The Bart Of War

Homer:I hear those kids' voices are done by grown-ups. Hey, nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes.

Homer:I can't believe we paid to see Steve Guttenberg... Calista Flockhart and Farty the crippled robot.

Bart:If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.

Bart · Lisa:Then I'd be the most popular kid in school. Knowing you, you'd mess it up somehow.

Milhouse:Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.

Bart:That is so gay.

Bart:I know how to make some. Peanuts, butter. Now, we just put the top on. Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

Milhouse:I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernuber.

Milhouse · Bart:What are the Beatles? They wrote all the songs on Maggie's baby records. 'John Lemon, Orange Harrison, Paul Mclced Tea, Mango Starr'?

Bart:A 40-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over.

Bart:Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye.

Bart:I don't feel so fab.

Ned · Rod:Sin of pride, Roddy. I'm sorry. Sin of regret.

Ned:The house is slightly askew. To the panic room!

Ned:We'll be safe inside our fortress When they come / We'll be safe from creeps and killers When they come / Unless they have a blow torch Or a poison gas injector / Then I don't know what'll happen When they come

Lou · Chief Wiggum:Well, if you just wanna talk... talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife. The divorce was final. When is a divorce ever final?

Chief Wiggum · Lou:Well, well, well, looks like a couple of punks... are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville. That's the Monkees, chief. Go wait in the car.

Chief Wiggum:Ha, hijinks. Funny word. Three dotted letters in a row. Is it hyphenated? It used to be. Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to.

Chief Wiggum:Then there's *NSYNC. Ha! What the hell is that? Jump in anytime, Eddie. These are good topics.

Ned:Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.

Ned:I am so tired of that tautology.

Ned:Courts aren't fit to keep children in line. They're good for telling women what to do with their bodies.

Homer:Hee, hee, look at me. I'm Brian Epstein. Now I'm Michael Jackson. 'I own all your songs, losers.'

Homer · Marge:'The 5-H Club.' Five-H? They had to admit homosexuals.

Marge:Something about that boy just shakes up your soda.

Bart · Lisa · Homer:Just like real Indians. Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe. You mean, like some sort of madman? Ideally, no, but... I'll do it.

Homer:I am Homer tribal chief / I am wearing tiny briefs / Braves teach values boys should know / Now extended drum solo

Homer · Ralph:Pick one. I am 'Burger With Fries.' Man, is that uninspired.

Homer:Jeez, no wonder these guys lost the Civil War.

Homer:I shall bet no more forever.

Homer:Unfortunately, after further review, the Great Father in the sky determined that the receiver's moccasins were out of bounds.

Lisa:Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.

Homer:They probably want their souls back.

Nelson:Hail to our new chief, the surprisingly hot Mrs. Simpson.

Homer:Oh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.

Nelson · Bart:If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me. You haven't seen your dad in years. Hey, today might be the day.

Nelson:Papa. Papa. Never leave me again.

Jim Proudfoot:No, but we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.

Jim Proudfoot:and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you.

Homer:Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.

Marge · Kids:And why are we gonna do it? Liberal guilt. Yay!

Journalist · Marge:'Activity Participated In By Some.' Hey, that's great.

Marge:Make sure you use Pine-Sol on those pine trees... for that pine fresh smell.

Marge:Oh, for God's sakes, I can see why he left.

Shelbyville kid:It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.

Shelbyville kid:Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.

Milhouse:Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.

Shelbyville kid:We're the bad boys... of non-denominational community youth groups.

Marge:Then I guess this means war.

Ralph · Girl Scout:Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.

Marge:Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross.

Apu · Marge:Another of those youth groups that apes the cultures... of indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed? Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.

Drederick Tatum:I can't help myself. Punch and grope. Punch and grope. It's all I was taught.

Ralph:I'm a brick.

Homer:Oh, it's too tight. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.

Homer:Oh, it's too tight. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Men of cruelty.

Lenny:Oh, sure. We were just gonna buy... the same candy inside the store but for less.

Milhouse:Melts in your mouth, not in your pants.

Old Man:Holy moly. I'm moving like Ginger Rogers.

Chief Wiggum:Looks like this is one time the Indians didn't win.

Homer:I'm gonna take that bartending course, including today's lighter drinks.

Homer:People will do anything a sign tells them.

Homer:Or did it?

Kirk Van Houten:Do you have 5 bucks for regular parking? Because I don't.

Homer:Baseball? Eh.

Milhouse · Kid:You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance. I'm on federal assistance.

Carl · Lenny:I sang at your wedding. Yeah, 'The Best Is Yet to Come.' Real original.

Willie:Then show us your boobs.

Willie:Not a hymn to war like our national anthem... but a sweet soothing hymn like the national anthem of Canada.

Homer · Marge:Well, Bart, we've learned that war is not the answer. Except to all of America's problems. Amen.