doing nothing!

Homer:Wait, is that it? That's the whole game?

Selma:Hello? Can anyone hear me? Mr. Whiskers, I think I'm stuck in here.

Patty:Selma, you're supposed to be demonstrating how much it holds!

Selma:I AM demonstrating! Look how much head it holds!

Homer:Mmm... beer. Why must you torment me with your absence?

Homer:I'll do anything for just one sip. ANYTHING!

Homer:I'm telling you, I would kill for a beer right now. I'd kill my wife, I'd kill my kids.

Group Member:Homer! That's terrible!

Homer:Would I though? Would I really?

Reverend Lovejoy:Have you thought about religion, Homer? It saved my life.

Homer:No thanks, Reverend. One crutch at a time.

Homer:I drank a whole bottle of cough syrup, then I drank the bottle. Then I drank the empty air where the bottle used to be.

AA Member:Dear Lord, what demon possesses this man?

Priest:The power of sobriety compels you! The power of sobriety compels you!

Homer's Mind:Don't think about beer... don't think about beer...

Train:Choo choo, choo choo...

Homer's Mind:Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Thirty days sober! Now I can finally get back to what's important — getting extremely drunk around children!

Marge:You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

Marge:One benefit is that he no longer sweats during meals

Marge:Look Homer, this is all the money you saved by not drinking!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Beer!

Homer:D'oh!

Moe:Homer! You're back! What'll it be?

Homer:Just a Coke, Moe. I'm sober now.

Moe:Sober? What am I supposed to do with all this inventory of liver damage?

Bar Patron 1:Yeah, Homer, don't be a sellout.

Bar Patron 2:We need you drunk with us.

Moe:I got invested in your alcoholism, pal. You can't just quit on me like this!

Barney:Yeah, well maybe you shouldn't have called Homer a 'knucklehead' and a 'meathead' and said his brain was smaller than a peanut!

Moe:Oh, shut up, ya blabbermouth! Why don't you take your big nose and your stupid face and get outta my bar, ya pillow-biter!

Moe:And another thing — you're uglier than a bucket of spit!

Moe:You'll be back. They always come back.

Customer:Yeah, I know. I have no where else to go.