Patty

Patty:Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us.

Homer · Patty · Selma:Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. How was your trip? Fine. you both look well. Thank you. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. It's Christmas?

Patty:Mm-hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Patty:34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut.

Patty · Selma:Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver? - No. - Good.

Selma · Patty:Patty, stop drooling. / Look who's talking.

Patty · Selma:You look different, Homer. Lose weight? You got a tan. I know what it is, a new tie.

Patty · Selma:Some people find your turkey a little dry. Now they'll have an option.

Patty · Selma:-So insincere. -How does she put up with him?

Patty · Selma · Lisa · Bart:-Yikes! What is that? -It's the centerpiece. -It's taking up real estate. -Move it, toots!

Patty · Selma:-Hey, that got her going! -Bitchen!

Young Marge · Patty:-Couldn't we just use rouge for this? -Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.

Patty:That's what you get when you don't put out.

Patty:Hey, alley cats. Save it for the honeymoon!

Patty:Hey, tubs, I'm Patty!

Patty:Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells and the horseflies are huge.

Patty · Principal Skinner:Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen. Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.

Patty:Thursday, I'm going food shopping. You can come if you like. Until then.

Patty · Skinner:It's not that I don't love you. You love me! Yes. Yes, but--

Patty:It's kind of a Catch-22.

Patty:We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again.

Patty · Selma:I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse.

Patty · Selma:What do you know. He's wearing pants. I owe you lunch.

Patty · Selma:Ugly. / Ugly. Butch.

Patty:Maybe you should try it on Homer. He'll fail it.

Homer · Patty:Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father. You're also fat. I'm also fat!

Patty · Homer:If you're going for a beer, this is the last one. D'oh!

Patty:He'll probably trade her... for a beer and a nudie magazine.

Patty:If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out I'd find out where he lives and tear him a new belly-button.

Patty:My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Patty · Otto:Well, you failed every segment... and misspelled ''bus'' on your application. Drag.

Patty · Andre · Marge:Marge, this is Andre. Hello. [Chuckles] I think you two would make a lovely couple. My husband is still alive! Oh. Thank God. I hope he pulls through. Not me. [Chuckles]

Patty · Selma:We're hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Patty:Take a seat, bozo. And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.

Patty:Gladys lived alone, died alone. I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.

Selma · Patty:Don't worry. We'll get that 'barking dog' record tomorrow. Patty, I want a baby.

Patty · Selma:You can fit your whole head in it. / Don't be scared, JubJub. It's Mama.

Patty · Selma:Patty and Selma tornado aftermath: 'I feel it all the way up my skirt' / 'Ditto'

Patty · Selma · Homer:Now, bring us extra chairs like a good 'blubber'-in-law. Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

Patty · Selma:You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.

Selma · Patty:How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool. That's the problem.

Patty · Tony:No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see- Uh, Tony, please! No. I just ate a whole plate of 'dingamagoo.'

Patty · Selma:This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes.

Selma · Homer · Patty:Looking for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

Marge · Patty:$300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook. Don't worry. Gets easier every week.

Homer · Patty · Selma:In your face, Patty and Selma! - Well, we still love you, Ciggy.

Patty:Never let an attractive woman into your house. All they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you.

Patty · Selma:Or club you with an antique wooden doll. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.

Patty:Overnight bag, no husband in sight! It's happened!

Patty:It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.

Patty · Selma:This is so like our lives. It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

Marge · Patty · Selma:Dear Artie. Dear Hottie. Congratulations on your recent TV appearance. I want to sex you up. Your love slave, Marge.

Patty · Abe:I'll give you your license if you never do that again. / Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.

Homer · Patty:This isn't Marge. This is her fat sister. Selma. - It's Patty. Chump!

Homer · Patty:Hey. Wait a minute. This isn't Marge. This is her fat sister. Selma. - It's Patty. Chump!

Patty · Selma:We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price is Right, which the network refused to air. Apparently, we're not 'TV pretty.'

Patty:He didn't leave. He went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

Patty:they say that the love of a good woman can save any man. Except you, freak.

Patty · Selma:Her name's Veronica. / But Veronica's a girl's name. / Did you know that?

Patty:Hey, Marge, here's another bomb: I like beer.

Patty:You could see it from space, Marge.

Patty · Selma:Smells like cheeseburgers. / Give it back!

Patty:Correction. The first blimp who got her pregnant.

Patty:I'll bet that's how angels cough.

Patty:You act all liberal, but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room.

Patty:At last I have found the yin to my yin.

Patty:You think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you!

Patty:I can see why you lied to other golfers, caddies, fans and officials, but how could you lie to me and the sponsors?

Patty:Hell no, I like girls!

Selma · Patty:There never was a jigsaw puzzle. I was trying to make you jealous. / Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended?

Patty · Selma:Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? It is a good way to meet security personnel.

Patty:This is one problem damaged food can't solve.

Patty:Wow, you really are down.

Patty:And you may meet him again, as your new father!

Patty · Selma:How could he say that? Macgyver is my world. Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans!

Patty:This is Selma in line at the luray caverns. It turned out it was the line for the ladies' room. This is the ladies' room.

Patty:Simple. Your brain is trying to save you from your backed-up toilet of a marriage.

Patty · Selma · Young Marge:Marjorie, we need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse. / No! / Mom? Gramma? Aunt Larina? Anybody?

Patty · Homer:Look, if you want to break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you. / Okay, but I'm not good at details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk.

Patty:Okay, now let's prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing.

Marge · Patty:Rules: no men, no cell phones, no mirrors, no shame. Marge, I wish you well, but why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Patty:Your hair committed blue-icide.

Selma · Patty:You married a pig. Well, you married someone whose first name is Fat.

Unknown · Patty · Selma:You look like Posh Spice. / That's just what I was going for. / I was going for Scary.

Patty:I'm fluent in every imaginary language, from Dothraki to Parseltongue.

Patty · Selma · Lisa:We've got to thank you, kiddo. We've gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves. That's not you. You can see our reflection in the sunglasses.

Homer · Patty:That's some impressive flute-nastics. Shut up! You can't praise her. She'll think she's smart and slack off. Then all our loving would be for nothing.

Patty:I was just taking Stanlerina to get her hormone shots.

Patty:Yeah, what size cuff links do you get an elephant?

Patty · Homer:Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone? / Women marry their fathers, Marge. So you just might be meeting your future 'ton-in-law.'