Trash Of The Titans

Homer:D'oh!

Corporate Executive:Gentlemen, we need to maximize our holiday revenue. I propose we merge Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa into one mega-spending event called 'Christmakwanzukkah.'

Corporate Executive:Think of the synergy! One shopping season, triple the guilt, quadruple the debt.

Board Executive:We're reducing Mother's Day, Father's Day, and graduation to a sales corridor.

Corporate Executive:We need new religious holidays. We're treating Christmas like a movie sequel — it comes out every year and nobody wants it anymore.

Corporate Executive:What if we created a new holiday that combines all the religious observances into one big shopping event?

Corporate Executive:We could call it 'Consumermas' — it's got the spiritual meaning of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, but mostly just the part where people buy things.

Lisa:Love Day is just corporate manipulation.

Marge:Lisa, you say that about every holiday.

Homer:Marge, this is the worst Love Day gift ever! You got me socks? I wanted Duff brand socks!

Marge:Homer, they're the exact same socks. They're made by the same company.

Homer:No they're not! These say 'Foot Comfort' on the tag. I need Duff brand or they don't keep my feet warm!

Homer:Can't take out the trash today, it's Tuesday, you see. The trash man only comes on... uh... Wednesday to Thursday. It's a scientific fact.

Marge:Homer, that makes no sense.

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge. If I take out the trash on a day that rhymes with 'shmaturday', I'll upset the garbage gods. I read it on the internet.

Homer:Huh, it still fits.

Sir Loves-A-Lot:Help me... I'm being crushed... by the weight... of your garbage...

Homer:Why won't this trash go down? Stupid garbage... stupid lid...

Homer:Grrr... I'll show this trash. I'll show everyone. First the trash company, then the mayor, then... the whole world will pay!

Homer:Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait! Come back here, you stupid garbage truck!

Homer:You're dumber than a sack of hammers! You're uglier than a butt! Your mother was a dump!

Garbage Truck Driver:That's it, Simpson. You're off the route.

Homer:Wait, no! I didn't mean it! Please come back!

Garbageman:Hey! We heard what you said about us!

Homer:What? I didn't say anything.

Garbageman:You called us 'garbage men'!

Homer:No, no, no... I said you were 'great men'! Great men!

Garbageman:Remember, on Love Day, we must all embrace love and peace.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, love and peace. Sure, whatever.

Garbageman:It's a day to celebrate harmony among all people.

Homer:That was yesterday. Today I'm back to hating everyone.

Marge:Homer, what about all this trash?

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. I'll handle it. I'm not afraid of a little garbage. In fact, I'm gonna go out there right now and show that trash who's boss!

Homer:Nothing's gonna stop me. I'm unstoppable!

Lisa:You could apologize.

Homer:Apologize? I never apologize, Lisa. It's a sign of weakness.

Homer:But I'm sorry, and it won't happen again.

Homer:Goodbye, sweet potatoes. You were delicious.

Bart:Farewell, gravy boat. We hardly knew ye.

Marge:Oh, stop being so dramatic about the garbage.

Homer:Adieu, fancy china! Our love was too pure for this world!

Lisa:Dad, that was a wedding gift from your mother.

Homer:I know! That's what makes it so tragic!

Ned:Well, I declare! What is that horrible stench?

Homer:Oh, that's just the diaper hill out back. We've been saving them for composting.

Ned:A hill of... dirty diapers?

Homer:Yep. Marge says we'll get to it eventually.

Rod Flanders:Gee, mister! What's Diaper Hill?

Homer Simpson:It's a big pile of dirty diapers, son.

Rod Flanders:Gosh! Can I play there?

Homer Simpson:Sure, knock yourself out, kid.

Bart:Dad, the crazy lady in the trash pile attacked me!

Homer:Now Bart, I wasn't there. So I'm gonna take the trash lady's side.

Homer:There, there, boy. You'll be fine. Why, I had the plague when I was your age.

Marge:Homer, that's impossible. The plague hasn't been around for centuries.

Homer:Well, it felt like the plague. My whole body ached, I had a fever, and these weird bumps all over me.

Marge:That was chickenpox.

Homer:Plague, chickenpox... what's the difference? The point is, I survived it, and so will Bart.

Homer:Oh, apologize? That's what I told you to do. But between you and me, I prefer when you don't listen to me.

Homer:Take that, city hall! I'm a David, and I just beat your Goliath!

Lisa:Dad, David did win against Goliath in the Bible.

Homer:Oh. Well, I'm still a winner!

Lisa:Dad, David and Goliath is a biblical story, not a historical event.

Homer:Whatever, Lisa. Goliath was huge!

Lisa:(sighs internally) How do I explain this to someone who thinks the Bible is a history book?

