Carl

Carl · Lenny:I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island. Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Apes, but they're not so big.

Carl:I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand. Oh, who cares.

Carl · Lenny:These spurs are killing me. Ey-y-y. Sit on it. Lenny, '50s day is next Wednesday.

Homer · Carl:Bull's-eye! Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.

Carl · Lenny:Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time.

Lenny · Carl:Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts. Well, there were a few left, but we chucked 'em at an old man for kicks.

Homer · Lenny · Carl:I'm stuck. Help me. He's done for! Let's get outta here!

Carl:Yeah. Usually you just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom.

Carl:Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?

Lenny · Carl:It's a secret. Shut up.

Lenny · Carl:It's a secret. Shut up.

Lenny · Carl:It's a secret. Shut up.

Carl:At the picnic, he thought my son Reynaldo was Rolando. Can you believe it?

Carl:Yeah, especially your big fat- Oh, wait.

Carl · Lenny:Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us... created by our goodwill and teamwork. Nah. They said there'd be sandwiches.

Carl · Lenny:God, he eats like a pig. I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Carl:He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.

Carl · Moe:That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe? Ah, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt? Damn, that's tempting!

Carl · Lenny · Barney:Moving the whole town five miles down the road. It's crazy! Yeah, it's something, all right. So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too

Carl:It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir.

Carl · Homer:That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer? Uh, yes.

Carl:I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today. [All Sighing]

Carl · Homer:Homer, we've worked together for 10 years. It's Carl. You only wrote my name. Um, I wanted yours. Take it or leave it, 'Carl.'

Carl · Homer:A guy could do great things with a gadget like that. Yeah, a guy could do great things.

Carl:Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place. And on that rib place! I never knew everything was so good!

Carl · Lenny:Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? You know it. I'll probably send some tomorrow. I hear that.

Carl:Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.

Carl:Will you at least call it a 'banana split,' you dumb wad?

Lenny · Carl:Lenny and Carl: 'We're just watching the sun move across the sky. When it gets to here, we can drink again.'

Carl · Homer:Carl: 'Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe!' Homer: 'Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.'

Carl:That spells 'Duff.' Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else.

Carl:You can really taste the goat.

Carl · Lenny:Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be 'E.' See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

Carl · Lenny · Barney · Homer:Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Huh? Is Barney that drunk? [Moans] Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? [Sighs] Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought!

Moe · Homer · Carl:Come on. Look at me. I'm a gargoyle... what, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips- Little rat eyes. Caveman brow. Don't forget that fish snout.

Homer · Carl:Or listen to. Or be with.

Little Vicki · Carl:My kitty cat's sick... and I'd be ever so sad if she should die. [Coughing] / Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothin'... but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? / Dancin'? / Dancin'.

Lenny · Carl:He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other. Hey, did we ever get that money?

Carl:The six is closer to the three, so you got convenience there. But the nine has less to do with Satan, which is a plus in this religious world of ours.

Lenny · Carl:Don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle. And the two weeks we all spent at area code camp.

Carl · Homer:Joan Collins must be in town. - Joan Collins? That girl sleeps with everybody!

Carl · Homer:Are you him? Are you Mr. X? / No. / But you talked in that real sly voice. / Hey, hey, everybody! Homer's Mr. X! / I am not! Or... am I? / Are you? / No!

Carl · Carl's codpiece wearer:Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece. Comfy, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.

Carl:I can't feed my family with a codpiece.

Lenny · Carl:No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny... from hosting a casual get-together. - Casual? I can taste that get-together now.

Carl:Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.

Lenny · Carl:Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die. Well, okay. But hurry up.

Carl:I'm an urban Lenny!

Carl:Yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time.

Lisa · Lenny · Carl:What about the Dalai Lama? Who? You know, the 14th reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokiteshvara. Who's Buddha?

Carl:It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.

Carl:I dream about meatball sandwiches, all-you-can-eat for two bucks.

