Tis The Fifteenth Season

TV Announcer:Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best... Again.

Character putting on winter boots:See ya in spring, toes.

Krusty:For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Carl:Apparently working in Hawaii was a pleasure.

Homer:Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Homer:May the spirit of Retsyn be with you all year long. God bless God. Amen.

Lenny · Homer:Homer, you're the most selfish man I know. Oh, come on. Mister Burns is way more selfish.

Homer:That evil old bone bag smelling of death, nose like a vulture, followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers.

Mr. Burns:Yes. That describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee.

Mr. Burns:It's time for your Christmas 'bon-i.' Everyone gets a five-dollar cafeteria voucher.

Mr. Burns:Joe DiMaggio? Yes. It seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues.

Comic Book Guy:I'm sorry. But I'm afraid your card is only worth everything I've got! Everything! Take it!

Comic Book Guy:Oh, no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off. Deftly...

California Prunes:Oh, pruny night / The stars are sweetly wrinkled

Marge:This is offensive to Christians and prunes.

Homer · Lisa · Marge:Let's shop till we droop. I think that's 'drop.' That's a very violent image, Lisa.

Homer:then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding!

Bart:Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Oh, take that, Salem, Oregon! Wait a minute. This game is educational! That'll teach you to teach me!

Homer:Oh, God! It's so unnecessary!

Homer:I'm upside-down so much!

Astrolabe · Homer:Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho. That's the birthday I'm always forgetting! I must have it!

Homer:Now, everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone, and listen to the radio.

Radio Trucker Song:Three kings put the hammer down / Cause we got a Christmas convoy, ain't she a beautiful thing? / 10-4, King of the Jews

Homer:Why do things I love always burn?

Homer:Woo-hoo! Maggie's talking!

Homer:There's a trickledown theory here. If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you.

Astrolabe:I am not returnable.

Marge:This is sadder than Tuesdays with Morrie.

Homer:You have to get your hair done at Supercuts. I guess regular cuts just isn't good enough for you.

Homer:That's not true! I cared what you thought once you found out!

Marge:I'm gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.

Astrolabe · Homer:Colombia's main export is coffee. Exactly.

Mr. McGrew · Someone:I can't find my way back to the home. I heard you the first five times!

Cratchit · McGrew:Sir, I'm over here. Woo-hoo. Sorry, pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat?

TV Character:Oh, McGrew. Once again you've mistaken something for something.

Homer:Oh, my God! It's like looking at a cartoon version of myself!

Homer:Come on, Death. Leave McGrew alone. Take Tiny Tim!

Homer:'Unloved by Al?' No! 'Unloved by all?' No!

Homer:Yeah. TV writers have been milking that goat for years.

TV Parody:Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you! Did I do that?

Star Trek Parody:It's no use, Captain. He's showin' visions of me future. God, I'm so fat! I said fire!

Homer:Yes. But this time I'm sober-ish.

Hobo · Homer:These pants smell worse than my old pants. You're welcome.

Homer · Lenny:A photo cube with pictures of us! And I filed down all the sharp corners. See? Your eye is completely safe! Oh, wow, it just stings a little.

Marge:Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good. And tears are the sweetest sauce.

Homer:All right, now you're starting to creep me out.

Ned · Reverend:I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of. That was Led Zeppelin. Get back to your bong, hippie.

Todd · Ned:I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses. One problem at a time, boy.

Homer:Being unselfish is a natural high like hiking or paint thinner.

Homer:And here's another act of Christian charity I pulled out of my butt.

Homer · Hobo:Here's your skates. Oh, you'll have to take off those boots. Those are my feet. Eew!

News Reporter:Santa Claus is dead. Or he might as well be because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point.

Ned:That Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!

Ned:I know that can be a dickens of a doozie!

Ned:I said 'man,' not 'man-God'! Keep your pants on!

Agnes Skinner:What's your angle, pervert?

Krusty's Voice (Operation Game):You just tweezered my wang!

Lisa:People would be a lot happier without presents.

Homer:I'm not going to jail again.

Homer:You're a hero, Homer J / You're as crafty as a skunk / They'll thank you in the morning for stealing Flanders' junk

Criminal:Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass!

Selma:Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.

Patty:He didn't leave. He went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

Apu:Your behavior, it's like not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like wild.

Person on mountain:That's my last flare. Somebody better come soon. Oh, thank goodness. Rescue dogs. (GROWLING)

Reverend Lovejoy:Let's just say that on this day a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't. And that's cool. But we're probably right.

Elderly man:Oh, joy! Let's see what we got here. It's a new brassiere! But I don't even have them, but okay. I'll make pretend.

Moe · Crowd:I ain't got all day, Drama Queen. Get it over with. I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump.

Astrolabe:Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and singer Barbara Mandrell.