Selma

Homer · Patty · Selma:Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. How was your trip? Fine. you both look well. Thank you. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. It's Christmas?

Selma · Homer:you wouldn't know it around here. And why is that? For one thing, there's no tree I was just on my way out to get one!

Selma:And when he surprised you with the Connie Chung calendar?

Patty · Selma:Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver? - No. - Good.

Selma · Patty:Patty, stop drooling. / Look who's talking.

Patty · Selma:You look different, Homer. Lose weight? You got a tan. I know what it is, a new tie.

Patty · Selma:Some people find your turkey a little dry. Now they'll have an option.

Patty · Selma:-So insincere. -How does she put up with him?

Patty · Selma · Lisa · Bart:-Yikes! What is that? -It's the centerpiece. -It's taking up real estate. -Move it, toots!

Patty · Selma:-Hey, that got her going! -Bitchen!

Stanley · Selma:Hello, Selma. Hello, Stanley.

Selma:I'll get right to it. I'm getting older and uglier. Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late.

Selma:Your first date in 25 years is more important than playing cards.

Selma:You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.

Selma:You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.

Selma:Achingly beautiful.

Selma:Two minutes younger. Skin like a china doll. Bosoms till Tuesday.

Selma:Can the sweet talk! You're right. It's time to end my girlish dreams... and grab hold of the next train out of the station.

Selma:It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.

Selma:It's time to give away my love like cheap wine.

Selma · Principal Skinner:Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock! The second most precious jewel here.

Patty · Selma:I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse.

Patty · Selma:What do you know. He's wearing pants. I owe you lunch.

Patty · Selma:Ugly. / Ugly. Butch.

Selma · Homer:You're also fat. / I'm also fat!

Selma:And this is Patty trying to plug her razor into those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. As you can see, we never got the hang of it.

Sideshow Bob · Selma:You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha. - I am not. - Yes, you are.

Bart · Selma:Don't be a fool. That man is scum. - Then call me 'Mrs. Scum.'

Selma:I bought stock in a Mace company just before society crumbled.

Selma:Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver. Driver, here's a fin. Get me home, and don't spare the whip.

Selma:41 years ago, God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman, and for this, I thank him.

Sideshow Bob · Selma:Soon I will kill you. - Huh? - Son pieds sentit beau-- French for 'her foot smells lovely.'

Sideshow Bob · Selma:Voy a matar a usted. - Wha? - That's Spanish for 'I am going to kill you.' - Say what?

Sideshow Bob · Selma:Don't forget to die. - Ding-dong.

Patty · Selma:We're hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Selma:Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Selma · Patty:Don't worry. We'll get that 'barking dog' record tomorrow. Patty, I want a baby.

Selma:You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. [Imitates Tiger Snarl]

Selma · Store Clerk:So, wearing a belt, are ya? Yep. No suspenders for you. I guess not.

Selma · Waiter:Cold biscuits... chicken... yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir.

Lisa · Selma:Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

Selma:A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack.

Selma:Ooh! You look just like your picture.

Selma:I got a lotta love to give and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio.

Marge · Selma:No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.

Sign · Selma:Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction. Plenty more where that came from.

Selma · Bart:This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational.

Bart · Selma:You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Selma · Surly:Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Sorry, Surly. Shut up.

Selma:I think their father is missing a chromosome.

Homer · Selma:You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.

Selma:When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

Patty · Selma:You can fit your whole head in it. / Don't be scared, JubJub. It's Mama.

Malloy · Selma:Selma, my dear, your lock of MacGyver's hair. / Ohh. Thank you. I'll add it to the ball.

Patty · Selma:Patty and Selma tornado aftermath: 'I feel it all the way up my skirt' / 'Ditto'

Patty · Selma · Homer:Now, bring us extra chairs like a good 'blubber'-in-law. Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

Patty · Selma:You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.

Selma:Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.

Selma · Patty:How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool. That's the problem.

Selma:I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow and Give My Remains to Broadway.

Selma:Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mm-mmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh.!

Selma:Well, I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.

Selma · Troy McClure:Well, not much happens to me... but I once had dinner with a movie star... and it was the most wonderful night of my life. Really? Who was it? George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.

Selma · Troy McClure:My God! It's like five cigarettes at once! Oh, my head is swimming! That's not cigars, baby. That's love.

Minister · Selma:And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier... take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband? I already told you yes.

Selma:I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films... as Make-Out King of Montana and The Electric Gigolo.

Selma:My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas.

Selma:You're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

Selma · Troy McClure:Are you gay? Gay? I wish! If I were gay, there'd be no problem.

