The Bonfire Of The Manatees

TV Host:Each of you thought you were in a race to plant the taco bell flag at the north pole. What you didn't know is, the race was a chase, spiced up by the presence of the betrayer.

TV Host:Well, now, the bear has a surprise for you. He's not really a bear, he's a tiger!

Homer:Oh, the Broncos won? Why didn't I bet on them like professor pigskin told me to?

Homer · Lisa:Who's professor pigskin? He's a pig who can predict football winners in advance!

Homer:Because he's got something no gambler's ever had: A system!

Lisa · Homer:Lisa explains the scam while Homer remains oblivious and cites testimonials

Homer:A scam?! Not according to Eddie F. From Tucson, or football millionaire in Beloit, Michigan.

Lisa:Look, all I'm saying is, you really should think twice before... Expiration date: 06/08.

TV Announcer:And with 37 starting players out with the flu, the Oakland Raiders have turned to drunks conscripted from local bars.

Drunk Raiders Player:Spare some change, football dude?

Homer:Hey, I didn't bet any of our money. I just borrowed some from him.

Loan Shark:If he mentions that pig again, use two hammers.

Loan Sharks:We would like to use your home to shoot an adult film. Yeah, it's called lemony lick-it: A series of horny events.

Homer:Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks. I can't do it next week.

Homer · Loan Shark:All right! You can shoot your gay adult film at my house. I didn't say anything about gay. I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

Moe:I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh horses into jerky and sells it to bars.

Bart:I want to see santa-- he can explain why he gave me a playstation box with nothing inside but a coloring book.

Homer:It got your hopes up, didn't it?

Homer:Because you look even more beautiful now than the day I married you.

Sign/Narrator:Welcome to santa's village, where it's christmas every day. Closed on christmas.

Lisa · Guide:Those reindeer look really uncomfortable. That's because they don't thrive in this environment!

Bart · Depressed Santa:Watcha reading, Santa? Tom clancy's op-center. You don't seem very jolly. Well, santa got some bad medical news.

Lenny · Carl · Homer:Angela Dare! Sultry Stevens! Yeah, what is this, a reunion of Fahrenheit 9 on 1?

Lenny · Carl:I've always dreamed of working in an adult film. I'll run the sound board! And I'll perform in the sex scenes!

Frosty Employee:Oh, god, please don't tell mr. Roselli I lost my hat again!

Marge:My christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early.

Bart:When they put santa in the ambulance, why'd they pull the blanket all the way up over his head?

Porn Actor:Listen, I got a tattoo of foghorn leghorn on my right thigh. Are we gonna get into any trademark or copyright issues here?

Porn Actor:'Cause we could put a band-aid on it and say my character just got stabbed.

Marge:You're in the wrong house, lady! How could you allow this, in the room where we do puzzles!

Homer:Me? But I'm the father!

Marge:Today's the last day you can eat the yogurt in the fridge.

Homer · Bart:You mean Homer's famous marinara sauce? No, I mean ketchup.

Homer:Where's your sense of magic and wonder?!

Moe · Homer:You told me to call. You wanted to see if your phone was working. But what if marge tries to call while I'm talking to you? Ain't you got call waiting? Of course, I have call waiting, you idiot! I just never learned how to use it!

Homer:I might have broken the phone. I better call Moe.

Marge:Then you'll buy me some Quickie Mart Flowers, maybe a box of candy, where half the pieces mysteriously have testing bites, and a week later you'll be back to your old thoughtless self.

Marge:Lemon cream. You're going in the Marge pile.

Gas Station Attendant:Listen, buster, I had to buy a club soda I didn't want to get change for this phone.

Gas Station Attendant:An oogly-boogly!

Homer:Hello, Marge, where do we keep the socks that don't smell like feet?

Dr. Caleb Thorn · Marge:I would do anything to protect a manatee except harm another manatee. What if by harming a manatee you could save two manatees?

Dr. Caleb Thorn:But before you answer, consider this: The manatee you have to harm is pregnant. Those are the questions that keep me up at night.

Homer:Hello, Marge? Does the pizza guy take a check? If so, where do we keep the checks? And lastly, how do you write a check?

Dr. Caleb Thorn · Marge:I have a saying which goes, 'you can't teach a manatee any tricks.' Maybe you could just put a hat on him and say it's a trick.

Gas Station Attendant:Hey, lady blue, while you're sitting there staring at the ceiling, you boyfriend's in the parking lot with his hands in a walrus.

Homer:It was hard enough getting you in there. I'm not letting you out.

Mexican Man:'Handsome' means he look at himself in the mirror all day. 'Rugged' means you look at him.

Dr. Caleb Thorn:To his underwater palace. Just kidding. It's a lagoon full of bugs.

Lisa:And I'm sick of eating at restaurant chains I've never even heard of like Skobo's and Dim Willie'S.

Bart · Homer:Are they rubes? 'Cause I don't cotton to rubes. The rubiest.

Country Cousin · Homer:Hey, do you folks want to see a quilt that's been in our family for five generations? I warned you he was an idiot.

Homer:Well, all I need is some moonshine and someone playing the harmonicky and I'm as happy as a pig in plop.

Homer · Cousin:She, was killed by a falling air conditioner. But that's terrible! It wasn't all bad. As part of the settlement, her funeral was air conditioned.

Cousin · Homer:So how are we related again? Our dogs are brothers.

Dr. Caleb Thorn:And the ones we can't save, we put to good use. what am I supposed to do, bury them at arlington?

Jet Skier:Check out those gentle, exotic sea creatures. Let's whomp 'em!

Homer:Look, if it were up to me, I'd be harassing them with you. If anything, I'd be the guy who took it too far.

Jet Skier:And we respect two things: Bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire.

Jet Skier:No court order's gonna tell me what to do. Oh, man-- it's notarized! Let's boogie!

Jet Skier:Poor dumb country mouse. Can't even count.

Marge:'cause you're the real endangered species-- a devoted husband.

Dr. Thorn:Yeah, miranda was nice, but I'm not driving to corpus christi every time she needs a light bulb changed.

Smithers:I believe it's a manatee posing as homer simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns · Smithers:Oh, that's cute. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Actually, sir, I believe he's about to die of dehydration.