Homer:I stand tall instead of crawl.

Homer:Hey, I just made a rhyme! Where's my prize?

Marge:Homer, you forged my signature on the electric bill!

Homer:Well, yeah, but that's nothing. I've also forged your signature on the mortgage, the car loan, and our marriage certificate.

Marge:You forged our MARRIAGE certificate?!

Homer:Marge, relax. I'm pretty sure we're still married. The important thing is I saved myself a trip to the DMV.

Homer:Why are you all staring at me? What did I do? Is this about the parking meter? Because that was an accident!

Mayor Quimby:Mr. Simpson, nobody's accusing you of anything. We just need you to sign this form.

Homer:A form? Oh sure, a form! Next you'll want my fingerprints, then my DNA, then you'll clone me and make me work in your underground nuclear salt mines!

Marge:Homer, that's not—

Homer:I have something very important to say!

Bird:*squawk*

Homer:Hey! Get outta here!

City Hall Clerk:Name?

Homer Simpson:Homer Jay Simpson.

City Hall Clerk:Address?

Homer Simpson:742 Evergreen Terrace.

City Hall Clerk:You're now registered.

Homer Simpson:Registered for what?

City Hall Clerk:As a sex offender.

Bart:Dad, if you don't let me stay up late, I'm telling everyone at school you pick your nose.

Homer:I do NOT pick my nose!

Bart:Really?

Homer:Well, not in public.

Voter:What will you do differently?

Homer:Well, I'm not going to waste your time with a lot of fancy promises. I'm just going to tell you what I'm going to do: absolutely nothing.

Lenny:Yeah, well, Patterson's a lot like me. We both have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Plus, we both enjoy breathing and not being on fire.

Bono:Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you!

Homer:What? I'm not...

The Edge:Come on, we're on in five minutes!

Homer:But I don't even...

Adam Clayton:Just get your bass and let's go!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my young homies? It's me, Homer Simpson, in the hizzouse!

Homer:I'm down with the kids. I'm totally radical. Radical to the max!

Homer:Vote for me, and I'll make sure we get more of that phat money for schools and whatnot.

Homer:I need a campaign slogan, but I'm too lazy to think of one.

Moe:That's it! 'Too lazy to think' - that's your slogan!

Homer:Finally, something that works without effort.

Homer:You know, taking care of a pet is a big responsibility. You gotta feed 'em, give 'em water, clean their litter box... It's like being Secretary of State, except the cat doesn't have nuclear weapons. Yet.

Homer:D'oh! Well, at least they didn't tamper with the donuts!

Homer:You're discriminating against me because I'm old!

Homer:I'll prove it — watch this. Who's the president? Uh... is it still that guy? What's his name... the tall one... or was he short?

Homer:And another thing — I can't remember what we were talking about. Is this my house?

Homer:We're still friends, right?

Patterson:Homer, you told everyone you invented the internet.

Homer:Well, I did invent it. I just didn't tell anyone about it until now.

Ray Patterson:You're gonna fail, Homer. You always do.

Ray Patterson:But I like you anyway.

Marge:Homer, you always say you're going to do things and then you don't.

Homer:That's not true! Homer Simpson always follows through on his promises.

Marge:You said you'd fix the gutters three years ago.

Homer:Homer will fix those gutters. Homer will do many things.

Marge:Homer, how could you spend $5,000 at the office supply store?

Homer:But Marge, you should see the things they have! Staplers that staple! Tape dispensers that dispense tape! And the highlighters... they highlight!

Homer:We dump all our waste illegally in the river at night.

Worker:That's terrible! I'd rather deal drugs than be part of something this environmentally destructive.

Homer:I sold the blood from my body.

Marge:Homer, that's disgusting!

Homer:I know, but I got three hundred dollars.

Marge:Well, I wish you'd sold drugs instead.

Homer:Why would you say that?

Marge:At least drug dealing doesn't destroy the environment like all your schemes do.

Marge:Springfield is a trash hole!

Homer:Igpay atinlay!

Patterson:I'm a worthless drunk who's wasted everyone's time.

Moe:Well, he said it, not me.

Carl:We solved the trash problem!

Lenny:Yeah, we're really making a difference!

Barney:Wait a minute... isn't this exactly what we did last time?

Carl:Oh no, he's right. We're just gonna mess it up again, aren't we?

Lenny:Yep.

Adam:This is my prized Springfield spoon. I've been collecting these for years.

Bono:That's just a spoon, mate.

Adam:Just a spoon? JUST A SPOON?! Do you have any idea how rare this is? I have 47 of them at home. I've organized them by year, by material, by the angle of the bowl. I sleep with them in a climate-controlled case. I've named them all. This one's Gerald.