After destroying Flanders' shrine to The Beatles, Bart and Milhouse are punished by being put in community groups. Bart joins the Pre-Teen Braves along with Ralph Wiggum, Nelson Muntz and Database. Led by Marge, they start engaging in community activities. However, they soon become rivals with The Cavalry Kids, led by Milhouse. The two groups try to outdo each other and become involved in a contest to sell the most candy. The Cavalry Kids win the prize of singing the national anthem at a baseball game. However, the Pre-Teen Braves pretend to be The Cavalry Kids and sing their own version of the national anthem. As the crowd becomes enraged, the real Cavalry Kids arrive and a massive stadium-wide brawl erupts. Marge becomes upset, and the fighting ends when an image of her crying is shown on the JumboTron.
WAR
64.4
Wins Above Replacement
“The Bart Of War” ranks #117 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.5 — Elite. The episode packs 70 scored jokes at 3.9 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Ned: We'll be safe inside our fortress When they come / We'll be safe from creeps and killers When they come / Unless they have a blow torch Or a poison gas injector / Then I don't know what'll happen When they come
Ned Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Ned · Rod: Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret.
Ned Rod Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Jim Proudfoot: No, but we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.
Ralph · Girl Scout: Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.
Homer · Marge: Well, Bart, we've learned that war is not the answer. Except to all of America's problems. Amen.
All Jokes — 70 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer: I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes.
Homer Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Homer: I can't believe we paid to see Steve Guttenberg... Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.
Homer Observational Absurdist Bart: If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.
Bart Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Bart · Lisa: Then I'd be the most popular kid in school. Knowing you, you'd mess it up somehow.
Milhouse: Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.
Bart: I know how to make some. Peanuts, butter. Now, we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.
Bart Absurdist Character Comedy Milhouse: I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernuber.
Milhouse · Bart: What are the Beatles? They wrote all the songs on Maggie's baby records. 'John Lemon, Orange Harrison, Paul Mclced Tea, Mango Starr'?
Bart: A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.
Bart Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Bart: Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye.
Bart Observational Dark/Subversive Bart: I don't feel so fab.
Bart Wordplay/Pun Callback Callback Ned · Rod: Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret.
Ned Rod Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Ned: The house is slightly askew. To the panic room!
Ned Character Comedy Escalation Ned: We'll be safe inside our fortress When they come / We'll be safe from creeps and killers When they come / Unless they have a blow torch Or a poison gas injector / Then I don't know what'll happen When they come
Ned Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Lou · Chief Wiggum: Well, if you just wanna talk... talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife. The divorce was final. When is a divorce ever final?
Chief Wiggum · Lou: Well, well, well, looks like a couple of punks... are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville. That's the Monkees, chief. Go wait in the car.
Chief Wiggum: Ha, hijinks. Funny word. Three dotted letters in a row. Is it hyphenated? It used to be. Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to.
Chief Wiggum: Then there's *NSYNC. Ha! What the hell is that? Jump in anytime, Eddie. These are good topics.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Ned Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Callback Ned: I am so tired of that tautology.
Ned Character Comedy Observational Ned: Courts aren't fit to keep children in line. They're good for telling women what to do with their bodies.
Ned Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: Hee, hee, look at me. I'm Brian Epstein. Now I'm Michael Jackson. 'I own all your songs, losers.'
Homer Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Callback Homer · Marge: 'The 5-H Club.' Five-H? They had to admit homosexuals.
Marge: Something about that boy just shakes up your soda.
Marge Character Comedy Observational Bart · Lisa · Homer: Just like real Indians. Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe. You mean, like some sort of madman? Ideally, no, but... I'll do it.
Homer: I am Homer tribal chief / I am wearing tiny briefs / Braves teach values boys should know / Now extended drum solo
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Homer · Ralph: Pick one. I am 'Burger With Fries.' Man, is that uninspired.
Homer: Jeez, no wonder these guys lost the Civil War.
Homer Observational Dark/Subversive Homer: I shall bet no more forever.
Homer Callback Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Homer: Unfortunately, after further review, the Great Father in the sky determined that the receiver's moccasins were out of bounds.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Absurdist Lisa: Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.
Lisa Irony/Sarcasm Observational Homer: They probably want their souls back.
Homer Dark/Subversive Observational Nelson: Hail to our new chief, the surprisingly hot Mrs. Simpson.
Nelson Character Comedy Observational Homer: Oh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Nelson · Bart: If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me. You haven't seen your dad in years. Hey, today might be the day.
Nelson Bart Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Nelson: Papa. Papa. Never leave me again.
Nelson Cringe/Discomfort Visual Gag Callback Jim Proudfoot: No, but we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.
Jim Proudfoot: and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you.
Homer: Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Marge · Kids: And why are we gonna do it? Liberal guilt. Yay!
Marge Kids Meta/Self-Referential Observational ★ Rewatch Journalist · Marge: 'Activity Participated In By Some.' Hey, that's great.
Marge: Make sure you use Pine-Sol on those pine trees... for that pine fresh smell.
Marge Absurdist Observational Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, I can see why he left.
Marge Dark/Subversive Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Shelbyville kid: It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.
Shelbyville kid: Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.
Milhouse: Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.
Milhouse Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Shelbyville kid: We're the bad boys... of non-denominational community youth groups.
Marge: Then I guess this means war.
Marge Character Comedy Escalation Ralph · Girl Scout: Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.
Marge: Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross.
Marge Observational Dark/Subversive Apu · Marge: Another of those youth groups that apes the cultures... of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed? Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.
Apu Marge Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Drederick Tatum: I can't help myself. Punch and grope. Punch and grope. It's all I was taught.
Ralph Absurdist Character Comedy Homer: Oh, it's too tight. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
Homer: Oh, it's too tight. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Men of cruelty.
Lenny: Oh, sure. We were just gonna buy... the same candy inside the store but for less.
Lenny Observational Irony/Sarcasm Milhouse: Melts in your mouth, not in your pants.
Old Man: Holy moly. I'm moving like Ginger Rogers.
Old Man Character Comedy Observational Chief Wiggum: Looks like this is one time the Indians didn't win.
Homer: I'm gonna take that bartending course, including today's lighter drinks.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Homer: People will do anything a sign tells them.
Homer Observational Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Kirk Van Houten: Do you have 5 bucks for regular parking? Because I don't.
Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Milhouse · Kid: You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance. I'm on federal assistance.
Carl · Lenny: I sang at your wedding. Yeah, 'The Best Is Yet to Come.' Real original.
Willie: Then show us your boobs.
Willie Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Willie: Not a hymn to war like our national anthem... but a sweet soothing hymn like the national anthem of Canada.
Willie Observational Irony/Sarcasm Homer · Marge: Well, Bart, we've learned that war is not the answer. Except to all of America's problems. Amen.
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