Carl · Richard Gere:Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman, did you really do all those sit-ups? I wish. I did one, and they just showed it 1,000 times.

Carl · Richard Gere:Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman, did you really do all those sit-ups? I wish. I did one, and they just showed it 1,000 times.

Carl:Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.

Lenny · Carl:If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead. Booyah!

Barney · Carl:If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes. Yeah. But what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

Carl:Whose banana you gotta peel to get a 5.9? Pfft!

Carl · Lenny:Wow, Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw. Yeah. Fun, but not too fun.

Carl · Homer:Wow, Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw. / Yeah. Fun, but not too fun.

Carl · Homer:CARL: Hey, Lenny, covet some more chili fries? That's it. The whole shebang.

Carl · Lenny:I say Phantom Menace sucked more. I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.

Carl:This is great! It's darker than a French chick's armpit!

Lenny · Carl · Homer:LENNY & CARL: D-E-R HOMER: His wife is dead [WOMAN SCREAMS]

Carl:Was that Al Roker? His exuberance is perplexing.

Homer · Carl:You can bring a bag of ice. Lousy Homer. I'll show him. Tonight, his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.

Carl · Lenny:I sang at your wedding. Yeah, 'The Best Is Yet to Come.' Real original.

Lenny · Carl:Yeah. We borrowed 'em for the radio.

Carl:Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.

Carl:Apparently working in Hawaii was a pleasure.

Lenny · Carl:Good? I'm in it. I had a small speaking role. Yeah, I went to visit him and was banned from the set.

Homer · Carl:Wow, a Negro. We prefer the term 'black.' So cool.

Lenny · Carl:Sorry, we're ghosts now. Our spirits live in those two trees. Or, maybe we're alive and we just feel like jerkin' you around. Or maybe we're one of each.

Lenny · Carl · Homer:Angela Dare! Sultry Stevens! Yeah, what is this, a reunion of Fahrenheit 9 on 1?

Lenny · Carl:I've always dreamed of working in an adult film. I'll run the sound board! And I'll perform in the sex scenes!

Barney · Carl:Don't pigeonhole us. We have other vices. I dress up like a baby.

Lenny · Carl:But it's not an awkward silence. Yeah, it's more like a nothing needs to be said kind of silence.

Lenny · Carl:Remember when we used to kiss like that, Carl? With our respective girlfriends.

Carl:Maybe finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.

Carl:The only thing women can build is credit card debt.

Lenny · Carl:Everyone's paying attention to Homer. I still like you. Thanks, Invisible Carl.

Lenny · Carl:I don't know where Carl ends and I begin. See, statements like that are why people think we're gay.

Barney · Carl:Huh, good joke, Homer. You can unhook my car now. Uh, looks like he's driving away with it.

Carl · Lenny:It sure is great not having Homer around to tell us where we can or can't park. Yeah, without the crushing rule of law, society will do a better job of regulating itself.

Carl · Lurleen:Hey, Lurleen, I'm going down to the rock quarry tonight to throw stones at the woodchucks. Want to come? / No. / That's okay. I understand. Someone's lookin' at a snake in her mailbox.

Carl:These are going right on my mom's grave.

Lenny · Carl:He gave me one of his kidneys. Yeah, me, too.

Carl:About how we give each other haircuts? No, we'll take that secret to our graves.

Carl:You mean like how we treat Homer? 'Cause he can't remember limericks?

Moe · Carl:But what if it blows up in my face? / Uh, with your face, who cares?

Carl:So my girlfriend puts all these pillows on the bed. And you have to like take them all off at night and put them all back on every morning. And if the little one is in back of the big one, oh, God help you.

Carl · Homer:One unlucky punch and Marge could be bedridden for life. Unable to move anything but her left toe. Yeah. 'FEED ME'

Carl · Homer · Carl:You think just 'cause I'm black I know all other black people? / Well, I, uh, uh... / Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.

