Homer opens his own hair salon after discovering he is a talented stylist; Milhouse professes his love for Lisa.
WAR
38.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Homer Scissorhands” ranks #323 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 77.1 — Great. The episode packs 68 scored jokes at 4.3 per minute, averaging 6.6 on craft and 6.5 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Moe: You two look good. Open-casket good.
Moe Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Homer: It's like a beloved dog that died on your head.
Homer Absurdist Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: I put the body in the car, I dump the car in the lake, I put a James Taylor CD in the stereo so they think it's a suicide...
Homer Dark/Subversive Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Milhouse: You see, in the past, I've been too subtle. It's my curse-- subtlety!
Milhouse Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped!
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 68 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: D'oh! (Homer's signature exclamation)
Homer Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Patty or Selma: Lisa, this is going too slow for me. And I work at the DMV.
Lisa: I'll have to make it more neo-classical and less Mannerist, but okay.
Lisa Character Comedy Observational Bart: I jumped in front of your picture. Now it's ruined.
Bart Character Comedy Absurdist Bart: I'm really sorry it wasn't a year.
Bart Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Bart: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.
Bart Observational Deadpan/Understatement Homer: Oh, I get to enjoy this, but I'm not responsible.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: I put the body in the car, I dump the car in the lake, I put a James Taylor CD in the stereo so they think it's a suicide...
Homer Dark/Subversive Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: I'll just keep cutting till I hit something solid.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: Wake-up-and-look-at-your-hair!
Homer Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Ned Flanders: I didn't do diddily, and certainly not squat.
Unknown · Patty · Selma: You look like Posh Spice. / That's just what I was going for. / I was going for Scary.
Patty or Selma: With your fat fingers and your brain the size of a Superball?
Patty or Selma · Homer · Patty or Selma: I meant my hair. / Oh! Oh... / Idiot.
Bart: I put a roadblock on the curly slide.
Bart Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Milhouse: There are no more great days, Bart. Just days.
Milhouse Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Milhouse: Did you know it has a chapter before chapter two? A chapter where we meet Nemo's mother.
Milhouse: Not after Chapter One, he doesn't.
Milhouse Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Milhouse: If death can happen to a fish, it can happen to anyone.
Milhouse: You see, in the past, I've been too subtle. It's my curse-- subtlety!
Milhouse Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Moe: You two look good. Open-casket good.
Moe Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Homer: Lady, I'm not a hairdresser. I just put a new lid on a couple of trashcans.
Homer Observational Character Comedy Homer · Marge: Marge, how much is that in smackaroos? / One hundred.
Unknown customer: Hello, airport piano bar.
Homer: Well, I open a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk, but I don't think so.
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: Just call me 'Homer Fingerhands.'
Homer Wordplay/Pun Meta/Self-Referential Homer: It's like a beloved dog that died on your head.
Homer Absurdist Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: Uh, uh, no, I'm, uh... just exploring my body.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Homer: Oh, hair. I'll love you when you're old and gray.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer: I dream of cutting hair, styling hair, making hair shorter in exchange for money.
Homer Observational Character Comedy Previous tenant: I really thought people would like to harvest their own honey. Oh, how they hated it.
Milhouse: Lisa Simpson is the smartest, sweetest, most perfectest girl in the whole world
Milhouse: Oh yeah, it's a theremin.
Milhouse: ♪ Teacher said, don't eat the paste / 'Tis apt to make you spew / I ate the paste, and liked the taste / Passed out and dreamed of you. ♪
Milhouse Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Lisa: Okay-- first of all, it's never wise to use the word 'spew' in a love song.
Lisa Observational Character Comedy Lisa: I'm sorry, but I don't love you, Milhouse, and I never will.
Lisa Cringe/Discomfort Dark/Subversive Taffy: Yeah. It was romantic and it rhymed.
Taffy Character Comedy Observational Milhouse: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, 'This one, I guess.'
Milhouse Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Principal Skinner: Hm! That theremin has paid for itself again and again.
Unknown customer: All day long, Apu goes on about Lady Gaga, who is doing nothing that Rava Khatan was not doing 20 years ago, while she was a member of Parliament.
Unknown customer: Funny how my Timothy always uses the short-form baptism when there's a basketball game he wants to watch...
Homer: All day long I have to listen to women talk. Not a good time!
Homer Character Comedy Observational Milhouse: Well, I've worn a lot of different braces in my time.
Milhouse: This morning I got to second base... on our walk around the softball diamond.
Milhouse: I dunno. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?
Unknown customer: I know Kirk resents that the dog likes me more, but Rex is just establishing dominance over the weaker male.
Unknown customer: Hey, I don't want a conversation. Oh?! I just want you to listen while I talk about the loser I'm married to.
Homer: When I look at you, all I see are the foibles that drive your women crazy! Foibles! Foibles! Foibles!
Homer Escalation Character Comedy Wiggum: I can also make very annoying noises.
Wiggum Character Comedy Observational Homer · Wiggum: I'll teach you how to make love to your wife! / What? No! Just cut her hair!
Lenny: Why don't you do here what you do at the nuclear plant-- namely, suck?
Lenny Character Comedy Observational Unknown customer: So, I told Timothy you cannot keep basing sermons on old Seinfelds.
Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped!
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: I'm committing Barbicide!
Homer Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Homer: Oh, why doesn't anything kill me?
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Taffy · Lisa: I hear he goes to California on his vacations. / That's the first thing everyone knows about Kyle LoBianco!
Homer: Marge, do you hear it? Listen! It's the hair... growing! Always growing! Blonde, brunette, auburn!
Homer Escalation Character Comedy Taffy: We're just trying to put our relationship back together. In the sack, he's Salisbury steak, everywhere else, creamed corn.
Taffy Cringe/Discomfort Observational ★ Rewatch Milhouse: How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?
Milhouse: Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
Milhouse Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Disco Stu · Announcer: My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight. / Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend!
Homer: Oh, yes, ladies, I've outdone myself. Outdone myself by not doing it at all!
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Marge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Julio is my little secret! / I've said too much!
Marge Character Comedy Escalation Julio: That's right, ladies. And I never heard a complaint I didn't sympathetically cluck to.
Julio Character Comedy Observational Julio: Okay, first five customers get a discount. Next five hear secrets about the first five.
Julio Observational Character Comedy Marge: As if anyone but you could make me feel this beautiful.
Marge Character Comedy Observational Marge: Aw, sweetie, thanks for saving me from the horrible life Warren Beatty lived in Shampoo.
Marge Observational Meta/Self-Referential Homer: As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Top Episodes — The Simpsons