Selma:Come on, JubJub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

Selma:I seem to have mashed more hair into it.

Selma:I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure.

Selma:God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-whatever.

Patty · Selma:This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes.

Selma · Homer · Patty:Looking for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Homer · Patty · Selma:In your face, Patty and Selma! - Well, we still love you, Ciggy.

Patty · Selma:Or club you with an antique wooden doll. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.

Selma:She left Homer? I'll get the Champale. And let's get that ring off.

Selma:Great. We'll have a girls night. No bras!

Patty · Selma:This is so like our lives. It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

Selma:Are you nuts? E-mail, female.

Marge · Patty · Selma:Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I want to sex you up. Your love slave, Marge.

Selma:Watch me!

Selma:He is hideous. Oh, a challenge!

Selma:'Ah, get a neck, Frankenstein.'

Patty · Selma:We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price is Right, which the network refused to air. Apparently, we're not 'TV pretty.'

Selma:I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day!

Selma:Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.

Selma:Oh... the hair is standing up on the back of my knees.

Selma:Come on, short round, we're going back to my temple of doom.

Artie Ziff · Selma:I can't get my socks off. Aw, leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery. I'm done. My kind of man.

Selma:Well, he can't break my heart, 'cause he kind of makes me sick. This could work.

Selma:All kettles and biscuits.

Selma:Let me get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.

Patty · Selma:Her name's Veronica. / But Veronica's a girl's name. / Did you know that?

Patty · Selma:Smells like cheeseburgers. / Give it back!

Homer · Selma:She's a man. / Looks like Patty's gonna get something she didn't register for.

Selma · Patty:There never was a jigsaw puzzle. I was trying to make you jealous. / Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended?

Patty · Selma:Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? It is a good way to meet security personnel.

Selma:I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks.

Selma:All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.

Selma · Homer:I'm not dead, idiot. I know. That was for the other patients.

Selma:Without him, I wouldn't have you.

Selma:How'd you like a little time with 'Miss October'?

Selma:I can't believe I used to date him.

Selma:I have the strangest feeling I've met him before.

Patty · Selma:How could he say that? Macgyver is my world. Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans!

Selma:'Aw's are cheap. I'm lookin' for some action.

Selma:Ugh! What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up.

Patty · Selma · Young Marge:Marjorie, we need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse. / No! / Mom? Gramma? Aunt Larina? Anybody?

Selma · Homer:Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you. / He was a great dad. Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents.

Selma · Grampa:I know what you're wondering. How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night. / I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.

Selma:My numbers don't get called much these days.

Selma:Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling me a thing.

Selma:Well, if he dies in my arms, I could meet a cute paramedic.

Homer · Selma:Ah! A bear is eating my father! / I'm Selma. / Ah! A talking bear is eating my father!

Selma:why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Selma:Yeah, you keep telling yourself that

Selma:That means he hates it. If he really liked it, he'd just paw at it instead of getting all clever.

Selma · Fat Tony:Hello, 'Selma.' Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?

Fat Tony · Selma:And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line? Try it and see. Nope.

Selma · Fat Tony:Fine. I choose my love handles. What? Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.

Selma:You asked what I wanted cut off, and I want lipo. Lots of lipo. Or are you not a man of your word?

Selma:The world's a different place when you've got a waist.

Selma:Oh Tony, if there were an Italian word for 'yes,' I'd be saying it right now.

Selma · Patty:You married a pig. Well, you married someone whose first name is Fat.

Selma · Fat Tony:You are such a gentle kisser. You were kind of all over the place.

Selma · Anna · Marge:That's a goomar ring. This is a wife ring. That's a wife ring?

Selma · Mob guys:Marge, if I ever tell you I want to get married again, I want you to stick your thumbs into my eyes. Yeah, we can show you how to do it. The trick is, you don't stop till you hear a pop.

Anna · Selma:You missed my first open house as a licensed real estate broker for this brutta puttana? I've hit on enough pizza boys to know what that means.

Selma:I've hit on enough pizza boys to know what that means.

Unknown · Patty · Selma:You look like Posh Spice. / That's just what I was going for. / I was going for Scary.

Selma:I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto!

Selma · Lovebot:Make me a Bloody Mary, dollface. No, Selma. Even a robot built only to love you cannot love you. I am leaving with your sister's concu-droid.

Patty · Selma · Lisa:We've got to thank you, kiddo. We've gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves. That's not you. You can see our reflection in the sunglasses.

Selma:Well, in the first place, the elephant's cuff links would be the same size. It's the cuffs that would be bigger.

Selma:And this town's got losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Selma:Maybe I should get married so I can date these guys.