Carl:The nitwits are running the goofhouse

Carl:You know, I'd rather save my arm-lifting for tapping gauges or filling out employee evaluations

Carl:Yes, I have, in ways you're only beginning to suspect

Carl:Either you're my assistant or you find a job elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring

Carl · Homer:Either you're my assistant or you find a job elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring. - Fine, I guess I'm at your beck. - And call. No...!

Carl:That's right, we're going to fission week!

Carl:When I was your age, It was the future, 'cause I'm younger than you

Carl:I don't have time for peeling. Squirt 'em in

Carl · French Commissioner:still dead? - Yes, thank you for asking

Carl · French Commissioner:closed on mondays. You are clearly a man of the world

Carl:My assistant will do a sensual dance for your arousal

Carl:Or all the joke ID badges we order.

Carl:I'm pounding Melchizedeks.

Carl · Lenny:If wishes were horses, I'd be eating wish-meat every night. What does that mean?

Carl:Finally, a break for the black man!

Carl · Lenny:That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk.

Lenny · Carl:I love our Valentine's Day tradition of going out with each other's sisters. Is there anything better than my best friend's face on a girl body?

Carl:Oh! Judi Dench?! Kiss me, 007.

Carl:I did publish five modestly successful children's books.

Homer · Carl:Oh, you didn't write any of it. That tuna didn't salad itself.

Carl:I laminated the lunch menu and put them ia binder.

Carl:If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, the whole thing would be vampires, instead of the pope's private naked dude mural.

Lenny · Carl · Mr. Burns:Yeah, even Homer's not dumb enough to invite... So! This is the famous party. Feh. Guh. Pffoy.

Bart · Carl:Hey, Lenny. I'm Carl. Don't you remember? You came to the brain-switching ceremony.

Homer · Carl · Moe:Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your 'best friend,' the bar rag. Me, too! Witty.

Off-Grid Leader · Carl:Let her slice off the tip of your ear, and she'll go right to sleep. No. That's not a choice you get to make.

Lenny · Carl:See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him. Yeah, I still think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.

Carl:Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix.

Lenny · Carl:That thing's hilarious. Not so hilarious for me. I nearly lost a toe.

Carl · Lenny:That's what you get for having a monkey give you a foot massage. My bucket list is my business.

Carl · Lenny:I saw a Sesame Street about it! Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything. Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit, too? All the frogs on that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

Lenny · Carl:Russian nesting donut!

HR person · Carl:Actually, Carl, there's no workplace-appropriate use for the word 'bazooms.' What about 'thunderbags'?

Marge · Carl:What? 'Cause they rented a van and taped an antenna to the top? Not just any tape. Duct tape.

Carl · Lenny:Don't worry, Marge, we bought a ton of safety gear from a highly-respected storm chaser's widow. It's not what you're thinking. He died of a heart attack. Yeah, 80 feet up in the air.

Carl · Marge:I'd say she's prettier than a surface hoar. Hey! Surely, you didn't misunderstand my usage of 'surface hoar.' The sublimation of ice crystals that's colder than a frost point.

Homer · Carl:He was a black guy, but his voice sounded like a white guy. Hey, excuse me for wanting to fit in.

Carl:Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Games-ed in the womb.

Carl:It's no use. We're perfectly matched.

Carl:No, no, anything but the inedible, repulsive food of my native land.

Carl:we're not friends. Friends share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams. Friends know their friends are from Iceland! We are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar

Carl:We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them.

Carl:Yeah, I'd tell you guys I love you, but, uh, I don't want to say it, and you don't want to hear it.

Carl:And she's with her frumpy friend I always have dinner with when you two disappear. Mm-hmm-hmm.

Carl · Homer:Executive stress ball that says 'One more squeeze and you're fired' causing more stress

Carl:Carl playing Muppet Chess with moves like 'Gonzo to Fozzie Seven' and 'Kermit-mate'

Carl:I was just tweeting a picture of what I thought was my last meal. Hot dog and french fries!